Midweek Check-in...

[downtoearth]

How is everyone? This week is work juggling with hanging out with my sister and her kids who are in town for another few days. I want to vacation more instead of work, but have sooooo much to do. Bummer that I need paychecks and can't be semi-retired.

I was on vacation last week and it was great. I did no work (which is rare for me even on vacation). We attended a funeral, but it was a huge extended family celebration more than sad occasion since my uncle was 92 when he passed. Then traveled to another town to see a concert with my sisters. And finally spent time at a vacation rental and in a national park in the mountains. I ended up taking my new person (date) along on family vacation with my parents, sisters and their families, and my kiddos.  We had a ton of fun and we did everything from hikes to whitewater rafting to hanging out by the river to lawn games to hours of driving to sights and lake cruises. The kids had a blast with their cousins and we saw all sorts of wildlife including 4 black bears (one of which was a fuzzy brown baby).

It was oddly not awkward having my person there, and it's hard to explain why it wasn't awkward. We only really have dated for a couple weeks before this, and he was leaving the state, so to see him again, I spontaneously invited him on family vacation. I worry that it was too normal and wonderful - so much better than traveling with my family and my xH. I really like him, but it's only been 7 months since my separation, so I'm trying not to jump in too much. Kids had met him a couple months before since he is a tour actor with my sister and her friend... and I let them know we were dating, with no plans to move in or get more serious, so I think they sort of got it. But also they just really liked him b/c he's fun and talks to them directly about things they like. My family, including parents and sisters/BILs plus all those aunts/cousins/uncles at the funeral also really liked him and let me know (that was awkward).

Does anyone else with middle/elementary (1st grade to 8th grade) school kids have had the same experience where kids are totally unaffected when they meet (or vacation for a week) with a new date of yours? Is it because their dad, my XH, moved directly in with his girlfriend so they are already normalized to think that parents "dating" or sleeping in the same room as a date is fine? Any advice?

[neonpink]

downtoearth, I have no advice on the dating part but I do remember talking to a coworker once about his parents and when they moved on and it stuck with me. He said that it was so nice to finally see my parents happy that it just felt easier for everyone. He was a kid when his parents divorced. Maybe your kids are feeding of your vibes and that you feel better and happier.

Your vacation sounds like it was a good celebration of a life, family and hanging out. Those are the best times for me.

I've been crazy busy at work lately and life. Every weekend I have something going on and watching soccer/being a season ticket holder is almost a part time job. It's been fun and I've made a lot of new friends and hung out with old ones. I think some of my new friends are setting up to go tubing down the river this weekend. It's been over 100 and 109+ with the heat index so being in a cold river sounds fantastic.

[doriswe]

I'm not in a great place, so I will say that I think it's an epically awful idea to introduce kids to new dates after a few weeks. This is my hill to die on (I'm positive there are many different places on this board where I say this).

[downtoearth]

neonpink , river floating when it's that hot sounds fantastic.

doriswe , very curious if you have personal experience with this. I am open to taking criticism b/c this is all new - I even asked and discussed this with my therapist b/c I was worried I was messing with the kids. She let me know that she sees some people who keep dating very separate from their kids lives and some who let their kids know about their dates, but as long as you aren't moving in right away and maintaining separate lives that she has seen it work great both ways. She said it depends on your relationship with your kids and if it is sacrificed by the presence of someone else. But I really would like more opinions.

I was totally open (but not brutally honest - they didn't know their dad cheated on me and still probably don't really) with kids when I was sad and hurting, and have been open with them about how I am trying to move on and do things that make me happy and healthy. Plus I didn't plan on this guy working out... he was supposed to be a weekend fling while kids were gone and we agreed to that. We'd been flirting for 1 1/2 months and so I invited him to my house for a few days, then he was going away. But after a weekend, we both didn't want it to end. Plus he was already coming with my family on part of the trip just b/c his friendship with my sister, so he added 4 days to the 4 he was planning to be with us. It was pretty organic how it happened - like he would have been there for 4 of the 8 days even if I wasn't dating him. I am justifying, but I also was very cognizant to focus on the kids and my niece/nephews family fun more than our relationship. He just fit into the family fun so easily - which is surprising since we had 15 of us vacationing together.

[tiramisu]

I just found out that the guy at work I've developed a crush on is best friends with a guy I *very* briefly dated/slept with 4 or 5 years ago. So that's fun. I'm still friendly with the original guy. So that means my crush is probably completely off limits now.

And now there's work drama about totally separate things. Fun times. It's going to be interesting.

[doglove]

Doing okay on my end, still some migraines, but the chiropractor seems to be helping out. I have a lot more energy this week and feel more like myself again for the first time in ages.

[spindle92]

I have been up and on the computer at 5AM every morning this week so far.
We are 1 month away from "the trip of a lifetime" and this week I am finalizing things in Italy. Since they are 7 hours a head of me, I have to catch them before they all leave for the day.
So needless to say, I am tired but getting very excited for this trip.
I am going to be ruined though because I will never travel in such luxury like this again in my life.
Oh well, YOLO right?!

[kaneen]

I have no advice on the dating thing downtoearth as I have no kids myself. I will say though that most on this board have generally said to take that very very slow.

doriswe, what's up? You ok lady?

[kaneen]

As for my week....it's been good so far. I finally went and found a gym to join. It's one of those tiny places that mostly does personal training and bootcamp style classes. I've worked out 2x so far this week and I have so much work to do. In my first workout she did an assessment of what I could do and it was pathetic. Even though I'm thin my body fat is way too high. I like that I have real numbers for goals though so that's good.

I broke things off with the guy who prompted my post about chemistry. I'm just not physically attracted to him and that's not going to change. I posted on ML about a text he sent me that I completely overreacted to. It made me realize I was looking for reasons to stop seeing him and I don't need a reason. It's ok for me to simply not want to date him anymore.

[tiramisu]

doriswe hugs and whatever else you need right now. We're here for you, lady.


kaneen good for you for recognizing that you're not that into him and being okay with it.


downtoearth I will admit that I am very hesitant to see someone introducing their kids so quickly, especially when you don't know where something will go. They get attached to one person, then if things don't work out they're gone, and that cycle can continue. I do think it's better to wait until a relationship is solid and appears to have a pretty clear future.

[doglove]

I get that kaneen! Good for you for recognizing it. There was a guy I was forcing myself to keep seeing before I met A and I just wasn’t feeling it. He was nice so I decided to keep at it, but eventually I just realized I wasn’t into him. Glad I ended that!

[downtoearth]

Thanks for the advice on the kids and dates - after 13 years of parenting, you'd think this would be more intuitive. However, dating is new and also funny that I am starting dating again at the same time as my 8th grade son. He was joking with me about that last week. He thinks it's funny.

I realize that I have always been really social and never hesitated to have kids around our friends or family or even random people who we happened to befriend that day. Heck 2 months ago I met a biking couple while out paddle boarding, and after having a beer with them I invited them to spent 2 nights at our house - with the kids around. That isn't the first (or last) time something like that will probably happen. So I realize I introduce kids to random people a lot and don't have a lot of boundaries around sharing my home (yet). Plus I kept justifying that since the kids already knew the person I was dating b/c of being on another multi-day family camping adventure earlier in the summer with him (as a my sister's friend/coworker), I felt like it was weirder to try to not be around him with the kids - I mean he was riding in my car half the time and planning to stay at our vacation rental with us all. But, you're right. I will slow with my intentions to have him around much in the near future, and I'll take the advice to I'll keep that separate for awhile. (We will also be living in different cities for the Fall, so we will have to work on visits and dates around my kid schedule anyway.) I also realize that without the family connection to this guy, and the fact that he was already invited for some of the vacation by my sister that I wouldn't have ever invited a random guy on vacation like this... that does seem odd, but I should probably examine why it wasn't odd with him, huh?

[bullygirl979]

Late to this party but I agree with doriswe and tiramisu. I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt but I agree it can be detrimental to be introducing kids to someone if you aren't sure they will stick around. I watched my niece get VERY attached to women my brother dated after his divorce and she did not handle it well when the break up happened.

kaneen, good for you!

doglove, glad you are feeling better!

spindle92, I am still jealous of your trip, haha. Sounds amazing!!

[kaneen]

spindle92, please take lots of pictures on your trip to share with us! I too am super jealous!

[spindle92]

bullygirl979, kaneen, yesterday I was talking with a coworker who is going to the med in October and he goes "Are you traveling with Jennifer Aniston?" It cracked me up.

[Shreddingbetty]

I'm in Europe with my kid for another two weeks, visiting friends and family (and also having some time for just us which is nice. I was all bummed because I wasn't gonna see my French friend more than likely other than having him pick us up from the airport but as it turned out that fell through due to an medical issues but it also meant I got to spend a whole afternoon with him after my kid got shipped off to camp. Ended up getting a hotel and had soem fun. Then when I can back a couple of weeks ago on a whim we decided to have me visit him in the south of Francefor a couple of days where he was working for a couple of weeks. Only saw him at night but it was worth the 11 hour bus ride each way overnight 😈😈. I am so not ready for a relationship (got divorced in November but had been really on the rocks for a couple of years) so this is kind of nice. Last year ended up with him as well totally unexpected. It's comfortable and no risk of having it become more serious. Wouldn't mind seeing him more often for that but that's not possible either. Not the type that can just go have sex with someone just to have sex, there has to be some feelings. Where I live also bot a lot of choice per se so that's gonna be a challenge anyway and I cant move until my kid goes to college (10 years...)

As far as introducing kids...when I met my ex I didnt meet his kids for about 15 month which was fine with me. We have been divorced since November and he has had a GF now for a few months because he just cant be alone. She has not been introduced to him as his GF but she is no dummy and knows (she told her friend who told her mom who then told me :-) ). I already knew anyway. She has not told me anything. I'm not sure what I would do, I'm leaning towards not telling her unless things started getting more serious. I also can't see myself having someone move in with me anytime soon (I'm not going anywhere) so maybe I would tell her sooner than i would otherwise. Who knows. My french friend and his family is coming to stay with me for one night next month while they do a road trip across the US. He will be staying in my room with me and my kid will be with me that night as well....but it's only one night. I can probably get away with "there wasn't enough room in the house and my bed is really big (and so is he haha)". I don't actually really care. Plus she knows him and loves him. I think generally I wouldn't recommend introducing a kid unless it became more serious. I also think that if a kid sees their parent is happier that it would make them feel better as well as long as it doesn't interfere with their time with the parent.

[doriswe]

downtoearth, I'm probably too cautious in life (working in the criminal justice system has that impact) but allowing strangers to stay with you and your children blows my mind. You have no idea who these people are or what their intentions might be. I've also worked with kids (in the system) who have definitely felt the impact of parents introducing multiple partners and seen how that impacts the kiddos.

My own DS has been introduced to a handful of "the ones" at his dad's house and while he puts on a smile for dad, he was reacting negatively with me because he felt really confused. He's 15 now and when we talk about him spending time with my bf (who he met months after we started dating) he shrugs and says "I'm just used to lots of new people in my life."