A couple of years ago, I became good friends with 3 other moms who had sons born within weeks of my DS. We always had play dates, went out for drinks, and we had a group text where we talked a lot. One of the moms moved last summer & it broke up the group and then with different preschool schedules and a new baby being born, we didn’t see eachother as frequently but still talked all the time.
One of the moms in particular, we’ll call her M, was kind of a taker. Once her son had a fever & she sent us a text in the group chat asking us to order lunch for them because her son was sick. Her husband was at work so she asked for his food to be delivered to his office. She regularly asked us to watch her kids but didn’t reciprocate. When she had her baby last summer, she had a meal train set up for her and I made and brought them dinner while I was the in the middle of first tri hell. I offered to pick up groceries for her, regularly checked in on her, sent flowers to her, brought a cupcake to her on her bday (which she actually asked me to drop off at a different time because the time I suggested was inconvenient due to her kids being awake and her possibly having to share it with them and then she completely forgot to even wish me a happy birthday, but I digress). And then there was the time that we wanted to have a little celebration for her third baby, by taking her to brunch, and she turned it into a full baby shower by asking us to invite a bunch of other people complete with invitations and such.
Anyhow, I had my daughter 6 weeks ago and she literally has not once bothered to ask how she’s doing or how I’m doing. She will update us on her life and talks about herself but that’s it. Didn’t even offer to come by with coffee, let alone a meal (which is fine, I don’t expect people to bring meals, it’s just the point that she takes from people). I’m guessing this is why she doesn’t really have many friends but I’m PISSED. I feel used & like it was a friendship of convenience for her to get things from. I’m practically sitting on my hands to not tell her what I really think of her, hence the vent here. The super irritating part is that I don’t think she realizes I’m pissed- this is her personality and I don’t think she even realizes that she’s a horrible friend.
Post by vanillacourage on Feb 17, 2019 14:02:57 GMT -5
I would be done with her. Friendships evolve, it’s ok to say that what used to work for you doesn’t anymore. It doesn’t sound like she has enough self-awareness to make it worth it to talk to her about it so I wouldn’t waste that energy.
She sounds exhausting. I’ve had people like this in my life and I think it’s perfectly acceptable to back away from the friendship. I might not start out offering up my reasons, but if she were to ask, I would probably tell her why.
I expect reciprocity in my relationships. I try for middle ground, so while I no longer advise just dropping people I think if you can dial it back to where you are comfortable. Just FYI, people like that end up making so little effort that it ends anyway.
Yes, I’m pretty much done with her. I would just love to tell her what a user she is but I won’t waste my time and energy. It’s just angering but not worth the mental space she’s taking up.
Yes, I’m pretty much done with her. I would just love to tell her what a user she is but I won’t waste my time and energy. It’s just angering but not worth the mental space she’s taking up.
I’d drop her and if she ever asks why, I’d be frank.
We had to do this with a friend once and ended up bluntly telling her that she was taking too much and not giving anything back. It was similar (although not child related) behavior to what you are describing here and we just had enough.
also, can we circle back to when her son had a fever so she asked you guys to get them lunch but deliver it to her husband's office. i don't get this for many reasons.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Feb 17, 2019 14:57:36 GMT -5
Shes been showing you who she is all along. I don't have friends like this because my bullshitometer is properly calibrated and I would have bowed out at being told to buy her delivery food.
Personally, I'd ghost her and expect she wouldn't notice. She will probably contact you when she wants something and then you can do a quick, curt rebuff along the lines of, "I can't make time for people who just use me like a free resource."
also, can we circle back to when her son had a fever so she asked you guys to get them lunch but deliver it to her husband's office. i don't get this for many reasons.
She asked for them to get and deliver lunch to them. Her husband was working, so she wanted his lunch delivered to him at work and non friend wanted hers and her kids' lunches to her house.
also, can we circle back to when her son had a fever so she asked you guys to get them lunch but deliver it to her husband's office. i don't get this for many reasons.
She asked for them to get and deliver lunch to them. Her husband was working, so she wanted his lunch delivered to him at work and non friend wanted hers and her kids' lunches to her house.
so two deliveries? and why the hell would the husband need it?
She asked for them to get and deliver lunch to them. Her husband was working, so she wanted his lunch delivered to him at work and non friend wanted hers and her kids' lunches to her house.
so two deliveries? and why the hell would the husband need it?
Yep. It was weird and right at the beginning of our friendship. Myself and another friend split the lunch delivery and then she asked the other friend to order them Thai delivery for dinner.
so two deliveries? and why the hell would the husband need it?
Yep. It was weird and right at the beginning of our friendship. Myself and another friend split the lunch delivery and then she asked the other friend to order them Thai delivery for dinner.
i hope no one did the call for the dinner. she has a phone, clearly, let her fucking use it. jesus, no wonder this woman pulls this shit.
just tell her no or cut her out and walk away. she sounds insufferable.
If you tried to approach her about it, she’d probably make it your fault. Like, You didn’t ask, so I assumed you didn’t want any help!” I wouldn’t bother with the frustration of the conversation. Buy your favorite takeout and have a glass of wine tonight, and toast to a future with more generous friends!
Yes, I’m pretty much done with her. I would just love to tell her what a user she is but I won’t waste my time and energy. It’s just angering but not worth the mental space she’s taking up.
I’d drop her and if she ever asks why, I’d be frank.
We had to do this with a friend once and ended up bluntly telling her that she was taking too much and not giving anything back. It was similar (although not child related) behavior to what you are describing here and we just had enough.
I’d drop her and if she ever asks why, I’d be frank.
We had to do this with a friend once and ended up bluntly telling her that she was taking too much and not giving anything back. It was similar (although not child related) behavior to what you are describing here and we just had enough.
What was her response?
She sort of apologized and half tried to deflect. We haven’t seen her since.
Please tell me that you all at least had another group chat with the other moms to discuss how insane her delivery requests were.
Lol we totally did after we realized how ridiculous it was
Why in the world did you even stay friends with her after that? You had me scratching my head at that part right from the beginning.
I’m sorry she sucks. Congrats on your baby! I know how hard the early post partem period is and it sucks when you realize some friends aren’t really friends after all. Just forget about her, don’t ever offer to help her again and focus on the friend who actually do care about you.