PSAs (add your own)

[justkly]

Feb 15, 2020 17:34:27 GMT -5 nessness said:

Feb 15, 2020 17:23:51 GMT -5 justkly said:

I understand as we are infertile, but I know that when people make casual conversation with me in the office, I don’t relate it to it being “personal”. I take it as they are trying to make polite conversation. And it’s a general question that everyone asks.

Someone upthread used the word “loaded”. I feel like that helps convey what I mean more. I don’t go into depth or pry. And when someone asks me, I don’t feel like the person is asking me a loaded question. It’s usually just conversation filler., getting to know you stuff. I’m not asking about a random persons struggle and I’m pretty sure when they make small talk with me, they really aren’t asking me to explain our IVF plans or anything along those lines.

But why ask questions that even have the potential to be hurtful, when there are so many other questions you could ask instead?

"How was your weekend?"
"Do you have any vacations planned?"
"Have you read any good books lately?"

...and so on.

If someone is engaged, you can ask about wedding plans, and if someone has announced they or their partner is pregant, you can ask about that, but otherwise, it's none of your business.

Ok.

[jewel]

Feb 15, 2020 17:23:51 GMT -5 justkly said:

Feb 15, 2020 16:31:21 GMT -5 jewel said:

If your goal is to be polite, then you’re failing miserably.

This is a deeply personal question, and something that many people struggle with. Ask about anything else, literally. Or stand there in silence. Would you chat about the weather and then transition to a question “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever been through?” Maybe it means nothing to you, and especially if it means nothing to you...don’t bring it up with someone you don’t know, as casual conversation.

I understand as we are infertile, but I know that when people make casual conversation with me in the office, I don’t relate it to it being “personal”. I take it as they are trying to make polite conversation. And it’s a general question that everyone asks.

Someone upthread used the word “loaded”. I feel like that helps convey what I mean more. I don’t go into depth or pry. And when someone asks me, I don’t feel like the person is asking me a loaded question. It’s usually just conversation filler., getting to know you stuff. I’m not asking about a random persons struggle and I’m pretty sure when they make small talk with me, they really aren’t asking me to explain our IVF plans or anything along those lines.

People in real life are telling you it’s rude and insensitive. People here are telling you the same thing. Even if you don’t personally find it problematic, why can’t you just stop? There are approximately 1 million other more appropriate things to make small talk about that aren’t so possibly “loaded.”

Someone asked me something similar when I was fairly newly married and privately going through a very terrible miscarriage. I smiled and said something normal, but I still remember the feeling of having my heart ripped out of my chest by an acquaintance at a baseball game. Obviously I know their intentions were as yours are, but why risk doing that to someone?

And FFS, if you insist on asking inappropriate questions, be prepared for people to get upset. That’s the risk you choose.

[foundmylazybum]

Feb 15, 2020 17:23:51 GMT -5 justkly said:

Feb 15, 2020 16:31:21 GMT -5 jewel said:

If your goal is to be polite, then you’re failing miserably.

This is a deeply personal question, and something that many people struggle with. Ask about anything else, literally. Or stand there in silence. Would you chat about the weather and then transition to a question “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever been through?” Maybe it means nothing to you, and especially if it means nothing to you...don’t bring it up with someone you don’t know, as casual conversation.

I understand as we are infertile, but I know that when people make casual conversation with me in the office, I don’t relate it to it being “personal”. I take it as they are trying to make polite conversation. And it’s a general question that everyone asks.

Someone upthread used the word “loaded”. I feel like that helps convey what I mean more. I don’t go into depth or pry. And when someone asks me, I don’t feel like the person is asking me a loaded question. It’s usually just conversation filler., getting to know you stuff. I’m not asking about a random persons struggle and I’m pretty sure when they make small talk with me, they really aren’t asking me to explain our IVF plans or anything along those lines.

You are not socially intelligent.

You don't ask a person about their engagement or wedding plans and not expect a detailed answer.

Its a topic people CARE about. Ergo by you asking its assumed you care about them and their process.

Moron.

[seeyalater52]

Feb 15, 2020 17:23:51 GMT -5 justkly said:

Feb 15, 2020 16:31:21 GMT -5 jewel said:

If your goal is to be polite, then you’re failing miserably.

This is a deeply personal question, and something that many people struggle with. Ask about anything else, literally. Or stand there in silence. Would you chat about the weather and then transition to a question “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever been through?” Maybe it means nothing to you, and especially if it means nothing to you...don’t bring it up with someone you don’t know, as casual conversation.

I understand as we are infertile, but I know that when people make casual conversation with me in the office, I don’t relate it to it being “personal”. I take it as they are trying to make polite conversation. And it’s a general question that everyone asks.

Someone upthread used the word “loaded”. I feel like that helps convey what I mean more. I don’t go into depth or pry. And when someone asks me, I don’t feel like the person is asking me a loaded question. It’s usually just conversation filler., getting to know you stuff. I’m not asking about a random persons struggle and I’m pretty sure when they make small talk with me, they really aren’t asking me to explain our IVF plans or anything along those lines.

Oh yes, because you don’t mind it, it’s obviously totally fine. Even though more than a dozen people here have voiced that it makes us feel deeply uncomfortable or upset. But by all means, it’s all about you.

If you want to be rude, be rude. But don’t bother trying to justify it.

[wanderingback]

Feb 15, 2020 17:23:51 GMT -5 justkly said:

Feb 15, 2020 16:31:21 GMT -5 jewel said:

If your goal is to be polite, then you’re failing miserably.

This is a deeply personal question, and something that many people struggle with. Ask about anything else, literally. Or stand there in silence. Would you chat about the weather and then transition to a question “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever been through?” Maybe it means nothing to you, and especially if it means nothing to you...don’t bring it up with someone you don’t know, as casual conversation.

I understand as we are infertile, but I know that when people make casual conversation with me in the office, I don’t relate it to it being “personal”. I take it as they are trying to make polite conversation. And it’s a general question that everyone asks.

Someone upthread used the word “loaded”. I feel like that helps convey what I mean more. I don’t go into depth or pry. And when someone asks me, I don’t feel like the person is asking me a loaded question. It’s usually just conversation filler., getting to know you stuff. I’m not asking about a random persons struggle and I’m pretty sure when they make small talk with me, they really aren’t asking me to explain our IVF plans or anything along those lines.

You are being an asshole about this.
SOME people, understandably so, don’t like these questions.
So just err on the side of caution and don’t bring it up.
It really is not that difficult to not be an asshole and to not ask people these questions.

[justkly]

Feb 15, 2020 17:59:24 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Feb 15, 2020 17:23:51 GMT -5 justkly said:

I understand as we are infertile, but I know that when people make casual conversation with me in the office, I don’t relate it to it being “personal”. I take it as they are trying to make polite conversation. And it’s a general question that everyone asks.

Someone upthread used the word “loaded”. I feel like that helps convey what I mean more. I don’t go into depth or pry. And when someone asks me, I don’t feel like the person is asking me a loaded question. It’s usually just conversation filler., getting to know you stuff. I’m not asking about a random persons struggle and I’m pretty sure when they make small talk with me, they really aren’t asking me to explain our IVF plans or anything along those lines.

You are being an asshole about this.
SOME people, understandably so, don’t like these questions.
So just err on the side of caution and don’t bring it up.
It really is not that difficult to not be an asshole and to not ask people these questions.

Ok.

[konapoppy]

Feb 15, 2020 15:49:17 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Feb 15, 2020 15:22:18 GMT -5 felicity said:

Right? DC area here, and I can't imagine what it must be like to have major roads so empty that people leave a whole lane open for passing.

You don’t need to leave the left lane open if you’re driving fast enough to pass people. You should never be going 50 mph in the left lane, so people going 60 or 70 or whatever have to pass you on the right or weave in and out of traffic because you are in the left lane.

I live in the NYC area. I’ve also lived and commuted in Los Angeles and Chicago. It’s entirely possible to pass in the left lane and move over for someone going faster than you so they can pass. Move over!

“Actually, in most states, they're breaking the law. California, Indiana and 28 other states require drivers to move out of the passing lane if they are driving slower than the "normal speed of traffic." "Normal speed" doesn't mean the speed limit. You can be traveling faster than the limit and still be in violation if the traffic flow is going faster than you are.”


www.sfgate.com/cars/article/slow-traffic-speed-passing-ticket-Indiana-Wheeles-13011835.php

Your post proves my point?

This is from the CA DMV:
Drive in the lane with the smoothest flow of traffic. If you can choose among three lanes, pick the middle lane for the smoothest driving. To drive faster, pass, or turn left, use the left lane. When you choose to drive slowly, enter or exit traffic on the right, turn right, park, or move off the road, use the right lane.

In some states, you can legally only use the left lane for passing. In CA, you can stay in the left lane whether or not you are actively passing.

[sproctopus]

Feb 15, 2020 17:23:51 GMT -5 justkly said:

Feb 15, 2020 16:31:21 GMT -5 jewel said:

If your goal is to be polite, then you’re failing miserably.

This is a deeply personal question, and something that many people struggle with. Ask about anything else, literally. Or stand there in silence. Would you chat about the weather and then transition to a question “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever been through?” Maybe it means nothing to you, and especially if it means nothing to you...don’t bring it up with someone you don’t know, as casual conversation.

I understand as we are infertile, but I know that when people make casual conversation with me in the office, I don’t relate it to it being “personal”. I take it as they are trying to make polite conversation. And it’s a general question that everyone asks.

Someone upthread used the word “loaded”. I feel like that helps convey what I mean more. I don’t go into depth or pry. And when someone asks me, I don’t feel like the person is asking me a loaded question. It’s usually just conversation filler., getting to know you stuff. I’m not asking about a random persons struggle and I’m pretty sure when they make small talk with me, they really aren’t asking me to explain our IVF plans or anything along those lines.

And when people asked me if we were having kids, it felt deeply hurtful to be polite to someone being rude and say "no". The feelings that go behind not acknowledging a child that has passed away linger for much longer than your unnecessary topic for small talk.

And your defensiveness and dismissive approach to being told you're wrong is strange. Pick a new topic and stop being a jerk on purpose.

[macmars45]

Feb 15, 2020 16:05:56 GMT -5 litskispeciality said:

I hate when people say "when are you trying for a boy?" To parents, esp if its because you have to "pass the family name along", girls can do that...plus dont worry about peoples reproductive plans or lack there of.

H and I are OAD with our DS. I can't even tell you how many people have told me "yeah, but that's only because you had a boy". Uh, no. It's always been our plan to have one biological child and potentially look into fostering or adopting for a second child. H and I agreed on that before we got married.

[Patsy Baloney]

What an asshole.

[winecat]

Feb 15, 2020 19:37:16 GMT -5 Patsy Baloney said:

What an asshole.

Now this is a PSA: accurate and widely applicable.  

[loira]

Feb 15, 2020 18:30:26 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

Feb 15, 2020 17:23:51 GMT -5 justkly said:

I understand as we are infertile, but I know that when people make casual conversation with me in the office, I don’t relate it to it being “personal”. I take it as they are trying to make polite conversation. And it’s a general question that everyone asks.

Someone upthread used the word “loaded”. I feel like that helps convey what I mean more. I don’t go into depth or pry. And when someone asks me, I don’t feel like the person is asking me a loaded question. It’s usually just conversation filler., getting to know you stuff. I’m not asking about a random persons struggle and I’m pretty sure when they make small talk with me, they really aren’t asking me to explain our IVF plans or anything along those lines.

And when people asked me if we were having kids, it felt deeply hurtful to be polite to someone being rude and say "no". The feelings that go behind not acknowledging a child that has passed away linger for much longer than your unnecessary topic for small talk.

And your defensiveness and dismissive approach to being told you're wrong is strange. Pick a new topic and stop being a jerk on purpose.

This.

@@ When people ask "just the one then?" Or "is she your first?" it forces me to make a split second decision about the kind of pain I want to experience. Do I want to deny my dead child for social ease, and feel horrible and guilty and grief-stricken anew? Or do I want to reveal something deeply personal, expose myself to potential judgement or hurtful comments? It's been 5 years and I'm no longer raw, but I do not think a stranger deserves a window into my heart.

These questions go beyond the first layer of "getting to know you" that small talk is for. Small talk is for the weather, weekend plans, more weather. Being polite is not the same thing as being open. It's not even the same thing as being friendly, IMO.

[Deleted]

Feb 15, 2020 20:39:23 GMT -5 JayhawkGirl said:

Feb 15, 2020 11:36:03 GMT -5 lostlenore said:

This drives me crazy. Especially when used to brush off car safety. “I didn’t use a booster seat & I was fine, so my 5 year-old doesn’t need one either.” Okay, you were fine, but so many other kids weren’t & that’s why laws and recommendations changed.

And... our fuel efficient cars aren’t massive blobs of steel that can absorb crashes like my grandparents my cars could!

And idiots back then couldn’t text and drive!

[dock]

Feb 15, 2020 20:42:25 GMT -5 @villainv said:

Feb 15, 2020 20:39:23 GMT -5 JayhawkGirl said:

And... our fuel efficient cars aren’t massive blobs of steel that can absorb crashes like my grandparents my cars could!

And idiots back then couldn’t text and drive!

And there was no such thing as a 75mph speed limit (on a road they drove daily).

[notsopicky]

For the obtuse moron upthread, ask the question about books. That's a good one.

[pixy0stix]

Feb 15, 2020 19:57:51 GMT -5 loira said:

Feb 15, 2020 18:30:26 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

And when people asked me if we were having kids, it felt deeply hurtful to be polite to someone being rude and say "no". The feelings that go behind not acknowledging a child that has passed away linger for much longer than your unnecessary topic for small talk.

And your defensiveness and dismissive approach to being told you're wrong is strange. Pick a new topic and stop being a jerk on purpose.

This.

@@ When people ask "just the one then?" Or "is she your first?" it forces me to make a split second decision about the kind of pain I want to experience. Do I want to deny my dead child for social ease, and feel horrible and guilty and grief-stricken anew? Or do I want to reveal something deeply personal, expose myself to potential judgement or hurtful comments? It's been 5 years and I'm no longer raw, but I do not think a stranger deserves a window into my heart.

These questions go beyond the first layer of "getting to know you" that small talk is for. Small talk is for the weather, weekend plans, more weather. Being polite is not the same thing as being open. It's not even the same thing as being friendly, IMO.

Agreed. I'm getting the, "Is he your first?" questions, and people in general tend to regret when I answer honestly. I'm not going to deny the existence of my daughter just because people want nice chit chat.

[bonnie]

Feb 15, 2020 20:39:23 GMT -5 JayhawkGirl said:

Feb 15, 2020 11:36:03 GMT -5 lostlenore said:

This drives me crazy. Especially when used to brush off car safety. “I didn’t use a booster seat & I was fine, so my 5 year-old doesn’t need one either.” Okay, you were fine, but so many other kids weren’t & that’s why laws and recommendations changed.

And... our fuel efficient cars aren’t massive blobs of steel that can absorb crashes like my grandparents my cars could!

Vehicles today absorb crash forces significantly better than the vehicles our grandparents drove!

[foundmylazybum]

Feb 15, 2020 20:39:23 GMT -5 JayhawkGirl said:

Feb 15, 2020 11:36:03 GMT -5 lostlenore said:

This drives me crazy. Especially when used to brush off car safety. “I didn’t use a booster seat & I was fine, so my 5 year-old doesn’t need one either.” Okay, you were fine, but so many other kids weren’t & that’s why laws and recommendations changed.

And... our fuel efficient cars aren’t massive blobs of steel that can absorb crashes like my grandparents my cars could!

Just an FYI in this PSA that assists in this type or argument:

While cars of yesteryear might have been blobs of steel, they certainly weren't better at absorbing impact than cars of today.

Today's cars are made of much better materials, we understand impact zones and crumple zones, we have airbags and anti lock breaks. Those huge blobs of steal were extremely heavy and thus due to inertia took longer to stop and could slam into things with much greater impact.

The idea that "things were fine when I was a child BC 'I' didn't get hurt' is pretty much false.

Cars, car safety, car seats..the science on all this is so much more advanced than "back in my day" cane shakers lol. Anyone saying differently is pretty much a dodo.

[dani302011]

Feb 15, 2020 7:22:22 GMT -5 justkly said:

When I ask someone if they are getting married soon or if kids are next, it’s just simple chit chat filler. It’s pretty much a meaningless question, sort of like ‘how’s the weather,’ but we already ran out of that part of small talk. No need to take It personal or give me Deep responses or get mad that someone asked you that question AGAIN. It’s general chatter and not something I’d actually ask someone I already know. Look Debbie, I honestly don’t care. I’m just trying to be polite in social settings.

I haven’t responded on this board in quite some time, but I think you need different small talk topics. Both of those topics are personal and not necessary even from family never mind someone I don’t know.

I just gave birth (Jan 23) to a beautiful baby girl at 26 weeks after 8 years of infertility, more IuI’s then I can count and unsuccessful IVF. She passed away in my arms 8 days later. She was grown small and not able to survive here on earth, but she was my daughter and I love her more then I ever imagined. I bet you didn’t want to hear or read that, but guess what that’s where we are at with kids and if you don’t want to know don’t ask. I also don’t mind talking about it because she is my daughter and I love her and her story and time here. But most likely it will involve tears. So again don’t ask if you don’t care or don’t want to hear. That hurts more then the questions themselves.

[shopgirl07]

I’m sorry for your loss dani302011,

[icedcoffee]

dani302011 so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Sending you love.

[sproctopus]

dani302011 all my love. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter.

[lovelyshoes]

dani302011 I am so sorry for your tremendous loss.

[gummybear]

I am so sorry dani302011
Holding you in the light ❤️

[suzubell]

Sending you love and light, Dani!

[wanderingback]

Feb 15, 2020 18:01:20 GMT -5 justkly said:

Feb 15, 2020 17:59:24 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

You are being an asshole about this.
SOME people, understandably so, don’t like these questions.
So just err on the side of caution and don’t bring it up.
It really is not that difficult to not be an asshole and to not ask people these questions.

Ok.

So does "Ok" mean you regret hurting people and you understand why those questions matter to some people and you won’t ask them anymore?

[cville]

dani302011, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl.

[fivechickens]

Feb 16, 2020 17:27:14 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Feb 15, 2020 18:01:20 GMT -5 justkly said:

Ok.

So does "Ok" mean you regret hurting people and you understand why those questions matter to some people and you won’t ask them anymore?

It means she doesn’t give a shit about what you or anyone else is saying about minding her own business and showing some compassion because she is an asshole. Right justkly?

But I am really just speculating.

[fivechickens]

dani302011 I am so sorry for your loss.

[cleo29]

I am so sorry for your incredible loss, dani302011