My kids are at the tail-end of a week-long break from school. So they had Christmas break until the beginning of Jan, long weekend in Jan, and a week off in Feb. they have another week + off in April. It’s stupid. I’d rather they get one block of time in March - maybe a week, then a longer summer break? But this is silly.
Also, have been arguing with DD1 about her diet and it’s exhausting. It’s mostly exhausting because we argue about everything else, too. She eats nothing but carbs and cheese, and is missing that shut off switch that tells her she’s full. If I don’t monitor, she will literally eat until she is sick. But I’m the bad guy when I tell her to stop. I’m hoping things sink in, and that I’m not causing a disorder (in either direction).
Actually this isn't unpopular, I don't think. But in terms of school, the half days drive me crazy. We have aftercare that provides care for full day students. But it doesn't open until the half day is over. Since Kindergarten in my district is half day, then they alternate who goes to which half day. The next one is March 5th and AM K attends, but DD is in PM K. So basically I have no childcare for her until 11:30 am when aftercare opens (school goes 8:45-12 on half days). And both kids don't really care for half day aftercare. They like the full day aftercare because the plan activities, but the half day aftercare they basically just eat lunch and watch a movie, and it is boring. So what I take all the days off that they have half days? Only the ones where DD doesn't attend? Drop her off at 11:30 then head to work to get there at noon? So many bad options. I am sure the teachers love the half days though hence why it is an UO with them anyway.
Any time someone says they don’t have time for something, they really mean they aren’t prioritizing that item. And that’s okay, but I get super irritated with the people who are so insistent that they are “too busy”. Most of the time when this gets me, they work minimally or not at all and have only school age kids. I really need to have a response printed “I work 50 hours a week, have three kids (one of whom is currently a medical trainwreck), a husband who is either out of town or at work, am responsible for my mom, work out 3-5 days a week and manage to have a social life. I am not sympathetic to your busy tales of woe. I think what you really mean is you haven’t prioritized something but for some reason you are incapable of just saying that. Work on being secure in yourself and your choices or find someone else with whom to discuss this. Kthanksbye.”
Any time someone says they don’t have time for something, they really mean they aren’t prioritizing that item. And that’s okay, but I get super irritated with the people who are so insistent that they are “too busy”. Most of the time when this gets me, they work minimally or not at all and have only school age kids. I really need to have a response printed “I work 50 hours a week, have three kids (one of whom is currently a medical trainwreck), a husband who is either out of town or at work, am responsible for my mom, work out 3-5 days a week and manage to have a social life. I am not sympathetic to your busy tales of woe. I think what you really mean is you haven’t prioritized something but for some reason you are incapable of just saying that. Work on being secure in yourself and your choices or find someone else with whom to discuss this. Kthanksbye.”
Eh I’m probably one of the people you’re talking about. I can certainly work on my prioritization and time management. But I also have no desire to have 100% of my time scheduled. Combo of introverted nature and anxiety that seems to be ramping up despite trying several methods to reduce it (chemical and otherwise).
Link with no sleep causing a near inability to focus and I am a hot mess. I have never been so exhausted as I have been in recent months. Every day feels like a battle that I cannot face. On every front.
So certainly some question of choices and prioritizing, but I’d dare say that there are other factors.
2chatter, I tend to agree with you. My grandparents who are retired and "too busy" to see me or my kids. That's not true we are not a priority to them and they would rather I come to them instead. If I come to them I have to pack up two kids and all of the baby stuff, plus deal with a crabby baby who won't sleep. Then I don't get my meal prep or laundry done because my weekend is at their house. They are just a little too far away for a day trip. 2.5 hours is a little too far for me.
UO: People who don't have kids or any sort of life outside of work do not get to lecture people on life style choices. Coming from a coworker today who told me he never buys frozen veggies and just chops up his fresh ones every day... Single and no kids. Sorry I am cooking for at least 4 sometimes 6 and I need those extra 15 min.
2chatter, you sound like you are right out of the podcast I listen to. It's all about priorities. I don't think I am too busy because I like to get out of the house on the weekends rather than watch DH do stupid house projects. But I do complain about my schedule as in it is ever revolving and I have to review it 8 million times to make sure I am getting where I need to go, but I have an idea of my limits and dump things weekly as something I just can't fit in. Sometimes it is non-essential work meetings think networking, learning type. Sometimes it is a dentist appointment that will need to be re-scheduled another time, but since it was a polar vortex and I had a kid sick with bronchitis, then it was just not happening this week.
mae0111, I don't like having my time scheduled 100% either, so I like to have lots of breaks in my schedule. For example, we only have something on Tuesday nights during the week. If I have something else going on at the school or scouts unless it is essential/ mandatory type thing there is a 80% chance we are probably not going to make it. My kids are the same as me, and don't want to be out of the house every school evening. I hope you get sleep soon, and of course the medical stuff is a huge unknown in terms of time/ schedule/ energy etc. I've been going to doctor appointments for 9 years, so I get it, Just when I think OK this year will be the year there are no medical issues with the kids, then I start to have medical issues. Maybe next year...
Post by supertrooper1 on Feb 22, 2019 11:45:21 GMT -5
2chatter, my STBXH is one of those "too busy" people. Yes he works, but even before DS was born, he was always too busy to do anything. It was because he priority was to come home from work and watch TV from 5pm until bedtime, so of course he didn't have time to do anything.
mae0111 - certainly not advocating people be any more scheduled than they like. But they should state the actual reason instead of going on about being busy. Busy isn’t a badge of honor. And people who are legit busy who whine about it over and over need to change something or whine accurately. They make choices for their schedule, the ones I am talking about, that they can’t handle. Stop making those choices or stop talking about it as busy.
Exception for things out of people’s control like having to work two jobs due to unforeseen circumstances or medical craziness or stress - that happens.
Then some people are in this place where they just say busy when the real answer is “I don’t want to” or “I am not interested” or “I would rather use that time to...” It bugs me. I’m pretty direct and up front and say things like “I totally want to check that place out! But I’m working out the next morning so am headed to bed early. Ask me next time.” It’s just more appropriate social cues. Busy could mean anything! When I get a busy response with no detail I don’t ask that person anything again generally.
2chatter - that’s fair. My “too busy” is because I don’t want to say “my social anxiety is getting the better of me and I simply can’t handle it”. Not one of my friends understands the extent to which this affects me. And they probably never will.
If I’m being honest, I think I would love to be someone that thrives on busyness and is excellent at scheduling. Im not wired like that. One of my very close friends is like this. Super organized, excellent time and project manager. Hearing about her life simultaneously make me want to be her and makes me exhausted.
ETA: rereading this makes it sound like I blame my friends in some way for not understanding. Not at all. I’m to embarrassed to admit that this has a choke hold on me. There is no way for them to know. So I tell them I’m busy and I leave it at that. Also, DD’s issues are totally overwhelming and there is no end in sight. There is no such thing as a peaceful day in our lives. All I can think is that I have at least 9 more years of daily screaming and it makes me want to retreat in a big way.
mae0111 - that is hard. If someone opened up and said social anxiety ever that would make a busy response make sense to me and I’d ask how to keep trying or what appeals.
Another layer to this is me and some of my friends receive derisive remarks sometimes, like “but you guys are the cool kids” or “it must be nice to have a little club to do things with”. And some of the people who deliver those comments are people I have tried to include and gotten the busy response. I’m anti confrontation but there are a couple women I have really wanted to respond to when they say something crappy.
2chatter, I'm with you! One of my close friends texted last week that we should do something so I asked her for coffee/brunch/lunch (anything!) last weekend and response was that she would love to but she's so busy. I follow up with okay, so what day would work for you? Still waiting for a response...It gets to me because it feels like I'm juggling so many things and still keeping her a priority but it doesn't feel the same in return. It might be that she just doesn't have the bandwidth because she comments that she doesn't know how I do it all but then be honest and tell me that!
Month into tax season and I don't see where the tax law is causing giant shifts in refunds/due amounts. Yes it has hurt some people but not by giant dollar amounts that I've seen. What has really made my job hard is to explain that you made 2k more in wages but had 2k less in taxes withheld and you are still getting 1k refund vs last year's 3k refund. You still got the same refund it just was spread out over the whole year. I guess I'm the UO right now.
I know I don't have extra bandwidth during tax season. I just say its tax season I barely handle all my balls as it is I can't take anything else on but call me end of April and I will fill in. DD has a field trip in April. I already told DD I won't be able to go because even after the 15th I still have catch up work and payroll deadlines.
Post by traveltheworld on Feb 22, 2019 13:33:00 GMT -5
mae0111, I hope you get some sleep soon. I had a bout of not being able to sleep a few years ago and it was so rough. I ended up going on prescription sleeping pills, which made me anxious and depressed, so that didn't work either. Eventually it got a bit better, little by little. I still struggle with sleep now, but I've just accepted the fact that if I'm busy at work, I will not be able to sleep well. Somehow accepting that fact has made me less anxious overall.
And I don't know if this is an UO - but I hate it when people include pictures of my kids on social media, but I don't know how to mention it, especially in the context of a mom just posting a picture of her child doing something with my child.
DD1 has a book report due in less than 2 weeks. She will have been given a month to complete it, start to finish. She has screamed at me every time I’ve asked her to work on it. After several reminders about the project, she left her folder in her desk over vacation, which contains the instructions for the report. I have a copy of the template (laid out like a newspaper), but not the instructions re: what goes where.
None of my approaches are working. Encouraging her to have fun with it (no - I can’t be creative); reminding her of the timeline (STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!!); asking her questions about the book (*running away*). It’s a book she chose on a topic she loves, and she loves to read, so I am puzzled.
My new tact is just to step away completely. After asking if she could start on a timeline (the one thing I remembered about the project), and getting screamed at again, I just said “Well, it’s due on March Whateverdate. Be sure you’re done by then.” This has already triggered a screaming meltdown. I can’t win 🤷♀️
I like alone time and time with just my family, but I struggle to find a way to say “I just really don’t want to.” Most of the time I’m honest and say “I’ve been traveling so much that I need to spend some time with my kiddos.”
My UO: Most of the time, I don’t give a crap about my employees’ personal lives. I should start with the fact that every single one of my employees makes 6 figures. These jobs pay well. So, yeah, they are sometimes demanding. The last full day off I had was 12 days ago. Same with one of my employees. But last night, I sent him a request, and his response was to whine about how he was still at work while his wife and kids are sitting in a house with no heat. Ok, first of all it’s in the 60s here. Second, your wife works part-time. Third, you could let your wife handle this but admit you don’t think she’s competent to. Fourth, you could review the bids while waiting for documents to review. Don’t bitch to me when I’m still working too. IDGAF if you can’t juggle your personal life. Cry me a river. I don’t ask a single one of my employees to work even as hard as I do, nevertheless harder than I do.
I've gotten such weird responses when I ask people if they want to hang out (usually a playdate with the kids). Ranging from I would never go to your area but you let me know when you are in my area, you must plan everything for me because I travel for work, no response at all because I assume they don't want to say no or they can't, to let pick a date 8 weeks out but you have to ask me again and if you do I might be busy on that date that they had me pencil in. I get that social norms don't let people just really say no I don't want to, but I pick up social cues very easily, so I am never bothering or pestering people and the simplest social cue in the world would work on me to let all contact go.
I just wonder if people have lost a lot of their social skills. And yes, I get that not everyone will like me or want to hang out with me and that is totally fine with me. And I've had other people act totally normal and do a playdate and it's all fine. And I get not everyone wants to do playdates but some of these people are people who approached me first about it, so I was following up. Maybe they would have been better off not suggesting anything because I think they suggest and then regret, and their suggestion was unprompted.
mae0111, That's tough. Maybe this is a good opportunity to just let natural consequences run their course and if she doesn't do it, it's on her? It will likely cause another meltdown, but maybe if it's a teacher being the "bad guy" it could help?
mae0111, That's tough. Maybe this is a good opportunity to just let natural consequences run their course and if she doesn't do it, it's on her? It will likely cause another meltdown, but maybe if it's a teacher being the "bad guy" it could help?
That is my thought. DH grumbles about how we keep bailing her out, then immediately suggests I text another mom for the instructions.
2chatter I’d extend your complaint to most people who complain about things that are change-able, but don’t change them for whatever reason. I try really hard to let people in my life just vent sometimes, and some things can’t be changed, but most things can at least be made a little bit easier. Like DH could totally find time to exercise everyday if he made it a priority, but instead he complains about being out of shape. I want to tell him to stop complaining and do something, even if its just a little bit of progress at first.
I’d also extend this to money. Most of my friends/people I work with/people who live in my neighborhood are fortunate financially. They’re not making date night or a nice vacation a priority because they wanted a new luxury car - it’s not that they can’t afford a babysitter or a trip. It’s just not as big a priority. So don’t make it seem like I am so, so lucky to be able to go on the nice vacation when really that’s just how I choose to direct that money.
Uo or maybe just being contrary. I really want to stay home this weekend, cook and watch movies. Unpopular with my friend group. They always are wanting to do something. If I keep turning down, I am afraid I'll never get invited at some point.
sdlaura - omg yes on both the DH/workout and vaca comments. ESP DH - mine has developed a gut since he stopped running. He doesn’t like the cold. But he says he doesn’t have time. I’m like, you have the same amount of time I do. He doesn’t get up until 6:30 and he doesn’t leave the house until 8:30. He could run three miles at 6:00. He could run at 7:00 after dropping the kids. But he wants to sleep and he likes to listen to the news (for 1.5 hours) while getting ready, and he goes to Starbucks every single day. He has the TIME. Ugh.
And just this week I got “do you miss traveling in the summer?” I was confused by the question. They meant because we are taking a trip over Spring Break, and said they really need a summer vaca to break up the summer. ME TOO! It is why we do both. Got a “wow, that must be nice!” And barely stopped myself from saying something in response. I may just say “what’s stopping you?” in response to these things but to your point when people say “money” I would not say “still enjoying that BMW SUV?” So probably best to keep my mouth closed.
On that note, the comments about weight. Like well you are skinny, or if I look like you. First of all, I am not skinny. Never have been. Second, I have had to watch what i eat since I was 11. I would love to have the brownie or fries or second helping of everything, but I rarely do. I also realy don't like working out at 5:30 AM but I do. Dont act like I am one of those celebrities who say they can eat what they want and dont really work out.
2chatter and sdlaura - I totally agree re: $$. One of my friends chose to walk away from an awful job over the summer. It was a good decision - the place was sucking the life out of her. But she claims that she has not been able to find work, and she is panicking. I feel for her, sort of... but..
1. She and her DH made a decision to purchase a brand new home in a really upscale town to the tune of over $1M. They need 2 salaries to afford it.
2. She has restricted her job search to a very narrow area. She has been aggressively looking for over 6 months. She needs to widen her search but refuses.
I get comments from about my situation. We planned for me to leave my job FOR FIVE YEARS. It was not a whim. We saved and planned and mapped this sh!t out. We didn’t take multiple trips each year (she did). And we purchased our forever home after saving FOR ANOTHER FIVE YEARS to ensure our mortgage was the same as in our starter home and affordable when I quit working.
I’m sad she’s in a bind, and I’m sad that we are now competing for the same job. But she needs to try something else. If things are as dire as she depicts, I would be working retail at this point, just to bring in a check.
Brought to you by the document I am working on, double spacing is obscenely large, and APA style citations get super messy when you have a lot of sources to cite. Also, tracked changes is super not hard to use...
2chatter, I've gotten that before too....yes, we do go on vacations at both times when the school's and the university spring break line up.....and then something about folks saying that they can't afford that.
Not going on vacation ever is strange to me. I grew up very middle class sometimes lower middle class on only one income, and we still at least went camping every summer. I was lucky to have grandparents with more money that lived in Florida for the winter, so they paid for 3 tickets to come down every year and lodging was free.
We are lucky now to have hotel and airline points, but if we didn't we would still do at least a weekend away or camp. We have new cars due to necessity, but have never had a luxury car brand.
waverly - I agree - need vacations! But they don’t have to be a week at Atlantis in the Bahamas if it puts you in financial jeopardy.
We have always taken a vacation. I don’t enjoy camping, but DH would rent a beach house off season before kids. The week after Labor Day is an amazing week to hit a beach resort town. Stuff is still open, but everyone is gone. We would bike, play tennis, go to the beach, hike, cook, etc.
We rarely went on vacation when I was a kid. 3 times that didn’t involve staying at my aunt’s tiny cottage on a pond. Usually 1-2 days at her little place, maybe once a year. We loved it as kids.
Wanted to add that my parents NEVER travel or vacation. It’s so odd. They have the means and are quite healthy. They just won’t go.
Vacation is a priority item with us. It brings us together and we make great memories. I don't understand not going either. You have around 18 years with your kids to make these memories. If you take 5 years off, you only have 13 trips if you only go yearly. You feel this limitation keenly when you have a 15 year old and you have so many places you want to go.
Hopefully, they will still want to go with us as adults if we bribe them by footing the bill.