I'm out

[clseale]

I am so sorry. You are not stone hearted; you are (most likely) in shock. We had a loss in June at 14.5 wks. I had a few moments where I broke down in private, but mostly I just operated like a numb, zombie through all of the doctors appointments, testing and logistics.

As far as telling the sibling, i have no advice, just empathy. Dd is only 2.5, but I really regretted letting DH talk to her about the baby. I didn’t want him to, but he was excited and I didn’t want to crush that. She had started talking to my belly and even now she will occasionally ask if I still have a baby in my belly. At 2.5 we were able to just sort of play it off without her asking followup questions, but my sister had to tell my niece (7) about it, and she just explained that our baby boy was very sick.

[chocolatelove]

I’m not sure if this helps. My then 4 year old did not know about my pregnancy or subsequent loss. A few months later, we were really struggling at Christmas time and are religious, so we told her there was a little baby who was going to come live with us but went to live with Jesus instead. She just rolled with it and didn’t ask questions.

She knows about my current pregnancy so if anything happened, I think we would probably tell her something along the same lines - that her brother was going to live in Heaven and name some things we would do to remember him by. She’s 5 now, but I don’t think she quite grasps what having a baby come live with us actually means. She would definitely ask more questions though, like how is he no longer in my belly. I think it’s ok if you need to take a few days to go through shock and some grief to give yourself time to be prepared to answer the unexpected questions that 5 year olds can ask. Hugs ❤️❤️

[sunflower17]

I’m so sorry for your loss. However you are feeling is normal. Hugs.

[Yankees21]

I’m so sorry for your loss. There are such varying responses to a miscarriage (and can change moment to moment) and none are wrong. Hugs to you.

[murphybrown]

I'm so sorry for your loss. As others have stated, your feelings are legitimate and understandable. You'll process however you need to process. Wishing your family peace.

[jennistarr1]

This is heartbreaking! I'm so sorry

I think I would tell my daughter like this " guess what...doctor said no baby yet" and then make a sad face or actually say we are sad, we were really hoping for this"

[rbp]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I had the D&C today and it went fine. Actually I kind of freaked out beforehand because the miscarriage had not progressed since yesterday afternoon (bleeding stopped, no cramping) and I asked my OB to do another ultrasound just to be does there was really no heartbeat. I felt ridiculous asking for this because he was very thorough in the office yesterday and I trust him, but he was very gracious about doing another u/s. And he again confirmed that there was no heartbeat.

Just to follow up on what we said to our 5yo...after reading some advice on the internet, we decided that we just needed to be as straightforward and direct as possible. I said "Do you remember how Mommy and Daddy told you that you were going to have a baby brother or sister?" "Yes." "Unfortunately the baby's body wasn't strong enough to grow into a big boy like you, and the baby died." I really hated saying that, but I couldn't figure out a way around it that was fair to him. He had some questions, but I hope I presented it in a way that doesn't make him afraid for himself or anyone else meeting the same fate.

[MrsDarcy]

rbp, I think the words you chose were perfect. Our kids are close in age, and I think my daughter would have been able to understand and process that.

And I don’t think you should feel negatively about asking for another US today. I feel like I would have done the same thing. ❤️

[WinterWine]

I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family. It sounds like the way you told your son was perfect.

[lovelyshoes]

I am so sorry. My son was 6 when this happened to us. We told him that the baby stopped growing and unfortunately mommy couldn’t have that baby. It breaks my heart to this day that he had to go through that pain. It is so incredibly unfair. So many hugs to you. Please be kind to yourself. It took me a long time to move on. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk or vent. Sending you love and peace.

[red]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[lessel]

I'm so sorry. Sending so many hugs and good thoughts your way. I think you did the right thing with your DS.

When we had to TFMR I kind of felt how you were feeling. Just sort of turned off the emotions. I had moments of intense sadness, that I almost more attributed to hormones than to my own processing of the situation. I can't say I was every wholly overcome with grief in more than an intermittent way. But when it hit, it hit. And it comes back to me in little moments 3 years later. It just sucks.

I know I'm an internet stranger. But I'm also local to you. Always open to a coffee if you need it.

[rbp]

I think the one good thing about having told a lot of people about the pregnancy is that soooo many people have reached out to me and said "I've been there." My MIL, my older sister, my aunt. I would have never known if I hadn't shared my own loss. And it means so much. Thanks, y'all, for your kind words too.

[vmars]

I am so sorry. My son was 4/5 at the time of my losses, but we had not told him about the pregnancies yet. My first m/c happened at work and I told my coworker so she could go get me my stuff so I didn’t have to go back in the office a crying mess. She had them too so it was helpful to talk to someone who had been there. Lots of love as you recover, it’s incredibly hard.

[jennysmitten]

I am so sorry. Please be kind to yourself. It's ok to feel whatever you are feeling.