Conscious Uncoupling

[cleo29]

So, I know when i first heard this term from Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, I giggled and rolled my eyes. I don't know, i guess it just sounds sort of woo woo, new agey thing. But, I found the book in the library and honestly, it is the first book I have read about divorce that does not make me want to turn into a puddle of despair.  Stbx and I are not in a bad place, so maybe that helps, but I love that the point in it is trying to find a way to take the sting and the stigma out of divorce, or really any serious relationship ending and that it does not have to go badly.

I thought i would share for those who might not be in a contentious fall out or maybe just want to read something that gives hope to what awaits on the other side of this process. I need hope. My anxiety has been through the roof and I need something that tells me, "This does not have to be the end of the world."

Also, it is an easy read and not dry at all.

Oh and while I am sharing, the only other self-help type book that i have ever read and actually enjoyed was To Begin Again written by Naomi Levy, a female Rabbi.   Again, I found it not dry and boring, but helpful and some quotes have stayed with me even 20 years later. "Let me not die while I am still alive." 

www.barnesandnoble.com/w/to-begin-again-naomi-levy/1100289877

[bullygirl979]

Hugs. Please have hope. I PROMISE that things will get better. I know it's easy to question how that can even happen but one day it will hurt less. And another day it will lessen more. Eventually you will get to a point where you take a deep breath and know that you are okay.

Also, I know you referenced some article or book that essentially made it look like if your marriage fails you're doomed to never have a successful relationship. Again, I say that is horsesh*t. If you seriously look inward and learn from this, you can absolutely take your experiences and have a wonderful, loving, successful relationship.

[downtoearth]

My friend is loving it and she has found herself a counselor/coach for it. Another friend just started it on my recommendation. They both are instigating their divorces and have been to counseling and worked on their marriages for years before this.

I read that book and it's not for me since I was actively being deceived, however, I don't deny that we weren't perfect and I had issues that I was working on - I just didn't realize that my "issues" that I felt responsibility for were inconsequential based on how our marriage erupted (and we didn't have sex and connection issues like 90% of the time). That being said, I think the book didn't work for me b/c I still have hope and get along really well with my STBXH - I mean we weren't really angry and fighting before his affair, so we don't have the heal the same resentments that my girlfriends who had worked on issues for years. The best part of the book is the hope aspect - you can do the work to have great relationships in the future. But I also realize that you also have a lot of work to make sure kids don't repeat your issues, STBX and I aren't from divorced families so that part does seem daunting to be the first in a familial line of relationships who have to try to model loving relationships after marriage, and the statistics are crazy negative, but that doesn't mean there aren't good models out there to heal the kiddos.

[cleo29]

downtoearth, the message I like is that all relationships ending does not have to be bad. i think this is far more challenging when there has been a huge breach of trust or deception on the part of one or both spouses. But, in my case, it is a matter of feelings no longer being there and a feeling that they cannot be recaptured and that perhaps, something has always been missing. I do think we were never completely sexually compatible.

There are few divorces on my mom's side of the family and my dad's too, which adds a layer of guilt for me. But, i like the idea of hope and I have realized we can make this how we want it to be. We don't have to be bitter and fighting. We can make this better for our girls.