WWYD?

[shoeless]

First I may be borrowing trouble but I’m also very sensitive right now- so if I need a kick in the ass— be gentle.

PDQ- My sister has one child they conceived the first month trying. My parents just confirmed they wouldn’t be surprised if she announced another pregnancy at Thanksgiving. We’re supposed to fly to go to their house for thanksgiving. Two miscarriages and a failed transfer in the last year have me unable to be happy for her. I know that doesn’t say great things about me but it is what it is (she’s aware of all our IF issues). If she’s going to announce I really want to cancel the trip. Do I straight out ask her ahead of time? Am I a horrible person if I cancel if I find out she’s going to announce?

Advice (and wording if I should ask) welcome! Thank you

[seeyalater52]

I would ask. Be prepared for her to be annoyed that you asked. Be diplomatic about it even if it requires a little white lie.

I think I’ve complained about my sister here before. We are skipping thanksgiving because I can’t stand to be around her right now - and she’s already announced so it’s not that, it just sucks too much. If I’m a bad person so be it. I don’t have the energy to care about her feelings because she gets a baby at the end of all of this.

Possible wording:
Hey sister, just wanted to check in before we head out for the holidays. The holiday season is really rough for us this year because of xyz. Mom let it drop that you may be expecting again. If so, we are so happy for you, but I hope you understand that it’s just too painful for us to be there with you guys this year if that is going to be a focus of the celebration. Can you let us know before we leave on x? I don’t mean to put you on the spot but this is really important to me and husband given everything we have been through this year.

[icedcoffee]

Would it help you be around her if you had some time to process it alone before going to Thanksgiving? I know for me in person announcements SUCK but I can generally pull myself together pretty quickly if I’m told by text. I just needs few hours to get my head together. If that’s the case I’d just explain that you’re in a bad place and if she’s pregnant you’d like to know beforehand.

If you would rather cancel I think seeyalater52 has good advice.

I’m sorry. I have a feeling my SIL might be announcing on Thursday and I’m already preparing mentally for it. Even if she doesn’t and I notice she’s not drinking I will probably get upset. UGH.

Are you close with her? My sister would totally understand if I asked her. My SIL wouldn’t though. . Huge hugs to you.

[shoeless]

Thanks icedcoffee and seeyalater52. I’m trying to figure out if I can tolerate spending all weekend with her if I know she’s pregnant in advance or not. We are not close but also not estranged. More like casual acquaintances. I think if she’s pregnant and had been planning to surprise announce it I might be too hurt to attend on that fact alone. I feel selfish and horrible wanting to skip Thanksgiving ( mainly because I don’t want to hurt my parents who we live far from). But I’m so sensitive right now that I don’t think I can pull it together. I’ll ask her tomorrow and go from there

[scm1011]

You are not selfish and horrible for feeling that way. At all. Your sister would be selfish and horrible for planning a surprise announcement knowing what you've been through this year. I like seeyalater52 's approach. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Do whatever is best for your mental health.

[icedcoffee]

Ditto that if she's planning a surprise announcement she is horrible. My sister hasn't even dealt with fertility issues and when we got pregnant with DS I told her first so she had time to process alone since I knew she might have feelings of jealousy or sadness. It's not hard to not be a dick.

[woowoo]

I agree with previous statements that it's a dickmove to make some big announcement on a holiday given all you guys have been through. seeyalater52's wording is good. She might be upset at first but I have to believe that once the dust settles she'll understand.

And you reserve the right to not go to Thanksgiving, to go to Thanksgiving and leave at any time, or to go and come home at the end and cry/drink wine alone. You do what you need to do to get through it and don't worry about anyone else.

Holidays with infertility suck.

[msmerymac]

On one hand, people who haven't been through IF don't realize how hard it is for people who are struggling to be around pregnant women, or even babies. On the other hand, it's not hard to think it over and not be a dick.

I would feel 0% regret about skipping. Let us know what you decide!


Not the same as Thanksgiving, but we had plans to visit my in-laws for memorial day weekend and we skipped when I found out my SIL was like 7 months pregnant (again). Which ended up being the best decision ever, because I had a miscarriage the Thursday before. No regrets!

[stellelinds25]

I agree with what seeyalater52 & icedcoffee suggested...and you are NOT a horrible person for wanting to skip. Sending you hugs & strength <3