The only in-person interaction we have had (or will have) with anyone throughout that process was viewing 3 homes with gloves on and staying all the way across the room from a realtor - and this was also while we were not under stay at home orders and the general advice was to stay 6 feet apart. We are moving ourselves so we won't come in contact with anyone there either (I guess technically we could infect a Uhaul or become infected, but we will fully clean anything we touch before and after we move). Closing is happening remotely. I've had more contact with a cashier at the grocery store than I'll have with anyone during this whole process, so I don't think it's really a comparable thing. And I'm frankly not really comfortable with it anyway, but I can't live in this apartment another year. Between the lack of security and the lack of basic hygiene in the building, I do not feel safe living here, especially after being carjacked right outside the door. We have to be out by the end of June.
Anyway my comments truly were not meant to judge - the question is what would you do. I would not feel comfortable traveling that far and having close contact with loved ones who I could potentially expose.
I like you too and think you mean well, but come the fuck on. You hate where you live so much that you just HAD to move and that is somehow more justified than someone trying to say goodbye to their dying love one? The grieving need to make heartbreaking sacrifices but you don't need to make the sacrifice of putting off moving? It is hypothetical, you know what I mean?
Again, I truly think you mean well but think you need to take a step back and understand how it is really hypothetical to tell the grieving they need to make sacrifices, ya know?
This is what I hate about posting on message boards, because this really isn't what I was saying at all and is twisting my advice to make me sound like an asshole. I said nothing about how anyone should make a sacrifice under a tragic situation and also didn't say it would be wrong for OP's H to go. This isn't a greater good thing IMO - it's literally a risk to be around family members right now who live outside your home, and it's a greater risk if you've had to travel and be in contact with a bunch of people in order to get there. I read an article last week about a major outbreak in a smaller town in Georgia that started at a funeral. People got together to grieve and support one another, and many of them ended up dead as a result. The only thing I can think of that would be worse than my sister dying right now is if I traveled to support my parents and exposed them to a virus that would kill them.
The fact that I'm moving is really not relevant here, but I'm a little sensitive about this I guess because it's not that I hate where i live (our actual apartment is fine), it is literally an unsafe situation where I've been a victim of a crime and the landlords continue to do nothing to secure or clean the building during a public health crisis. If we don't move we are stuck here for another 15 months and I fully believe we are at risk by doing so. We are literally coming into contact with nobody during the move and our families are not being exposed so bringing this up and calling me a hypocrite for doing something that lowers my risk of harm and is a completely different circumstance is actually really hurtful to me.
Post by cinnamoncox0 on Apr 4, 2020 13:03:11 GMT -5
I’m so sorry your family is in this terrible position. It really is tough. My main worry would be dh possibly infecting his parents and then there’s more grief on top of everything else. If he truly has to go then I would buy the ticket one way there then drive home if he can’t get a return trip. Thinking of you.
My hospital has shut down to visitors. Exceptions are made for end of life situations. It's likely not all of them can be at the bedside at one time, but can rotate in and out. Regardless, go.
I also believe he would be safer flying than driving. I don't think he's in the right mental spot to do such a long drive.
I don’t know what the “right” answer is, but people saying there’s nothing that OP’s H could do right now are underestimating the healing power of being with loved ones during such a traumatic time.
I think this is one of the hardest things about this time in history, because I agree with you 100% - but we also have many thousands of people who are being forced to be apart from loved ones while they are very sick or dying right now. Families everywhere are unable to grieve together due to the virus. I am very worried about the mental health fallout of all of these restrictions and the trauma people are going to be dealing with for years as a result of this virus. But if everyone who is losing a loved one decides that grieving together is more important than sheltering in place, we are going to end up with even more deaths. It's just not possible right now for everyone to do that.
This all fucking sucks so much.
To quote- this is exactly what you said. So the grieving need to shelter in place, but you don't? Please don't act like you looking at houses, and moving don't put you or others at risk. Because it does, and I don't give a shit about it either way. You need to do what you need to do by moving. This man also needs to do what he needs to do by seeing his dying brother. Stop acting like your actions are any different than theirs. And frankly, theirs are extremely warranted- his brother is fucking dying. Why is your moving more warranted than his death?? Ya know? I am sorry if that was harsh but it is true.
All you needed to say was "my bad, I was wrong. I can see how me telling him to stay home was hypocritical. I wish him good travels."
That's all. You don't need to be defensive or this proboards are out to get you It's all good!
I think this is one of the hardest things about this time in history, because I agree with you 100% - but we also have many thousands of people who are being forced to be apart from loved ones while they are very sick or dying right now. Families everywhere are unable to grieve together due to the virus. I am very worried about the mental health fallout of all of these restrictions and the trauma people are going to be dealing with for years as a result of this virus. But if everyone who is losing a loved one decides that grieving together is more important than sheltering in place, we are going to end up with even more deaths. It's just not possible right now for everyone to do that.
This all fucking sucks so much.
To quote- this is exactly what you said. So the grieving need to shelter in place, but you don't? Please don't act like you looking at houses, and moving don't put you or others at risk. Because it does, and I don't give a shit about it either way. You need to do what you need to do by moving. This man also needs to do what he needs to do by seeing his dying brother. Stop acting like your actions are any different than theirs. And frankly, theirs are extremely warranted- his brother is fucking dying. Why is your moving more warranted than his death?? Ya know? I am sorry if that was harsh but it is true.
All you needed to say was "my bad, I was wrong. I can see how me telling him to stay home was hypocritical. I wish him good travels."
That's all. You don't need to be defensive or this proboards are out to get you It's all good!
Well, I don't think I made my point very well in that quote then. It wasn't "you need to make a sacrifice for the greater good". It was "it's not safe to be with other people right now and it totally sucks". Moving is absolutely not more important than being with grieving relatives, it's just completely different levels of risk IMO. I admit I'm scared to death of getting sick or getting a family member sick so there is no way I would personally want to be anywhere near my parents right now. If someone else feels differently that's up to them to decide.
I am sorry that I have been unable to express myself properly and that this has become about me. I wish OP and her family, and everyone dealing with tough choices, nothing but health and safety through all of this.
If it was someone I was very close to, I would travel, yes. If my H was in this position and wanted to travel, then I would support him. I would deem this essential travel, personally.
This is hard, I'm so sorry your guys are dealing with this, and to have it happen right now is just that much more difficult.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Post by wanderingback on Apr 4, 2020 15:49:53 GMT -5
I just saw the update. So very sorry. I hope that your pain can be eased somehow in time. Thank you for sharing about your BIL, sounds like a great person.
Post by foundmylazybum on Apr 4, 2020 15:52:29 GMT -5
My goodness. I'm so sorry.
I would go, BC the regret would kill me on several levels.
I would social distance on as many levels as I could (wash hands, wear mask, stand 6 feet apart, try to sterilize the area etc)
I would fly non stop and try to isolate when I was at my dads. When he came home I would go ahead and isolate again and just do that with love and concern.
I think your husband is correct to worry about his dads mental health and isolation.
Its not a decision you are making lightly and you can take a lot of precautions to minimize risks.
Much love to you and especially your husband and his family
I’m just so very sorry. I’m glad he got to say goodbye over the phone, but I’m sorry he couldn’t see his brother again. My thoughts are with your family during this time.
This is a heartbreaking situation with literally no right answer. I am so sorry for your H and your family. I hope he is able to find some comfort and closure over time.
Post by nancybotwin on Apr 4, 2020 16:26:45 GMT -5
I’m so sorry devonpow. He sounds like he was an amazing human being. May his memory be a blessing. Not being able to be with family during this time is awful. My only comparison is when my aunt died on 9/11 and I was across the country from my family - it was traumatic. But I was able to travel by the end of the week...I really hope your husband is able to travel when this all passes and gets to grieve with his family and have some closure.