Advice on timing and filing for divorce

[downtoearth]

So my state doesn't require a necessary time of separation if there is "serious marital discord between the spouses and no reasonable prospect of reconciliation" and is a no-fault state. Divorces usually take 30-90 days to finalize. So when do I go ahead and submit paperwork?

My STBXH and I are amicable and agree on most all of the finances and parenting plan. I will probably have most of that done and ready for my lawyer in 20 more days and maybe early May after our next coparenting counseling session. So do I file in early May before we tell the kids about his girlfriend and before we are ready for the kids to spend the night at his/girlfriends house (we agreed in coparenting counseling that would start introducing kids to girlfriend in June after school is out and then overnights at his house start in late June/early July) or do I wait and file in early July since we won't be following the parenting plan exactly before then since that is when he'll start having the kids overnight?

WDYT?

[tiramisu]

I think this is hard to answer and would be good to run by your lawyer. I'm sorry for everything you're going through.

For me, I would prefer to get things over and done with so that it's not sitting out there just waiting and weighing on me, but I don't know if that choice is the best one from a legal perspective.

[cleo29]

I don't know as to the legal matters, but i think it would be wise to give the kids some more buffer time between being told that their dad has a girlfriend and then having to hang out with her on overnights. i think that would be a lot. how old are they? What is their awareness of your situation?

I think I would have most of the paperwork ready and perhaps wait for that may session and see what, if any advice there is.

[dragon's breath]

Is there child support involved? Does your state make it retro-active to the time of separation? Is he paying a fair share of their expenses right now? Answers to that would play in my decision.

[doriswe]

Said with love, but what in the hell is the rush for your kids to meet/spend time with a new SO?

[spindle92]

Apr 9, 2019 20:10:16 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Said with love, but what in the hell is the rush for your kids to meet/spend time with a new SO?

This is my question to.

Unless your kids are grown adults I think they need more time, but that is just my opinion.

[downtoearth]

Apr 9, 2019 19:52:48 GMT -5 dragon's breath said:

Is there child support involved? Does your state make it retro-active to the time of separation? Is he paying a fair share of their expenses right now? Answers to that would play in my decision.

There will probably be a small amount of child support ($500-$600/month) and then he will pay just over half of their afterschool/summer activities (60/40). Right now he is paying more to me per month than what will be ordered. He is also still helping with house costs here and there. But I don't know about retro-active separation. We both are a little strapped for $$ since when we separated we also had a rental house vacant and are now trying to sell that and the costs to get that ready depleted us quite a bit, but we also will have a good profit to split. That is another complicating factor since it's only been on the market less than a week, so we probably have 30-40 days to sell and then 20-30 after that to close?

[downtoearth]

cleo29 doriswe and spindle92, I am not in a hurry - hell, I'd just as well keep the kids and stick to our current schedule where he hangs out with the kids for two weekdays and then one weekend day each week and they sleep at my house in their own beds every night. It's pretty ideal right now for me, kid-wise, but I also am worried that it's not good for the boys or me to have some transition to alone time without them.

I also understand STBXH's point that he wants overnight time with the kids and hasn't had that in 3 months (since I told him to leave and he and his girlfriend got a house together). We talked with our coparenting counselor and she suggested about 6 months until kids slept at his house with his girlfriend. That is early July, so we tentatively thought that after school is out (the second week of June) he could introduce kids to his girlfriend slowly with short activities with her, then maybe have the kids sleep over and have her stay at an uncles house the a bit... I really don't know how this is supposed to go. I am also not directing that part - it's on him to read our kids and slowly adjust them to time with her - or not.

I am working on trying to give them the grace to pretend in front of the kids that this is ok and normal, but I also won't lie to the kids if they ask when they got together (no worries that I'll tell them details or exact dates, just "before, while dad and I were still married"). The older kids know I'm hurt and trying to heal and will probably connect the timing pretty quickly, but I don't know how they will deal with it. The older kids will remember her and know her (she is one of STBX's coworkers that the kids have hung out around). I just don't want to mess up the kids by not having divorce filed before they start hanging out with dad and his girlfriend, but I also don't want to rush it if I feel like I need to adjust the parenting plan after kids do get a wider view of the issues.

My lawyer says I can do it either way - file in May or wait until summer after the parenting is more typical of our plan. Our co-parenting counselor says she hasn't seen very many affairs where the couples move in so quickly after separation, so she felt the 6 months was appropriate and that we could talk about it in a few weeks. I live in a smallish town and already have had to leave the gym and redirect the kids elsewhere when walking downtown when I saw the two of them together, so it seems that it's inevitable that we'll run into each other.

So... too much, huh? Any advice with new info? I basically am directing the divorce, financials, and parenting plan, so I don't feel bullied or pressure, just wonder if it's better to file or wait in my situation.

[dragon's breath]

Personally, I would file asap. Part of my reasoning is that he seems to be cooperating now. However, other people's actions are unpredictable. She obviously has influence over him, and the longer it goes, the more influence she will have. You have no idea what she is pushing him to do behind the scenes, or how he may decide that something "isn't fair". The no-pressure, no-bullying could change in a flash. If you're happy with the agreement now, I'd file before anyone else starts thinking too hard about it and has the chance to stop progress.

Is there a way to put in there "official parenting plan to begin x date" with an intermediate parenting plan to cover the next few months? Because child supports are often based on the parenting plan, I know it may not be possible.

I went through a "computer glitch" that erased the fact that I covered medical insurance, and also erased the daycare expenses, shorting my child support by around $400/month. Paperwork had already been signed, so, even though I would have been financially better off, I pushed it through because I wanted to avoid any push back over the agreement and just wanted to get it done before he could make it difficult. Different situation, but I couldn't afford to give him time to allow his parents and his girlfriend to convince him to "fight harder for himself" when he was already getting a pretty good deal.

[mags]

How old are your children?

This whole staying over at GFs so fast would be 100% no go for me. It is way too soon, and it should happen slow and gradual, not from your house to hers in a snap of a finger...nope. never not happening.

[cleo29]

downtoearth, But are the kids aware that she exists? I mean, imagine if you were told, "Surprise, I have a girlfriend!" and then days later, "Surprise, she lives with me!". And I would not trust your husbands judgement on this at all. Because he has his own desire to have the kids over and that might cloud him seeing how they really react and handle this woman. I think you will have to give your input on what you see with your kids after spending time with them.

So, my advice would be to give them as much time to sit with her existence before having them stay with her overnight. This is one area of the divorce process where the needs of your kids and what they can really handle is above that of the parent (not you, I am talking about your stbxh) And frankly, maybe he wants them overnight, but perhaps his wants are not what is important here.

Give them the time and respect to have this information for longer than a week or two before they have to essentially live with the woman. Let them process things. You two have been doing that for months, give them that courtesy too.

Biggest of hugs to you, I can't imagine the emotions that comes with this and you are handling it with grace.

[doriswe]

I'm not caffeinated enough, so if I'm missing pieces, I apologize. So STBXH is no longer in the house and the kids know this, yes? So I'm confused why there's a question on when to file. If he's already gone, filing now or later really doesn't matter, does it? I would strongly advise you advocate for a longer period of time before the gf is in the picture. If this is a forever thing, what's a few months of waiting, kwim?

[cleo29]

Apr 10, 2019 8:15:26 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I'm not caffeinated enough, so if I'm missing pieces, I apologize. So STBXH is no longer in the house and the kids know this, yes? So I'm confused why there's a question on when to file. If he's already gone, filing now or later really doesn't matter, does it? I would strongly advise you advocate for a longer period of time before the gf is in the picture. If this is a forever thing, what's a few months of waiting, kwim?

I feel like part of this is about when the girlfriend will be brought into the picture and perhaps fear of filing early or now will speed that up despite what they agreed to.

downtoearth, other than agreed to introduce them, I am not sure on a hard date on when they can do overnights with her there will be good because you just don't know how the kids are going to react. I really think this needs an approach of seeing how they are doing before taking the next step.

[tiramisu]

One thing I've seen is that parenting plans and custody arrangements can be changed, even after a divorce is final. You potentially could be able to proceed now with the intermediate parenting plan and a plan targeting when and how things will change, but I'm not sure how those are written.

I do like the idea of filing sooner, while he's still cooperative. If there end up being delays with introducing the kids to the girlfriend (ugh) or having them for overnights, it's possible he could become uncooperative and push for things to be very different than they are now.

[jigsy]

I didn't have kids, so I can't speak to that personally - but from what you have shared, I am not really seeing a reason for waiting to finalize. You can add in all the stipulations you need for the rental house in the event that it isn't sold prior to finalization.

[downtoearth]

Thanks for all the advice. The good news is the rental house we're selling just got a offer and we'll have that (hopefully - knock on wood) finalized by early May). So I think I'll get all this together and file right then. I will consult with the lawyer about the parenting plan being different than current, and maybe she can probably put a stipulation that the parenting plan will go into full effect later... maybe by the start of the school year next year, which gives us time to help the kids adjust and see how things are going.