MOOK- help. Dss won't sleep in his room

[Bernadine]

For the past few months, dss has insisted on sleeping in our room. H pulls in his mattress, and he sleeps on that on the floor. I think there are some anxiety issues at play. He saw a therapist maybe 3 years ago, and it helped some. His mom was going to make an appointment again, but dss said he doesn't want to go, so she's not forcing him.

Any suggestions for making him feel more comfortable in his room? He's 10, he'll be 11 in May. He's vague when asked why he won't sleep in his room. He's at our house every other weekend.

[cleo29]

We had this issue with C, who also has anxiety. I gave her a firm deadline on when this would no longer be an option. i let her sleep with lights on in her room, if that is what she needs, and walk her back to bed and sometimes sit there for a few minutes to get her settled.

I was pretty much the same as a kid so i can empathize with my daughter, but I also want to help her learn to feel safe and secure in her own room, in her own bed.

In terms of therapist, is it perhaps the therapist he was seeing that he is opposed to?

[meowmaps]

I don't have experience with this yet as a parent but I slept in my parents' room a lot as a child.

I think what helped me was a nightlight and having a sleeping companion like our cat or dog. For me, it was about not wanting to be alone.

[kath16]

I feel for him, but this is not sustainable.

First, I'd stop making him so comfortable in your room. Once you set that boundary, maybe he will open up more about his reasons for not wanting to be in his room.

To me, he doesn't want to go therapy because he's getting what he wants -- for you and your H to bend over backwards to make him comfortable. So, why would he want to go therapy? He doesn't need it because he's comfortable.

This sounds a lot harsher than I intended to. I hope it makes sense.

[Bernadine]

Dec 31, 2018 8:23:47 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

By age 10, you can explain to him that his choices are to either figure out how to get back into his own room. or go to therapy, but that refusing help and not making changes isn’t ok. Keep the lines of communication open as they have been, keep asking what you can do to help him feel more comfortable, but also you don’t have to do this forever.

Is he doing it at his mom’s house too, or just yours?

Just ours.

He mentioned that he has more light and s humidifier at his mom's, which we can, and will, get for his room here.

I did read something online about 10-15 minute check ins in his room, after he lays down.

H and I need to discuss more.

[Bernadine]

And also, I'm not sure we can give him the ultimatum. I don't know if his mom would follow through.

[Deleted]

Dec 31, 2018 8:42:58 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

And also, I'm not sure we can give him the ultimatum. I don't know if his mom would follow through.

If not an ultimatum, you can set your own boundaries and tell him that it's a new year tomorrow and that behavior stops tonight.

[kath16]

I wouldn't do the ultimatum because co-parenting is virtually impossible to do things like that

And, honestly, I wouldn't care where he sleeps at his Mom's house. It doesn't work for you and your household. Let's go pick out a light together and I'll see you in the morning. Hopefully that will lend itself to more discussion about "why"

[CloudBee]

I agree with not making him so comfortable in there. My eyes bulged out of my head when I read that your husband drags a mattress into your room. No kid needs a mattress on the floor next to their parent's bed unless they are truly a co-sleeping family and share the bedroom. That accommodation has made the setup too appealing. My 5 year old DS would LOVE to sleep with us every night. If we went out of our way to drag half of his bed into our room just once, I know the fight to stay in our room would literally last years.

I would try to figure out what's triggered this need. Does he need more physical touch? Is he not getting enough time with his dad? My 5 year old has spent a lot of time away from dad off and on over the last week due to a family medical emergency. Yesterday DH made a strong point to sit DS on his lap when watching TV together, and to literally sit glued to him on the couch when working on Legos. Lots of extra hugs and time spend laying next to each other reading. It seems to have helped reset DS's need for physical (and on some level, emotional) contact with DH. This morning when DH left for work DS finally didn't cry or flip out. It's amazing what even 5 minutes of intentional snuggling or close 1 on 1 time can do.

I would push back slightly at home, see if there's some other form of closeness you can offer in lieu of sharing a bedroom, and then talk to him about therapy.

Can you add more visitation so he sees his dad more often?

[readyin07]

My first thing is you need to ask him what he thinks he needs to make sleeping in his own room a workable thing. Give him that and go from there.

If it is anxiety related it is probably not going to be an overnight thing. That's like telling a kid on the spectrum not to stim. You have to figure out work arounds which is why I think that if you need a therapist if he has had to see one before due to anxiety or other issues.

And I would just tell him that is not up for debate. His mom doesn't have to be on board, can't you take him on your days?

[kath16]

Dec 31, 2018 9:29:46 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

My first thing is you need to ask him what he thinks he needs to make sleeping in his own room a workable thing. Give him that and go from there.

If it is anxiety related it is probably not going to be an overnight thing. That's like telling a kid on the spectrum not to stim. You have to figure out work arounds which is why I think that if you need a therapist if he has had to see one before due to anxiety or other issues.

And I would just tell him that is not up for debate. His mom doesn't have to be on board, can't you take him on your days?

it's generally not that easy to do this, depending on custody situations, insurance, sign offs, etc.

[Bernadine]

Dec 31, 2018 9:29:46 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

My first thing is you need to ask him what he thinks he needs to make sleeping in his own room a workable thing. Give him that and go from there.

If it is anxiety related it is probably not going to be an overnight thing. That's like telling a kid on the spectrum not to stim. You have to figure out work arounds which is why I think that if you need a therapist if he has had to see one before due to anxiety or other issues.

And I would just tell him that is not up for debate. His mom doesn't have to be on board, can't you take him on your days?

Yes, we could. Idk what his mother's reaction to that might be, but I know dss has to come first.

[cjcouple]

Yes, get some comfort items (lights, stuffed animal, white noise maybe) and work on it in his room.

My son was a bit younger (I want to say 8ish) but I did "check ins". We sat with him for a while and then I would say I was running to bathroom and be right back. I stalled in bathroom a bit. lol. After a few times, Id say I had something to do and would check on him in 3 mins. Then I would literally sit in hall (or in my room) for 3 mins and check in. then do it again until he was asleep. I did 3 mins for a few days and then bumped it out farther to 4 and 5, 6 etc. By the time we got to about 10 mins. He was fine and there were no more issues. It's a bit of a long process but my son is a very high anxiety child so this was just another challenge we had to work through. It worked but probably took a few weeks to really get him settled.

[minty]

When I was 10 my parents split up and I would get terrible anxiety at night. I would lie in my bed with my stomach in knots crying suffering this irrational fear. I never told my parents about it- I couldn’t explain it if I wanted to. The only thing that turned it off was crawling in my mom or sister’s bed.
Can you or DH offer to sit in his room to until he falls asleep? I agree dragging the mattress in seems like a lot, but maybe just a blanket on the floor? For whatever reason, he’s looking for comfort. Try to figure out the best way to give it to him, it won’t last forever.