I'm having a bad day.

[cleo29]

I think I was more resigned and numb this past weekend, but now i am getting a bit angry. i hate when someone is breaking up with you and they mention how they want you to be happy. No, you want to be happy. You, want something else other than me and our life, so just say that. be honest and say it.

Thinking about telling our girls, future holidays... everything is incredibly hard. i feel like this should not be happening.

After nearly 12 years of marriage, 14 together, h is done. we hit a rocky patch two and a half years ago after i was going through some stuff. and it seems that things i said then, i guess planted the seed in him for what is happening now. Does not want to do therapy again because in reality he i not hopeful that things can get better or that he will change his mind.

i don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with me, but this really, really hurts. And on top of all of this, me now having to get a real supporting job, is we live in an area where I will not be able to really do so. Very HCOL. So, the possibility of moving in say a year or so is very high.

Sorry, I am all over the place. All of this just happened this past Saturday.

[RamblingRose]

Hugs. I haven’t been on the boards in a year or so, randomly logged in today and saw you other post. I’m so sorry! I wish I had advice or could help in some way.

[downtoearth]

I still have good and bad days and I'm about 2 1/2 months out from my discovery of my H's infidelity and our separation. I don't have good advice, but I do know that I spent the first month coasting and just getting things done while crying. I hear everyone is different. Hugs on this bad day. I hope you have some good ones too. And I'm finding that kids are resilient and also a source of joy when it seems daunting. Hugs.

[cleo29]

downtoearth, thank you and i am sorry that we are both going through this. there was no infidelity, just feelings changing on his part. maybe some on my part, i don't know. not enough that i wanted to end things. we are going to tell the kids this weekend because i think they will start to pick up on things. honestly, i am just scared of breaking their hearts.

in the car i mentioned a trip to disney next year and my oldest says,"yeah well me and dad can go do this while you and K go do something else." and I know that will not be happening. It just hurts.

[spindle92]

cleo29, this board is pretty much dead but some of us moved to TIP (trouble in paradise) if you ever want to chat over there.

and I am sorry you are going thru this. It is never fun or easy but you will get through it.

[cleo29]

spindle92,thanks for the heads up, I will head over that way. I think I remember you saying something about going through this too. how are you doing?

[kanga1]

cleo29, ditto spindle this board is dead. However this board gave me so much good advice and made me feel so much better when I was going through my divorce, I think it would be worth your time to scroll back to some of the OLD posts, circa 2012-2013 because there was a lot of good advice given to a lot of people back in the day. Hugs, I'm sorry you're going through this.

[cleo29]

Mar 22, 2019 10:31:47 GMT -5 kanga1 said:

cleo29 , ditto spindle this board is dead. However this board gave me so much good advice and made me feel so much better when I was going through my divorce, I think it would be worth your time to scroll back to some of the OLD posts, circa 2012-2013 because there was a lot of good advice given to a lot of people back in the day. Hugs, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you. This week has been hard and i try to get most of my crying done during the day while the girls are at school.  i will head over to TIP.

I keep thinking of all the changes to come and i hate doing this to my girls. Not that i want them to live in a house with parents fighting frequently or just feeling tense. But I read this article about how kids of divorce all remember vividly about when and where they were told and now i feel even worse.  My oldest already told H that she wants us to be happy together and not fight as much/anymore.

[downtoearth]

Mar 22, 2019 10:42:51 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Mar 22, 2019 10:31:47 GMT -5 kanga1 said:

cleo29 , ditto spindle this board is dead. However this board gave me so much good advice and made me feel so much better when I was going through my divorce, I think it would be worth your time to scroll back to some of the OLD posts, circa 2012-2013 because there was a lot of good advice given to a lot of people back in the day. Hugs, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you. This week has been hard and i try to get most of my crying done during the day while the girls are at school.  i will head over to TIP.

I keep thinking of all the changes to come and i hate doing this to my girls. Not that i want them to live in a house with parents fighting frequently or just feeling tense. But I read this article about how kids of divorce all remember vividly about when and where they were told and now i feel even worse.  My oldest already told H that she wants us to be happy together and not fight as much/anymore.

I really am a novice, but I assure you that telling the kids was not a good momen, but not as bad as I anticipated. I was so worried, and it was a relief to tell them together. H was out of the house immediately, so we were to buy time to talk about actual divorce by being honest and saying, "We are having tough, adult, relationship issues and we have to live apart to decide what is best for us, Mom and Dad. This is not about ou kiddos at all. We both love you and will always love you, and we'll both see you. You all will have access to us both while we work on our adult issues and figure out a new family normal."

Then we waited to tell them that the separation was permanent until after we met with a coparenting counselor and we both read/skimmed a great book on coparenting (A Parent's Guide to Divorce - link below). BTW - both STBX and I really like going to coparenting counseling. She's a couples counselor, but we talk primarily about what is best for the kids and how to communicate our needs and have pretty much figured out a workable, flexible parenting plan, and ways to not bring our own relationship struggles into our parenting together. We are going to continue these every 3-6 months for the next year or so b/c she does have some good insight (especially since we have such a span of ages 7th grader to K, so we have to treat kids differently - and b/c when the kids do figure out the infidelity - they don't know yet - we are all going to have to help them adjust again.)

Link: A Parent's Guide to Divorce - good resource, but I did read it at night and hide it from the kids since we hadn't said "divorce" yet. www.amazon.com/Parents-Guide-Divorce-Resilient-Turbulent/dp/164152121X Even my STBX read most of the beginning of it and he's not a big book reader.

ETA: cleo29, oh and mourning the loss of the future family plans is the worst. But, I have two friends who still do some great "family" things together with their X and the kids. I know it's not "normal" but these two families are really amazing and the kids get the benefit of monthly dinners with both parents and meeting on vacations (not the same room), and monthly family ski days, etc. They were just couples who didn't find a way to be together anymore, but still love each other from a family perspective. Obviously not me - yet (or ever), but divorce is really something you can define and as a new relationship when you have kids and it might work for you and your H.

[cleo29]

downtoearth, thank you for the link. I am sorry you are dealing with this too. I think my oldest suspects something. my youngest might too. it makes my heart hurt so badly. we typically go to disney every other year, though i guess h had become more reluctant. Anyway, yesterday I was telling them we will go next spring and my oldest made some kind of comment like, "great. ME and dad can go epcot and you can take K into Magic kingdom" and it tore me up. That won't be happening. it is those moments, those kind of things that just tear me up.

Also, because of where we live, we cannot afford two households right now, so we will be "separated" but both living in the house. but we are no longer kissing hello and goodbye and i am sure other changes that they are probably noticing. so we have to say something soon. ugh

[jigsy]

cleo29, I don't have kids, and wasn't a SAH parent, but I was a trailing spouse who had a shit work history and ended up starting over, new career and all, in a HCOL area (LA) - so, as you move along this path, don't hesitate to reach out if you have questions or whatever. I don't know that I can offer any tips or tricks beyond common sense, because I feel like that is all I used, lol, but I will certainly be here to tell you that you can do it.

[cleo29]

Thank you, jigsy,. I think i might try hospitality. i think i would be good at it and i think there is a fair amount of room for growth. if it were just me, i could live simply far easier than what it will take with the girls.

[jigsy]

Mar 22, 2019 18:52:04 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Thank you, jigsy ,. I think i might try hospitality. i think i would be good at it and i think there is a fair amount of room for growth. if it were just me, i could live simply far easier than what it will take with the girls.

My number one suggestion is to reach out and use your networks. I landed my first job post-separation through a poster here...and actually, my second job for that matter too, And my current job was through a connection I made at my first job. If you are anything like me, it feels awful to ask for help, but people like to help people, but they have to know how they can do it!

[chchchia]

Well I am 3 years this year post separation and 2 for divorce. Total cliché but it does get better. My situation sucks bc my ex and his new wife are doing everything they can to make my life miserable and my true desire is to be left alone. I want peace. They seem to take pleasure out of doing things to me. They like to call the cops if my kids are 2 mins late coming out of the house. Yes, literally two minutes, telling the cops I am withholding my children from them. That is just a small example of their nastiness. I feel like I can conquer it at times, other times I feel like this will be my life literally for another 10 years (my youngest is 7).
I just don't know how to deal with it.
Cleo, reading your post today gives me hope. I remember being in the beginning of it thinking it would be misery, I never mourned for the lost future, I was humiliated. I didn't see the end. I know I've come so much further than I was. I know you will get through this, the strength you gain now will help you with the strength you will need later.
I sound all jumbled, I know. If you need anything, please reach out..you can message me! Commiserating or just listening, I can do both.