Because I’ve been pondering this... Where do you think you are on a strictness continuum in terms of parenting? Do you think you need to shift? What would your family or friends or parents of your kids’ friends say?
I think I’m much more strict than my DD’s friends’ parents, but I don’t think I’m nuts. I do worry sometimes about just how well-behaved my kids are. Like, am I crushing their spirits by making them sit up and stay at the table in restaurants?
My MIL thinks I’m way too strict. Like what does it hurt if the kids run around or crawl under the table at restaurants? Or leave messes all over the house and ignore us when we say it’s time to clean up? But then when the kids do things like clean up their own messes at her house without being asked, she acts like it was magic and proof of their genetic superiority, not hard work by their parents.
So, I’m conflicted. I like the outcome. I think I’m a kind and loving mom who has high expectations. But I still worry.
My kids believe I am in the stricter category. When I compare to other parents I tend to agree, but I find my approach more rational than constrictive. DD at 14 stays out until midnight or one based on what she and her friends are doing. Other kids have flat curfews, which is unreasonably restrictive to me. No social media, but I am open if I can find an app to buy/service that will police it. DD isn’t allowed to walk/bike to many restaurants/shops.
Other parents let their fifth graders roam much more than DD is permitted - but a fifth grade girl alone on a scooter a mile from home without a phone seems excessively vulnerable to me. Other friends ride bikes alone between neighborhoods on the trail - in a 3 mile range - and my fifth grader is definitely not doing that.
DS at 6 doesn’t play Fortnite or Halo or any shooter games. We don’t have an Xbox. That’s becoming more rare here.
I'm probably similar to what mommyatty,described in terms of strictness, although I don't worry. That sounds bad, but rules exist for a reason, and they need to follow them. Like practice for following laws when they are adults. DH and I have talked about the long game versus the short game. And we play the long game of expectations and rules. Not to say that the kids don't have fun, and build pillow forts, and have nerf wars, etc. I see myself as a kind and loving mom who also has high expectations. I've told both kids that they need to follow rules for us to do really fun stuff, like me taking them to the apple orchard solo or doing other things that they think are really fun.
Post by HeartofCheese on Oct 16, 2018 9:07:47 GMT -5
I feel I'm laid back, but when I want ask them to do something - they need to respond quickly. So while I leave them to their own devices as much as possible, the expectation is they do something the first time I ask. We're working on that now and part of it is making clear to them the terms of our "deal." DD is a little young, but follows the lead of DS and DS is starting to pick up on it pretty well.
I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm pretty lax and my kids are out of control, but they've also said many times that they are surprised by how I'm able to get the kids to respond to me. So...? On one hand, I want things to be the way they are, but there are other times where I know more people would approve if my kids were silent and still - so I secretly always feel like I should probably be more strict. But I'm sticking to my guns.
I think we are similar to 2chatter . But mine are younger, so no curfew yet. When they are old enough to go out on their own, I plan to have a 11 or 11:30 curfew through high school is what I am thinking. I am open to later depending if it is prom or something like that, but only special occasions.
No video games here, not even Wii. No X box, no Fortnite or Halo. No social media, no phones. Again the oldest is 8, so don't have to deal with that yet.
So far with the 8 year old he is allowed to walk back and forth to the park by himself (2 houses). And recently allowed to walk back and forth to the bigger park (2 blocks away), but we were at the park with them and it just so happened we were driving the same direction as he walked. So we will do more with that next summer. I make then sit in the restaurant, and clean up their stuff.
I am not anal about the house. The playdate I was at on Sunday their house was immaculate, obviously they cleaned for me to come over, but I can tell she always keeps it clean. I had an empty cup from Jimmy Johns that I set on their tile floor, so obviously wouldn't hurt anything and she picked it up and put it on the TV stand. So it was like OCD. So my house is not that clean at all. We do have the Roomba clean and try for main rooms, but kitchens are always messy and ours is small so more so. And the playroom was messy for 2 weeks. Kids bedrooms are messy right now. My entire house is never clean all at the same time unless I am throwing a party. Which is why I dislike hosting.
DS is pretty good about responding right away to chores. DD is going through the my legs are broken I can't walk to do chores stage. Newsflash- her legs are perfectly fine.
Middle of the road here. DS hasn't tested me too much about curfew. No driving yet, so usually it is a game or a friend's house. I am strict on grades. Kid's do very well so far, but the expectation is to do their best. You work hard and I see it and get a B, that is fine. You slack off and do hardly anything and get a B, it could have been an A.
I am a little anal about the main rooms of the house. No clutter, stuff everywhere, but I have learned to live with DS's room. DD's stays pretty straight. Dh is another story.
I think I have them both convinced that I am a bit nuts. They have always known I have no qualms about setting them straight in public, embarrassing or not. This has worked well for me so far. DD asked what would happen if I caught her with a e-cigarette, seems those are going around in the high school. I told them both, that all I am legally required to do is keep them alive with food and shelter. Everything else is a bonus. Start pulling that kind of stuff, we will just provide the basics. So far, they know me well enough that this is true.
Post by covergirl82 on Oct 16, 2018 9:27:10 GMT -5
I would say I'm more on the strict half of the spectrum. I expect my kids to behave in public, and to be polite and respectful.
I am pretty strict about bedtimes, even on weekends. If DS gets overly tired, it could trigger a migraine, so I try to make sure he stays well rested. We don't allow devices in bedrooms at night, and they don't have a TV or anything in their room.
My kids aren't allowed to roam on their own. I live in what I would consider a safe neighborhood and town, but we are close to a gas station and the freeway, so there could be weirdos in close proximity.
ETA: Related to the state of my house, I'm in a constant battle with clutter and things everywhere. I'm probably more lenient with the kids on keeping their rooms clean. It just seems like it's the lowest priority right now. Meals, clean dishes, clean bathrooms, and clean laundry are all higher on my priority list.
Mine think it is horrible that they don't have TV in their rooms. I don't want them shut up in their rooms all of the time. We have 4 other TVs, they are not deprived.
Post by supertrooper1 on Oct 16, 2018 9:43:43 GMT -5
I think I'm in the middle, but H would say I'm not strict at all. I think he is overboard and it's causing issues at home right now. DS is melting down constantly now because H is so strict and everything has to be done his way right now. I expect DS to behave in public, but I'm a little more lenient at home.
rere, same. They know I am a bit nuts so DH and I will have no qualms packing up every toy or stopping all their extra curriculars etc. My kids also don't have TV in their room, and they never will have that.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Oct 16, 2018 9:46:59 GMT -5
4 and 6 year old. I think I'm very laid back, partially because I'm lazy myself. Like they don't need to put toys away right after playing with them in their play room b/c I myself am very random about that kind of thing. Trash has to be thrown away immediately but that's it. Shoes have to be in a certain spot and laundry has to be put away but that's only b/c we can't survive unless I know where their clothes are.
I'm strict about kindness and not hitting but I haven't had a hard time with that since the youngest turned 4 ...they don't play video games other than educational games but DS has only recently started asking about minecraft so it's not like I have big push back from them to do otherwise. They don't roam on their own but they don't ask to do it either...
Really my kids aren't hyper, they're a little spoiled and so far they don't do TOO much that makes them an jerks to third parties so... I don't worry about it.
ETA: They do have to sit in restaurants. It stresses me out when kids don't do that. But at the end of the meal while we're waiting for the check I'll take them outside if it's taking too long.
supertrooper1, DH is a bit the same usually just micromanaging during dinner or movie night. So it isn't too bad, but we want family dinners to be nice because that is supposed to be the entire point of family dinners. I might need to have a chat with him on that. But we also want them to have good table manners, and they don't despite all of DH's pickiness. Maybe it needs to be more teaching and less picking. I think there is a church here that does kid dinners where they learn etiquette too. Might be worth signing my kids up for that. Then we get 2 hours to ourselves. Not really enough time for date night, but enough time for a drink and pick up take out perhaps.
My house is a disaster all the time. DD does keep her room decently clean and I'm trying to get her to do more chores. If I ask she usually does it without complaint. She behaves at the restaurant and around other adults. She has a bad habit of interrupting conversations but then she is 7.
DH would say I'm too strict. I would say I'm middle of the road. My parents would say I'm on the stricter side. Seeing the other families with kids I think I'm pretty even. DD walks all over DH and she is the boss when it is just the two of them.
No TV in DD's room, she doesn't own her own tablet/phone, on average she gets less than 30 minutes of screen time a day. The biggest issues we have with DD is the only entitlement feeling that I've been trying to squash.
I'm known to have high expectations and I'm a bit of a neat freak so probably on the stricter side. Oldest are 3 and 6. Only screen time is tv on weekends or while we're making dinner. I expect them to put their dirty clothes in the hamper, pick up their toys, put clean clothes away, clean their rooms on Saturday, etc. We just started chores where they are responsible for emptying the dishwasher and putting their laundry away. 6 year old also needs to take her medicines, empty her backpack, do homework and pack her lunch when she gets home from school. We are working on table manners and they're usually very good in restaurants (because we rarely eat out due to milk allergy and they know we won't be back if they're not), the problem is at home. They mess around with each other and won't stay at the table. DD1 eats faster and wants to go play. DH had enough of their jumping around the house during dinner last night that he took away outside play time with the neighbors.
They're allowed to roam around our neighbors' houses (4 houses on a cul de sac) as long as they tell us and stay outside. If they go in a house without telling us, they come home for the day. I think we're stricter than the other neighbors on that. We also seem stricter about bedtime - they're in the house by 7:30 and we start the routine. I think a lot of it has to do with two working parents, three small kids and needing to stick to rules and routine to keep our sanity.
We get mixed messages from both sides of our family - on one hand they make comments all the time how we wouldn't get away with that when we were small, we behaved all the time, we didn't talk back, etc. Apparently DH and I were both perfect angels. Then, the next minute they'll comment on how we didn't have a schedule, let them have more dessert, etc. We can't win.
As I read this, I realize I'm strict about teaching them responsibility and independence. I work with so many people that can't problem solve or take care of themselves and it drives me batty. I'm lax on letting them be silly, they can run around in our house playing, wear whatever they want, going places and doing fun activities, etc. Probably why we get mixed messages.
Post by ilovelucyvv on Oct 16, 2018 12:13:23 GMT -5
I am more laid back, no question. I just don't have the time and energy to enforce rules all the time. H thinks I don't discipline the kids enough but I think if he wants more discipline he should carry some of the weight vs. turning me into the bad cop.
Post by erinshelley21 on Oct 16, 2018 12:14:22 GMT -5
I have an almost 5 year old DS and a 19 month old DD. DS tells me I'm mean or no fun at least 4 days a week. I'm pretty lax about picking up toys except for the day before the cleaning lady and like the first 4 days after lol. He is responsible for putting dirty and clean clothes where they go, school folder in the bin and shoes in 1 of 2 spots. If he takes something in the car, he brings it in and is responsible for it the moment it leaves the house. We use 123 magic and if attitude or behavior gets too bad DH and I move to a zero tolerance policy and he goes straight to his room or loses kindle at MIL'S house. We are just getting to the point of punishing DD for behavior so still TBD on her. She's the wild one with an impressive attitude and arm so she's going to need more rules I think lol.
My mom thinks we are too strict. She could barely sit through a 2 minute time out with DS. MIL doesn't say anything but I think she thinks we are fine. She would prefer to not watch little jerks every day or argue with them like she does the other grandkids. FIL also seems to be in agreement with our parenting.
Both DH's parents and my mom were more strict than we were. My MIL says things like she is testing you. I know that MIL. My mom says things like I wouldn't let them ask so many times to get out of room time. OK mom. But seriously if them asking to get out of room time 5 times while we are on vacation (usually it's less at home) is our problem, then we don't have much to worry about.
My mom on the other hand is on and on about my nephews and their video games. The oldest just plays them all day long especially when they are home alone. The youngest (prior to counseling) would have 3 hour long tantrums. Even with counseling it is not 100%, but seems to be better. So while not as strict as our parents we are way stricter than my sister who I think tries hard but has an inconsistent message and spoils them.
DH and I try to focus on raising independent and polite kids. There are no electronics or tvs in bedrooms. We have eliminated the ipad since behavior was sliding. All we ask of the kids is to clean up their messes when they are finished and to be nice their siblings. In terms of discipline, our kids get timeouts. I'm more level-headed and willing to talk to the kids when they are in trouble, while DH wants to yell. DD learned a long time ago that if she does something wrong that we warned her about (not finishing homework, leaving a mess, etc), there will be consequences and we won't back down. For example, when she was in 1st grade, she was not finishing her classwork and having to spend recess doing it. So we told her that if she missed recess 3x in the 10 days leading up to Halloween due to incomplete work, then she would not be allowed to go trick-or-treating. She ended up missing recess 4x, so we stuck to our guns. She stayed at home with my nephew while we took DS1 out. DS1 is a different personality, so have had to change how we discipline him. Standing in timeout doesn't work, but sending him to his room by himself seems to do the trick. He hates being left out of something. We haven't figured out what method will work for DS2 yet since he is 19 months and hasn't really acted up. The hardest part by far is staying consistent with the discipline while watching 3 kids. I swear they know that our attention is divided and try to push the limits with us. DS1 is especially good at this.
I would say I am medium and my DH is strict. Our focus is not raising little jerks. I don't really care about the toys out, but if I tell DS to pick them up I expect him to listen, respond and comply. He puts away his laundry and his dirty clothes. He picks up all of his toys. He clears his plate at dinner.
In public he is expected to sit in his seat and not goof of. At home I don't enforce staying in his seat, but he is not allowed to carry food throughout the house. Time outs seem to still be working. Plus natural consequences. It helps that DS is a rule follower. IDK if that is his personality or if we made him that way.
Big no nos at our house are:
talking back. (3 year old has some attitude as well as the teenagers) We don't hit/kick or bite tantrums result in being sent to his room to calm down. Usually DH or I will go up after 3 minutes and help calm him down. running away from us. (parking lots and stores)
I have been really impressed with DS lately. When I say no to something he really wants I can see him get sad and calm himself down and accept my answer. Usually he is rewarded with something I can do for him later. I try to give lots of praise when he does well and not harp on the bad. (opposite of what my parents did)
I'm not very strict. It frustrates DH so I should probably work on it. The kids are 6, 4, and 1. We have some non-negotiables, mostly around being kind. Over the weekend DS1 pushed another kid on the playground, and I gave him the choice of apologizing or leaving immediately, and he didn't apologize, so we left. I think one of the reasons I'm less strict is because I typically get better results from talking about issues than from consequences. I'm looking forward to when the kids have more of a "currency" that can be used as an incentive or taken away as a punishment. We don't do phones/ipads for them, just TV for a bit on evenings and weekends, and at this point taking away TV time punishes me more than them.
One area where I am super strict is routines and bedtimes and sleep. We prioritize getting plenty of sleep even if DD complains about missing things with her friends like outdoor movies at school in the evenings. The naptime (for the baby) and bedtime routines are pretty sacred and I don't mess around.
My in-laws are kind of hippies and anti-screens. I don't think they think we're too lax on punishments, but I know the kids would never watch TV if they had it their way. My sister and BIL are even less strict than we are, so I think my parents appreciate our stricter routines when they watch the kids, since it makes their lives easier to know they will go to bed easily and sleep well.
I'm pretty strict. DH is over the top strict. Every time I try to loosen up, the kids turn into jerks... so I tighten up again.
We expect toys to be cleaned up when they're through using them, dishes brought to the sink. After school routine is empty lunch boxes, wash hands, homework/snack, then backpacks stored in the closet until the next day (though this rarely happens without eventual yelling). They are asked to pick up their rooms once a week. DD2 is very good at all of this stuff. DD1 is not.
Backtalk and disrespect are not tolerated, and result in timeouts or loss of privilege. Fighting over homework; or sloppy, careless, rushed work; results in loss of electronics. I rarely take away sports, because they need physical activity, and because they made a commitment to a team.
DD1 is going through something right now... her attitude is awful. After months of relatively awesome behavior, she's disrespectful and nasty all of a sudden. Last night, she refused to eat her dinner (3rd night in a row) after promising there wouldn't be an issue if I let her have a playdate with a friend. After 90 minutes at the table, she headed to the shower, then demanded that I blow dry her hair. I calmly pointed out that she was well past her bedtime, and that because she took too long with her dinner, we no longer had time for me to do a blow out. Screaming, finger pointing, stomping, door slamming. I never raised my voice.
mae0111, we sound a lot alike. We've been there with DD1 before too. She has to eat what we serve for dinner and stay at the table while we have family time, regardless if she eats it or not. We go around the table and talk about our day. If she doesn't want to eat it, we don't force it but she doesn't get a snack/treat later. Her dinner will stay on the table if she gets hungry. It doesn't happen often where she refuses to eat but this has helped with the battle of the wills.
mellym - we typically do the same - dinner is dinner and she can eat it or not. But she’s been very snarky with the “Whatever, this is gross, I don’t have to eat it, you can’t make me, I will just get more food for breakfast.” 😡😡
I think if her approach was more like “Mommy, I’m not very hungry, may I be excused?” then I would probably not be ready to kill her all the time. Can’t wait for the teenage years... solidarity...