Better Words for Shy

[kath16]

My oldest is really reserved. It just takes him a little while to warm up to people. I have no issue with this - it's part of his personality and it's not a negative thing as long as he's being polite (he's 3 so we're working on that). 

However, it drives me bonkers when people at church or something try to say hi and when he doesn't enthusiastically respond they say something along the lines of "what are you, SHY?" or "Can't I get a high five??? I got one from your brother!?!?!??" and they act offended that my preschooler isn't validating them. (My younger kid is very outgoing.)

Does anyone have ideas of some better language I can use? I try not to apologize or use shy in a negative way. By that I mean, I specifically try not to say something like "i'm sorry, he's just shy and we're trying" because... we're not. 

So, two questions:

1 - How should I encourage my kid to be polite without making him extremely uncomfortable? Like, how hard should I push him to say hello to a grown up that we know and like?

2 - How do I change the language around his personality to not be so... negative? Shy apparently has a negative connotation. As much as I try to stand up for him and say something along the lines of "it just takes him some time to warm up", but that sometimes seems to be a cue for people to get MORE in his face? 

People are dumb. I don't know how to balance their dumbness with my kid needing to learn to at least be polite. 

[ECB]

My reaction - screw them. Not helpful, I know.

Does he respond? Does he say "hi" even if it's mumbled, perhaps he's looking down? If so - then I wouldn't push him past that. To the adults in the situation, I'd say "It takes him time to warm up so just give him some space. Thank you". If they actually push past that, keep trying, I'd more firmly say "Please don't make him anymore uncomfortable. As I said, please give him his space.".

I don't know if there is a better word than shy. I was going to say "introvert", but really- I think the overall personality of being quiet/shy, regardless of the words associated with it, is seen by some people as negative. For people who are pushy about it - I don't think a different word is going to make them act differently.

[kath16]

Jan 16, 2019 8:39:54 GMT -5 ECB said:

My reaction - screw them. Not helpful, I know.

Does he respond? Does he say "hi" even if it's mumbled, perhaps he's looking down? If so - then I wouldn't push him past that. To the adults in the situation, I'd say "It takes him time to warm up so just give him some space. Thank you". If they actually push past that, keep trying, I'd more firmly say "Please don't make him anymore uncomfortable. As I said, please give him his space.".

I don't know if there is a better word than shy. I was going to say "introvert", but really- I think the overall personality of being quiet/shy, regardless of the words associated with it, is seen by some people as negative. For people who are pushy about it - I don't think a different word is going to make them act differently.

sometimes. he makes eye contact, but doesn't always say hi. we try to be upbeat about encouraging him to say hello but it's a balance between doing that and NOT encouraging the other person to join in "YOU DON'T HAVE A HELLO FOR ME" No, Frank. Back off.

[raangoli]

I was going to say everything that ECB said. The only other word I would use is reserved, which you did. There is nothing wrong with taking time to warm up or to take stock of your surroundings (I say that as an adult who still does this).

[icedcoffee]

I'm in the same boat. I don't really have an answer. I usually say something like "It takes DS a few minutes to warm up. Just give him a few minutes". I really hate when people get in his face. My kid generally needs to stare at the room/event/situation for about 5 minutes before joining in. I wish people would just respect it and let him be. Old people are the worst with this.

Shockingly, it was daycare that pointed it out even to me and they tell the other kids "Leave him alone. He's still warming up" when he shows up at daycare. They basically ignore him for about 5 minutes while he does his thing.

[joy]

I agree a lot with ECB. If he even mumbles a hello, then leave it be. Ask other adults to leave it be, as well, after an acknowledgment.

For what it’s worth, I grew up “shy.” My parents, my teachers, etc would all comment on my shyness. I can only tell you about me and my personality, but it didn’t really bother me to be called as such. It bothered my mom - I could tell. But, I knew I was shy and I also knew that I wasn’t going change. I was being who I was and learning to navigate social situations at my own pace. Some of that was learning to respond beyond my comfort but some of it was also realizing that I wasn’t built like others and we all had our quirks.

[kath16]

Jan 16, 2019 8:47:02 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I'm in the same boat. I don't really have an answer. I usually say something like "It takes DS a few minutes to warm up. Just give him a few minutes". I really hate when people get in his face. My kid generally needs to stare at the room/event/situation for about 5 minutes before joining in. I wish people would just respect it and let him be. Old people are the worst with this.

Shockingly, it was daycare that pointed it out even to me and they tell the other kids "Leave him alone. He's still warming up" when he shows up at daycare. They basically ignore him for about 5 minutes while he does his thing.

yes, absolutely the biggest issue is with The Olds.

he does great at daycare (two years with the same group of teachers and friends) and even in like, his Sunday School room at church. It's just the random people encounters - like, if I or my H stop to say hi to someone at the store, or if we see extended family for the first time in a while. 

Yelling "BACK OFF" probably isn't the most appropriate thing to do here but it's what I want to do.

[scm1011]

Jan 16, 2019 8:47:02 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I'm in the same boat. I don't really have an answer. I usually say something like "It takes DS a few minutes to warm up. Just give him a few minutes". I really hate when people get in his face. My kid generally needs to stare at the room/event/situation for about 5 minutes before joining in. I wish people would just respect it and let him be. Old people are the worst with this.

Shockingly, it was daycare that pointed it out even to me and they tell the other kids "Leave him alone. He's still warming up" when he shows up at daycare. They basically ignore him for about 5 minutes while he does his thing.

This is my kid exactly. 

I struggle with this a bit because sometimes my DS is so dismissive of others it comes off as mean. His bestie will get all excited to see him and run up and get 2" from his face and be all "HI CALVIN!!" and Cal will push him away with a "NO!". Which is obviously not okay, but I struggle between giving him his need for space and not allowing him to be being rude. 

[kath16]

Jan 16, 2019 8:48:18 GMT -5 joy said:

I agree a lot with ECB . If he even mumbles a hello, then leave it be. Ask other adults to leave it be, as well, after an acknowledgment.

For what it’s worth, I grew up “shy.” My parents, my teachers, etc would all comment on my shyness. I can only tell you about me and my personality, but it didn’t really bother me to be called as such. It bothered my mom - I could tell. But, I knew I was shy and I also knew that I wasn’t going change. I was being who I was and learning to navigate social situations at my own pace. Some of that was learning to respond beyond my comfort but some of it was also realizing that I wasn’t built like others and we all had our quirks.

thanks for this.

I just really don't want him to grow up thinking there's anything wrong with being shy. There isn't! I'm shy now as an adult. It just doesn't help that his little brother is already Mr. Personality and seems to get a lot of extra attention for it.

Maybe it bothers me more than him.

[icedcoffee]

Jan 16, 2019 8:52:51 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

Jan 16, 2019 8:47:02 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I'm in the same boat. I don't really have an answer. I usually say something like "It takes DS a few minutes to warm up. Just give him a few minutes". I really hate when people get in his face. My kid generally needs to stare at the room/event/situation for about 5 minutes before joining in. I wish people would just respect it and let him be. Old people are the worst with this.

Shockingly, it was daycare that pointed it out even to me and they tell the other kids "Leave him alone. He's still warming up" when he shows up at daycare. They basically ignore him for about 5 minutes while he does his thing.

This is my kid exactly. 

I struggle with this a bit because sometimes my DS is so dismissive of others it comes off as mean. His bestie will get all excited to see him and run up and get 2" from his face and be all "HI CALVIN!!" and Cal will push him away with a "NO!". Which is obviously not okay, but I struggle between giving him his need for space and not allowing him to be being rude. 

Yeah--it can be hard, but those kids also need to learn not to attack others as they walk into a room.  LOL

[joy]

Jan 16, 2019 8:53:46 GMT -5 kath16 said:

Jan 16, 2019 8:48:18 GMT -5 joy said:

I agree a lot with ECB . If he even mumbles a hello, then leave it be. Ask other adults to leave it be, as well, after an acknowledgment.

For what it’s worth, I grew up “shy.” My parents, my teachers, etc would all comment on my shyness. I can only tell you about me and my personality, but it didn’t really bother me to be called as such. It bothered my mom - I could tell. But, I knew I was shy and I also knew that I wasn’t going change. I was being who I was and learning to navigate social situations at my own pace. Some of that was learning to respond beyond my comfort but some of it was also realizing that I wasn’t built like others and we all had our quirks.

thanks for this.

I just really don't want him to grow up thinking there's anything wrong with being shy. There isn't! I'm shy now as an adult. It just doesn't help that his little brother is already Mr. Personality and seems to get a lot of extra attention for it.

Maybe it bothers me more than him.

[

It was odd - my mom would tell me that being shy was negative but deep down I couldn’t understand why. I never verbalized this back to her but I remember thinking “okay, mom - but this feels normal to me so I’m going to keep on being me.”

As I grew, I obviously matured and part of the shyness subsided. But, even as an adult, I stay quiet and get the lay of the land before diving in. I am stressed by attention before I’m ready so I was never jealous of those who got a ton right off the bat or otherwise.

I would bet that this bothers you more than him.

People will try to encourage him to talk because talking does have its place! Your son needs to know that some people will find his not talking odd. He also needs to know that his way is okay, too. Learnjng both sides is how he’ll adjust socially and balance his personality with others. It’s all good.

[aspentosh]

I was a shy kid (my mom, too) so I never took it as a negative. There are negative aspects to it now- hard for me to make friends, I feel awkward in crowds- but as a shy introvert, it is what it is

DD went through this phase HARD CORE around 3y. Like, she wouldn't touch a single man in our lives besides H. No hi fives, no fist bumps, nothing. She barely acknowledged them! We just said what you did- that she takes time to warm up and please give her space. I would generally request that she say hi at least, especially if we knew them, but wouldn't push for more than that.

Now, at almost 7y, she is one of the most extroverted kids I know. So now we're dealing with the other aspect of wanting to talk talk talk and explaining that not all kids want that. Fun stuff

But really, I'd KOKO with what you're doing. No pushing for anything except maybe a hi. Eye contact (maybe even with a smile) is still great for a shy person. Ask me how I know! lol

[pinkpeony08]

I try to encourage my kids to greet and say goodbye to people even when they are feeling shy - but they have a choice to: say hello/goodbye, wave, give a high 5, or a hug (if it's socially appropriate). I feel like learning acknowledging people is important, but not to do something they don't feel comfortable doing. I don't force eye contact with any of it if they aren't feeling comfortable with it.

I also use the language that "he takes awhile to warm up" or "sometimes he's quiet when he's in a new place/with new people."

But ugh yes, people drive me crazy.

[abs]

Ugh I hate this. DD is 8 and it still takes awhile for her to warm up. I would in no way call her shy or even reserved. She is absolutely an observer though and wants to take stock of her surroundings before she feels comfortable. She has always been that way and it hasn't changed over the years. Really I have no problem with it and I hate it when adults make her feel bad for not engaging in conversation right away.

We've had a lot of conversations over the years about not being rude but also how it is totally okay to not respond if you aren't comfortable. For adults that we know and trust I do expect her to at least say hi and be polite. For strangers that talk to her? Whatever. Ignore away and I make no apologies. I don't make apologies for her needing time to warm up, too. Most adults that we interact with know this anyways. If they get offended then eh. That is their problem. Not wanting to engage in a conversation when you aren't comfortable because you don't know the adult very well is not a personality defect.

So that was the long answer. Short answer? I would push him to at least say hi or wave or smile or whatever he is comfortable with but that is it. Respect his needs.

[redheadk]

My dd was similar at that age. I generally described her as reserved. If it was someone who had any business knowing (teachers, camp counselors, etc), I’d tell them that dd liked to observe and get the lay of the land for a bit before jumping in but that she’s be very social once she did.

Regarding greetings, I taught her to wave to people if she didn’t feel comfortable speaking. That satisfied everyone and most people would let her be and back off.

ETA: while she will warm up, she IS a more reserved kid in general, so I don’t mind that label. There’s nothing wrong with being reserved.

[NomadicMama]

I saw this on the “Recent Threads” list, I hope you don’t mind me chiming in.

My son is reluctant to interact with people he doesn’t know. Instead of shy, I tell people he’s bashful. It means nearly the same thing, but people react differently to it. It seems some folks want to “talk” the shy out of a kid, but they find bashful more endearing. Regardless, if my son isn’t comfortable, forcing him is only going to make things worse (even at nine and a half).

[icedcoffee]

I hate that some people think it's a negative. Isn't reading the room before interacting a positive? I hope my kid always reads the room first.

[mbcdefg]

Mine is 1.5 and we get this a lot from people ... DD needs a few minutes to acclimate to a new situation before she gets friendly and smiles and plays. People don't seem to realize that such a tiny little person is going to be intimidated by a bunch of large, strange adults getting RightInHerFace the second we walk in the door and demanding kisses and high fives and words and for her to let them pick her up. And then getting a little huffy when she doesn't react well right away. GIVE HER A MINUTE, for Pete's sake.

I just say "She needs a few minutes to warm up" and leave it at that. Or "Just let her get used to the room and we'll try again in a few minutes to see if she wants to play/be held/etc." She usually warms up to people she already knows - with strangers it takes longer (if at all) ... unless there's another kid or a dog in the mix to break the ice, lol.

It's kind of a drag because DD has such a fun little personality when she's at home with us, but she clams up right away in new surroundings. I like to show her off and it's a bummer when we go someplace and she's got a sour look on her face. But ultimately my kid isn't other people's entertainment, so I'm not going to make her perform just because another adult can't take a hint.

And, yeah, I'm also struggling with the balance between "You should be polite to adults and respond when someone's talking to you, especially those who have always been nice to our family" versus teaching her that her body is hers and she shouldn't feel forced to do something that makes her uncomfortable. I'm trying to find the line between Body Autonomy and Rudeness. 

[lucybrown]

Also, I was a shy/reserved kid in a family of very extroverted people. I still feel like my introversion is a disappointment to my mom. It sucks, but I've learned to let it go.

[VillainV]

Also, FYI, being shy and being an introvert are two completely different things. Neither are negative. Some people are both. I am an outgoing introvert. My son is a shy extrovert.

I don’t have any better suggestions for how to deal with a reserved child. I don’t make C greet people he doesn’t want to. Most adults seem to understand that it takes kids a while to warm up to new people. I think it’s fine to explain that your child needs some time to get to know new people.

[JRo]

Ugh this drives me insane. I am an introvert, and my DD is like this as well. I was labeled "shy" growing up, and while it was nice to have a sort of cover for my personality, I definitely didn't see "shy" as a positive trait.

My ILs are some of the worst offenders for getting in her face when she is not ready. We have repeatedly tried the "she needs a minute to warm up" thing, but they do not relent. They really just do not get it. What I've been doing lately is saying, "She's an introvert like her mama" and just holding her close to me smiling, walking away if necessary. I mostly just don't want DD to think there is something wrong with her if she isn't immediately ready to interact with people, so that's my way of reassuring her that it's okay. I don't really care what others think, I just don't want her to feel shamed for that behavior.

[boiler717]

I tell adults “T is really great at observing new situations before jumping in. I bet he will he ready to play with you soon, once he takes in this new situation.”
I don’t make him say hi/bye, I just model.

[loira]

DD is 3 and I don't make her say hello yet. Like boiler717 I just model. I will probably tell her "it's polite to say hello" when she gets older.

I always tell people she's not shy. I want her to hear me say it every time. Depending on who the person is and how in her face they get I have been known to add "she doesn't like strange people who invade her personal space. Would you?" But... I am bitchy and I don't care.

[gastro]

I was “shy” as a child. I actually had SM and it was torture because I wanted to say hi and interact and I could picture saying it in my head but the words would just not come out of my mouth. Physically unable.
When I was in elementary school I did some drama classes which was fanatastic because when I was “someone else” I didn’t have the same issues.
Kids were way easier to deal with than adults. If I didn’t say hi back or engage with words kids just moved on, adults would insist on asking questions over and over or just wait till I would speak.
I would be his strong advocate - speak up the minute it happens. “ He needs some time to warm up, please give him space for now,” “ Our family believes our son should not be forced to high five or hug - if he wants to he will come find you and give you a high five then.”

[preppy]

My older DD is like this and I generally tell people she needs a little space while she warms up. She is getting better at articulating this and with her friends at daycare she will tell them at drop off that she "needs a little space" but generally isn't comfortable with unknown adults to tell them this. She turned 3 in September.

[madringal]

My oldest is almost 11 and people think she is shy and she gets lots of similar comments. I always tell them that she isn't shy, she just has a quiet spirit. Just because she doesn't have this loud, outgoing spirit, doesn't mean she is shy. She is very adventurous, she not afraid of public speaking, performs by herself regularly in talent shows, and is a leader at her school. She has always done best in classes where her teachers are quick to pick up on that, and sadly its mostly the male teachers that "get her". DH and most of the men in his family are engineers, and I bet she will be one too. They just have their own kind of personality.

Meanwhile my 7 year old does have a very loud, outgoing personality, but if you tried to get her to stand in front of people (even family) and sing a song, she would die of nerves.

[nessness]

I think around 3.5 I started teaching DD1 that if someone she knows says hi she needs to look at them and say hi back (I don't make her say hi to strangers). I consider that basic manners. Positive reinforcement works well for her in this area - like she'll get really excited about it and tell me "Ms. Karen said 'have a nice day' and I said 'have a nice day too!'" and I'll praise her for being polite.

I don't make her engage with adults beyond basic politeness though, and if someone pushes her I use similar language as PPs - e.g. saying that she takes a while to warm up to people. And I don't make her give anyone physical affection if she doesn't want to, and will tell people that.

[vmars]

I would just say, “say hi to x” if he doesn’t I would say “he will warm up, but you have to give him a little space” if you think they will be pushy. My son isn’t shy but he doesn’t always say hi back to adults or acts shy when he first walks in a room or meets someone. I tell him to say hi back but I don’t force him. He’s 5.

[moonriver]

Jan 16, 2019 10:45:16 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

I tell adults “T is really great at observing new situations before jumping in. I bet he will he ready to play with you soon, once he takes in this new situation.”
I don’t make him say hi/bye, I just model.

I love this! Instead of making it something negative you are completely turning it into a positive. Awesome for your kiddo to hear you complimenting him instead of him feeling like he’s doing something wrong by being “shy.”

I also don’t make my child say hi/bye. I might ask him “do you want to say hello to Linda?” If not I just say “okay, maybe next time.”

[pittpurple]

My daughter is really reserved and takes a while to warm up to new situations... if ever. My son is more likely to warm up eventually but neither are the run up and play with strangers at the playground sort of kids. We live overseas, so they can take a while to warm up to even family members visiting in their own home and any sort of chaotic / crowded / loud situation can take a while to be okay.

I have found descriptions of highly sensitive children to help me understand my daughter - she really does get overwhelmed easily and hates, hates, hates surprises. Once she knows what to expect and knows what is happening it's easier - but shocks to the system take her a while. I have found I have to really be her advocate at times she is unable to do it. And honestly, pushing her just makes it all harder. We did try for a while 'making' her say hi but then it turned into battles and everyone got stressed and it went on for what felt like forever. If we just keep moving on with the conversation and redirecting to us, sometimes she'll join in eventually.

I really did have to readjust my expectations and keep remembering that my kids aren't here to make other people happy. It can be really hard, particularly with family who are all excited to see them to be greeted by 2 grumpy faces. But it does seem to help to let them warm up in their own time instead of forcing it.