Good riddance to Monday

[SwimDeep]

It's Tuesday, people!

I'm not sleeping tonight...I got triggered by the news and ended up in a fight with my H. I'm writing a blog about it, but I feel like it's one of those "write an angry email and then delete it" type things.

SPOILER: Click to show

Basically, my older brother molested me when we were kids. (He was 7 and I was 5...it was kissing, and I didn't want it.) And all the praise for Bush Sr. with no mention of the groping allegations set me off. I blew up. It wasn't fair to my H, and I ended up telling him about my older brother.

I feel dirty and broken. I wish I hadn't told my H - not because of the way he reacted, but because of the way it made me feel.

And I can't sleep like this...so I'm up. Watching movies and working.

[SwimDeep]

Also...it really sucks not to have access to a kitchen right now. I'm hungry, but I can't get to any food without disturbing someone sleeping

[tiramisu]

I'm so sorry SwimDeep. Big hugs to you. When do you go see your therapist again? I hope you can talk about it with them soon.

[SwimDeep]

tiramisu, I see my psych today. I don't know when I'll see my therapist again. She tends to get booked up pretty far out in advance. I'll try to get on her schedule as soon as I can.

Thanks for the hugs.

[SwimDeep]

Sorry for the stream of posts today... H is sore at me this morning. He says that last night I took something that had nothing to do with me and made it all about me. That's the whole point of a trigger, right? And then he says I was even more selfish for staying up all night because my laptop screen kept him awake.

Anyway...I feel cold and scared and I have no one to talk to.

I got a ton of work done last night, though. So I'll have an easy work day today

ETA: Yes, I know my H is being a jerk right now.

[bullygirl979]

Hugs, SwimDeep

[spindle92]

Hugs SwimDeep.

I recommend getting on a regular schedule with your therapist.
Mine is super hard to get into too so I make like 3 appointments at a time and then after each one I make a new one, so I always have 3 on the books.

[tiramisu]

I also recommend trying to get on a regular schedule with your therapist.

I'm curious, did YH know about what happened before last night?
You are not dirty, you're not broken. Your trauma was triggered by a current event. That happens. I'm sorry YH is being a jerk about all of this right now.

[SwimDeep]

tiramisu, he had no idea about any of it. I completely blindsided him - first with my emotional wreckage and then with my announcement/declaration. I'm not surprised he didn't receive me very well.

Still, it'd be nice if he didn't always have to have the last word.

[tiramisu]

Dec 4, 2018 13:26:36 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

tiramisu, he had no idea about any of it. I completely blindsided him - first with my emotional wreckage and then with my announcement/declaration. I'm not surprised he didn't receive me very well.

Still, it'd be nice if he didn't always have to have the last word.

Look, I know you like to blame yourself and I know we can all learn to express ourselves better, but your trauma was triggered. You didn't blindside him, you disclosed to him while triggered/in a heightened state. Unless you were screaming at him that it's all his fault, I think you need to go a little easier on yourself about it. Yes, he was blindsided by the information, but not by you. And he chose to get yourself with how you told him instead of having your disclosure with kindness, even if it overwhelmed him. I'm not trying to say he's a terrible person. I'm simply saying regardless of how you handled it, he could have handled things better. Mostly I hate seeing anything that looks like you beating yourself up.

[SwimDeep]

Thank you, tiramisu. I do need to be kinder to myself

I'm feeling much better today - got some sleep last night. And H and I are on a better page. We haven't talked about it yet, but I'm not ready to talk about it anyway so that's okay.