Help me with my 11 year old's hair? Please?

[pinkly]

Hi!  I need help for my 11 year old.  She has very straight, very fine hair, and a lot of it.  She hates it.  It always looks oily and flat, and sometimes stringy.  It causes her a great deal of frustration.  We've tried many things - different shampoos, different conditioners, different combos, products, etc.  She's tried showering in the morning (habit is to shower at night because of various sports practices she can't crawl into bed after).  We've tried blow-drying with or without product.  Just about everything I can think of.

Does anyone have any recs as far as products, or even tools?  Some magic hair tool out there somewhere?  I'm willing to try anything at this point because of the distress she is feeling from it.  

Thanks!

[secretlyevil]

I would recommend going to a master stylist and getting a really good haircut/style.

[pinkly]

We've done that already. It helps for like a week.

Edit - for reference, her hair is cut and styled to just above her chin.  It is just below her chin right now.  I take her to my stylist, which is not cheap.  She puts layers in it, which does make a slight difference, just not for long.  

[closertofine]

No advice, but I wanted to say you perfectly described my own daughter's hair. Like absolutely perfectly. And I feel the same frustration with it. She doesn't care yet, but I'm hoping to figure this out soon.

[Pippin]

Does she use conditioner? If so I’d try skipping it or only using it a bit on the very ends of her hair. Maybe start trying out some dry shampoos to see if that helps absorb the oil during the day.

[pinkly]

Sorry, closertofine. It’s sucks.

Pippin, we’ve tried both of those things. No change.

[beachbum22]

She might have product build up. It will make the hair look stringy and oily, and build-up makes it hard to get the hair clean.

Have you tried using a good clarifying shampoo? If you haven't, it might be worth a shot. Just use it once a week to get rid of build-up.

Also, what kind of water do you have?

If you have hard or very soft water, it can cause problems with your hair and also your skin. We have very hard water where I live. So, once a week I "chelate" my hair to remove mineral build up. It's very easy (look on youtube for how-to vids) and it really helps!

[beachbum22]

Also, hair can look more oily when it's straight. I don't know how practical it would be to curl or wave her hair everyday, but maybe it will help?

I also suggest braids. They're my go-to for dirty, 2-3 day old unwashed hair.

[pinkly]

LOL she uses clarifying shampoo. And her hair does not hold a curl. Had it in curlformers overnight one night with product. Didn’t brush it or anything after taking the curlers out. Fell by the time she walked into school.

Just laughing because it’s all so ridiculous. The poor kid.

I have no idea what kind of water we have but will look into that, so thank you!

[tiramisu]

Your daughter's hair sounds like mine. If she has oily roots and dry, tangled ends, I'm going to guess she has hard water buildup in her hair. I have a chelating shampoo but what I use that works best is a filtered showerhead (Culligan, I got it at Bed Bath and Beyond) and an occasional apple cider vinegar rinse.

The way I did it most recently: 4 Tbsp ACV (the unfiltered kind) to 16 oz filtered water. I mixed them together and poured into a water bottle. In the shower, I washed my hair with shampoo, then poured the ACV mixed over my hair and scalp, concentrating it most on the areas that felt the worst. I then used a clip to put it up, left it in for at least 5 minutes, but probably longer, then rinsed it out, used conditioner, and let that sit for a few minutes.

Some tips I've found over my 38 years: too many silicones make things worse. Some silicone is good, it gives more slip, but eventually it becomes problematic. The very first thing I do in the shower is wash my hair and apply conditioner, combing/raking it through my hair my fingers. Then I twist it up and secure it with a clip, let it sit for the remainder of the shower, and wash it out as the second to last thing I do (last is washing my face). Products that are too moisturizing or have too much protein in them make my hair worse. I definitely condition primarily from the ears down, except when I've done some type of clarifying treatment, then I use a deep conditioner.

For shampoo and conditioner right now I'm trying out the Verb Ghost line. My favorite brush is the Wet hairbrush. Sometimes a good leave-in spray can be helpful, but many have too many silicones for me to love them long-term.

[tiramisu]

Oh, I also carry a mini version of the Wet brush in my purse and brush out tangles multiple times throughout the day. My hair lays pretty damn flat and barely curls (unless it dries that way or a flatiron is used to curl it), plus it loses any curling completely with humidity. I think another big thing is helping your daughter like and accept her hair as is, instead of thinking it needs to be big and bouncy. Even in the 80s I had super straight crimped hair. Like, you could see the iron marks. It's actually really easy to take care of one you figure out a couple key things. I let mine air dry all the time.

[pinkly]

Thank you, @tiramsu ! I will try your suggestions.

I tell her all the time I actually think her hair is cute. It’s sassy, short like it is. She does NOT want to hear it. But then she won’t take my suggestion to shave her head. *shrug*

[tiramisu]

Nov 24, 2018 0:30:58 GMT -5 pinkly said:

Thank you, @tiramsu ! I will try your suggestions.

I tell her all the time I actually think her hair is cute. It’s sassy, short like it is. She does NOT want to hear it. But then she won’t take my suggestion to shave her head. *shrug*

I mean I get it, she's at a tough age for loving and accepting oneself. I hope the tips are helpful and please let me know if you have any other questions or if there's anything else I can do to help.

[cabbagecabbage]

All my friends with baby fine hair credit dry shampoo as life-changing. Most of them have cut their should-length hair into pixies or other very short styles as adults and really loved it. I know not everyone wants very short hair but it seems to be the way to make the finest hair look its best.

[tiramisu]

pinkly something else I thought of! For me, shorter hair was/is tough because my hair is SO DAMN STRAIGHT that I absolutely needed to blow dry it to make it look good in shorter styles, for the most part. I have it long again now and I love it. If it would help your daughter to see pictures of hair like hers and what it can do at different lengths, I can dig some out.

I also was wondering how she/you two blow dry her hair. There are lots of tricks to help give a little more volume (flipping upside down, blow drying in the opposite direction from hope you want it to lay (especially bangs).

It's funny, I've always thought that I didn't learn how to do anything with my hair and that I'm hair dumb, but apparently I have learned something over the years.

And yes to dry shampoo. I wash my hair every other day, unless it doesn't seem dirty at the end of day two, then I'll add a little dry shampoo. My favorites are Klorane and Moroccanoil. A natural-bristle brush to use once a day or so for distribution of hair oils is really good as well.

[pinkly]

Nov 24, 2018 15:05:29 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

pinkly something else I thought of! For me, shorter hair was/is tough because my hair is SO DAMN STRAIGHT that I absolutely needed to blow dry it to make it look good in shorter styles, for the most part. I have it long again now and I love it. If it would help your daughter to see pictures of hair like hers and what it can do at different lengths, I can dig some out.

I also was wondering how she/you two blow dry her hair. There are lots of tricks to help give a little more volume (flipping upside down, blow drying in the opposite direction from hope you want it to lay (especially bangs).

It's funny, I've always thought that I didn't learn how to do anything with my hair and that I'm hair dumb, but apparently I have learned something over the years.

And yes to dry shampoo. I wash my hair every other day, unless it doesn't seem dirty at the end of day two, then I'll add a little dry shampoo. My favorites are Klorane and Moroccanoil. A natural-bristle brush to use once a day or so for distribution of hair oils is really good as well.

Thank you for all the suggestions! I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this yourself.

She’s had it longer as well. It gets... wispy and dry and super tangly when it is longer, but its just a different set of “problems” I guess.

We blow dried yesterday, upside down and opposite. With volumizing product. No dice. It’s hard for her to not wash every day because of the sheer amount of physical activity. She is also very sweaty. How do you get by not washing hair after that? I’ve always wondered this about anyone who does that because I am an every day washer myself.

We have tried the dry shampoo though - just hard to find for the darker hair because you can see it on the hair, and she doesn’t like that either of course.

She does have a natural bristle brush, and we like that a lot.

I know it probably sounds like I have an comeback for every single suggestion, it’s just that we have tried so many things. Is there any merit to a perm? Would that be ridiculous? It doesn’t help that she compares herself to her sister who has long, thick, wavy hair that looks great as long as she brushes it. I tell her we are all different, and there is nothing wrong with her hair, etc. etc., but it doesn’t help.

[pooh8402]

Fwiw, I had this same hair growing up and I permed it. It was not a good look growing out though.

I was wondering... you said she's currently using clarifying shampoo. Is that every time she washes? If so, then that could be over drying her scalp aand making it overcompensate on the oil production. My sisters have similar hair to your DD and once they switched to a gentle shampoo that doesn't strip the hair, they saw better results.

Also, I have dark hair as well, and use dry shampoo all the time. I normally use Batiste for brunette hair (I can get it from my grocery store or Ulta). But I've used plain old baby powder before. I use it at night, and allow my movement during sleep to work the powder into my roots so it's not gray or greasy in thr morning.

[beachbum22]

I second what pooh8402 said; washing hair everyday, and clarifying too often, will make hair more oily as it tries to compensate.

You said she gets sweaty. Is it during a sport where she could wear a sports headband to absorb some of the sweat and oil? Like this:

I definitely recommend finding out what kind of water you have. If it's soft, the product won't rinse out of her hair completely, or clean her hair very well. A clarifying shampoo is best for product build-up.

If it's hard water, she could have mineral build up, which is why I suggest chelating. The first time I tried chelating, I did it because I had oily hair, and an itchy scalp. I was using Head & Shoulders, and it did not help. I think it was making it worse!

I chelated with Dawn dish soap (blue) and a little bit of lemon juice. Then I applied a thick conditioning hair mask to the middle of my hair down to the tips. Afterwards, my hair was so much better, it wasn't oily or dry, it was soft, and my scalp finally stopped itching, too! It. Was. Amazing!

For clarifying and general maintenance, I use this Accure shampoo. It's gentle, so it's safe to use with every wash.

www.target.com/p/acure-curiously-clarifying-lemongrass-argan-shampoo-12-fl-oz/-/A-52532620

Next, try to wash her hair only every other day, or every 2 days if possible.  I would not recommend using dry shampoo until the 2nd day, to give the scalp a chance to adjust.

On the second day, use the dry shampoo (I like Batiste), and put her hair in a ponytail, or braids if it still looks noticeably oily/stringy.

When using dry shampoo, there's a few tricks you can try...

The first one is to spray it as close to the scalp and roots as possible, lifting the hair in sections to be more precise. Additionally, I flip my hair over, and make sure to hit underneath as well.

Next trick is to spray it on her hair as mentioned above, then let it sit for as long as you can. Instead of brushing, gently massage it into the hair as if you were actually shampooing it. This will distribute it more evenly, and make the white-cast go away. After you massage it all in, then you can brush the hair like normal.

If none of those tips help, the last tip is to spray it in her hair the night before, and let it absorb the excess oil over night. In the morning, you can do a spot touch-up and add more if necessary.

Remember, it might take a little while to get her hair to be less oily, so don't give up. It may take a couple weeks or more, don't lose hope

[tiramisu]

Nov 24, 2018 20:25:32 GMT -5 pinkly said:

Nov 24, 2018 15:05:29 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

pinkly something else I thought of! For me, shorter hair was/is tough because my hair is SO DAMN STRAIGHT that I absolutely needed to blow dry it to make it look good in shorter styles, for the most part. I have it long again now and I love it. If it would help your daughter to see pictures of hair like hers and what it can do at different lengths, I can dig some out.

I also was wondering how she/you two blow dry her hair. There are lots of tricks to help give a little more volume (flipping upside down, blow drying in the opposite direction from hope you want it to lay (especially bangs).

It's funny, I've always thought that I didn't learn how to do anything with my hair and that I'm hair dumb, but apparently I have learned something over the years.

And yes to dry shampoo. I wash my hair every other day, unless it doesn't seem dirty at the end of day two, then I'll add a little dry shampoo. My favorites are Klorane and Moroccanoil. A natural-bristle brush to use once a day or so for distribution of hair oils is really good as well.

Thank you for all the suggestions! I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this yourself.

She’s had it longer as well. It gets... wispy and dry and super tangly when it is longer, but its just a different set of “problems” I guess.

We blow dried yesterday, upside down and opposite. With volumizing product. No dice. It’s hard for her to not wash every day because of the sheer amount of physical activity. She is also very sweaty. How do you get by not washing hair after that? I’ve always wondered this about anyone who does that because I am an every day washer myself.

We have tried the dry shampoo though - just hard to find for the darker hair because you can see it on the hair, and she doesn’t like that either of course.

She does have a natural bristle brush, and we like that a lot.

I know it probably sounds like I have an comeback for every single suggestion, it’s just that we have tried so many things. Is there any merit to a perm? Would that be ridiculous? It doesn’t help that she compares herself to her sister who has long, thick, wavy hair that looks great as long as she brushes it. I tell her we are all different, and there is nothing wrong with her hair, etc. etc., but it doesn’t help.

If her hair is getting even drier and more tangled when it's longer, it sounds like she needs different products and you might also have hard water. Hard water buildup can keep you from having any bounce to your hair. She might also need more moisturizing products. I honestly find using volumizing shampoo to be a bad idea because it strips the hair so much. A good shampoo without sodium lauryl sulfate or many silicones is one recommendation.

Since she has dark hair, it's easier for her to get away with not washing every day. It can take a little bit of time to adjust and dry shampoo is very helpful for this (Moroccanoil does come in different shades, I believe, but the Batiste is a great idea). I dance two days a week (back to back) and I just don't wash my hair even if I get sweaty. I find if I just rinse with water and use a little conditioner my hair feels worse than if I leave it alone completely.

I think for her, I'd focus on helping her hair feel its healthiest as it is right now. Her hair can also be brush-and-go beautiful, though it won't look like her sister's and that's okay. It's really not that hard a hair type to deal with and there's lots to love about super fine, super straight hair. The tangles are really the worst part, but that's what the wet brush is good for.

I also advise against a perm. That was the only time I had actual matting in my hair because I couldn't figure out how to properly care for it, since you're not supposed to brush curls much, and how to manage the tangles I still got.

What products is she using currently?

[pinkly]

Thanks again, everyone! Lots of things to try, for sure.

She currently uses a variety of shampoos and conditioners I bought during the annual Beauty Brands sale. Kenra clarifying, some Biolage, some Redken. She rotated between them.

At this point she’s not really using anything else because none of it helps. We tried a couple different Aveda products with blow drying. A volumizing dry shampoo from Target, just different things.

I will try the chelating, get a more gentle shampoo, and take the volumizing shampoo out of the rotation.

And we will try every other day on the hair washing, which is probably what I am most nervous about.

[tiramisu]

The Kenra clarifying shampoo is chelating, it's what I use. When I use it, I follow it up with a hair mask. My current favorite is from Trader Joe's, even though it doesn't provide quite as much slip as I'd like.

Another thing I didn't think of: hidden drying alcohols in products. I've seen isopropyl alcohol in conditioner! I'm trying to think about products, but overall I'd say for you and her to not be scared to use a more hydrating conditioner than is indicated for her hair type. I've even used ones meant for curly hair with some success, at times, but it has to be the right formulation.

Good luck to you and your daughter!! Washing every other day isn't terrible. A second-day bun/ponytail/half-up half-down style isn't the worst thing in the world.

[karinothing]

That is basically my hair. I have it cut into a inverted bob (but a regular bob works well too). I have to shower in the morning and dry with a roundbrush. I can NOT do every other hair washing. It does not work.

[spindle92]

You described my hair to a T, except I am blonde and I think you said she has dark hair.

I recently cut it from mid back length to shoulder length and added a lot of layer to give it some volume.

I have tried and tried the no washing daily thing but I just cannot do it. There is not enough dry shampoo in the world to cover my grease.

I cannot wash my hair at night because it looks like crap in the AM.
I have a very bad habit of putting my hands in my hair, right above my forehead, when I get stressed. (Which lately is a lot). That makes it look greasy by noon. The one saving grace for me is hairspray. If I spray it in the morning, I do not run my hands thru it and then it stays less greasy.

Here is my exact routine in the AM.

1. Aveda Color Conserve Shampoo
2. Aveda Color Conserve Conditioner - ONLY on my ends. It does not come anywhere near my scalp.
Once I am out of the shower, I use a towel to suck up as much moisture as possible.

Then I add the following:
3. Aveda Damage Remedy Daily Hair Repair. Just like conditioner, this only goes on the ends, No where near my scalp.
4. Aveda Phomollient styling foam. I do not put it directly on my scalp but I do run my fingers thru my haor with this product.

Then I blowdry with a round brush.
5. spray lightly with Pantene Air spray #3.

This routine keeps my grease under control.

IF I add a workout in there, I am done. There is no coming back from that sweatiness. I have to wash my hair after a workout, plain and simple.

[cattledogkisses]

I have straight, fine hair. Things that make a big difference for me:

We have very hard water, so I do a diluted vinegar rinse on my hair once a week. This helps a lot.

I use Big Sexy Hair Root Pump, which is a volumizing mousse on my roots while my hair is still wet. That gives me a little volume at the roots, but it also seems to help stave off greasiness. I like this particular mousse because once my hair is dry I can still run my fingers through it and it doesn't feel sticky or gross.

I wash my hair every other day and use dry shampoo on the non-wash day. I actually spray on the dry shampoo the night before right before bed and sleep on it, that way it soaks up any greasiness before it gets to be bad. Then I just brush it out in the morning.

Hope this helps!

[pantsparty]

I have similar hair. When it was shorter, I felt it looked oilier on top. It's now pretty long.

I know you said her hair doesn't hold curl - mine doesn't either, with a product like curlformers. However, it does hold curl with a curling wand. I have a Hot Tools one I like a lot. It creates waves instead of curls, but what I've noticed is the fullness at the bottom tends to pull the hair away from the scalp, which helps my roots to look less oily and and flat.

I also agree with trying dry shampoo at night. Redken has a good powder dry shampoo. I think powders work the best, although sprays are more convenient.

[DarcyLongfellow]

My hair is just like that. Very fine, but I have a lot of it.

The best thing I ever did was stop washing my hair every day. Before that, I'd wash my hair in the morning, and by dinner time it would look greasy and like it needed to be washed again. It took a long time for my hair to adjust -- I was basically a grease ball for a couple of weeks/months (I honestly can't remember now). I lived on dry shampoo. But now, I can easily skip a day, and I usually skip 2 days of washing. (I rinse it out and condition it in the shower on days I don't shampoo it.)

Dry shampoo took me a while to figure out. My hair is very dark, so it would sometimes show up on me as well. The thing with dry shampoo is that it works best if you apply it the night before. Apply a ton of it to your scalp, then work it in with your fingertips. Then maybe apply some more. That gives it the whole night to soak up the oil. In the morning, apply more -- then massage it into your scalp. It shouldn't be noticeable then. I like Batiste brand. They do make one for dark hair, but I've never tried it.

[imojoebunny]

I spend a lot of time around 12 year olds, and last year, around 11 year olds. I think it is just a thing that that kids that age have. DD's long time BFF is 13, and her hair looks like someone put Crisco in it some days. She is no shrinking violet, you might have seen her on a popular show. You have tried the shampoos and conditioners and not conditioners, and different shampoos. You can spend your life trying to look better in very small, expensive, time consuming increments, or you can just embrace, accept, and accept basic hygiene. At 11, if you don't smell, you are doing well.

BTW... If your daughter has asthma or allergies, I would skip dry shampoos. Those scents/fragrances/chemicals can be really aggravating to people with any kind of reaction.

[dancelnow]

As far as how to get passed not washing after working out, she can shower at night and wash her body and either skip the hair or just give it a good rinse to get the salt out.

Personally I hate when my SD goes to bed with wet hair because I feel like it's not good for her scalp, but she's 8 so we're not moving into blow-drying yet.

[Clairex]

Nov 26, 2018 17:53:09 GMT -5 spindle92 said:

You described my hair to a T, except I am blonde and I think you said she has dark hair.

I recently cut it from mid back length to shoulder length and added a lot of layer to give it some volume.

I have tried and tried the no washing daily thing but I just cannot do it. There is not enough dry shampoo in the world to cover my grease.

I cannot wash my hair at night because it looks like crap in the AM.
I have a very bad habit of putting my hands in my hair, right above my forehead, when I get stressed. (Which lately is a lot). That makes it look greasy by noon. The one saving grace for me is hairspray. If I spray it in the morning, I do not run my hands thru it and then it stays less greasy.

Here is my exact routine in the AM.

1. Aveda Color Conserve Shampoo
2. Aveda Color Conserve Conditioner - ONLY on my ends. It does not come anywhere near my scalp.
Once I am out of the shower, I use a towel to suck up as much moisture as possible.

Then I add the following:
3. Aveda Damage Remedy Daily Hair Repair. Just like conditioner, this only goes on the ends, No where near my scalp.
4. Aveda Phomollient styling foam. I do not put it directly on my scalp but I do run my fingers thru my haor with this product.

Then I blowdry with a round brush.
5. spray lightly with Pantene Air spray #3.

This routine keeps my grease under control.

IF I add a workout in there, I am done. There is no coming back from that sweatiness. I have to wash my hair after a workout, plain and simple.

Wow, that's a great post. I will definitely steal this for myself
I have a shoulder length straight blonde hair, it's oily and I have dandruff sometimes. I also have the habit of rubbing my hair and tangling the ends during the day, so it becomes greasy just like yours. The hairspray sounds like a neat idea to restrain it.
Just a few questions now.
I was using OGX shampoo for the most of time because it's cheap and sulfate tree, is Aveda sulfate free?
Currently, I can't find any Aveda products in the vicinity, except Aveda Pure Abundance, like one mentioned here. It is said it's also good for oily hair. Is it worth trying until I find anything more?

[spindle92]

Clairex, Yes Aveda is Sulfrate free.
I use the color conserve just to help keep my color somewhat fresh but I have used pure abundance before too and like it a lot.

Aveda does have a website and they usually have free shipping.
They also sell trial sizes, though they are a bit pricey but not as much as an entire bottle, but it is a way to try some of their products without spending a ton of cash.

and No I do not work for Aveda or get any commission or anything for them I just LOVE their products.
Good luck and feel free to ask me any other questions.