SO VENT

[rere]

DS has been coughing over a week.  This horrible wracking cough.   He and DH were planning on hunting all weekend for a youth season.  I asked DH to take him to the convenient care after they hunted that morning.  DH threw a hissy, 4 year old fit.  How I was trying to ruin DS's weekend that he had been looking forward to for weeks.   We were not speaking as of bedtime.  So he did not take him Saturday or Sunday. They were together all weekend and I was running errands and taking DD to birthday parties. 

Last night DS is still coughing, he comes upstairs and says dad says you need to take me to the doctor tomorrow. I bolt off the couch and go downstairs and am like are you kidding me? I begged you to go and got my head bit off and now that everyone is back to school and work and you are out of commission from 6 AM until 7:30 PM, he needs to go to the doctor?  He was coming up with stuff like, you were trying to say he couldn't even go hunting - nope, I said when you get done.  Then he was, I asked him to go both days and he wouldn't go.  Hello, you are the father.   He is under 18.  You decide, not him.  If he laid out in the parking lot and refused to move, you could pick him up and take him in, so that is a ridiculous statement.  Then he was, well you yelled at me, when I pointed out his behavior Friday night.  So I asked when? Name it? When did I yell? He had nothing.  I left it with I told you last week I was overwhelmed, I had to take care of everything, all the medical stuff, bills, the kids, while usually trying to work.  This was one thing you could have handled.  He tried to bring DS into the argument, and I shut that down fast. 

At this point, I don't know if I do not have a partner at all in life or is my partner is a 4-13 year old spoiled brat and which is worse.  He comes in at 10:09 at night and starts telling me he is going to handle DS's truck.  I asked him why he was talking to me, while I was asleep.  Nice, now wake me up.  This morning, he leaves out of work 20 minutes early to drop a check off at the mechanics.  Great. That is on my way to work. You saved me a total of 37 seconds.  What will I do with the time.  That was stupid. 

Plus DS, my first reaction anytime I see him in the last 2 weeks has been, what is wrong with you now? 

[waverly]

Mine was only that DH was super dismissive of my Grand Jury nerves. Since he ended up being right and I was excused at 1pm on the first day and don't have to go back, I guess I can't blame him too much.

But man the nerves had me crying at least 2 times since I got the summons. He started to become very helpful once I started hyperventilating (it was controllable). I was looking at trying to find 5 weeks of childcare M-F, so yeah I was a little stressed here. I mean I always had the before care option but the one time I used it DS had tiredness related behavioral issues, so I couldn't imagine 5 weeks of that. 

Yesterday was so nice weather wise, we were able to get lunch at a nice Mexican place and sit outside after I was dismissed.

[2chatter]

DH refused to go to the store yesterday to get DD soft foods - she got braces yesterday. He then got stomping mad at me when I went to the store on my way home from the ER. I got him flowers because he told me I am stubborn and infuriating.

He said this morning that we “got you a nanny” to make things easier and it’s not like I have to pick up the kids. He said afternoons and evenings are easy (sure they are, when the menu is leftovers and you refuse to run to the store as planned and I called friends from the ER to say I couldn’t be the carpool and they stepped up). It’s like he totally doesn’t understand that I don’t pick up the kids at 2:45 because I am at work. I’m not eating bon bons, and he’s never here to see a normal evening (dinner, homework, errands, activities, play dates, oh and work still blowing up).

I don’t know how to reconcile his head to reality. Without a frying pan. I really think he wanted a sweet little wife. I am not that. I was handling work from the ER and was getting one more blood draw and leaving, and didn’t want the kids to know a thing, so asked him not to come up. I think his need for me to be something I am not is at the root of all of this.

[mae0111]

So... my anxiety is at an all-time high, especially social anxiety. I'm doing some things to deal with it, but the problem with anxiety is that you don't want to reach out to anyone for help. Because, you know, anxiety.

So one of the things I'm trying to do to help myself is get a part-time job. I found one that is close to home, mother's hours, in my old industry. I had my first round of interviews, and all went very well, so I have another round tomorrow. Dh thinks it's a horrible idea because I feel overwhelmed all the time... because I'm anxious about everything. I told him that I'm very lonely, and that this would force me out of the house and into a situation where I'm forced to interact with people.

He said, "You've done everything in your power to create this situation."

*blink*

I asked if he honestly thought that I wanted to live like this. If he really thought I wanted to spend my days completely alone, with no friends, not talking to anyone, not doing anything productive except for chores. He said, "There's a simple solution to that - call your friends!"

I CAN'T. I LITERALLY CAN'T MAKE MYSELF DO IT. IT IS NOT A CHOICE. I'm aware that it's not rational. But it's my life, and I believe that this will help me to improve things. F-ing support me.

[rere]

mae0111 , I can relate. I literally told DH, I need you to say this.... He chose instead to say I stress myself out and tell me how I should handle it.

[mae0111]

rere, I likely would have screamed in DH's face, as I feel I do not have a strong hold on my emotions lately.

[justcheckingin73]

rere, that’s infuriating. I really hate the mindset of many DHs (including mine!) that they have “options” because if they don’t do it, the wife will. 

mae0111, I completely get that. My anxiety has been ramped up since after the first of the year. I’ve gained weight and I can’t seem to get it under control. I also tend to have social anxiety and wanted to go talk to the neighbors across the street who I don’t know that well, while DS played outside but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

My vent with DH is that he literally has one chore - cleaning the litter boxes. We have 3 cats and 2 litter boxes. They fill up fast. I checked one day and it looked like he hadn’t done it in 2-3 days. There was barely room for the cats to go. I’m so over it. I understand he gets home after 10 most nights but there is the morning. And considering I do everything else, it’s not too much to ask. The thing that really gets me is that if I start to do it, suddenly it becomes my chore even when tax season is over. And I absolutely hate having to ask about it. He’s not my kid! I don’t want to tell him what to do!

[186momx]

Unlike justcheckingin73, DH I'm still doing everything and slowly loosing. Client this morning told me I look like crap and I was like I do and I feel like it to. Last weekend I threw a hissy fit both nights when I got home. Both days I asked for simple chores to be done. Saturday was to go to the $ store and by toilet cleaner and clean the bathroom and deal with the dishwasher. DH got toilet cleaner but did nothing else as I didn't say to and DD is going yes mommy did ask us to. So I'm rushing around cleaning the bathroom that was beyond gross, doing laundry, and cooking dinner. Then he was like you should just sit and chill you look stressed and DH is painting his latest woodworking project in the living room. Sunday I asked again for the dishwasher to be done and to vacuum. Nope they did neither and then DD can't figure out why I won't sit and watch a movie with her as I'm running around vacuuming a weeks worth of dog hair up and cleaning dishes so I can cook dinner. I lost it again and DH took the vacuum away. I think what hurt the most was that they went off on an adventure looking for a pond to explore in the pouring rain and skipped chores. DH was like well you will do it anyways so we don't need to.

I have the 19th off but no way am I going to be able to sit around and watch a movie or sleep with the state of the house. It is slowly driving me crazy so I know I will be spending my 1st off day majorly cleaning for my own mental state.

[phdmomma]

186momx, Could you just leave all of it? And eventually he will realize all that you do, because you aren't doing any of it (other than feeding people). And will eventually step up?

[mommyatty]

186momx- that woodworking project would have met the business end of a hammer in my house. As would his woodworking equipment the next time around.

[ECB]

Apr 9, 2019 10:35:01 GMT -5 186momx said:

DH was like well you will do it anyways so we don't need to.

You HAVE to find some way to let some of the chores go.  Seriously.  Dishes aren't done?  Don't make dinner.  Don't do HIS laundry - just do your own.  

Something, anything.  This attitude of his will never change if you don't make a change yourself.  He needs to feel the impact. 

[shakinros]

Ugh all my sorries, ladies. Things aren’t perfect at our house but we’re in a better spot than we used to be.

Things that have resulted in improvements:
1. Saying “can you take a turn this weekend to xyz chore?”
2. That one Saturday when we were each going to clean and I come out of the bathroom with the scrubber to see DH has started a movie with DD. I dropped the whole bucket of cleaning supplies on the floor and said “I’m not going to be the only sucker clean the house while everyone else watches a movie. “

Wish I didn’t have to ask but I can live with that for now.

[tacokick]

Apr 9, 2019 8:36:58 GMT -5 waverly said:

Mine was only that DH was super dismissive of my Grand Jury nerves. Since he ended up being right and I was excused at 1pm on the first day and don't have to go back, I guess I can't blame him too much.

But man the nerves had me crying at least 2 times since I got the summons. He started to become very helpful once I started hyperventilating (it was controllable). I was looking at trying to find 5 weeks of childcare M-F, so yeah I was a little stressed here. I mean I always had the before care option but the one time I used it DS had tiredness related behavioral issues, so I couldn't imagine 5 weeks of that. 

Yesterday was so nice weather wise, we were able to get lunch at a nice Mexican place and sit outside after I was dismissed.

I was checking in to see if you were picked! I’m glad you weren’t.

It is extremely understandable to be upset at your husband about being dismissive. It doesn’t matter if he was “right”, you could have been called and it seems like all the work would have fell on you. You shouldn’t have to have a panic attack to get sympathy and support from him. You could have very well been picked. There is no way to know and of course, many people were picked!

[sdlaura]

mae0111 I say this as someone without anxiety, so please take it as a really dumb question if that’s what it is, since I don’t mean to offend you, but have you talked to your doctor about your anxiety?

My DH is the one with anxiety in our relationship. It took a long time before he saw his doctor after we started discussing it - I finally convinced him that it wasn’t that I thought he needed to be fixed, but that I didn’t think he was being fair to himself to not pursue possible ways to improve the things going on in his head that he didn’t want to be there....if that makes sense.

waverly that’s so awesome that you don’t have to go back!

My solution on the chores is to threaten to hire things out. And DH is really frugal so that usually gets him to do things.

[186momx]

WPs I have left so much go and each season I let a little more go to the way of it can wait. But I'm talking about a week's worth of dishes in the sink and not having a clean pot to cook dinner in. What drives me nuts is if I WFH on the weekend and ask DD to help do something DH will take it away from her and do it himself. So I know he can clean he just chooses not to unless he feels guilty about it being done by someone else. My hissy fit got him to vacuum but I hate having to have a meltdown to get help or for him to finally see that I've had enough.

He loves to text me just emoji's. I finally sent him a meme today of a stressed out bear with a stack of papers that got so tall it fell over onto the bear. I got a text back saying you can do it. Why does he respond to emoji's and not words?

He has therapy tonight and its his damn therapist who is pushing the woodworking all the time for him to destress because tax season is super stressful on him. I'm so not looking forward to going home to my disastrous house that will have a cranky DH in it. But I will go home and put DD to bed after picking her up from my mom who feed her dinner. I'll take a nice long hot shower, pack DD's and my lunch for tomorrow and then crawl into bed after loving on the dog.

[mae0111]

186momx - all I can say is I’m sorry. I’m hoping that you feel that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel with tax season ending soon. Can you start planning now to hire extra help next year? A cleaner 1-2 days a week for a short time? If he won’t do it, that might be the only solution. Start saving now to lessen the impact.

sdlaura - I’ve spoken to 2 doctors about it. The first one put me on Zoloft. Even on a tiny dose, I literally could not get out of bed in the morning. So I took myself off after a few months. The withdrawal was brutal. I told the second one and mentioned I was taking CBD. It has had some impact in some areas, but it’s not perfect. The second doctor was amused about the CBD and glossed over the anxiety.

I need to find a therapist, but the few that I’ve reached out to aren’t taking new patients. But even reaching out to the few that I have had taken a lot... I haven’t worked up the courage to try again.

[sdlaura]

mae0111 I’m sorry the doctors didn’t help you more. DH was allergic to the first medication he tried and it definitely took some experimenting with types and dosages. He also uses CBD - he grows it himself in our garage . I really hope you’re able to find something that helps soon.

[waverly]

Apr 10, 2019 7:34:13 GMT -5 sdlaura said:

mae0111 I’m sorry the doctors didn’t help you more. DH was allergic to the first medication he tried and it definitely took some experimenting with types and dosages. He also uses CBD - he grows it himself in our garage . I really hope you’re able to find something that helps soon.

They have the CBD gummies on Amazon. Unfortunately since my NSAID allergy I think I am also allergic. I don’t know how but maybe they are reaching the same part in the brain?

[waverly]

Apr 9, 2019 19:00:11 GMT -5 tacokick said:

Apr 9, 2019 8:36:58 GMT -5 waverly said:

Mine was only that DH was super dismissive of my Grand Jury nerves. Since he ended up being right and I was excused at 1pm on the first day and don't have to go back, I guess I can't blame him too much.

But man the nerves had me crying at least 2 times since I got the summons. He started to become very helpful once I started hyperventilating (it was controllable). I was looking at trying to find 5 weeks of childcare M-F, so yeah I was a little stressed here. I mean I always had the before care option but the one time I used it DS had tiredness related behavioral issues, so I couldn't imagine 5 weeks of that. 

Yesterday was so nice weather wise, we were able to get lunch at a nice Mexican place and sit outside after I was dismissed.

I was checking in to see if you were picked! I’m glad you weren’t.

It is extremely understandable to be upset at your husband about being dismissive. It doesn’t matter if he was “right”, you could have been called and it seems like all the work would have fell on you. You shouldn’t have to have a panic attack to get sympathy and support from him. You could have very well been picked. There is no way to know and of course, many people were picked!

This is so very true. We had no idea that the state attorney would be so accommodating. It shouldnt take a breakdown for him to put his kids on the bus and pick them up while working from home. 🙄

Next week he starts the new job so I can kind of understand that, but there is no reason he couldn’t be calling up nanny agencies for emergency care or something like that. I’ve told him before if he is gone he needs to replace himself. It’s not MY job to always replace him.