It sounds like he wants to suck you into this alternate reality zone that seems normal for them, but not for the rest of the reasonable population. It's not fair to you, and you should'nt have to exist in there for him and his family. It's not healthy.
If his brother mostly ignores him and never asks about his life anyway, why hang out with the brother? Would he be interested in distancing himself from that person? It sounds like the brother isn't close to the parents anyway, so I think you could maintain close relationships with his parents without needing to be close to the brother. What would he be losing out on if he backed off that relationship? I'm not saying cut him out completely, but only see him very occasionally perhaps?
What is your worry about what will happen if the brother’s wife’s family finds out? Because that’s for sure not your problem. It’s not even your SO’s problem. It’s the brother’s problem. So what’s the worry? You don’t need to waste 2 seconds of your life worrying about the consequences for him. I can actually see why your SO thinks the lie is NBD. Because there aren’t really any consequences for your SO.
I don’t really have any worries if they find out. I guess I would just know that his family wouldn’t like me as much after that since I refuse to keep on lying.
My guess is that your SO fears his brother cutting him out of his life like he cut out his own parents. I am not saying divorce is easy, when clearly it is not, but 25 years later and he has no relationship with his parents? That is sad and I think your SO fears the same fate if he does not do what his brother wants him to do. And perhaps that would even translate to pressure to break up with you or choose between his brother and his girlfriend.
I would want to get to the bottom of it and hope he can see the situation from an outsider's perspective. It seems this entire family needs help.
Post by yourmother on Aug 23, 2019 11:19:23 GMT -5
I wouldn't stress IF this was the only little white lie. And if it ever comes to light, accidentally or not, he can simply say that the transition to I/T was relatively recent.
All of that to say, I would certainly avoid spending time with the brother and his wife/her family. That just doesn't seem like a healthy relationship and I'd avoid it as much as possible.
Post by klingklang77 on Aug 25, 2019 2:30:28 GMT -5
Well, I saw him yesterday and we talked a little about it. We kind of left it at he would ask his dad for advice. We were at the dad’s yesterday, which was a really nice day. Luckily the brother wasn’t there. We will talk more about it next weekend when we have more time.
So that’s all. I am not going to lie anymore.
ETA: The brother does talk to the parents, but only a few times a year. From what I understand is that the father probably cheated on the mother with his now wife. I don’t know that for a fact, but I did the math and it doesn’t quite fit in with the timeline. They were talking about their anniversary and then they mentioned the fact that they dated for 6 years before getting married. The father was still married to the mother at this point. That seemed to go right over SO’s head. But I’m not going to say anything, but now I think I understand the way this family is the way it is.
Meh, I wouldn't be bothered about lying to the SIL and her parents. Who cares? Lol.
Yeah I’m here I think. It’s dumb but whatever lol it’s not like you have to spend every day of your life dealing with this lie. Just here and there when you see them you redirect the conversation away from that.
Sure it’s weird but I guess I’m not like “end the relationship!!!! There’s no hope for this lying fool!!! He clearly has at least three other families!!!” about it ..
Yes, it his brother’s lie to please his wife. It’s fucked up. At first I was like ok, whatever. When I slipped up on Saturday, I was like OMG I don’t want to deal with this. It made me think twice since we are getting more serious.
Still not sure what to do. He’s a great guy otherwise. He is always there for me, we like the same things, we get along great (fights here and there), sex is good lol, he is great around the house (don’t need to tell him a million times what to do), and we work well as a team.
This is our second issue we have had come up (the first was he was sick for a few months and that was stressful because of all the doctor and hospital visits, but that was no one’s fault). But this issue, man. I am not sure what to do. I can’t see throwing away everything when I do think we can work through it. However, I can see it becoming an issue in the future because he has to please everyone.
What happens if your kids aren’t good enough for his family, either? Think about 10 years down the road. He needs to shut this shit down or you need to run. This family is dysfunctional. That doesn’t get better with time, it gets worse.
Yes, it his brother’s lie to please his wife. It’s fucked up. At first I was like ok, whatever. When I slipped up on Saturday, I was like OMG I don’t want to deal with this. It made me think twice since we are getting more serious.
Still not sure what to do. He’s a great guy otherwise. He is always there for me, we like the same things, we get along great (fights here and there), sex is good lol, he is great around the house (don’t need to tell him a million times what to do), and we work well as a team.
This is our second issue we have had come up (the first was he was sick for a few months and that was stressful because of all the doctor and hospital visits, but that was no one’s fault). But this issue, man. I am not sure what to do. I can’t see throwing away everything when I do think we can work through it. However, I can see it becoming an issue in the future because he has to please everyone.
What happens if your kids aren’t good enough for his family, either? Think about 10 years down the road. He needs to shut this shit down or you need to run. This family is dysfunctional. That doesn’t get better with time, it gets worse.
I don’t want kids and he doesn’t either. That was said already. I really dislike when people assume that all people want kids.
BTW, I’m working on it and we are talking it out. It’s in between right now, but I am not going to lie anymore.
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I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham