Grief ramblings

[Pom]

I lost my mom in November. Actually, that’s wrong to say. She suffered terribly for the past two years, fighting up until the last minute and she died. She’s not lost. She’s in an urn on my mantle. My sister and I, my husband and nieces (every minute they could), spent hours & days with her...weeks in the hospital. Precious days at home too. Some were terrible and some good. She was the most incredible fighter. My niece wrote that “we’ve lost out apple tree”. That sounds right. I talked to her multiple times a day when she didn’t have to live with us, due to her health. She has a significant other but he had a stroke a few years ago. They stayed together until it wasn’t feasible. Watching them say goodbye broke my heart.

For the first few weeks, I didn’t cry much. I felt numb. I went through the motions of the family service, Thanksgiving, friends visiting, Christmas. My sister and nieces and I all got beautiful pendants from my husband in the shape of an apple tree with 5 gold apples. (There are 5 of us girls).

My husband & I are going to see my stepfather next week. He & mom always spent winters in Florida. I’ve never been there without her in the house. In my mind, I think she’s there now sometimes. And then I remember she’s not. I can’t stop crying. I can’t sleep. I feel insane and forgetful. Yesterday I accidentally put $3k worth of checks in a bin of papers to be shredded at home. That’s not me. I’m sharp, the keeper of all the important stuff and also the tracker of mundane things. I think I’m losing my mind. Maybe it’s dread of going to another of her places and she’s not there. We have a celebration of life to get through yet this summer and packing of her things at her primary home & our cottage up north. I don’t know if I can. I preferred the numb phase.

The anniversary of my father’s death was a couple of days ago. It was the first time I was an orphan. I’m spinning and I guess I just needed to vent. I don’t know if I need meds or a drink or a change of scenery. The Florida trip is also for my 50th birthday & our 15th anniversary we’d postponed due to mom’s hospitalization. I don’t want to ruin our trip and I need to pull myself together.

I hope things find a new normal. I’m chasing sleep. I’m so exhausted but my mind races when I lay down. My phone has endless notes of stuff to attend to...so much to take care of and plan. Oh and we have a massive wedding we are co hosting for my niece and her sweet fiancé. Maybe by NYE (their wedding day) we will all be a little less wounded. Let’s hope.

If you read this far, maybe you deserve a drink too. Hug your parents. Cheers.

[thejackpot]

Sending you lots of love and light. I can’t speak to losing a parent, I lost my grandmother this June and it feels like such a gut punch. I have so many waves of pain and sadness. I forget she’s not here and then it flashes that she is gone and I am sad once again. I don’t think their is any one way to grieve. So give yourself grace and seek out someone to talk to if you can. I hope that you can find some peace.

[BlondeSpiders]

I'm so sorry for your loss. <3 

[Pom]

Thanks for indulging me. I guess I needed to unload and type out some stuff. I was just a hot mess yesterday. I think anxiety and lack of sleep is a bad combo. I slept more last night. thejackpot, I am so very sorry for your loss too.

[Pom]

Jan 24, 2020 19:25:20 GMT -5 BlondeSpiders said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. <3 

I just read your post on CEP and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about all that's going on in your world. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts. (ETA and so many good thoughts for your kitty)

[Pom]

Jan 26, 2020 0:26:24 GMT -5 JayhawkGirl said:

I’m sorry Pom. Grief is such a raw love. We can’t skip over it and we can’t hide from it as much as we wish we could. There were some distractions to hide behind with the holidays. And, having the summer memorial leaves some of the farewell anxiousness still out there, looming while also being something that will bring comforting people around to surround you.

Do not hesitate to ask your dr for some help, be it antidepressants, both - they can help you.

My mom said something to me when we lost FIL, and it stuck with me and helped me on the really bad days. She promised me it wouldn’t always be the first thought when I woke up. And she was right. (If that isn’t comforting to you, I will delete.)

Extra love your way. You’re doing the best you can.

Thank you for your kind words. I actually have a physical Tuesday. I am definitely going to chat with the doctor. I thought I was ok at first. Her suffering was over. But I think the reality of the last two years, has only just surfaced. It’s hard to be without them. Knowing it will ebb is helpful.

[thejackpot]

Jan 25, 2020 15:33:39 GMT -5 Pom said:

Thanks for indulging me. I guess I needed to unload and type out some stuff. I was just a hot mess yesterday. I think anxiety and lack of sleep is a bad combo. I slept more last night. thejackpot , I am so very sorry for your loss too.

Thank you so much.

[pumpkin]

I'm sorry. Grief is so hard and can really hit us when we're least expecting it. And losing someone who we've never known life without is different again than any other loss.
Be kind to yourself as you navigate your way through this.

[mrsukyankee]

I'm sorry I missed this. Definitely reach out to your doctor. How you are reacting is entirely normal - that's not helpful, necessarily, but it's normal. I don't know if there are any resources where you mom was, in regards to loss but it may be worth checking that out too.

And feel free to just write things down here - memories that come to mind, things you miss, etc. Use us as your diary if you like (or do it on your own - I have had clients write letters to their loved ones they've lost). It will feel unreal for quite a while.

[Pom]

Follow-up...my PCP gave me an RX for Trazodone.

[mrsukyankee]

Jan 29, 2020 9:44:08 GMT -5 Pom said:

Follow-up...my PCP gave me an RX for Trazodone.

How are you doing with that and with everything?

[Pom]

Jan 31, 2020 8:58:20 GMT -5 mrsukyankee said:

Jan 29, 2020 9:44:08 GMT -5 Pom said:

Follow-up...my PCP gave me an RX for Trazodone.

How are you doing with that and with everything?

Still not sleeping until I’m completely exhausted. Seeing my stepdad yesterday went better than I thought it might. He’s doing ok. I didn’t have a complete meltdown. We are on our way to the Florida house to gather up her things. I’m sad but ok. Thank you for asking and everyone for the comforting words.

[flex]

My heart goes out to you. The loss of a loved one is a life changer. I found that if I accept my grief, to not fight it, and understand that it's going to hurt in varying degrees for some time, it's a little easier to bear.