Baby Chocolatepie arrived! (complicated story inside)

[chocolatepie]

Went in a week ago today (last Thurs) for induction due to IUGR & lowering fluid levels. I was 37+1 and completely undialated. Y'all may remember that I really fought the early induction - I knew the rate of c section was high and I had previous abdominal surgery that would likely complicate things. Unfortunately, it did.

Thurs night we started 5 rounds of ripening meds (cervadil & cytotec) before starting pitocin. I finally actually went into labor Fri night but his heart rate dropped each contraction so we had to discontinue the pitocin. They decided I needed an epidural so we could add some internal monitors (and fluid for him) that I could not handle the pain of and once that was all set, my blood pressure dropped and his heart rate dropped. This went on for hours as I slowly labored.


Finally started pushing Saturday afternoon and his heart rate started dropping again. My contractions were 7-10 minutes apart so it was brutal and slow. We added back pitocin to speed things up and he got worse and my blood pressure dropped again. My OB and midwife tried everything and he just wasn't dealing well (and was sunny side up). I pushed for 2 hrs. She could feel him but he just wasn't moving - and we knew he was tiny! She said we needed to get him out and she would do her best to work w my previous surgery. 

I was bawling and shaking as they wheeled me into the OR; I just had a bad feeling. 


My intuition was right - they couldn't get me numb in that area. Finally they shot me full of local, since general would transfer directly to him, and started and I felt every single cut. In my head I was screaming but my husband said I was moaning loudly and crying when he got there. I thought I was dying - I wasn't even there, it was this weird space w colors and noises and I didn't know where I was or why I was there. I remember crying out that I wanted to see him before I died but my husband said that didn't happen - I wasn't forming words and couldn't open my eyes. He said the team knew what was happening and moved quick to get him out. My husband saw the baby briefly then they threw him out and immediately put me under w general before finishing.

Evidently my bladder was adhered to my uterus from scar tissue so my uterus tore and the baby was wedged in the canal; he had a cone head already and she isn't sure he'd ever make it down, regardless of the heart rate concern.

My husband was ushered back to my room where he waited until they brought the baby to him; he fed him his first bottle (they asked him if he wanted to use donor milk or formula and he had no idea what to choose but went with donor milk - a conversation we never thought to have prior). I met our baby 3 hours later once I was out of recovery.

I don't know if I went into shock from the pain, or if all the meds they were pumping into me caused what I was experiencing, but I never want to do it again. They told my husband that I wouldn't remember any of it (they added some med to help me forget) but I remember everything. We are officially one and done; I can't handle the trauma and a VBAC is out of the question now due to the uterus damage. My husband said he cannot go through it again, either.

My beautiful boy was 4lb 13 ounces and just perfect. He stayed with us the first night and then on day 2, they decided his blood sugar wasn't high enough and they took him to NICU. He only had to stay 1 more night than I did but I still couldn't stay with him around the clock until I was discharged so I did a lot of back and forth. Being away from him made me physically ill and I really struggled. I had no idea how NICU parents feel until now. 

We finally came home with him yesterday. Breastfeeding is not going well; he was on donor milk (and now preemie formula) since I wasn't always with him and he eats like a champ but we can't get him to latch. I'm trying to pump and having very little success so far (though my breasts now are very full and heavy and painful).

We see the ped today to check his weight and I'm hoping they can offer some local lactation support as my hospital isn't convenient. 

We're both pretty traumatized, and I struggle to talk about it, but he's here and healthy and I'm doing okay. 

[G22]

Oh my goodness, you poor thing! I'm so so sorry it was so traumatic in the end, that would be for anyone! I'm so glad you and your little one are on the mend though. Congrats! I hope you continue to heal ok, physically and emotionally.

[knx9211]

My gosh I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine. I’m so glad he’s here and you’re starting to do better.

[lucky428]

Oh my gosh!! I’m so sorry your birth went like that! That’s just horrible. I’m so glad he’s here and doing well. Huge hugs to you and congrats on your sweet boy!!

[stellelinds25]

I can’t even imagine how traumatic that must have been, I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but I’m glad he’s healthy!

We had the same feeding issues due to our short nicu stay. The LC at our pediatrician appt Monday helped tremendously and now, just a few days later he’s mostly EBF with a few formula bottles here and there to supplement. It’s rough, but doable! Good luck!

[sunflower17]

Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry you went through all of that. Congratulations on your sweet little one.

[sloan]

Holy crap. I’m so sorry you endured such a traumatic experience and I hope your recovery is much smoother. Congratulations on the arrival of your little one.

[fairfax]

I am so sorry - that sounds like a horrific ordeal. I’m so glad you both came through it safely! Take it easy and enjoy your perfect little guy!

[aprilsails]

Big hugs to you. I hope you recover well and I’m truly sorry you had such a rough delivery. I’m glad baby chocolate pie is doing well and I hope you can sort out the feeding issues soon.

[Yankees21]

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry for the trauma you had to deal with. I hope you continue to improve. Congratulations on your sweet boy!

[tiptoetulips]

Wow! I’m so sorry that things happened this way. I would really recommend looking into talking to a professional about your experience. It may be good to talk it through with someone. Congratulations! Enjoy your sweet baby!

[dreamcrisp1]

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I am so sorry that it was so complicated and hard. I can tell you that it took me a solid 3-4 weld before I could talk about my delivery without sobbing. I was also traumatized. Time and my little guy has helped me heal. Definitely try to see a LC for help. I’m surprised they gave him milk instead of waiting but maybe bc of the General?. Also remember it can take time and be kind to yourself if you pursue BFing.

[red]

Oh my goodness, what a wild ride! I am so sorry it was traumatic. I hope he latches better soon and glad the baby is otherwise doing well. Take care of yourself as you recover!

[Monica Geller]

I am so sorry that you had such a traumatic birth. I’m glad you’re home and recovering now!! Leaving my son in the NICU was the hardest thing and even now 4.5 years later I tear up when I talk about it. Take care of yourself, physically and mentally!! Please reach out to someone when you’re struggling.

[swiftlyirun]

chocolatepie you are amazing. I'm so so sorry that things worked out like that. I can't imagine how difficult that was, but you are so so strong. Glad you're home and have that sweet baby in your arms! I hope that you got some BF support- but know that whatever you do to feed the baby is BEST.

Also, know that we're here if you want to "talk" about delivery. Or just vent or whatever. You're not alone.

[urbancowgirl]

I'm so sorry you went through that. I wish I could reach through my computer to hug you. I'm glad that you and your baby are home now. Be gentle with yourself as you recover.

[somersault72]

I was gasping the whole time reading that. I'm so sorry. Congratulations on your sweet baby! Enjoy him! Make sure to take it easy and let your body (and mind) recover.

[pandora89]

I am so sorry it was so traumatic, but I am glad that he is here safely now. Be kind to yourself.

[elleblue]

Oh my goodness, I'm relieved to hear you're both okay, but what an incredibly traumatic experience. I'm so very sorry.

[farfalla2011]

Congratulations on your little guys arrival, but I'm so sorry you had such a traumatic delivery. I hope your recovery goes well and the feeding works itself out. Just remember if BF doesn't work out, you are still getting him fed and that's what matters. You're not a failure, you're just adapting for the best interest of your little guy.

I also 2nd looking into counseling at some point to help cope with all the feelings with the aftermath of such a horrible experience.

[chocolatelove]

I don’t know that I have the right words to react to all of this! Medical trauma is definitely real and often poorly recognized so don’t be afraid to advocate for what you need in the future - related and unrelated! I’m so sorry. Lots of hugs, and congrats!

[doglove]

Man what a tough experience! You did it mama. Congrats.

[KellyEasterbrook]

I don't really "go" here anymore but I read your post and couldn't not reply. A very warm congratulations!  I am so sorry the delivery was so traumatic. I had a rough delivery for other reasons; mainly because it fell exactly on the one year anniversary of a traumatic late TFMR. Physically it was fine, but I basically had a mental breakdown when I saw that I was bleeding in the bathroom. Then I felt like a complete failure when BF didn't work out. 

The best thing I did was go to a highly recommended IBCLC the following week. After hearing the background and seeing the amount of pain I was in breast-wise (seriously, if one more mom told me that pain is normal and would get better, I was going to punch them in the face. What I was going through was not normal), she gave me the number of a wonderful therapist who specializes in infant and pregnancy loss and traumatic births. The IBCLC told me the best thing I could do for my daughter was to do whatever it takes to make sure I was mentally present for her and dealt with the emotional issues surrounding her birth and her sister's passing. She actually encouraged me to just go with formula and make sure I was getting sleep. 

So to echo others here...please try to find a therapist if you haven't already. Having a baby is rough under normal circumstances, but add trauma to that and it's just exponentially worse. And if BF works out...great!  And it doesn't...that's fine, too!  Just make sure you're taking care of yourself, too. 



 

[WinterWine]

Wow, I am so sorry that this wasn't the birth you were hoping for, at all. You are incredibly strong for enduring this. I am glad to hear you are both safe and sound now and wish you a much smoother recovery!

[pooh8402]

Omg I'm so so so so sorry this was such a traumatic birth. I can't even imagine. I'm glad that he is here safely and it does sound like your team gave you every chance.

I'm hoping that your recovery (physical and mental) will be smooth as possible.

[woowoo]

chocolatepie, just now seeing this. Sending hugs your way, I'm sorry it was so traumatic for you and your husband. Once you have a chance to get your feet under you with your little one, I encourage you to seek counseling. PTSD due to birth trauma is very real, and you may want some additional support being one and done, not necessarily by choice. Take care of you. Hugs.