Advice for a new coparent...kids and other houses?

[downtoearth]

So. How do you do with sending kids back and forth and the excitement they have for the other house and wanting to talk about it? 

We haven't sent kids back and forth yet since we are waiting until almost the end of the school year to let the kids know that STBX is living with his girlfriend/coworker, but will start in a few weeks. They know that in June they will see their dad's house and start going over there, and that they'll start sleeping over there in July.

I am usually ok with the idea, but the reality of not having the kids in the house with me 1/2 time is gut wrenching still. Also it's tough to see the excitement that my youngest is feeling about setting up a new room and seeing his dad's house. He talks to me about it and I'm not sure how to respond. Do you just say detached things like, "Yeah, it will be exciting for you to see where dad lives and to make a room there." or "Great. Glad you are excited." without much emotion? That's my tact so far. I'm not excited and I'm pissed and hurt, but I can't let the kids know that. I hate feeling sort of mad at my own kids, but I have to keep reminding myself that the relationship that hurt me was between my STBX and me and not the kids... so they have to form their own relationship, right? Is it wrong to say things like, "I am glad you're excited, but I'm really going to miss having you in the house." Too much baggage for kids, right? Can I send them with a picture of each of us together to have there in their room? STBX is ok with that, but is that too pushy and I should wait for them to ask for that? (They are 6, 10, and 12 - will be going into 1st, 5th, and 8th in a few weeks)

Ugh. Any advice on making it easier or coping mechanisms other than deep breaths (which I do all the time now)?

[bullygirl979]

So, I don't have kids so take all this with a grain of salt. You hit the nail on the head when you said that the hurt you feel is not the hurt they feel. As much as it hurts, they still love their dad, which is a good thing for them. I think it's okay to tell them you will miss them, but I would be wary of laying it on thick (for lack of a better term) or making them feel bad about being excited. As much as it sucks, I would think it's good for them to be excited. Their little brains can't process complex emotions like we can. So do you need to throw a parade or be SUPER enthusiastic about it? No. But I also wouldn't visibly show my unhappiness about it. And yes, I think it would be MORE than appropriate to give them a picture of the two of you for their rooms. Maybe you can wrap them up and make it a gift for when it's time? They WILL miss you when they are there. I promise. I know it's hard to feel their excitement but I think it is also just new for them, which is exciting in itself.

Hugs. I can't imagine how this must feel. As for coping mechanisms, I would think that journaling may help.

[cleo29]

My girls went to their dad's this past weekend. IT was better than i was fearing, though honestly, if he was living with the other woman, I would have been gutted. I don't want that woman anywhere near my kids ever again. Don't kill yourself over this, but I would try to sound excited for them.

I would ask them about the pictures. I am taking down pictures of H and me together, but i asked C if she wanted some and she said yes.

And I would just say i will miss you. I told K I missed her hugs and kisses all weekend so she had to give me extra last night and it made her laugh.

Just remember it won't be better over there and the reality of this woman with their dad will hit them and it most likely will not be easy. Right now focusing on a new room to decorate is easier than thinking about the rest. So, this might end up being tougher for them too, no matter how they seem now.

Hugs, I know this is hard. It is all shit.

[downtoearth]

Thanks - this shit is hard and it's hard not to think it's going to be better over there. I am trying to be excited and helpful for the kids, but today is a tough one (see CEP randoms about my condolence stove/oven that STBX is giving me as a consolation prize in lieu of 9 months+ of respect).

I also don't want the kids to feel like I condone what their dad did/is doing, so it's such a fine-line between not showing them my hurt/anger and also acting like their dad deserves my friendship/compassion. I also don't want to be the one to tell my youngest, who is excited to see the other house, that he is going to be sharing a room with a 2 (almost 3) year old girl whom he's never met. So I just have to pretend not to know much about what the new house might be like and help him plan while I choke back tears.

I also removed all the pictures of H and I - the night that it all happened. It felt so good at the time. I have kept up two pictures of H and the kids together, but I am looking for replacements (of course I have none of the kids and I that are not selfies). I talked to the kids about pictures awhile ago - to explain that I'd be changing out, but they can have any they want in their room. I just feel weird forcing some pictures on them for the other house if they don't ask first. Should I offer, still. Maybe they will just want to keep lives separate, and I will just accept that as another thing I do to keep grace and peace in their lives? Guess I need to just wait and see and not try to anticipate things, huh? I know I need to work on that.

[cleo29]

May 20, 2019 15:21:48 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Thanks - this shit is hard and it's hard not to think it's going to be better over there. I am trying to be excited and helpful for the kids, but today is a tough one (see CEP randoms about my condolence stove/oven that STBX is giving me as a consolation prize in lieu of 9 months+ of respect).

I also don't want the kids to feel like I condone what their dad did/is doing, so it's such a fine-line between not showing them my hurt/anger and also acting like their dad deserves my friendship/compassion. I also don't want to be the one to tell my youngest, who is excited to see the other house, that he is going to be sharing a room with a 2 (almost 3) year old girl whom he's never met. So I just have to pretend not to know much about what the new house might be like and help him plan while I choke back tears.

I also removed all the pictures of H and I - the night that it all happened. It felt so good at the time. I have kept up two pictures of H and the kids together, but I am looking for replacements (of course I have none of the kids and I that are not selfies). I talked to the kids about pictures awhile ago - to explain that I'd be changing out, but they can have any they want in their room. I just feel weird forcing some pictures on them for the other house if they don't ask first. Should I offer, still. Maybe they will just want to keep lives separate, and I will just accept that as another thing I do to keep grace and peace in their lives? Guess I need to just wait and see and not try to anticipate things, huh? I know I need to work on that.

umm, when do they plan to let him know that he is sharing a room? with a stranger? I swear your xh and his girlfriend sound like selfish jerks. Which, I have already realized has to be there for a person to cheat, the selfish part. You are not concerned about anything but how you feel, what you want, etc.

[bullygirl979]

May 20, 2019 16:16:53 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

May 20, 2019 15:21:48 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Thanks - this shit is hard and it's hard not to think it's going to be better over there. I am trying to be excited and helpful for the kids, but today is a tough one (see CEP randoms about my condolence stove/oven that STBX is giving me as a consolation prize in lieu of 9 months+ of respect).

I also don't want the kids to feel like I condone what their dad did/is doing, so it's such a fine-line between not showing them my hurt/anger and also acting like their dad deserves my friendship/compassion. I also don't want to be the one to tell my youngest, who is excited to see the other house, that he is going to be sharing a room with a 2 (almost 3) year old girl whom he's never met. So I just have to pretend not to know much about what the new house might be like and help him plan while I choke back tears.

I also removed all the pictures of H and I - the night that it all happened. It felt so good at the time. I have kept up two pictures of H and the kids together, but I am looking for replacements (of course I have none of the kids and I that are not selfies). I talked to the kids about pictures awhile ago - to explain that I'd be changing out, but they can have any they want in their room. I just feel weird forcing some pictures on them for the other house if they don't ask first. Should I offer, still. Maybe they will just want to keep lives separate, and I will just accept that as another thing I do to keep grace and peace in their lives? Guess I need to just wait and see and not try to anticipate things, huh? I know I need to work on that.

umm, when do they plan to let him know that he is sharing a room? with a stranger? I swear your xh and his girlfriend sound like selfish jerks. Which, I have already realized has to be there for a person to cheat, the selfish part. You are not concerned about anything but how you feel, what you want, etc.

Why are you the one telling him he has to share a room? If it's XH's house, I would think that would fall to him.

[mags]

First of all it's great that you are so mature in dealing with your kids. You are 100% right this is between your X and you, not them. It is so very hard to act mature when you are heartbroken! I give you much credit.

The 1st time they go will be the hardest. But, be honest with them, tell them you will miss them a lot but you want them to have a great time. Make plans for yourself that weekend. Do things you cant normally do with the kids around. Get a pedi, make lunch plans, take a bath, read a book. I know it may seem rash but you will start to enjoy the alone time eventually.

Always be honest with them but keep your hurt and anger out of it, they are way more insightful than we give them credit for.

[downtoearth]

May 21, 2019 7:46:48 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

May 20, 2019 16:16:53 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

umm, when do they plan to let him know that he is sharing a room? with a stranger? I swear your xh and his girlfriend sound like selfish jerks. Which, I have already realized has to be there for a person to cheat, the selfish part. You are not concerned about anything but how you feel, what you want, etc.

Why are you the one telling him he has to share a room? If it's XH's house, I would think that would fall to him.

Oh, I'm not. STBXH avoids directly addressing things with kids, but they are pretty observant. I think we tell the kids about the girlfriend and STBX living together first - next week likely.  And yes, we are doing that together, but he is planning on doing most of the talking. I am just supposed to be there for support for the kids (co-parenting counselor helped us with talking about transition and changes with them so they aren't so shocked).  But as soon as the kids step in the house and get a tour, they'll realize that there is one room for STBX and GF, one room for our older boys to share, and one room that already has toddler girl's bed and toys/clothes. So I am hoping that STBXH will be honest with them before that shock, but if not, it's not on me to tell them or prepare them.

[chchchia]

My ex and his now wife who was my former neighbor moved out of their respective houses at the same time and in with each other and thought our kids were stupid enough to actually believe they were friends. Her child was too young. Hint, kids aren't stupid. They didn't even tell the kids when they were getting married.
3 years later and 2 years post divorce it is still not easy I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't warm my heart when they say home is where they live and the other place is their dad's house. I love it.
It hurts, try asking generic questions. I have found that helps me most in the pain department. My counselor told me to ask bc that is a part of their life and they want to share and they do. You are still gonna hear shit that you don't want to.
It's not on you to tell them, but someone has to tell them and if you know he won't you should. The kids have been through enough shock, this should not be another one even if it is his responsibility. I know it sucks but the kids don't deserve it.

[cleo29]

downtoearth, My advice is they need to know who all is living in that house and the sleeping arrangements before they walk in the door. no one wants to be blindsided and that is what will happen. Kids need to be given the same respect in that department. Honesty, on terms good for them, and time to get that information and process it rather than be surprised.

I am sorry for all of this. Just want to send you a big ol' hug.

[downtoearth]

chchchia , Can I ask how old your kids were at that time? Just curious. I think this is similar b/c her 2 year old started living with them 1/2 time right away back in January, so it's very different for a small child who doesn't really remember or know their parents together compared to a 7th grader.

I'm struggling with not wanting to offer-up too much info, but also having very different aged kids (K to 7th grade) who have different needs for information and also my boys don't ask too many questions, but are struggling a little (like will ask weeks after I think I already explained or will talk to a grandparent or counselor, but not STBX or I). I just want them to feel comfortable talking about and being themselves in both spaces, and so I like your advice about asking about things that are important to them when with their dad.

cleo29 , good point on knowing who they are going to be living with. Even if they don't meet K's daughter right away, and first hang out with STBX and K, it is their right to understand who they will eventually be living with.

You guys really are a wealth of understanding and knowledge - thanks to everyone!

[chchchia]

May 21, 2019 16:28:11 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

chchchia , Can I ask how old your kids were at that time? Just curious. I think this is similar b/c her 2 year old started living with them 1/2 time right away back in January, so it's very different for a small child who doesn't really remember or know their parents together compared to a 7th grader.

I'm struggling with not wanting to offer-up too much info, but also having very different aged kids (K to 7th grade) who have different needs for information and also my boys don't ask too many questions, but are struggling a little (like will ask weeks after I think I already explained or will talk to a grandparent or counselor, but not STBX or I). I just want them to feel comfortable talking about and being themselves in both spaces, and so I like your advice about asking about things that are important to them when with their dad.

cleo29 , good point on knowing who they are going to be living with. Even if they don't meet K's daughter right away, and first hang out with STBX and K, it is their right to understand who they will eventually be living with.

You guys really are a wealth of understanding and knowledge - thanks to everyone!

Very much so. Her child was 2 as well. Mine were 5,6 and 9 and 10 and my eldest (not his bio) was 18.
I got them to counseling ASAP. I have to say my now 6th grader is angry. He puts up a fight going to his fathers.
It sucks big fat hairy balls. I was not sad for the end of my marriage but damned if I didn’t mourn it for my kids. I hate this for them but I do know our house is a much better house without him in it.