Can I ask this over here?

[moonriver]

Hi. I mainly post on TTTC, but I have a question that I thought would be more appropriate for this group, if that’s okay. I have an almost 4 year old who was conceived on my second round of clomid, after 18 months of trying. We’ve been TTC a second baby for almost 2.5 years now and have come to the conclusion that it just might not happen. My question is this; is there such a thing as groups for single children families? We were involved with a great playgroup but I have pulled away from them as it’s still difficult for me to come to terms with my friends/acquaintances going on to have baby numbers two and three while I’m still struggling. I know that eventually I’ll be in a stage of life where this isn’t as much of an issue (both because I’ll hopefully move on/cope better, and my peers won’t be having babies forever), but for now I would love to find a safe space where I can make friends with moms who also have only one child (whether by choice or because of a similar situation to mine). Does this exist? Am I crazy for wanting something like this? We are in the process of buying a home/moving, so I’m really hoping I can find a friend or two in our new neighborhood, but in the event that doesn’t happen I’d love to know if there are any places I should be searching for friends. This sounds so desperate, but also I guess I am, so please be gentle if I’m being ridiculous.

[scm1011]

You're not being ridiculous. My local moms FB group has an offshoot for those experiencing secondary infertility exactly for this reason, and the main group has decided to not discuss younger siblings to be sensitive to those who desperately want a 2nd but haven't been successful (the group is sorted by school year, so our kids are all 3 or 4 and a lot of women have gone on to have 2nd or 3rd babies).

I think our area FB groups are uniquely popular (I live in a densely populated urban area), but maybe you can look to see if your new neighborhood has something like this? I can guarantee you're not alone in your feelings.

[moonriver]

Feb 29, 2020 15:12:14 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

You're not being ridiculous. My local moms FB group has an offshoot for those experiencing secondary infertility exactly for this reason, and the main group has decided to not discuss younger siblings to be sensitive to those who desperately want a 2nd but haven't been successful (the group is sorted by school year, so our kids are all 3 or 4 and a lot of women have gone on to have 2nd or 3rd babies).

I think our area FB groups are uniquely popular (I live in a densely populated urban area), but maybe you can look to see if your new neighborhood has something like this? I can guarantee you're not alone in your feelings.

Thank you so much for your response. Honestly I feel so alone that (while I don’t wish this on anyone) its nice to hear something may exist. I know our new neighborhood has a FB group, once we move I might ask on there if there are any neighborhood moms specific groups, and go from there. If I can’t find anything, I’m up for creating my own group. Maybe on meetup or something?

[seeyalater52]

I just want to say moonriver that this is a great idea! If we take home this babe it is likely that they’ll be an only child and we would definitely love to have the experience of meeting up with other one kid families.

[Mushe]

We were in the same position for a long time, and it definitely stung to talk to moms who 1) didn’t know infertility or 2) who did, but had been successful. I think that’s the big question - will it be hurtful to be in crowds with those who have one child by choice? If not, I bet you’ll find only children groups to interact with locally!

[moonriver]

Feb 29, 2020 18:16:46 GMT -5 Mushe said:

We were in the same position for a long time, and it definitely stung to talk to moms who 1) didn’t know infertility or 2) who did, but had been successful. I think that’s the big question - will it be hurtful to be in crowds with those who have one child by choice? If not, I bet you’ll find only children groups to interact with locally!

Good point. I think one child by choice wouldn’t be as hard to deal with. What’s most difficult right now is a) friends getting pregnant and b) all of the chatter about babies, and the difficulties newborns bring, and how hard it is to have more than one child. That’s the stuff I can’t bring myself to listen to. I don’t imagine having any issues with someone one and done by choice. I don’t necessarily need someone who understands infertility, but I am looking for friends for my son and myself in a situation where I just don’t have to deal with babies.

[megkat]

Feb 29, 2020 18:23:44 GMT -5 moonriver said:

Feb 29, 2020 18:16:46 GMT -5 Mushe said:

We were in the same position for a long time, and it definitely stung to talk to moms who 1) didn’t know infertility or 2) who did, but had been successful. I think that’s the big question - will it be hurtful to be in crowds with those who have one child by choice? If not, I bet you’ll find only children groups to interact with locally!

Good point. I think one child by choice wouldn’t be as hard to deal with. What’s most difficult right now is a) friends getting pregnant and b) all of the chatter about babies, and the difficulties newborns bring, and how hard it is to have more than one child. That’s the stuff I can’t bring myself to listen to. I don’t imagine having any issues with someone one and done by choice. I don’t necessarily need someone who understands infertility, but I am looking for friends for my son and myself in a situation where I just don’t have to deal with babies.

I’m in basically the same situation as you (my DD is five and after seven unsuccessful IUI’s, we are one and done not by choice). One of my closest mom friends has an only (by choice), and that hasn’t been an issue for us at all. I agree, it’s nice when I can find other moms who “get” IF, but really, I just don’t want to hear other moms bemoan sibling squabbles, or tell adorable stories about their kids together, when I want that so badly and can’t have that.

[bcv513]

I’m also in the same boat. DD turns four next week and we have been TTC since her first birthday with no luck. DD took eighteen months and a loss so I expected difficulty but not this. I’m having all kinds of feelings about her upcoming birthday. I’m trying so hard to enjoy every second with her but I’m struggling.

[loira]

I'm OAD by choice, but a huge factor in that choice was my history of loss, difficult pregnancy with my DD, and PPA that lasted almost 2 years. I got pregnant again last summer when we were on the fence about trying and miscarried soon after and just thought "never mind, I can't do this again." I still get jealous of people whose family planning has come easily to them. I would love to meet local families with only children.

[moonriver]

Feb 29, 2020 18:34:54 GMT -5 megkat said:

Feb 29, 2020 18:23:44 GMT -5 moonriver said:

Good point. I think one child by choice wouldn’t be as hard to deal with. What’s most difficult right now is a) friends getting pregnant and b) all of the chatter about babies, and the difficulties newborns bring, and how hard it is to have more than one child. That’s the stuff I can’t bring myself to listen to. I don’t imagine having any issues with someone one and done by choice. I don’t necessarily need someone who understands infertility, but I am looking for friends for my son and myself in a situation where I just don’t have to deal with babies.

I’m in basically the same situation as you (my DD is five and after seven unsuccessful IUI’s, we are one and done not by choice). One of my closest mom friends has an only (by choice), and that hasn’t been an issue for us at all. I agree, it’s nice when I can find other moms who “get” IF, but really, I just don’t want to hear other moms bemoan sibling squabbles, or tell adorable stories about their kids together, when I want that so badly and can’t have that.

Yes, yes. That’s exactly what I mean. I’m sorry you’re in the same boat. We’ve done 4 IUIs (I think. I can’t remember at this point) and we are most likely choosing not to go forward with IVF.

[moonriver]

Feb 29, 2020 18:38:34 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I’m also in the same boat. DD turns four next week and we have been TTC since her first birthday with no luck. DD took eighteen months and a loss so I expected difficulty but not this. I’m having all kinds of feelings about her upcoming birthday. I’m trying so hard to enjoy every second with her but I’m struggling.

I’m really sorry you’re struggling. As we get closer to closing the door on TTC no.2, I do find it getting a little bit easier. I’ve always wanted two children, and still very much do, but once we stop TTC for real and move forward I think it will continue to get easier. The middle ground of trying unsuccessfully but still keeping all the baby stuff “just in case” is the worst, IMO. I’ve started going through our baby stuff and giving it away/selling it, and while it is emotional, it’s also been helpful.

[moonriver]

Feb 29, 2020 19:30:57 GMT -5 loira said:

I'm OAD by choice, but a huge factor in that choice was my history of loss, difficult pregnancy with my DD, and PPA that lasted almost 2 years. I got pregnant again last summer when we were on the fence about trying and miscarried soon after and just thought "never mind, I can't do this again." I still get jealous of people whose family planning has come easily to them. I would love to meet local families with only children.

Hugs. I’m sorry for your losses. Part of our choice not to go forward with IVF is because I don’t think I could handle the emotional side of it. It would be awesome if we did it and it worked the first round, but if it didn’t I would be wrecked.

[boiler717]

Hugs. While we haven’t officially tried for a second, I have a lot of feelings about being OAD. I’m not quite ready to close the door but I am trying to work towards it. Just this weekend I am selling baby gear. We are moving and don’t have room for it. Some of our closest friends have one child and it’s been great to have them to bounce ideas off of and see the positives.
I’d love more threads on here. I’ve been avoiding grad chatter because it’s hard for me to see people have kids around my son’s age on their second child (but I’m happy for you guys!).

[moonriver]

Mar 7, 2020 14:46:46 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

Hugs. While we haven’t officially tried for a second, I have a lot of feelings about being OAD. I’m not quite ready to close the door but I am trying to work towards it. Just this weekend I am selling baby gear. We are moving and don’t have room for it. Some of our closest friends have one child and it’s been great to have them to bounce ideas off of and see the positives.
I’d love more threads on here. I’ve been avoiding grad chatter because it’s hard for me to see people have kids around my son’s age on their second child (but I’m happy for you guys!).

How old is your son? Mine will be four in June. I’m glad you have friends with one child. I really think it would help me to have friends with one child as well. Here’s hoping!

[boiler717]

Mar 7, 2020 16:37:08 GMT -5 moonriver said:

Mar 7, 2020 14:46:46 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

Hugs. While we haven’t officially tried for a second, I have a lot of feelings about being OAD. I’m not quite ready to close the door but I am trying to work towards it. Just this weekend I am selling baby gear. We are moving and don’t have room for it. Some of our closest friends have one child and it’s been great to have them to bounce ideas off of and see the positives.
I’d love more threads on here. I’ve been avoiding grad chatter because it’s hard for me to see people have kids around my son’s age on their second child (but I’m happy for you guys!).

How old is your son? Mine will be four in June. I’m glad you have friends with one child. I really think it would help me to have friends with one child as well. Here’s hoping!

Mine was 4 in December! I’m happy to text / message about things any time.