Relationship with Former In-Laws - Questions?

[downtoearth]

So how is your relationship with former in-laws and extended family of your XSOs? 

I am trying to still figure out my relationship with my former ILs. I'd love some insight into how you've reshaped yours of if it slowly drifted away/apart or what. And has it changed over the years since your divorce?

Backstory: Have known my in-laws for 25+ years. Was with XH from age 19, so almost 23 years. They were really mad at XH for his affair and were a rock for me last winter - helped with chopping wood, brought food for me and kids, checked-in, talked to me openly about redefining our relationship, I had to console them and put up a boundary that it wasn't best for me to be defending their own son and his girlfriend to them and they respected it, but also just consistently caring.   Now they see XH once or twice a month, but never with girlfriend and the kids yet (mostly at football games for a local university). They still have dinner or lunch with me about once a month and we had dinner the other night (kids and I) with them at their house. I love them, and have 20+ years of vacations, family connections, three kids/grandkids for them together, and bonding times together. I sometimes have been able to talk to them more openly than my own parents during that time and feel a big loss about not being their family anymore, but also feel like I'm in a weirdly guarded with them now b/c I know they love seeing me happier without their son and they are still in a stressed relationship with him, but we don't talk about that or my new person really at all. So it's mostly just me trying to figure out my level of engagement and if I should expect it to change over time also. 

[tiramisu]

I mean, I didn't have kids with my XH so it's totally different. I danced with glee at the thought of never having to see or talk with his mother ever again. Never having to uncomfortable exist in their house while she made passive aggressive comments or even openly berated XH or her husband/his dad.

I think one thing to remember is that your XH's parents are still your family, because they're half of your children's grandparents. It's great that you still have such a good relationship with them. I imagine with time, the relationship will change. All relationships change over time. It doesn't mean they'll cast you out, I hope. I think the way you're handling it so far has been good.

[doriswe]

I think you guys will find your groove in whatever makes sense for you. And more loving adults for your kids, demonstrating healthy relationships is awesome.

Personally, I didn't have that long of a history with XH's parents, but they're really lovely people. I talk to them at DS's sports/activities and we send each other Christmas cards.

[gault]

I don't see or talk to my xh or his family, ever. In fact, i went to a show in July with my bf and saw my xsil for the first time in oh...12 years? I turned away and she and her partner left that area, lol.

It is so different for everyone.

[AdaraMarie]

I don't have much of a relationship with them at all. We have seen each other at kids events a few times and we get along fine, but we never had a relationship outside xh even though I knew them for around 20 years at the time of the divorce. Losing his extended family was one of the hardest things at the time.

[Shreddingbetty]

I have no relationship with my MiL. fIL passed away 2 years ago before we got divorced. I have known her for 16 years and have always gotten along with her fine but she isn’t a very loving person. She isn’t mean or anything she just is very matter of fact but kind. We have one kid together and she is with XH 50 percent of the time so I honestly don’t know why I would still have contact with her, not like we saw her a ton before. We would usually go up to have lunch with her (and him when he was still alive) but that was mostly it. They’ve never come to any activities (like ballet performances or grandparent day at school even thought they are not that far (1.5 h) .
I think it is great that you still have a good relationship with them, i imagine that things may taper once kids are out of the house but I think as long as both parties are interested why not.

[wildrice]

Assuming they are as lovely as it sounds like they are, I think you'll just need some time. I think it's totally fine to maintain a relationship with them, and while it may never be as close, I think they can genuinely be happy for you separately from their feelings about your XH.

I am not close with my XH's family, but I have maintained internet contact with his cousin, her daughter, and his aunt over the years. His aunt is one who consistently "likes" my FB posts, in particular ones that involve my current H His cousin's daughter actually went to college in the town where we used to live, so she and I got together several times and she even sublet a room from one of my friends for a summer (when we were moving away, or maybe she'd have stayed with me!). It was strange at first that we had this connection and elephant in the room, but it was also just really nice that I got to stay connected to these people that I loved while removing my asshole XH from my life.

Not exactly the same thing, but my H also has a relationship with his first wife's parents. She actually died, so it's a little different, but I've gotten to know them over the years and they are so sweet and supportive to us both. I was at first worried about making things painful for them by being around them, but I think they genuinely like that my H is happy too.

So... families and relationships are fluid IMO, and can be whatever you want them to be. It may take time to get there, but if you mutually want to maintain a relationship, you will. Hopefully over time you'll feel more comfortable sharing your new life with them, too.

[sacattack]

So I have a relationship with my XIL's still, independent of my ExH. I'm mostly in contact with them around stuff to do with the kids - my ExH is terrible at sharing their sports schedules, chorus concerts, etc. which I know they love going to. I get that its not my responsibility but they have always been good to me. They also take the kids whenever I need help over school vacations/days off.

I tend not to talk about deeply personal stuff if it relates to their son, because while I think they tend to side with me (ExH cheated on me) he is still their son. The few times the conversation has drifted in that direction I'm always dissapointed in their response, so I just don't go there.

So for you, I'd keep it friendly and so long as you feel OK with it, keep it up. Every relationship is different and if it works for you, then its perfect!

[downtoearth]

Thanks for all this insight. It's weird to have to redefine your relationship after two decades, but it's also interesting to hear how it varies for so many. Between mutual friends and his family it's all so new sometimes - and also odd since we live in a small town. It's actually refreshing not to have to bug XH to want to hang out with his own parents sometimes, because I just do it with kids (or without) when I want now.