Ummmm, so I got a bfp yesterday

[kellikans]

And I'm really struggling.

I'm sad that I'm not happy. I'm sad because I feel like I'm stealing away Leo's babyhood and making him a big brother too soon. After all it took to have him, I want to enjoy him longer as an only baby. I'm mad that I let this happen by stupidly not being on birth control and assuming it would never happen naturally. I have no idea how far along I am (I'm thinking anywhere from 6-8 weeks), and I'm terrified of having a newborn while having a 15 month old.

I'm supposed to go in tomorrow for confirmation. I don't know when they would do a dating ultrasound. And I'm worried what my OB is going to say since she basically told me not to get pregnant for at least a year due to the issues that I had with my placenta and the leftover scar tissue.

I feel so fucking irresponsible right now. And it's so weird to be on the other side and NOT wanting to be pregnant after all the struggles we went through. I wanted to wait until L was 2 before getting pregnant again. I am not ready for this.

Ugh. Thanks for letting me vent.

[kellikans]

Ugh, I realize that this sounds horrible in a place where so many of us have struggled and I'm sorry if it seems insensitive. That was not my intention at all. I guess I just needed to get this out somewhere since I can't really tell anyone IRL. I guess I'm just looking for hair pats and maybe anecdotes of having 2 so close together.

[icedcoffee]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. It's ok to feel conflicted right now and any decision or feelings you have right now are ok.

You'll be ok. A few of my friends have 2 so close together and while there were some moments it was difficult none of them regret it at all.

[pinkpeony08]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with this. I hope seeing your OB tomorrow helps you feel a little better about it. Just let yourself feel how you feel.

I will say that my kids having a sibling is really the best thing ever. My daughter cried this morning because she couldn't be with her brother - he stayed home sick. My son cried almost every day last year when his sister was at school because he couldn't be with her. The sibling relationship is amazing and not taking anything away from him at all. The sibling relationship is a huge part of why we want a third. Yes, it will be challenging at the beginning to have them so close in age, but it will also be amazing.

Hugs to you as you navigate this.

[scm1011]

Hugs. I agree that it's ok to feel conflicted. I'm sure it's a big shock and it's hard when plans you have change so suddenly. Take it one step at a time.

[starryfish]

Hey I understand you. We waited a while to really try after S was born bc I was not ready (I wasnt on BC tho), so if it had happened naturally I would be stressed like you. But know what? It will be OK....decision is up to you....but if you are worried about him being young, you still have 8 more months for him to grow and be your only baby.

BIG HUGS

[starryfish]

mpc paging her bc she had a surprise BFP and has her two DDs close together (i think 18m?)

[cactuscookie]

Hugs. A surprise pregnancy is a big mental adjustment. Heck, we were trying for but not expecting this pregnancy, and it still took a while to come to terms with it. Hopefully, with time, you'll get more comfortable with the idea.

[thoseareradishes]

Big hugs kellikans. I can imagine this is really scary for you and all your feelings are perfectly normal and okay.

[cherryvalance]

I'm sorry you're struggling. Lots of hugs. Whatever you feel is normal and okay.

If it helps, we started IVF 2 thinking it would take forever to get pregnant again, only to have it work the first cycle. DS will be 18 months when DD gets here. We were definitely shocked and I totally get your feelings of stealing the "only baby" experience. There are times I have a pang that DS will already be a big brother. On the bright side, we're already in baby mode, so nothing will be new or crazy to us, lol.

[woowoo]

kellikans, feel whatever you need to feel. I'm sure that was a shock after your previous journey. Let us know when you're ready for us all to give you a huge CONGRATS!

My sister and I are really close in age and she's everything to me. It will be hard but you've got this.

[ivy]

Big, big hugs kellikans. I think most of us can relate to the stress an unplanned pregnancy would cause, regardless of how much we struggled in the past. Your situation is very different now, and it's okay to feel how you feel. My current pregnancy was very much planned, but I struggle daily to come to terms with the fact that it's twins and not necessarily what I would've chosen for myself. I share only so you don't feel alone in not experiencing pure excitement. Good luck at your appointment, and I'll keep you, your H, and baby L in my thoughts.

[minionkevin]

I feel you. We started with treatments for #2 when #1 was 12.5m, thinking it would take awhile like it did with #1. Meanwhile it worked on the first try. I never thought I’d have 2u2. Then with #3, we got pregnant without treatments at all, and here I am 16w, when ordinarily we miiiight be just getting to the RE, or maybe even still waiting. So, come May I will have 3u5, nearly 6 years to the day from when my RE told me I had a 3% chance of having a baby.

[Mushe]

kellikans, it’s a lot to process! Please give yourself grace to feel what you feel. It’s a really bizarre position to be in. I didn’t share much at the time about these feelings, but I freaked out quite a bit when I found out I was pregnant with B, and the pregnancy was actually sticking. We had 100% not planned for this; I’d even missed an appointment to get an IUD because I was busy at work. I worried I was ruining DS’s life, because he’s older, so the opposite of your concern!

Please don’t worry he’ll miss babyhood. They will get to grow and do so much together!

[kellikans]

Thank you so much for the support. I'm still in a very weird place right now. I went in for bloodwork today and as soon as I saw my OB I burst in to tears. She said that it'll be okay, it's a lot to deal with after all the shit we've been through and she's here to support us. I really do love her. I'll get the results tomorrow and go from there.

[dollyllama]

I mostly lurk these days but didn't want to read & not reply with our experience. I feel awful for most everything I am about to write but I also want you to know you aren't alone. In our case, DS1 was the result of a 4th IUI that came after 5 miscarriages & 6 years of trying and I remember that your journey was really hard too. I got a positive pregnancy test when he was 10 months old, there was very little excitement.

I had been feeling OAD because I didn't want to do treatments again & was still nursing full time and never even got my period back. I cried off & on for a couple of weeks and literally threw the pregnancy test at DH to "announce" to him. Labs & ultrasounds came and went and we had a few weird situations come up but otherwise the pregnancy was going right along. Baby had no name, no room, & no bonding until he was born. Whether that was caused from the shock of the pregnancy or 2nd child syndrome, I don't know. I loved him right away but still didn't feel that connection for a while. My bond with DS2 was an evolution which was very opposite of DS1. I feel niether is right or wrong.

My little guys are now almost 15 months and nearing 3, they are 19 months apart. I'm mostly a SAHM and I won't lie and say it's easy. Initially I had to keep them sort of separate to insure the younger one lived through the pouncing of his older brother, then the little one got mobile which meant a different form of protection, now they fight over toys the majority of the day but they also love each other so much. All the chaos is worth it when DS2 climbs up and snuggles with DS1 for stories or they are in a world of their own cracking each other up in the backseat.

Give yourself time, as much as you need, and don't be afraid to feel how you feel. I cried alot because of feeling how unfair this was to DS1 and how scared I was of damaging him and I was mad that I "had no control" of yet another pregnancy. (I hope no one takes offense to that, I can't find another way to word it). My family & DH were excited so I took comfort in their excitement and just allowed myself to process it. It's funny but the biggest "ah ha" moment of bonding to the pregnancy was when I realized I was going to have another looooooong and eventful labor and birth. Something about it made me feel like "oh, this is my baby. It's just like it's brother."

Hugs & good luck. It was a mental, emotional, & physical rollercoaster for sure but I wouldn't change a thing now.

[kellikans]

Thank you so much for this, dollyllama.

[King26]

Im sure its tough. Im not on birth control either because im old and just feel like it wont happen so i get it. It qould be hard getting a surprise after struggling so much. You are allowed to feel however you want. (((Hugs)))

[shauni27]

Oh man, I am so sorry to hear that you feel so unhappy and conflicted and overwhelmed. I would feel the exact same way.

My parents found themselves, after years of IF and multiple losses, pregnant with my sister when I was only 4 months old. We are beyond close and I cannot imagine my life without her. BUT, I also feel like everyone is telling you it will be ok, and I hope it is not insensitive of me, but this is your body and if now is not a good time to have another kid, that is ok, and it is your right to make that decision if it is what you want. Nobody would judge you and it does not mean that you are a bad person or that you might not try to have another kid in another year or so.

I just wanted to put that out there in case you were feeling guilty or anything for even thinking that. Because you shouldn't, and if it is what works for you, it is 100% ok to make that decision. Hugs.

[scm1011]

ditto what shauni27 said!

[minionkevin]

Another ditto to shauni. More than a few times this pregnancy my DH - who is thrilled about #3, so it’s not like he’s trying to change my mind or influence me at all - has said he 100% supports me if I wanted to terminate and we are in agreement that in the event of significant fetal abnormalities, we would terminate. So don’t feel like this is something you have to go through, even if it is something in a different time or place you would want.

[kellikans]

shauni27, scm1011, minionkevin, thank you. I have definitely thought about it. I don't think DH would be on board, but thank you for validating that I'm not crazy for thinking about it. I've even told DH that I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't work out for whatever reason. It's just so hard to even THINK about terminating when a few years ago I would have given anything to be pregnant.

I got bloodwork results back. Hcg is 89,000. Nurse estimates I'm 7-ish weeks, but looking back on when I charted my periods, I guess what would have been my last normal period puts me at 9 weeks. I had what I thought was another period right on time after that, but it was just a week of spotting. But it was in-line with how my periods used to be (they were never heavy before I had L), so I just figured my body was getting back to normal. But I guess not. So that would make L 16 months when this one comes along.

I have an ultrasound on the 27th.

[minionkevin]

I should also add that my #2 was originally twins. I would have had 3u2. I... was not as disappointed as one might think when we went to an u/s at ~10w and there was only one baby. I was in a bad place mentally for several weeks between finding out I was pregnant at all, seeing 2 sacs, a week later 2 heartbeats, etc. So I truly, truly understand being torn about this. It is 100% normal, and I think a lot of people who find themselves pregnant unexpectedly after IF have some of these feelings, at some point.

[boiler717]

Hugs, this is all so hard. The unexpected just throws you for a loop. It’s okay to be sad, confused, angry.....whatever. It’s okay to decide it’s not the right time. I hope with whatever happened you and your DH have peace.

[mpc]

Dec 10, 2018 15:24:40 GMT -5 starryfish said:

mpc paging her bc she had a surprise BFP and has her two DDs close together (i think 18m?)

Yes, DD2 was a surprise and she is 17 months apart from DD1. I also have a DS who is 5. The baby is 2 months old right now (hence why it took me so long to see this, I don't get online much). I was truly on the fence about whether to try for another or not. I absolutely didn't want to go through fertility treatments and miscarriages again, so it should've seemed like a blessing for it to happen like it did. But it didn't feel that way, so I get it. I never worried about taking away my son's only child status, but suddenly I was racked with guilt at making DD1 a middle child. 

I'm still struggling. I have PPD, and in hindsight I think I had it pre-partum as well. People were always saying are you excited and all I could think was no, I know what's coming. I had some low spots right after birth of thinking this was a mistake and I'd ruined our little family. But I've learned not to trust anything I feel while under the influence of pregnancy hormones. They mess with you so much. What I can tell you is I do believe it will get better and it will be ok, great even. The family dynamics will change, but won't be ruined. Having two so close together is not as bad as I was anticipating. My H has done so much with DD1 while I can't, but we try to trade off when possible so I still get time with her. And once she's not such a wrecking ball around the baby, we won't have to separate them as much. The sibling bond is amazing to see, regardless of the age gap. I think the hardest thing about the baby right now is the fact that she's a newborn and still doesn't sleep. Her being the third child and so close in age to her sister are not as challenging. 

So I get all the feelings you are feeling. I'd like to give you a hug because god knows these are the times we need it. I'm not far enough down this road to tell you that everything is amazing on the other end, but I can say you will be ok. Your son, your family, they will be ok.