How much have you shared with friends/family/colleagues?

[chocolatepie]

We are just starting the IVF journey but I know many of you have been traveling this road for a long time. Obviously IVF will require a lot of office visits and while my hours are flexible, and my boss (who already knows everything) is on board with coming/going as needed, we work as a tight-knit team and I wonder if I should be honest so snarky comments aren't made about my frequent absences. I also have that surgery in ~2 weeks which will affect work a tad. In other words, they are going to need to cover for me some. 

My husband does not seem interested in sharing with family/friends but he won't be dealing with most of the process And if/when we experience failure and loss, wouldn't I want my family and closest friends to know? I do want to respect his feelings on it, though...

So, who have you shared the process with? Colleagues? Family? Friends? And do you regret any of that? How did your DH feel about keeping it private vs sharing?

[ilovecandy]

When we did ivf the first time my bosses at work knew because of all the appointments with medical notes.

I also told one of my co workers who I was friends with.

My parents knew, and one of my brothers said something/guessed and my mom confirmed it so they knew.

We wanted to be able to announce on our terms and not have people expecting it because they knew we were on treatment. As it is it ended in chemical pregnancy.

We are now gearing up for round two and everyone knows we are doing ivf in the near future but only few people know what the expected timeline ipart of that is because we have to firm the timeline up with our doctor.

[icedcoffee]

For my first round we told almost no one (1 friend who was also doing IVF knew and my sister). Once we got pregnant we also didn't tell anyone until 12 weeks. The exception is that I had to tell work at 9 weeks because I was put on bed rest for bleeding. It really wasn't a big deal not telling work because most of the appointments were at 7 am so I could still get to work without anyone really noticing. I just called in sick for egg retrieval. Once we hit like 20 weeks we told anyone who cared that we did IVF.

For our current round, I told the same 1 friend and my sister. I wasn't going to tell anyone else, but I actually told 2 friends yesterday. They were putting some pressure on about booking a girl's trip for January and I just can't commit to anything until I know if we'll be cycling again in January. My H was hesitant, but then we decided to just spill the beans. It just felt easier to tell them why I was being so noncommittal.

They key part of all this is I didn't tell my parents and I still won't. I just can't deal with calls asking for status updates or tears over everything from my mom. No regrets at all. Managing my own emotions is enough.

There's no right answer.

[stellelinds25]

My friends/family/co-workers who I'm friendly with all know we are going down the IVF road. Only a few know our actual schedule and when we are pursuing treatments. Like ilovecandy said, I don't want a bunch of questions when we retrieve/transfer, especially if things don't go well. My parents/IL's, siblings and a few close friends will know specifics and that's probably it.

[seeyalater52]

I’ve shared too much. I don’t regret being open about it but I do regret sharing so much info about timing. Everyone means well and I know their questions come from wanting to be supportive but I feel like they’re all trying to nail down the timeline and it feels really awkward to tell them I don’t feel like talking about it anymore.

Every new disappointment is shared by a billion people. It’s a lot to manage, especially my family and their emotions. (My mom’s first reaction to hearing about our second loss this weekend was “I’m so sad for our whole family.” Like... not helpful.)

[G22]

When we were TTTC #1, I told very few people anything through our IUIs. But when we got to IVF I opened up about our fertility issues on my blog. We also told both our parents because my RE was out of state and it required me to be gone for 3 weeks at a time.

I dont regret it, because when my first IVF failed, my mom was there when I needed to cry afterwards. She knew when we started our IVF cycles, but I never told anyone the exact day I'd know if it worked or not. I wanted the be able to digest the info before sharing at my own choice.

This time around I've already told both our parents we are gearing up for FET. And several of my running buddies here know because I've warned them I'll be cutting back on running soon.

Theres no right or wrong answer here, its whatever you are comfortable with.

[fairfax]

I haven’t shared anything with work. I just told my boss that I was dealing with some medical stuff and would have more appointments than normal for a while. Luckily he is very flexible and let’s me manage my schedule however I want as long as the work gets done. He honestly would be supportive, but I just find it too personal to share right now. Also he’s a bit of a blabbermouth!

My bff knows everything, she and her sister are going through it too. We talk a lot.

We told our parents when I miscarried (only because we had to cancel travel plans) and that we were doing IVF. I am very private and so we don’t share any details or timelines really. My parents get it and don’t pry, they know we’ll tell them when there is something to share. My MIL is more nosy and would be asking for updates all the time if she knew specifics - I can’t deal with managing anyone else’s expectations right now, plus she already makes comments that put me off.

My H is more open than I am and at first I think it was hard for him to keep things private. But after I explained my concerns (and after hearing some of the comments his mom made even with limited info) he gets it more now. And frankly, it’s my body and I’m the one dealing with most of this, so I get to choose what I’m comfortable with.

[msmerymac]

It took me about 2 years to share with family. Finally, when we moved to IVF we told my parents. My in-laws found out after my first miscarriage, which was after our first IVF transfer. One of my friends actually mentioned it to my mom at one time, but by then, I had told her. (Said friend knows because she was also dealing with IF). At this point, I've told a lot more people. The best (worst) is when they say, "Oh, are you trying to have kids?" I don't even know where to go with that. Yeah, we've been trying for 4 years, have had 2 losses, and are about to start a 5th egg retrieval. I guess you could say we're "trying." But I haven't been open about it, so it's not their fault they ask such innocent questions.

It's a weird thing to open up about. Like, when someone asks how you are, I can't just say, "Well, just had my second miscarriage, but feeling okay otherwise." I actually was telling my chiropractor a story and mentioned being in the ER and he casually said, "Oh, what was that for?" and I was like, "I had a miscarriage" all nonchalant, and the look on his face was kind of shock and horror, so it's tricky.

Work doesn't really know. First, it's a small company, and the owners are very Christian and don't offer IF coverage in the health insurance. I'm not sure if that's coincidence or design. I don't really want to open up about IVF to them. My coworkers? I don't know. Someday, maybe. My monitoring so far has been able to be fit in before I start, and I just take a sick day or a half sick day/work from home if I need a longer procedure. I did tell my boss after my first miscarriage because it was easier to explain why I wanted to work from home, and I think she suspected when I had the second. She also shared that she had recurring miscarriages before adopting her son, then her daughter was a surprise because of that.

[landmermaid]

My family knows I've had two miscarriages. Once I hit 10 weeks with my second, I started to tell my family and some friends, and gave a little history to how we got there. I figured that one miscarriage was "normal" and percentages were on my side that things would be just fine this time. After we learned we had a missed miscarriage we had to tell everyone about another loss. I didn't want to tell anyone ever again unless we were walking out of the hospital with a newborn.

With our third loss, I barely wanted to tell my H I was pregnant again. Two of my closest friends (and sister) were confided in, and we're wonderful supports when I lost that one. Only one friend knows that I'm seeing a fertility specialist now.

I think if this works out someday I'd be able to share what we've been through. But right now it works best for me to keep everything close.

[konapoppy]

I think whatever you are most comfortable with is the right answer. My parents and BFF knew about my first miscarriage at 7 weeks, and a lot of people (friends, family, coworkers) knew about my second loss (TFMR, but we didn’t share that widely).

When we started IUIs, we didn’t really tell anyone - not even about my third loss. When we did IVF, I told my friends and my family, but not my boss or coworkers beyond that I going through some medical stuff. I didn’t give them any info on timing of retrieval, transfer, etc which took some of the pressure off since at that point it had been 3 years since my first loss and I could feel people “watching”.

It is nice to have support when you need it. You know yourself best in what you need. ❤️

[EllieT]

So we decided to be fairly open about our IF. Both DH’s parents and my parents knew we needed IVF (my mom and steppad paid for it!) and they knew roughly when we did it but nit the exact dates. When it came to the FET (we ended up with a freeze all IVF cycle) I did actually ly to my mom about it and told her the transfer was several weeks later. I just didn’t want them to know exactly when or to ask about it.

Both DH’s brother and my brother have done IVF but with different levels of openess (and unfortunately very different results). BIL and SIL were dealing with newborn twins (and one of them had a heart defect and needed several big surgeries) and a 3 yr old right as we were doing our treatments so their lives were very hectic and they didn’t really have the time or mental capacity to get too involved with our journey. And my brother and his wife were extremely closed about their IF (all I know second hand is that they did IVF) and ended up having to live CFNBC so I found it very hard to bring up with them. I know they know we went through it and I’ve sort of given them a few ‘ins’ to talk about it but I guess they don’t want to talk about it at all.

Now trying for #2 our families know but not the exact timeline. Both failed FETs I’ve told them about afterwards

[EllieT]

I didn’t tell my boss but two coworkers knew since I needed to switch shifts with them. We were very open about IVF once I was pregnant though so my boss and I talked about it afterwards. This time I haven’t told my boss (I’ve switched units so I have a new boss) but I’ve been more open with all my coworkers but I’m not sure they really understand what I’ve told them. Like I told them in our work fb group I couldn’t work a certain day because I would be doing an embryo transfer that day but I’m not sure they know what that means. No one has said anything.

[janegold]

Not currently going through treatment but will weigh in anyway. We told very few people; I didn't want the pressure of people asking me when treatments were happening and how they went, etc.

I told no one at work and luckily I can be in and out of the office as needed/desired, so it wasn't a big deal to get to appointments. (I later learned that some of my partners suspected, however.)

I eventually told a couple close friends and my sister that we were struggling and going through fertility treatments, but no specifics about treatments or dates. Right before or after we started IVF, I told my parents, but again, did not tell them specifics. I told my mom when we lost the first pregnancy, but we didn't tell anyone when we did our successful FET a couple months later. We didn't tell my ILs about our treatments at all at the time; we did mention we did IVF to them after the fact, and they had exactly nothing to say about it, and it's never come up since so...*shrug*

[janegold]

Nov 26, 2018 10:27:08 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

(My mom’s first reaction to hearing about our second loss this weekend was “I’m so sad for our whole family.” Like... not helpful.)

That's exactly how I knew my mom would be, too, and why I didn't tell her until very late in the game.  She means well, and I'm sure your mom does too, but there's a line between being empathetic and being so personally invested that you end up making things worse - or at least fail to be as supportive as you could be. 

If you wish fewer people knew the details, you can still wipe the slate clean. No need to tell anyone when you start your next cycle (I'm just catching up on the last few weeks of board news, by the way, and I'm very sorry about your loss), and if they ask, just be vague or lie and say you're taking some time off from treatments.

I actually found this board to be the best source of support when we were undergoing treatments - many of us had been on for a long time together and "knew" each other well enough to be amazing cheerleaders for each other, but the absence of that personal investment, and being able to be open about details of treatment without concern of pressure or nosiness or disappointment, was refreshing and freeing.

[nellgirl]

I’m not active here, but read a lot.
The only person aside from my H who knows is a friend from work. I would never tell my boss, but that’s because she’s a bully and would find a way to use it against me or humiliate me publicly. If I had a normal boss, I would for sure. Fortunately, I’m in a strong union and have a ton of sick leave banked.

[Jalapeñomel]

Everyone knows. I'm an open door, probably to a fault.

[cherryvalance]

I echo the sentiment that whatever you're comfortable with is the best choice, with one caveat. Your reactions might surprise you and I find it's always easier to divulge more information than to suddenly start withholding it.

We had to tell work right away and I was open with colleagues once we progressed to IVF.

I also told my mom when we moved on to IVF the first time, but I was vague with timelines. This past time we didn't tell them anything until we heard a heartbeat. Although I made different choices each time, they were both right at the moment.