Dating sucks! Need Help!

[sakoro]

Hello fellow single ladies,

I need some serious advice on the online dating thing.... After my last relationship (about 1 year) ended, I decided to go on Bumble to try and meet someone new. I'm 40 and live in the SF Bay Area and don't have kids, although I'm open to men who do. For my search criteria, I said I was looking for men 37-49 for a long term relationship or marriage. Here are my results after 1 week:

• Texted with a 43 divorced father, sounds like the divorce was pretty recent and the kids are 3 and 4 years old. He has a lot going on and didn't ask me out, just likes to text.
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• Phone call with 42 year old man, never married, no kids, owns a house and has professional job. He kept talking about his height 5'5 and how tall women like me would never be happy with him, even though I reassured him I didn't care. I'm 5'7 and have never been picky about height. Didn't ask me out because he couldn't get past the height thing.
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• Coffee date with 37 year old man, never married, no kids. Date went pretty well and we took a walk around the neighborhood after coffee. When he asked me what I wanted in a relationship, I said stability and commitment and when I asked him, he said the same. The next morning, he texted me saying that he did not want a long term relationship and was wondering if I would be up for a casual/ friends with benefits arrangement? I reminded him of our conversation and declined.
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• Coffee date with 44 year old man, divorced, own small condo, no kids, but eager to have kids. The date conversation was a little odd but we parted on friendly terms. The next morning, I woke up to a text that said "so, you wanna hook up?". I wrote back "no thank you".
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• Texted with 49 year old divorced father with 3 teenaged and college-aged kids. Seemed very nice but then started complaining about his ex who enrages him with her micromanagement and how much he resents paying child support. Also said that he lives 4 blocks away from the ex and can't have any women he dates over to his house because the ex will see the car and become enraged. Politely declined his offer of a date. Rrrrrrrruuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnn!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to meet marriage-minded/ long term relationship men? I am thinking that the apps like Bumble just encourage people to keep it casual and never settle down. But eharmony and the like seem to be ghost towns these days. I think there is some weird disease infecting the GenX men in the SF Bay Area in particular. Even the men who are middle-aged and own property and have stable jobs do not want long term girlfriends or marriage. I'm not dressing provocatively and make it clear in my profile that I'm only looking for LTR/ marriage. Where are the marriage-minded ones hiding out?

[doriswe]

I hate to say it, but this is a numbers game sort of thing. I don't even know how many guys I've talked to/met over the course of seven years, when I finally met my now bf. It was hilarious and depressing equally. Don't settle and if you know what you're looking for, you'll find it...eventually

[TheSeaward]

Stop looking for a long term commitment and just date, it is about the numbers.

[freezorburn]

I hear very similar stories from most of my friends who are in their 40s and 50s who are dating.

Maybe try a professional matchmaker instead of online dating?

[sakoro]

Dec 6, 2018 10:57:27 GMT -5 TheSeaward said:

Stop looking for a long term commitment and just date, it is about the numbers.

Thanks for the advice, but I'm not sure what you're advising exactly?

If guys in their late 30s/ 40s are writing back the following after a date:

"I've been thinking that I'm not looking for a LTR.... Mentioning earlier that you're on the creative / liberal side, would you be open to more of an ongoing casual sex, maybe FWB relationship?"

or "So would you like to hook up?"

I should just say "yes" and do the friends with benefits thing for a while in the hopes that he will get attached to me and eventually become open to a long term relationship? Because that has not panned out for me in the past-- if the guy tells me directly that he doesn't want a LTR, it stays a friends with benefits/ random text/ phone call once a month type of situation. I could see it happening with a 25 year old or someone who hasn't been living an adult life very long, hasn't completed school, has lots of student loan debt, that needs some time to mature and get their heads around commitment, but these men are older and a bit past that point in life.

I want to be honest with them about my long term goals because I will become very frustrated and unsatisfied with being a friend with benefits. I am pretty clear in my own mind that what I'm craving is the stability of having a partner in addition to sex. But I almost feel like rather than the default desire for middle aged adults, this is some sort of weird alternative lifestyle.

[sakoro]

Dec 6, 2018 16:41:39 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

I hear very similar stories from most of my friends who are in their 40s and 50s who are dating.

Maybe try a professional matchmaker instead of online dating?

Do you or your friends have a recommendation for a service?

[dancelnow]

Try other dating sites. Bumble definitely has a hookup reputation. Maybe something like Match.

[freezorburn]

Dec 6, 2018 17:31:45 GMT -5 sakoro said:

Dec 6, 2018 10:57:27 GMT -5 TheSeaward said:

Stop looking for a long term commitment and just date, it is about the numbers.

Thanks for the advice, but I'm not sure what you're advising exactly?

If guys in their late 30s/ 40s are writing back the following after a date:

"I've been thinking that I'm not looking for a LTR.... Mentioning earlier that you're on the creative / liberal side, would you be open to more of an ongoing casual sex, maybe FWB relationship?"

or "So would you like to hook up?"

I should just say "yes" and do the friends with benefits thing for a while in the hopes that he will get attached to me and eventually become open to a long term relationship? Because that has not panned out for me in the past-- if the guy tells me directly that he doesn't want a LTR, it stays a friends with benefits/ random text/ phone call once a month type of situation. I could see it happening with a 25 year old or someone who hasn't been living an adult life very long, hasn't completed school, has lots of student loan debt, that needs some time to mature and get their heads around commitment, but these men are older and a bit past that point in life.

I want to be honest with them about my long term goals because I will become very frustrated and unsatisfied with being a friend with benefits. I am pretty clear in my own mind that what I'm craving is the stability of having a partner in addition to sex. But I almost feel like rather than the default desire for middle aged adults, this is some sort of weird alternative lifestyle.

The armchair psychologist in me says that many men in their 40s and 50s, if they are available, are not looking for the same things that women of the same age are looking for.

I think it's a good thing that you want to be up front about what you want. Don't waste your time on anything less. 

That said, I do think that men in the age range you are looking at, who are looking for LTRs and are good, stand-up people, are in short supply. At least that seems to be the case in my city.

[freezorburn]

Dec 6, 2018 17:36:47 GMT -5 sakoro said:

Dec 6, 2018 16:41:39 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

I hear very similar stories from most of my friends who are in their 40s and 50s who are dating.

Maybe try a professional matchmaker instead of online dating?

Do you or your friends have a recommendation for a service?

A friend of mine is a matchmaker for Three Day Rule. I haven't used her services as I have no interest in dating at this time. It sounds like a very thorough process, and I think they may have people in your area.

[jigsy]

I feel like what you have experienced is just dating in 2018....errr...I guess now 2019. And you will have to talk to A LOT of people, and 99% of them will not be a fit, so its easy to get discouraged, but, you just got to do it.

I mostly wanted to comment because the Three Day Rule was mentioned. I signed up for the "free" service and that was all well and good. But at one point, they were advertising their Halloween party here in LA and they used a photo of a girl who was dressed as a "sexy" Native American with a guy dressed as a cowboy. I tweeted at them the cultural appropriation was a bad look, and their response was "We weren't trying to be disrespectful. We just grabbed a couple shots of some couple's costumes who had seemingly put a lot of effort into their costumes. We will try to be more PC with our future image choices."

That felt like a really immature response. And I can also picture the eye -roll that was happening from the person while they wrote "we will try to be more PC" - Not really a company I would want to support.

[MirkosMangle]

Dec 6, 2018 10:57:27 GMT -5 TheSeaward said:

Stop looking for a long term commitment and just date, it is about the numbers.

I think it's a great advice! If you go on the first day and straight start to imagine your life with this person in 10 years it will never work out. Go on the date, have some fun and you will see what's gonna happen. There is also a great app for mature people called flirtymature , did you try already thin one? You know that tinder and cupid are full of 18-20 yo.