Postpartum mental health check in

[gastro]

I know a few of us have had babies in the recent months. How are you holding up?

I’ve been doing okay but today it just sort hit me today - how am I going to get the kids to school on time with a baby who wants to nurse all.the.time. I also am not able to give much attention to DS2 who desperately wants it. I know it gets easier but I’m exhausted and overwhelmed.

[Susie]

I’m doing so much better this time than postpartum with my first. I think it’s a combination of a lot of things: it’s summer so I can go outside, I am a more confident mom this time, I’m sleeping more partly because DS is a better sleeper and partly because I’m asking H for more help at night, and I’m not dealing with the emotional bender/hangover of my mom’s last months (she died of ovarian cancer the weekend of DD’s baptism, when she was 5m). I’m in a much better place now, and this more positive experience is actually helping me move past some of the memories of last time in a way that time alone wasn’t fixing.

I still get disproportionately frustrated when DS has bad days, like the other day when he just. wouldn’t. sleep. and I spent basically all day in his nursery nursing and rocking. I get almost frantic to get him down so I can move and take a breath. I’m starting to use the lillebaby so the two don’t have to be so mutually exclusive.

I also struggle a little with resenting H, who took all of 1.5 day off after DS was born, and otherwise hasn’t had to feel much change. Meanwhile I just did a pregnancy, a labor, a postpartum recovery, a maternity leave from my career, near sole responsibility for DS’ newborn care, and am EBFing/pumping. My life turned upside down. I told him that he had enough time banked, and I’d like him to take a little of it to bond with DS and to give me a 2nd pair of hands for certain times. I had in mind maybe some afternoons here and there, and maybe the times when I had appointments, eg this week I have appointments with my OB, PCP, and hair stylist (last one is obv most critical, lol). Nope. He’s talking 3 days in a row when DS is almost 8 weeks (ie easier), and I’m on my own for the doctor appts. He agreed to hold DS while I get a haircut if I rescheduled for a different time and picked him up. Sigh. He also hasn’t shown any initiative re: the vasectomy that he previously swore made the most sense for long term BC. I am ready for him to take something for the team here.

But now that I am done venting, I’m pretty happy with where our family is, and I feel pretty lucky.

[hamster]

Today? Not so great. In general I'd say I'm hanging in there but I also feel like PPD probably lurks closer to the surface than I would like.

I'm tired, of course. And I hate breastfeeding, so spending 2 hours a day doing it sucks. I'm resentful that H gets to stay in bed all night with ear plugs in and I get 4-5 hours of broken sleep. I'm pretty salty about a (unrelated) conversation we had last night, but don't have anything actually constructive to say in response so I'm biting my tongue for now. I hate how I can get literally nothing done. I tried to just take a nap and D decided he didnt want one just as I was almost asleep. 5 minutes later he is now asleep on my chest. I feel very short tempered in general.

But I do like that I have the confidence in what I'm doing the second time around, I know roughly when it will get better, and watching C be a big brother makes my heart explode. Really I'm just counting down until we hit the 6m mark around Thanksgiving.

[pooh8402]

much better this time than the first time. I was completely overwhelmed the first time, and my MIL has told me that in hindsight, I may have had PPD. this time, I've felt great mentally and physically. I do credit that with having more family support in my city (vs the first time, the closest family was 1.5 hours away) and generally having more confidence.

[namasteak]

Thanks for doing this!

I have so much help but I’m still struggling with pretty bad anxiety which makes me feel guilty because we have the help so that I didn’t struggle so much. That said I really don’t feel depressed just incredibly anxious. And I feel like a bad mom that I need the help to parent my kids. The big kids are thriving on the attention from family and our babysitter though.

I see a therapist once a week that specializes in pp women and has been very helpful (I saw her a few times at the end of my pregnancy). Because my anxiety is so bad she got me in quickly to see a psychiatrist that also specializes in pp women. Instead of 20mg of lexapro my OB put me on 50mg of Zoloft but psych doesn’t think that’s enough so I’m now trying 100mg of that with Xanax as needed.
I’ve never taken Xanax and am a little nervous to.

Formula feeding is still sensitive for me but I am able to see the enormous benefits it gives me. I get at least a 5 hour stretch of sleep 6 nights a week which is why I think I’m not depressed. My therapist and psych told me that 2 nights of 5 hours in a row helps increase seratonin production. Plus I can take the big kids out solo which we all enjoy. And it has been amazing to see DH enjoy and be so much more confident as a parent.

I was literally in therapy talking about my anxiety mostly manifesting about my family getting hurt when DH texted to tell me he was taking Ds1 (5yo) to urgent care 🤦🏻‍♀️ it was a pretty bad mouth injury (degloved his upper gum, had 3 teeth pulled from injury and cut inside of his lower lip).

[namasteak]

gastro I have no idea how I am going to do baby and get the other kids to school!

@suzie Totally sympathize with the frustration when baby is being difficult especially about sleep. That was such a struggle for us with the older 2 I automatically think that’s happening when Ds3 is just having a bad part of the day. Which then spirals into “omg how I can have a baby who doesn’t sleep and other kids and stay sane”.

hamster Could you get your H to take part of the night so you can sleep even just a 3 hour stretch? Even if you think it is mild PPD,
Please talk to your doctor about how you are feeling. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

[hamster]

namasteak, yeah, he could, though D needs to get a little less train wrecky with the bottle first. But thanks for the reminder, I'll give him a bottle at his next feed as a training opportunity.

[Patsy Baloney]

You know, I’m doing really well, a lot better than when I had my daughter 6 years ago. I go back to work next week, and I’m feeling good about that, though I will really miss being home.

I’m still being really hard on myself about my weight, but im thinking once I get back to work and stop having access to food 24/7, plus my lunchtime walks, I’ll be feeling a lot better about myself in no time.

Something that I have been finding stirs me up is when I start to do research about my son’s upcoming surgery. He was born with a cleft in his soft palate. It will be closed when he is 9-12 months old. We’ll probably have ear tubes placed at the same time, as he already has fluid on both ears, which is something we went through with his sister as well.

I know I can’t know what kind of challenges lie ahead. We didn’t know about his cleft until after he was born, and his team has been so great with us, getting him growing well, making sure he’s healthy and happy, and letting us know what’s coming. But man, I sure work myself up when I get to thinking about it.

We’re very fortunate - his cleft is contained to just his soft palate, it was discovered right away and his surgeon is very optimistic. But omg, first the guilt (did I do something wrong?) and then the worry (what if something goes wrong, what if his speech is severely impaired, what if what if what if). I’m trying to resolve to save my worry for appointments with his doctors and remind myself whatever will be will be. This is his/our challenge, and we are lucky to have the support to face it head on.

[lovelyshoes]

Thank you for doing this.

This time around I am more confident and I am really ignoring the outside chirping of unsolicited advice. It still bugs me though.
I love that it’s not cold and snowy, but the heat and humidity have prevented us from going outside the way I hoped to. I wish ds liked the car seat, it really prevents us from doing things that would make my life easier.
This time around I’m bf. I enjoy it for the lost part, but he is gaining enough so I have to pump and supplement and have no freezer reserve for when I go to work.
My h has taken on all the responsibilities for our oldest. It’s nice not to have to worry about that because originally I thought I’d be able to do a bunch of drop offs and pick ups. He is somewhat helpful with the baby, but I ebf, so that makes it harder. I will need more help once I go back to work. I hope we can figure out a good schedule when I do go back. That actually worries me a bit.
If the baby would gain weight better and sleep a bit better I would have no complaints. I’m kind of sad this is my last baby, but age and the sheer exhaustion of when he has bad days really solidifies that we are done.
I am going to have a hard time leaving him to go to work🙁

[moonriver]

Jul 17, 2019 17:03:08 GMT -5 hamster said:

namasteak, yeah, he could, though D needs to get a little less train wrecky with the bottle first. But thanks for the reminder, I'll give him a bottle at his next feed as a training opportunity.

I realize this doesn’t let you get much more sleep, but having your H go get the baby and bring him to you for you to feed, and then having your H be responsible for changing diaper and getting baby back to bed after nursing can be a great help. And, it might help you feel less resentment because at least he’d be helping.

I remember the days of being up all night and looking over to see my H sleeping through it all. It’s not easy.

[kellikans]

It's been tough. The other night I was in a low place when DD wanted to do nothing but eat from midnight to 3am. Eventually DH got up and took her from me. I find that I'm letting my mom (parents are visiting right now) take her pretty much all day. I miss just being with DS and playing with him, getting him up in the mornings, spending time with him alone. I know things will get better, but it's been really hard so far. DS was such a unicorn baby, hardly ever cried, was always so content, super chill (and still is), and DD is so so different. When my parents leave I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm a sahm 2 days a week (DS will go back to daycare when my parents are gone) and I have no idea how I'm going to take care of both of them by myself. I'm dreading it.

Feeding is still hard. She wants to eat constantly, but it's because she eats so little at a time. We've started supplementing with formula so that I can get a break, and it's the same thing. She just grazes all day long.

[Patsy Baloney]

I’m so sorry to see so many people struggling with feeding. It is so hard and too much responsibility for it is on mom’s shoulders.

Whatever you need to hear from me to support you, hear it. You can do it. You can keep breastfeeding. My hope for you is that it gets better and becomes something that is easy and enjoyable.

If you’re ready to quit, quit. Your bond will be strong, your baby will be happy and healthy.

If you’re like me and have been doing formula from the beginning, high five. We’ll keep going forward and helping our babies grow, no matter how shitty they are on the bottle.

[osulori]

I'm doing okay overall, for 3 weeks pp. I definitely feel more confident this time around, and I feel like I'm handling the lack of sleep better. Breastfeeding is going well aside from some lingering pain due to residual shallow latch nipple damage, but using nipple cream helps and so does making sure her latch is deeper. I'm pumping some and have started building up a bit of a stash so soon I'm going to start having J do an overnight bottle (with his work schedule and night owl tendencies that won't be an issue).

I think my biggest struggle has been worry about Z's weight gain. This is mostly due to my background as a feeding therapist and lactation counselor and not actually due to Z having weight gain issues...she's a slower gainer than AJ was but has been gaining steadily, plus she's acting satisfied and peeing/pooping appropriately so no actual grounds for concern. Just me being a crazy SLP I'm working on trying to calm my "omg what if xyz" side with my logical "okay, Lori...use your damn brain" side, which helps when I remember to do it.

[scm1011]

Jul 17, 2019 18:07:00 GMT -5 Patsy Baloney said:

I’m so sorry to see so many people struggling with feeding. It is so hard and too much responsibility for it is on mom’s shoulders.

Whatever you need to hear from me to support you, hear it. You can do it. You can keep breastfeeding. My hope for you is that it gets better and becomes something that is easy and enjoyable.

If you’re ready to quit, quit. Your bond will be strong, your baby will be happy and healthy.

If you’re like me and have been doing formula from the beginning, high five. We’ll keep going forward and helping our babies grow, no matter how shitty they are on the bottle.

This is so so true and worth repeating. With my first I put SO.MUCH.PRESSURE on myself to EBF for the first year and in hindsight it was so silly. I struggled a lot: DS had a poor latch, would often refuse the breast and work himself into a frenzy, I had severe anxiety about NIP., and I was barely sleeping because he nursed round the clock. I wish I hadn't put myself through that. With this baby, I told myself while pregnant this time that I would not. Thankfully nursing has been a completely different experience for me this time, but for those of you who are truly miserable - please don't torture yourself. It's not worth it. 

[scm1011]

I feel really good! DD is worlds easier than DS was, so I think that helps. I was kind of prepared for the worst again and have been pleasantly surprised. She sleeps better (although not great, I'm generally getting 2.5-3 hour stretches. It still beats the hourly feedings with DS), and nursing has been a completely different experience this time around. I had really bad PPA with DS and I haven't experienced that this time around, I think in part to being on meds and just being overall more confident.

I also have a mom BFF now too who has a baby 4 weeks older than DD (our older kids are also 4 weeks apart) and we hang out several times a week, which has been great. Situations like today, where we were in Nordstrom and DD had a blowout and lost it were funny instead of anxiety-inducing because she was with me to laugh it off and lend a hand. Mom friends are the best, and to those who are struggling I urge you to attend local groups and find your people!

[latte]

The last few days have been pretty rough. She has been scream crying, and we don’t know why. We thought it was gas, but I’m not so sure. She was given medicine for reflux at her 6 week check up last week and we will see how she does over the course of a month. I don’t know if it’s helping. I had thought it was, but then this crying started. I don’t know if she is having trouble with her formula or what? She is on hypoallergenic formula, so I don’t know what it could be.

Her sleep in the day time is so terrible. Yesterday her longest nap was 1 hour, but most were around 30-40 min and she only had 5 of them, the rest of the time she was miserable. She sleeps somewhat ok at night time, her first chunk being the longest and then each time after gets shorter and shorter. A few weeks ago, she was getting ready to eat again around 10:30, and H said he was going to sleep and I broke down crying. I was dreading the night. He took that feed and the next day rearranged his schedule so he can take the last wake up and he lets me sleep until at least 8:30. He works at home 60% of the time, so he can also take her every so often in the day. I am so lucky I have him, but I am still so tired. And because her naps are so short, there is no sleeping when she sleeps. I feel like I have failed her already as far as her sleep goes and I have no idea if we will ever see a night that she sleeps through. She stayed at my parents overnight when she was 5 weeks and it was nice! She will definitely be having an overnight again soon.

My in laws stress me out so much. I am growing to hate them, which isn’t good. And now my SIL tells us that they are planning a family trip to Mexico in January for MILs birthday and the in-laws Anniversary. Well we are going to try to have a baby pretty soon because we are getting older and DD is an IVF baby, so I am sure there will be trouble again. I don’t want to go to Mexico because of Zika (I checked with our fertility clinic and they said to avoid it) and I don’t want to take DD who won’t be able to have all her vaccinations yet. I am sure some people think this is over the top, but, no thank you. Plus, the fact it’s with the in laws, also makes me angry already. I know it will be a huge fight, but I don’t care. I told MH that the clinic said don’t go, and I will leave it until it comes up again. Ugh. That family is my biggest stress.

I also got my first post partum period. At least that’s what I think it is, but I am questioning it since it has been so light! There has been a couple days of spotting basically, a couple with clots, and only one day was what I’d consider a period. Everyone has always told me the first period is awful, so I don’t know if this is it or not.

[Patsy Baloney]

latte my first pp period was really light, too. I was not going to look a gift horse in the mouth!

[namasteak]

((( latte ))) her fussiness and sleep could be because of the 6 week growth spurt

[hamster]

Jul 17, 2019 19:19:46 GMT -5 namasteak said:

((( latte ))) her fussiness and sleep could be because of the 6 week growth spurt

Agreed. 6 weeks is the peak of fussiness, plus a growth spurt and a wonder week. It's hitting here too.

[cherryvalance]

DD turns 5 months old this weekend so I'm just here to remind you all that it does get easier and better.

My kids are 18 months apart and DD was diagnosed with colic at about 5 weeks old. It was brutal, but things progressed and now I love the days I'm home with them. There were times in the early days when I cried and really questioned whether we ruined everything by having a second, and now she completes our family.

[latte]

Jul 17, 2019 19:26:38 GMT -5 hamster said:

Jul 17, 2019 19:19:46 GMT -5 namasteak said:

((( latte ))) her fussiness and sleep could be because of the 6 week growth spurt

Agreed. 6 weeks is the peak of fussiness, plus a growth spurt and a wonder week. It's hitting here too.

I hope so! I feel so bad when she is screaming because it feels like she is just looking at me thinking “Why aren’t you helping me?” Poor girl. 😓

[hamster]

This also seems like a good place to mention C is getting his second set of molars, so we've got that going for us too.

[namasteak]

You guys, WE ARE AWESOME & WE CAN DO THIS!

[gastro]

Thank you all for sharing. This board and the one before have definitely helped me navigate motherhood. The advice, perspective, encouragement, and commiseration have kept me afloat more than once. You all are awesome.

[gastro]

Jul 17, 2019 19:43:23 GMT -5 namasteak said:

You guys, WE ARE AWESOME & WE CAN DO THIS!

Preach.

[namasteak]

Jul 17, 2019 21:18:41 GMT -5 gastro said:

Jul 17, 2019 19:43:23 GMT -5 namasteak said:

You guys, WE ARE AWESOME & WE CAN DO THIS!

Preach.

I literally wrote this on paper and put It on the side table in the nursery. I figured repeating and sharing it would help it sink in

[hamster]

Jul 17, 2019 21:18:22 GMT -5 gastro said:

Thank you all for sharing. This board and the one before have definitely helped me navigate motherhood. The advice, perspective, encouragement, and commiseration have kept me afloat more than once. You all are awesome.

I honest to God don't know how I would do it without you guys. Seriously.

[katespade]

I keep thinking that my anxiety/OCD has to start getting better at some point, and then it just keeps getting worse instead. The way I describe it to my H is that I feel like I'm constantly idling at an 8, so it only takes the littlest thing to push me over the edge and into a full blown panic attack. I'm such a mess.

[namasteak]

katespade are you getting help from a doctor? It really sucks to feel that way and I hope you feel better soon. That’s how I have been feeling and hope that I see improvement soon bc I changed meds.

[latte]

Jul 18, 2019 9:19:02 GMT -5 turbo said:

latte, refresh my memory - did you go full term (40w) with your DD? If not, you could also be going through her first developmental leap and that could account for both the fussiness and the short naps - do you have the Wonder weeks app on your phone? I think it can be so helpful, especially for first time parents, because it can give reasons for why the baby is fussy and reminds you it’s not forever. It might be worth the $3 for you to download it?

I didn’t, she was born at 38w 4d. I do have that and it says her next leap is in about 7 days. So, I don’t know. Hopefully it doesn’t last much longer!