Almost divorced - Update #2 - Progress!!

[downtoearth]

I am really hoping that we can finalize paperwork and sign our divorce papers and coparenting plan early next week. My lawyer has drafted and it looks reasonable and complete to me, STBX has said the financials that I submitted to my lawyer are reasonable (even if they favor me for child support) and has previously agreed to the coparenting plan (as I wrote it, not in legal-speak). He is willing to meet with me and the lawyer next week to review (and hopefully then sign right then or the next day). Then it just takes about a week to get in front of the judge and both agree that we agree and then it can be over.

I feel like this is too easy and non-combative and am nervous that all will fall out at the end here. Is that common to feel?

Aside from getting that finality and feeling super emotional, anything I should expect with this step that you wished you had know? I know I'm going to probably cry in court or after b/c I'm still mourning what I thought I had 6 months ago, but I also don't regret my decisions.

Update: So... he looked over the financials and he is soooo upset and swearing at my over facetime. I guess he thought I would wave child support and not have them calculate. He makes about 58% of our salary and I make 42%, so of course going from a two income house and covering all kid bills is way more expensive now with one salary at <50%. I guess that he thought we would just not have child support calculated and I'd waive it. Now he is trying to say that I need to work more or he is going to go down to 30 hours per week so he doesn't have to pay. But he also wants to revisit the other financial stuff like that I valued his vintage VW van too high and such. His girlfriend and XH waived calculating child support and so he assume I would (they were together like 5 years with one 2 yr old, but we were together 23 years with 3 kids). It's not the same. He's sending some updated expenses info to help with the calculation, but I don't think it's going to go down to nothing, maybe by about a $100/month, but I also am not sure what he's thinking.

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UPDATE #2 (7/16/19) - We agreed on financials and all divorce paperwork is drafted. I have not reviewed everything again yet today, but my lawyer sent it over. We have a time on Thursday set to both meet at my lawyer's office and sign so she can notarize. Then it's filed with the county and we go to the judge the following week (I hope) for finalization. I can't believe it's been 6 months, and will not even be 7, between us sending out Christmas cards that I never questioned were faking a happy life b/c I was happy with my husband of 13 years (partner of 22+ yrs) and divorce finalized. It's even more odd to me that right before New Year and just a handful of days before chaos, we were on a date planning a trip to Europe for 2019 and planning to sell our first home to finance buying land and a cabin, but now we're not really even talking to each other, just getting logistics about kids to each other. Life, huh?

[tiramisu]

Be prepared for going in front of the judge to be scary and intimidating. Also, for all different kinds of feelings to flood through you during and after. None of the feelings are wrong. Hopefully it all will go as smoothly as possible, I'll be keeping my metaphorical fingers crossed for you.

For me, by the time it got to that point, most of what I felt was relief. Aside from being intimidated by the judge.

[mags]

Hopefully things will go off without a hitch. My divorce was similar, we had everything worked out before and it stayed that way. I cried in court. However, when I walked out I felt FREE! Having all that over with we could both move on and the kids and I could get used to a new normal.

You emotions will be a rollercoaster for a while

[downtoearth]

So - I think there is some part of the child support calculations that assumes that you can and will work "full time" so full time for my work starts at 30 hours per week, but my lawyer might have to assume that I can work 40. My employer will not take me back for a guaranteed 10 more hours, so I'm stuck in a place where they are going to use hypothetical money that I don't have to calculate child support. I'm so very tired of this - we would be very equal/similar if you assumed I was 40 hours per week, but I'm also at the top of my career trajectory (likely) and he is still getting raises and increases (bonuses and employee stock options). So he will just keep making more and I'm pretty stagnant for the next 15 years, I'm guessing.

Ugh. It just isn't what I wanted to spend 20 years making more than him and building my career only to have my career plateau while he lucks into a career with upward mobility that I was supposed to benefit from after being the primary breadwinner for our 20's and 30's. Another thing that makes it easier for me to be less enamored with him.

[cleo29]

Can you get anything in writing from your boss about 40 hours not being something promised to you? I think anything you can do on your end to emphasize this is good.

Why do people have to turn into such assholes when it comes to supporting their kids? I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

How are the kids doing going to his place and meeting the GF?

[downtoearth]

Jul 1, 2019 15:46:22 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Can you get anything in writing from your boss about 40 hours not being something promised to you? I think anything you can do on your end to emphasize this is good.

Why do people have to turn into such assholes when it comes to supporting their kids? I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

How are the kids doing going to his place and meeting the GF?

Sorry - WOT below.

Long story short - yes, kids are doing fine with the transition, and are getting to know STBX's GF - they do everything together, which annoys me b/c STBX said he would spend time with just our kids, but not my place and so she is there for every moment. I get to hear about her and her daughter from my youngest the most. He is chatty and least affected (6 yrs old). The older two talk more about what they do there, but not about GF or daughter much.

Long response:

My lawyer looked into the statue and since my company considers me an FTE, I don't need to use a 40-hr a week equivalent, but our finances are not equal really since he is now resisting other financials (house and our respective retirement)... all because the state calculation of child support was a surprise to him. He is trying to renegotiate everything since he is "reticent to pay child support," which is disappointing to me b/c I had been clear that I was going to child support AND slightly unequal finances. He just hadn't looked over the drafts of finances I sent him b/c he was avoiding the issues... one of his big things is avoiding unpleasant conflict or discussions. So he has seen the placeholder part of "Potential Child Support" in the draft paperwork for 3 months, but ignored it. Instead of paying child support he wants to pay more than half of the kids activities/child care/medical expenses. That is so unpredictable and so far he hasn't paid me a dime for childcare/camps this summer or for the co-pays for the kids medical (or their medications) in the last 2 months, so I sort of know that getting him to pay will be a pain in the ass and a lot of work for me most of the time to get them signed up/paid and then get his reimbursement.

Honestly, kids seem to be doing fine, which is a relief and a source of sadness for me. That's a testament to our parenting that our kids know we aren't going to let them down. They still feel more at home at our house and less at home at dad's house, but that should change since their dad is buying a house and closing in about 20 days. They will be moving in at the same time as H and girlfriend, so maybe it will feel like they are making it the kids' home more than moving kids into their home. I am also glad that I didn't damage them (yet) and that STBX is not disengaged. I like to remind the kids that marriage is tough, but divorce is harder. I want them to come out knowing that conflict I just part of life and getting through conflict and issues is just part of life. I hope they see this - they also saw STBX yelling at my over facetime (with his girlfriend chiming in from the background) when he reviewed our financials, and I was calm and put up boundaries that we can discuss if he is calm and ready, but not while he needs time to vent. So at least I am healed enough to know that I don't have to cry or yell to discuss things, I can be honest and true to me while negotiating how to get out of this marriage.

As soon as we told the kids, STBX and his girlfriend started showing up all over town at all "our" regular places that they had been avoiding. So in one week, I ran into them about 5 times... 3 times when I had kids with me. It hurts to have to see them almost every day of a week. I don't want him back, I just don't want to feel like he and his girlfriend get off with no repercussions at all - and are just a happy, drinking couple holding hands in my face. It sucks to be "replaced" so quickly - they are in places, VW van, and with friends that were "ours" and now aren't mine anymore. I am avoiding places that I have always taken the kids or hung out with friends in order to protect myself from having to see them. So kids are doing well, but I am moving into anger more and pissed.

[downtoearth]

cleo29, Oh and are you still visiting MIL/on vacation? How is it going?

[cleo29]

downtoearth, It went well. It was sad, but also good to see her. The scary part is we are now realizing her mother most likely had ALS, but she developed it in her early 80s. Now, his mom and her brother started in their early to mid 70s and so, if H or any of his siblings carry the gene, they would most likely start to show signs in their 60s. This is studied with familial, that with each generation it tends to show earlier than the previous. It is so fucking scary and I am praying with all that i have that he does not have the gene. I am very scared.

But other than that, and our car breaking down on our way out there, it was a good visit, thank you for asking.

[statlerwaldorf]

It is so hard, but I promise it gets easier. I don’t feel any anger anymore, but when I was in the thick of it it felt like I was going to be angry forever.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the child support calculation. XH tried to get around paying child support too, but at least in my area there is a pretty rigid calculation they stick to and not much room for negotiation. I prefer child support as trying to get enforcement when they aren’t paying their share of those type of expenses has been expensive and time consuming. I’d rather have childcare factored into the child support calculation than relying on someone who has already shown they aren’t going to pay their half in a timely manner.

[downtoearth]

cleo29, and your car broke down? I know this is off topic, but is your H going to get tested for the gene? Glad there wasn't major separation stress on top of that tough visit.

[cleo29]

Jul 8, 2019 11:43:33 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

cleo29 , and your car broke down? I know this is off topic, but is your H going to get tested for the gene? Glad there wasn't major separation stress on top of that tough visit.

yes, my alternator died. I have not had good luck with them in my hondas.

H is getting screened, his mom (a GP) was able to do the blood draw, amazingly enough, and it is off to a study he is in at The University of Miami. They are trying to develop gene blockers, but also understand why some develop it and some do not trying to understand what the catalyst  might be. They do know that with each generation it tends to present earlier and earlier. We are now nearly positive his grandmother had it in her early/mid 80s, now his uncle and mom developed it in their early/mid 70s, so it stands to reason that H and/or his sisters could develop it in their 60s. It is utterly terrifying.

[downtoearth]

Update in post above - added that it's finally happening.