stupid self help books

[cleo29]

Picked up books to help us navigate the divorce, especially with the kids. And it is depressing me. the stats and all that and now starting to feel like I am doomed to failed relationships. Being married before raises the risk for divorce again. Women who have been raped have a higher divorce rate too, so there is that working against me too.

I want to try and stay positive, as much a I can, because i don't want to get lost and sucked into anger and sadness, but reading that stuff makes it really, really hard.

[margarita]

I’m sorry Cleo. That would really frustrate me too. Aren’t those books supposed to be helpful and insightful, not discouraging? That’s really disappointing.

I have no advice. I’m just sorry you’re going through this. You’re a strong woman and a great mom. I know you’ve got this.

[doriswe]

Honestly, I’m not sure you need to only read divorce books. I’m a big fan of anything Brene Brown where she focuses more on your own vulnerability and seeing the world differently.

[cleo29]

Mar 24, 2019 18:49:26 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Honestly, I’m not sure you need to only read divorce books. I’m a big fan of anything Brene Brown where she focuses more on your own vulnerability and seeing the world differently.

this one was about navigating your children through this transition, but this annoying stuff was in the overview. It just left me feeling all the fears I already have inside x 100. 

[tiramisu]

Some of those books are very poorly written and insensitive. Try to keep in mind that statistics tell only a small part of the story. How convenient to use the statistic that puts blame on a woman who's been raped instead of her partner and however he may have contributed.

You are not doomed to failed relationships. I'm going to find the book my old boss bought me when I was going through my divorce because it was helpful. I don't remember specifically if it talks about navigating with kids.

What books did you get? Do you remember the authors?

[cleo29]

Mar 25, 2019 7:49:16 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

Some of those books are very poorly written and insensitive. Try to keep in mind that statistics tell only a small part of the story. How convenient to use the statistic that puts blame on a woman who's been raped instead of her partner and however he may have contributed.

You are not doomed to failed relationships. I'm going to find the book my old boss bought me when I was going through my divorce because it was helpful. I don't remember specifically if it talks about navigating with kids.

What books did you get? Do you remember the authors?

i will have to look for the one regarding kids. The other one i got, now try not to laugh, is called Conscious Uncoupling. i thought Gwenyth Paltrow came up with the term, but i guess not. Anyway, it seems to more about making what can be a terrible situation the best it can be and really how to go beyond that to a good place. i feel like that is what i need because that is an absolute must for my girls.

I lost my father when I was quite young and i think the one thing i always wanted for them was what i did not have; a dad. They have that and I plan on doing everything I can to keep us, h and I, in as good a place as we can be for them. and he feels the same, so that is good.

But yes, any and all books are welcome. I am getting into a women's support group which will start up in May.

[doglove]

You aren’t a statistic, you’re a human and no one writes your future except for you. If the books you are reading suck, toss them and look into some more inspiring and positive ones like others have suggested. You will be okay and you can find love again. You are not doomed to a life of misery just because of this one miserable circumstance. You are worthy of love and deserve it - no matter how that looks, whether it’s in friendships, your children, a new relationship, furry companions or whatever works to support you.

[downtoearth]

doglove , love your first line of your post. Thanks.

Cleo29 - My friend (cohabitated together for months - now keeps kids in home and parents move in/out to another place - they also share) really likes the Conscious Uncoupling book. I haven't loved too many that I've read, but I didn't read that one yet - only the co-parenting book that I got did I like really. Is that one of the ones with the statistics? I'll have to go re-read.

I also really have liked books that are about life and getting to know yourself and NOT divorce/separation. I'm reading the newest Gretchen Rubin book about "The Four Tendencies" just started so I can't say much, but it's uplifting. There is also this life coaching book my girlfriend uses called "Strength Finder" or something and she's sending me the book and a code b/c it really helps you see where you have strength and then play to that in relationships and careers. I also really love poetry and read that instead of self-help books - nerdy, I know - but Salt is great and several others from the library I can look up again. I have a journal and part of it is using "gratitude journal prompts" that help me realize the simple things that I am happy about. I'm not good at doing it everyday, but it's interesting and I kind of like that I'll look back and read about this time and know that I was able to find happiness and amazing moments in the tough parts too.

[pearls]

When I started the divorce process I bought a ton of books related to divorcing (and infidelity as my ex-H's actions with that was a catalyst to our divorce). What I found was similar to what you are saying, I remember feeling like a statistic, just knowing with each page that I was exactly who these books were talking about. And I read like crazy. My family couldn't get me to talk to them, all I did was sit in a chair and read for hours on end trying to help myself when I wasn't working.

What I'm trying to say is that I'd be cautious about reading too much "self-help", especially in the beginning when it's all a new process. What ultimately helped me was to slowly start making notes of the good things in my life/about me outside of my divorce, and try to keep my focus there. A small moment here or there, a quote that made me feel something other than crying over being scared of how I was going to afford my now different, unexpected life. I remember I went on a work trip and I took notes on my phone of those good moments away so I could use them to help me in a low moment later.

You are not the same as anyone else, and please do not feel like just another person going through this. We all go through in our own way, in our own time, and you and your girls will experience good things on the other side of this.

[cleo29]

For me, one of the more depressing parts was this feeling that 1) i feel doomed to ever meet someone again 2) that if I do meet someone that we are doomed to not working and 3) pretty much that I am doomed.

I hate this feeling that I couldn't make this marriage work, what makes me think any future relationship will be different all of which i know should not be the focus. but it is an an overwhelming feeling sometimes.

Thank you fro all the suggestions.

[bullygirl979]

cleo29, I wrote you a response the day you posted but it was eaten by the GBCN boards. Then I had to travel for work. So here we are. I would actually argue that you are MORE likely to meet someone again and have it work. While I had failed relationships after my marriage, I did a lot of self-reflection to see 1) where I contributed to the issues 2) what traits were in common in the failed relationships and 3) what could I learn and bring with me to the next relationship?

I was really dumb in my marriage and had a lot to learn. Because I was willing to look at my mistakes and learn, I feel like it prepared me MORE for the next relationship. Fast forward 6 years, I met the love of my life who is my best friend. Who treats me like gold. We got married last year. All of the previous crap helped me get to that point where I recognized what was important, how I deserve to be treated and how to truly act in a marriage.

[doglove]

You alone can’t make a marriage work cleo29, just remember that before you saddle yourself with all the blame. It takes two people to make a marriage work. I learned with my first marriage that you just can’t force someone else to do their share. And you certainly can’t do it for them. Some of those things take time to realize though, so give yourself a break and try to go easy on yourself and treat yourself kindly.

[cleo29]

bullygirl979, doglove, Thank you for the encouraging words. i definitely know areas that he could have done more and same for myself. I think I took it for granted that he would always want me and our life together. and i definitely know things that I will want to work on for whatever lies ahead of me and plan to work through those things with therapy.

[Shreddingbetty]

cleo29, Way late to this thread as i am not a regular on this board but I was bored and here I am
Anyway, my friend had recommended this book and I thought it was pretty good. It has nothing to do with marriages or helping you through this yourself but it helps you navigate post divorce parenting by age group

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way www.amazon.com/dp/0679778012/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_6uB.Cb074A5H7

[cleo29]

Jun 9, 2019 20:44:15 GMT -5 Shreddingbetty said:

cleo29 , Way late to this thread as i am not a regular on this board but I was bored and here I am
Anyway, my friend had recommended this book and I thought it was pretty good. It has nothing to do with marriages or helping you through this yourself but it helps you navigate post divorce parenting by age group

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way www.amazon.com/dp/0679778012/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_6uB.Cb074A5H7

Aw, thank you! I have read the New Monogamy, which I am loving and think it would be great for any married person, or a person who wants to get married,  to read. 

I have also bought two books by Esther Perel which look amazing. her TED talk about infidelity was really good. I find everything before and after affairs interesting and have realized that how one thinks they will feel is not always how they will feel in realty.

[Shreddingbetty]

Jun 9, 2019 20:48:32 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Jun 9, 2019 20:44:15 GMT -5 Shreddingbetty said:

cleo29 , Way late to this thread as i am not a regular on this board but I was bored and here I am
Anyway, my friend had recommended this book and I thought it was pretty good. It has nothing to do with marriages or helping you through this yourself but it helps you navigate post divorce parenting by age group

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way www.amazon.com/dp/0679778012/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_6uB.Cb074A5H7

Aw, thank you! I have read the New Monogamy, which I am loving and think it would be great for any married person, or a person who wants to get married,  to read. 

I have also bought two books by Esther Perel which look amazing. her TED talk about infidelity was really good. I find everything before and after affairs interesting and have realized that how one thinks they will feel is not always how they will feel in realty.

I read this one for myself. It was an easy read and kind of fun to read actually. It is mostly for when you are contemplating but I read it when we were in the process of divorcing. It still had some good advice 
Goodbye To You: A Girlfriend's Guide to Wake You Up Before You Go Go Through Divorce www.amazon.com/dp/B077VTFTYM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_PJB.CbCMA2YYD

i come out of a marriage where my ex was an alcoholic (he is in recovery and has been sober for 2.5 years now but too much damage was done for me) and even though I’m not looking for a relationship at this point I would like one at some point (although I’m pretty sure im done with marriage...). It is daunting though to think about, I’m 46, single mom and I have had to change a lot myself to get away from my codepency issues to avoid falling into a similar relationship (I have a knack for those). I’m worried that I will be overly worried and therefore overly analytical of any new potential partners. I have been married twice and both relationships were dysfunctional as was the relationship with my mom. So I don’t even know what normal is. But for now I will enjoy my freedom and figure me out (never done that before) and hopefully I will find someone at some point. Not sure dating apps will be my thing but it seems like that is how everyone does it these days. I feel old 😜

[cleo29]

Shreddingbetty, What is interesting in the book I mentioned is she talks about firmly thinking about and asking for the relationship you want. being able to communicate that clearly, the explicit and implicit rules that you need and want, and also that what works for one couple, might not for another. And that within a single marriage there will be many, meaning that as you hit different times in your life, your marriage will change and shift and so you will need to revisit things from time to time.

Found it really neat. I think just being happy with yourself and where you are in life is huge. If you one day meet a person who sparks with you, that is great. And does not mean it has to be marriage. Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

[Shreddingbetty]

Jun 9, 2019 21:14:52 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Shreddingbetty , What is interesting in the book I mentioned is she talks about firmly thinking about and asking for the relationship you want. being able to communicate that clearly, the explicit and implicit rules that you need and want, and also that what works for one couple, might not for another. And that within a single marriage there will be many, meaning that as you hit different times in your life, your marriage will change and shift and so you will need to revisit things from time to time.

Found it really neat. I think just being happy with yourself and where you are in life is huge. If you one day meet a person who sparks with you, that is great. And does not mean it has to be marriage. Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

So that may actually be really good for me, since up until now I have been a pro at trying to please everyone else.  Hence the needed time for me to be truly single so I can figure out what I really want. I might ave to check those out as well, I got the feeling it was mostly centered around infidelity issues. And yes, i know Goldie Hawn has mentioned more than once that they thought that if they had gotten married they would not have lasted. And then there are those people who have been together forever and get divorced within a couple of years of finally getting married. I haven’t given up hope for a good relationship in the future but I like to worry about stuff I have no control over, still working on that whole living in the moment thing it’s getting better

[cleo29]

Jun 9, 2019 21:32:25 GMT -5 Shreddingbetty said:

Jun 9, 2019 21:14:52 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Shreddingbetty , What is interesting in the book I mentioned is she talks about firmly thinking about and asking for the relationship you want. being able to communicate that clearly, the explicit and implicit rules that you need and want, and also that what works for one couple, might not for another. And that within a single marriage there will be many, meaning that as you hit different times in your life, your marriage will change and shift and so you will need to revisit things from time to time.

Found it really neat. I think just being happy with yourself and where you are in life is huge. If you one day meet a person who sparks with you, that is great. And does not mean it has to be marriage. Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

So that may actually be really good for me, since up until now I have been a pro at trying to please everyone else.  Hence the needed time for me to be truly single so I can figure out what I really want. I might ave to check those out as well, I got the feeling it was mostly centered around infidelity issues. And yes, i know Goldie Hawn has mentioned more than once that they thought that if they had gotten married they would not have lasted. And then there are those people who have been together forever and get divorced within a couple of years of finally getting married. I haven’t given up hope for a good relationship in the future but I like to worry about stuff I have no control over, still working on that whole living in the moment thing it’s getting better

It does talk a lot about infidelity, but honestly, I think even being with an addict can have many betrayals in the relationship. But, really learning how to communicate clearly, knowing what you want the rules to be (which maybe sounds bad, but it is not. We all have our things that we must have in a relationship or not have) and how to be clear in that and then coming to an agreement with the other person.

She might have other books out there. Esther Perel seems so neat. She has books about sex in your relationship, etc. I really like her.