Updates, please!

[gault]

What is new, please and thank you! Any work updates, dating updates, adventure updates? Spill 'em!

[mags]

Stefan may or may not need knew surgery for his ski accident.
Im exhausted from taking care of everyone all the time.
Gianna has the flu.
i'm having hernia surgery on march 9.

nothing fun or adventurous.

[neonpink]

I've been sick for 3 weeks and have been treading water in my life it feels like. I'm finally on antibiotics and am feeling better but still exhausted.
I feel like I've got nothing really going on in the moment. I just want to relax and sleep.

In TV have you guys watched Sex Education. It's on netflix and it's been really funny and a good watch.

[chalupa]

Hugs and healthy thoughts mags and neonpink.

Mixed bag over here - I am now 2 months in to my new job and I really really like it here. I went four whole weeks without one twitch of pain in my neck/shoulder, and I’ve been for-real sleeping again.

However, my poor horse, who just finished healing from a torn ligament and just got back into shape, is now lame again. He’s so lame we all (me, my trainer, and the barn owner) can’t even begin to guess the source of pain for him. I’m having the regular vet out to rule out Lyme, but I’m going to have to haul him 2.5 hours to a lameness specialty hospital next week if the bloodwork doesn’t come back with Lyme.

And my dog, who was first diagnosed with Lyme 8 years ago (he’s 13 now), started limping last week. Whaddaya know, it’s a Lyme flare up and he’s now on a month of antibiotics.

And just like that, my neck and shoulder pain returned and I’m no longer sleeping through the night. Stress sucks. I thought I had this all figured out and solved.

[tiramisu]

Work is going well, though this week it was tough to be around some very "bro-y" culture and I just sort of half dissociated into my phone when it got to be too much. I handled some things really well this week but also got talked to about it sounding like in a couple instances I was blurring the lines with acting too much like people's therapist (which is something I'm already guarding against and what I did is literally what I did in trainings in my last job, but I guess I need to write it up better). So a mixed bag this week.

Dating has been overwhelming but I'm working through it! I have a second date tonight and another first date tomorrow night. No plans for Saturday yet, except one friend trying to get me to be the person who helps her not drink and stay away from a guy who's no good for her. Which really isn't how I want to spend my time. I've seen the single dad twice now, most recently was Monday evening. I'm keeping all of my options open at this point, though.

[Shreddingbetty]

Just spent 8 days in a Paris for a conference (2 days and the rest was vacation but work will pay for a good chunk ) and had an awesome time. It was great just doing what I wanted to do and when and not feel like I had to go do stuff at all. I didn’t do anything cultural at all (unless pâtisserie classes can be considered cultural, which I guess it should be in France haha). I took my time in the morning and lazed about a fair amount. Did a couple of pâtisserie classes which was fun, got to see my FWB (including the benefits) once and saw my aunt twice. Went to a movie and walked an shopped a lot. Even got stuck in some big manifestation on my first evening there as I was wandering around to avoid going to bed too early with the jet lag. I walked 73 miles in 8 days. I love being there for many reasons but I just love walking everywhere.
Now I’m back at work, back to the grind stone. Just booked my tix for this summer to go aback to visit family and tickets were actually not too bad considering it is high season.

Dating....I wonder it that will ever happen again. Right now I’m not really ready for it (wish my FwB was a little closer because I could use that from time to time) but I also don’t have high hopes of finding someone where I live. It is not a bad town for families but a single professional/mom in her 40s....not so much, especially since I have taken a liking for younger men now. I do feel kind of stuck here but don’t have a choice as far as leaving. Well I guess I do but that would mean giving up my kid and I’m never gonna do that. It will have to wait until she is off to college. And while I can afford it I will just travel when I can.

I get annoyed with people who feel like I need a boyfriend. I was in a longtemps relationship x 2 for a total of 28 years straight (since I was 18). I’m kind of enjoying being on my own (divorced for a little over a year now) And after all the therapy I’ve had and therefore better insight on people/myself, I’m not so sure I’m gonna be relationship material anymore, too analytical or set in my ways, too independent if you know what I mean. But maybe those feeling will change with time. I’m open to dating if I meet someone I connect with but I guess I’m not actively looking. Can’t really see myself alone for the rest of my life either. But for the moment I’m content being alone. No sense stressing over what might or might not be a few years from now.

I’ve also come to realize that over the past ear my relationship with my married friends (so that basically all my friends..) has changed. Part of it probably because I only have my kid 50/50 so not at school every day anymore for pick up but I think a lot of it just has to to that I’m now the odd one out. Wes till are great friends but I just get to see them less now which makes me kind of bummed. The 3-4 years prior to the divorce I basically lived a single life (because ex rarely came to get together etc) and did a lot just with my kid and not as a family but somehow that was still different. It’s like they think divorce is contagious or they’re worried that I will be after their husbands (no thank you on any of them ) now that I’m single, I do think a lot of women experience this feelings after a split,

Anyway, overall pretty content and no regrets about the divorce. Glad I got to get away for a week to recharge. Have my kid this weekend and hoping to go ski on Sunday.

[gault]

Sounds like we all need a vacation from life. Hugs, everyone.

It's 11 days until my surgery, so life has been a combo of planning for work, post surgery needs, anticipating obstacles, saying goodbye to favorite foods. And crying about politics peppered in between. Lol. So ready to get this done.

[bullygirl979]

chalupa, mags and neonpink, I hope you and everyone else in your life is feeling better soon!

Shreddingbetty, SO incredibly jealous of your classes!!! I would absolutely consider that cultural

[bullygirl979]

Nothing much going on here. Work continues to be busy but I just closed a deal recently that I'm hoping will net me a nice commission check.

Personally, we are also staying busy with fun stuff. We took a wine course, saw the Swan Lake ballet and have a touring Broadway show coming up. Half marathon training starts in 10 days (GAH). We are also looking in to vacation planning. We've been talking about Iceland and I need to get on doing some research.

[Shreddingbetty]

gault, good luck with your surgery, that’s a pretty big deal!
bullygirl979, I agree with you! It was fun and I will be doing it again this summer. The only drawback was that you take everything you make home and of course it was just me so I ended giving some of it away to the other people in the class who were local with hungry family members

[MeMyselfandI]

I'm in Iceland. Just got back to my hotel from a whale watching tour. No whales though. :-( It was SO cold.

Leaving for the Blue Lagoon in a few hours. Looking forward to the warm water.

[bullygirl979]

MeMyselfandI, that's really funny. I say I need to do Iceland research and you pop in to say that. Let me know when you are back from your trip; I'd be interested in hearing more about it.

[downtoearth]

Feb 7, 2020 0:21:51 GMT -5 Shreddingbetty said:

Dating....I wonder it that will ever happen again. Right now I’m not really ready for it (wish my FwB was a little closer because I could use that from time to time) but I also don’t have high hopes of finding someone where I live. It is not a bad town for families but a single professional/mom in her 40s....not so much, especially since I have taken a liking for younger men now. I do feel kind of stuck here but don’t have a choice as far as leaving. Well I guess I do but that would mean giving up my kid and I’m never gonna do that. It will have to wait until she is off to college. And while I can afford it I will just travel when I can.

I feel this way also. I'm dating a great guy, and he is really honest and healing for me, but I know we have an expiration date (and we have talked about that) due to his career not having substantial presence in my state, on top of  me having 3 kids and older parents here (I'm the only kid nearby them). I was really bummed the other day b/c my youngest won't be out of here until 2031... 11 more years. So if I'm being a good parent first and foremost, I'm not free to move my career (or dating life) until I'm early 50's. Which is not a great time to change careers, and I have no idea if dating becomes harder as I get older. 

Unluckily I can't afford much travel without a second income, so I am feeling pretty bummed these days. I haven't been on a plane or out of my state in 13 months. ACK!!! Basically without XH's income I can cover bills and kid extra-curriculars, so they are the priority. I'm looking for other career changes and options, but haven't found any in the last couple months... yet. I'd love to figure this out fast, but I think finding new jobs or starting a business is a long game. It would be amazing to just come into a million dollars, and travel to my heart's content. Go do that and let us know how it is... I am loving vicarious travel these days. You should see my instagram. I'm just going to have to puzzle this one out and be ready when I find a chance to change. 

[chalupa]

Well, I don’t have to take the horse to the specialist on Thursday, but he’s definitely not doing so great. He was diagnosed with both Lyme AND a degenerative hoof disease (navicular), so no wonder he’s hurting. He’s starting an antibiotic for the Lyme and getting some specialty/corrective shoes on Thursday, which should make him more comfortable. However, it’s a wait and see thing before we know if he’s comfortable enough to ride at all, much less jump again 😭😭😭

[bullygirl979]

chalupa, awww. I'm sorry. I hope he makes a full recovery soon...

[tiramisu]

chalupa I'm so sorry to hear that. Poor Owen and poor you. I hope he recovers fully from the Lyme.

[doglove]

Ugh chalupa that is sucky.

I am trying to figure out this mom thing. It’s hard to find my way in this new role. I love it, but it’s so challenging goo. I know this newborn phase is a phase, but man getting sleep an hour or two at a time is rough!

Rusty is so good with her, he’s up with me all night following me with her and always hanging out where she is. I am also grateful for A’s three day weekend schedule to give me a lot more help. He’s so great as a dad.

[spindle92]

I am in the middle of a major purging session as I prepare to move in the spring/summer.
Today I went thru my drawer of workout pants and shoved in the way back I found not 1 but 2 brand new pairs, tags still on them, nike leggings.

It's the little things in life that bring me such joy. LOL!

[MeMyselfandI]

Feb 10, 2020 8:28:34 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

MeMyselfandI , that's really funny. I say I need to do Iceland research and you pop in to say that. Let me know when you are back from your trip; I'd be interested in hearing more about it.

I got back yesterday. It was a long trip back but worth it. It was wonderful there. What would you like to know?

[cleo29]

I am in therapy, both couple and personal. Just working through all the emotions. I am doing better in a lot of way, we are doing better in a lot of ways, but it is still hard. I know that there are those who have judged my choice to work on things and stay. And even that can be hard.

I am waiting for the day that they are selling them house and I can breathe easier in my neighborhood.

Started a notary and signing agent job, so that is fun. Just trying to get that up and going. I also need to figure out a way to negotiate a better rate with a particular company.

[tiramisu]

cleo29 I liked your post because I've been there, in a way. I definitely understand how hard to can be to try to work it out, especially when it feels like people don't understand why you're trying. I'm glad to hear it's going well in counseling. If you ever want to talk with someone who's kinda been there, feel free to PM me. It can feel a bit isolating at times.

[cleo29]

Feb 17, 2020 16:11:53 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

cleo29 I liked your post because I've been there, in a way. I definitely understand how hard to can be to try to work it out, especially when it feels like people don't understand why you're trying. I'm glad to hear it's going well in counseling. If you ever want to talk with someone who's kinda been there, feel free to PM me. It can feel a bit isolating at times.

Thank you! I might take you up on that. I always say I wish I had someone to talk to who has come through to the other side and ask what helped. I would ask my mom, but honestly, her memory is not the best these days and she is very hard of hearing. I feel like it would be a frustrating endeavor on my part. lol

 I do think it is interesting that I am more fearful of him simply not wanting to be with me again more than of him cheating again. Maybe because at the heart of it, I know that is not really in his nature. I do think good people can make really, really, really bad choices, but it does not have to label them for life.

It's all very complicated.

[tiramisu]

cleo29, I agree, it is helpful to hear from others who've been in the situation. We did not end up staying together, but I know what made it hard to work on the relationship from my perspective and generally. I remember what it was like trying to rebuild. I know everyone's reactions are different, but I think there's always some commonality.

It absolutely is very complicated! Life, emotions, relationships, all messy and complicated!

[downtoearth]

Feb 17, 2020 17:27:32 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Feb 17, 2020 16:11:53 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

cleo29 I liked your post because I've been there, in a way. I definitely understand how hard to can be to try to work it out, especially when it feels like people don't understand why you're trying. I'm glad to hear it's going well in counseling. If you ever want to talk with someone who's kinda been there, feel free to PM me. It can feel a bit isolating at times.

Thank you! I might take you up on that. I always say I wish I had someone to talk to who has come through to the other side and ask what helped....

It's all very complicated.

I meant to post this this other day, but obviously I'm not that person who knows the after.

My sister is somewhat part of the way through to the "other side" of reconciliation after an affair. I'll can send you a PM if you have questions since I don't think she wants all of it out - although she has never hid what he did and he hasn't either. They tell people honestly that they separated for almost 6 months due to an infidelity issue and that it was the hardest time of their lives. The kids know too (well I age-appropriate know. The adult kids know most of it. The middle schooler knows it was a separation b/c of infidelity and dad had to work on some issues to be a better husband. The youngest is elementary and knows there were problems and dad had to work on himself). It's not common knowledge, but close friends and family know. 

But after almost 3 years (2 1/2 ish) she and her H are honestly happy. Generally, she says that their relationship is way better in some ways - like communication and actions matching words and emotional connection, but different or not as great in smaller ways. She is strong and independent, and was before so I think that is the best part, but she is more reliant on her whole friends/community/family for emotional support now and less putting all her emotions into her relationship with her H. Her H has clearly accepted that his actions were the problem and she didn't "cause" or their relationship at the time was not the "cause," but that he made choices that were selfish and deceptive. He is really good at reflecting now and deliberate in his actions and words - not just with my sister, but others too. There is so much more, but they are happy, still actively improving/working on their relationship consciously, and I think will be together for the rest of their lives. 

[cleo29]

downtoearth, That is encouraging to hear! I read some stories like that in The New Monogamy, which I really enjoyed. I do think we will get there and in some ways, things already feel better than they were before all of this. We definitely communicate more honestly (because really, the worst that could happen almost did) and that helps a lot. I can look back at the last three years and see that our marriage had a ton of outside stress put on it very quickly. Some from my side, some from his. I know he got in his head and just stopped talking to me about the big things and turned away. And then, here is this person acting like she is listening to everything and pretty much telling him what he wants to hear and putting me down in the process.

I know his remorse is genuine, which is everything in this process. I also think realizing that he fell for this woman's game is incredibly embarrassing for him, as it should be. I don't know, when you realize you were just a pawn in a person's game and that none of it was really genuine or true and that you risked everything for what amounted to nothing? I just... there are not enough words. lol I think something that is hard for me is people viewing him differently. Crazy as it might, I am protective of him in this area. All of our good friends know, but my extended family does not. My mom did not tell her family at all about my dad, not sure if she told any friends, which makes me sad in the sense that it is an incredibly hard and sad burden to carry by yourself. But, I think him finally confirming her suspicions and him dying were not terribly far apart. I would say within that year, maybe even 6 months, so maybe by that point, you don't want to highlight this terrible thing the person did because it serves no purpose. That even with all of that, she still loved him and wanted him here. To us certainly, we never knew and I think she would have kept it that way had we not run into the woman at a restaurant. All those years later and seeing her still bothered my mom. I think I will be the same way with this woman. I see her and my BP just shoots up.

Therapy is going well. I have my own, in part to work on things apart from this, but also to work through my feelings about the OW. This has felt personal to me for many reasons from the start and I have not gotten anything from her, even an acknowledgement of it which is annoying especially when she talks about making atonement. So, that is something I need to work on letting go of for my own sake.

[downtoearth]

cleo29, I am LOLing that I am the one giving you some hope. It is a bit ironic, b/c I have had to work really hard to re-envision my world view in the last year. I have had to actively give up that people are inherently good and want to be better, and have had to accept that some people are actually just selfish and unaware and content to be like that. My therapist would probably laugh that I'm still hopeful and believe in love - she knows I can't give that up.

I wish I could get you in touch with my sister or someone IRL b/c I know there is so much more than just "happy" at almost 3 years out that I can't articulate for her. It is complicated and nuanced. I hope you never find someone locally b/c this whole world we entered sucks and I wish nobody ever had to enter this (but really I do hope you find someone to relate with/talk to about this in between counseling sessions).

I do know that feeling you get seeing the OW - I still get that 1+ year out seeing XH's girlfriend/AP. My therapist knows I have to live with seeing her all the time in my small community, so we work on that anxiety part with gray rock responses that clearly don't feed XH or the OW's ego (and maybe even make her annoyed) and deep breaths to calm me. It's different in my case since my kids live with the XH and OW part time. Luckily I don't feel loss now - OW/AP can have XH. It's more the loss of kid time. I'm now to the angry part too (with the anxiety), and unluckily I'll never get to act on that and yell at them, so I get the privilege of having to work through it without any satisfaction of right/wrong or justice. I'm guessing you'll have to get to that too. And I have no answers for that, yet. Let me know if you find some ways other than physically working out when angry or journaling. I'm doing both of those.

[cleo29]

downtoearth, Yes, I have expressed my anger, quite well and many times, to H and that helps. It helps to be heard and let it out at the person who has hurt you. Not being able to do that with the other person who hurt me is really hard, which I know you get. And while I guess I could have confronted her at some point, I think she would get a thrill out of seeing me hurt and angry. And I don't want to give that to her. I do think I will write a letter at some point, and whether i send or not is not the point, but just to get it all out. I might also gift her the book "When You're The One Who Cheats" For her, this is chronic behavior and I think she gets a thrill breaking marriages up or at least playing a role. Not just in having the relationship, but actively saying things like you should leave and things like that.

And to just say one more petty annoyance about her, she has a small cookie business she runs and before now it is has gone through several iterations. Paleo, gluten free, etc. And the final thing she landed on she definitely got from me and it drives me crazy. Because it is just fake. Gah!