Need some advice about 2yo issues

[lessel]

I'm struggling on a few fronts at the moment, but one that is really upsetting me is DS2's behavior. Some backstory...

He turned 2 in mid-June. He was diagnosed at 15m with an expressive language delay. He's been seeing a SLP since Jan (teletherapy since Mar...we're trying, but it ain't great). He's got about ~50 words now, but isn't using any phrases (he just strung two words together this week: "big car"). So... progress, but he's still behind. He has a handful of behavioral/physical things that could be 'quirks' or weird 'terrible twos' toddler stuff... or more than that. We're seeing a developmental psychologist at the recommendation of our SLP and our pediatrician in mid-August for an evaluation. Some of the 'concerns' include toe-walking, intense body tensing, lining up toys, intense fascination with a part of a toy, intense focus on a few specific toys, issues with blankets being laid perfectly flat, repetitive behaviors (turning lights on and off), somewhat less sensitive to pain, difficulty with transitions. So yeah, long list of 'stuff' that, frankly, could all amount to nothing... or something.

But my real issue is his temper and his unprovoked outbursts toward DS1 (5yo)... And I just feel like I'm not dealing with it well. I know the language delay could be impacting some of this, but it also seems kind of more extreme than that. DS2 has pretty major tantrums when he doesn't get his way. DS1 was never the throw-self-on-floor-screaming tantrum type, so DS2 has kind of thrown us for a loop. I get that different kids are different in how they deal with stuff, so we're adapting and trying to roll with those punches. What I'm more concerned with is how quickly (often unprovoked) he gets physical with DS1. If they're kind of having a spat over a toy and DS1 takes it, DS2 will hit, kick, bite (or try to), or throw something at DS1. And he doesn't stop until we intervene. Or if DS1 has something and DS2 is asking for a turn (he says "tuh-tuh") and he doesn't immediately get what he wants, he hits, etc. And this morning we had an incident of an unprovoked situation (definitely not the first)... they were each doing their own thing and DS2 walked over and pushed DS1, then bit him in the back... DS1 started crying and while I ran over to him, DS2 then threw a toy at his face. (DS2 also throws stuff at us and has thrown things like at the TV when we turn it off.)

I feel like all of this has been maybe made worse by being home this summer. We did get 'uh oh reports' from our previous daycare of him pushing or biting kids (or biting himself)... but in the 12-18mo classroom that's kind of par for the course. But (theoretically) we're putting DS2 back in daycare when DS1 starts K in August. I'm kind of afraid we're going to get tossed right back out of daycare if he attacks a classmate like this. DS1 is a big 5yo, so he's physically more able to take it... but DS2 has hurt him. (And DS2 is a big 2yo--solidly in 3T clothing.) Also, it just hurts my heart because DS1 is *such* a good and loving and helpful big brother and then he gets this in return. 

Once we get the eval in mid-August, I hear it often takes about 4-6 weeks to get the report and 'treatment plan' or whatever. I feel like I can't wait until the end of September to do something differently. 

Has anyone dealt with something like this? Any strategies to help with these kinds of behaviors in a 2yo?

[maudefindlay]

Is he eating and sleeping well? I do think you are doing the right thing in having him evaluated. I know you see these incidents unprovoked, but if you look back or if you start writing them down can you find commonalities (time of day, while playing with a certain toy either him or DS1 etc)? Look at the environment when these things happen (is the tv mindlessly on in the background, maybe he is over stimulated).

Given his language delays I would work on using visual schedules and also picture stories that deal with his behaviors (biting, hitting, tantrums). You can google and find some for free to print.

Even though results of testing may take a while you can share your concerns at the eval and ask for some tips then.

[lessel]

maudefindlay Thanks for this. He's always been and continues to be a solid sleeper. He's a pretty good eater too... I do think he's been working on 2yo molars. And good call on the environment. The TV in the background is a good point...we're guilty of that.

[cricketwife]

I don’t know that I have a lot to offer, in terms of delays, etc, but we had a somewhat similar experience in terms of behavior, only reversed. DS1 was very much like your son at 2 ( and 3, and even 4, maybe? It starts to blur.). DS2 has always been easier. I think that’s your first challenge. I’ve always said what a rude awakening it would have been to have our very challenging kid second, after an easy kid. Having a second was what made me realize that not all 2’s were as terrible.

DS1 is now 6.5 and H and I were just talking a few weeks ago about what a genuinely great kid he is and how much he has Matured. There were times when we seriously looked into parenting classes because we were worried that we were raising a criminal, at worst, or a totally dysfunctional individual, at best. And I am not saying that in a hyperbolic way— we were really concerned. In the end, he has basically grown out of it. His temperament is such that he definitely has a shorter fuse, less patience, etc than others, but he can manage it.

I think being stuck at home is definitely contributing- my kids are behaving worse. Also, Try not tor freak out about daycare. My son was always worse at home than at daycare. And if your son does exhibit those behaviors at daycare, they have a lot of strategies for dealing with them.

In the moment, I mostly struggled. I tried a million strategies and can’t say anything really worked. I may just have been bad at implementing them. The only thing that helped somewhat was food. He goes from zero to hangry in about a minute so aything I could do to head off him being hungry or feed him right away if he was, helped.

I hope you find some good strategies and that it turns out to be a phase for him as well. I am sorry that you are struggling.

[suzv]

My 2 year old had some intense behaviors. He never attacked unprovoked, but he was a biter and hitter and his tantrums and meltdowns were extreme and intense. He was an early talker and stringing sentences together by 20 months, so we knew it wasn’t him getting frustrated from lack of language. We got in touch with EI right after he turned 2 and he started working with a therapist for social emotional help. Things improved and then got worse again, which prompted a trip to a child psychologist. He was then diagnosed with sensory processing disorder and anxiety. We started working with an OT recently. She’s working on regulation with him now. He will be 4 in October and we are finally seeing a break in the behaviors in the last 2 months or so. I think him getting older is helping and we became very strict with timeouts for any kind of aggression or using mean words. He’s finding ways to cope with his sensory issues that are more appropriate than hitting or slamming into things. He’s a different kid than he was a few months ago. Much happier, super easy to be around, and having no issues at school anymore.

Hugs. It was SO hard when we were in the thick of it and it felt very isolating.

[lynn07]

I could have written a lot of what you wrote about DS2 at that age. He was highly focused on specific things, had a mixed sensory profile, and was quick to anger. He also was speech delayed (but was more than caught up by 3 with the help of ST). We had him evaluated twice (once for EI, which he qualified for, and the other because of these behaviors). The second time they came back with a “possible autism” diagnosis. They felt like he would have qualified as having Asbergers, but that no longer exists in the newer DSM. It was a big surprise to us, because he was a social kid, but we knew the spectrum was wide. We started some OT, and that helped along with the ST. The older he got, the less the possible ASD diagnosis seem to fit. We had him re-evaluated again at 7, and that was when he was diagnosed with ADHD (impulsive type) along with mild anxiety. Now that diagnosis fit the bill. He is very impulsive, and that plus the anxiety is where you can really see where his temper comes from. Even at 10, you can still tell that it is very hard to control his actions when he gets angry. He doesn’t physically strike out any more, but verbally he goes from calm to screaming/crying quick as a flash. It is also very common for folks with ADHD to have sensory issues, as well as intense focus on high interest items or activities. Age has helped with a lot of the difficult behaviors, but the OT and ST were invaluable to us, as well as a finding a preschool early on (he started at 2.5) that was an inclusive program that had teachers who were well versed in kids with all different diagnoses (40% of the students had some sort of physical or neurological diagnosis).

Sorry, that got long, but just wanted you to know that I know it is so hard and you’re doing the best you can. I think getting him evaluated is a great first step.

[lessel]

Sorry, this turned into a bit of a post and run...afternoon was crazy with work stuff.

[mention]cricketwife [/mention] I totally hear you on the parenting a criminal thing. It’s irrational to feel that and I don’t want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy situation. But I totally get that. Your story gives me hope for a positive shift in the future! I know DS1 isn’t on his best behavior these days either being stuck home so I know it’s affecting DS2 probably more than is obvious.

[mention]suzv [/mention] I feel like the speech delay is a slim part of the whole issue, so it’s helpful to hear that was not a factor for y’all. The impulsivity is just so quick, it happens before he would even have the chance to form words to put to the situation. DS1 was also an early talker and could talk in full sentences and knew all the words to nursery songs at two so this is just SUCH a different parenting experience for us.

We did have an OT eval when we had his initial speech eval, probably around 18mo by the time we got it scheduled, etc. They said he had some issues with proprioception and they also observed issues with transitions around then too. But it was kind of borderline too early to intervene because he hadn’t been walking for 6mo yet. Sounds like maybe reassessment for that would be a good idea after we do the developmental eval.


[mention]lynn07 [/mention] Thank you for sharing. I’m glad it was long because it was helpful! It seems like a really similar situation to the road we seem to be heading down. With DS2 the social/emotional stuff seems pretty developed in terms of reading faces, making eye contact, being affectionate. And his comprehension is pretty good too.

[picksthemusic]

Have you tried using sign language? That might alleviate some of the frustration if they can't get their words out but can sign what the need/want.

Hopefully the evaluations pan out to something that can be helped!

[lessel]

Jul 9, 2020 17:53:40 GMT -5 picksthemusic said:

Have you tried using sign language? That might alleviate some of the frustration if they can't get their words out but can sign what the need/want.

Hopefully the evaluations pan out to something that can be helped!

He never took to sign language. We were all about it because we had good success with DS1. We were doing it along with daycare, using consistent signs, etc. and he just didn’t really go for it. I think he used the sign for “more” and “all done” occasionally but not regularly. Honestly, he only recently started waving bye-bye. He was saying it before he waved it. He’ll do high-fives and fist bumps, and he points too—but even that came later than seems typical.

[lolo]

I think it's great that you are connecting with professionals on these issues, but a lot of what you've listed here is normal or expected; lining up cars is a common play schema, for example.

But I do understand in that one of mine is just much more intense than the other one.

As far as the anger--it sounds like a lot of it is coming from sibling interactions? Siblings without Rivalry is a classic and might be useful to you on this front.

I would also consider providing a separate play space for one or both kids, where they can play without interference from the other sibling.

[lessel]

Jul 10, 2020 1:14:49 GMT -5 lolo said:

I think it's great that you are connecting with professionals on these issues, but a lot of what you've listed here is normal or expected; lining up cars is a common play schema, for example.

But I do understand in that one of mine is just much more intense than the other one.

As far as the anger--it sounds like a lot of it is coming from sibling interactions? Siblings without Rivalry is a classic and might be useful to you on this front.

I would also consider providing a separate play space for one or both kids, where they can play without interference from the other sibling.

Yeah, I totally get that a lot of the behavior stuff might not be atypical. It's more that there's a lot of things going on that might all add up to something more. 

The anger thing is definitely directed at us too. (The unprovoked anger seems directed at brother.) But when we tell him no to something or wait, he reacts pretty strongly to us. I was sitting at the dining room table this morning and he wanted me to pick him up... I told him to wait and he grabbed my leg and bit it. He's thrown stuff at me when he doesn't get his way, etc. I can calmly deal with a kicking and screaming tantrum, but I'm not my best self when a monster truck is thrown at my face or he smacks me or rips off my glasses. 

Thanks for the book rec too. I'm looking at it and I see it and another book that seem pretty interesting too. We do separate them for play pretty often when we can tell they need a break from each other. This summer is definitely special circumstances and lots of (too much!) together time.