I’m back donation stuff TW loss

[Jalapeñomel]

My last IVF cycle was January 2019, and we lost a spontaneous pregnancy in August.

I’m seeing a new RE outside Philly, and he plans to do an ERA first (never had one with my retrievals) and then on to the FET.

We are now seriously considering embryo donation, and I wondered if anyone here has done through it? Any words of advice?

[thoseareradishes]

Not exactly the same, but we used donor eggs. I did several rounds of IVF before we moved on to donor eggs. The process itself was basically just like any other cycle. We did have to meet with a genetic counselor and psychiatrist. I've never had any issue bonding with her or feeling like she was anything other than my daughter, and no one in our families or friends treats her any differently or even talks about it anymore.

One of the harder parts for me is when strangers comment about how she looks - she has curly hair and neither my husband nor I do. The donor does. I usually say something about how her aunts have curly hair. It's hard when people talk about how much she looks like my husband (although that's a lot less now). I don't know, it's just tough. Also, my pedi always forgets and I have to remind him.

Everyone knows - our families and our friends. I've talked to her about how babies grow from eggs and Mommy's eggs didn't work so a nice lady gave us an egg and I grew her in my tummy.

[Jalapeñomel]

Aug 22, 2020 12:54:05 GMT -5 thoseareradishes said:

Not exactly the same, but we used donor eggs. I did several rounds of IVF before we moved on to donor eggs. The process itself was basically just like any other cycle. We did have to meet with a genetic counselor and psychiatrist. I've never had any issue bonding with her or feeling like she was anything other than my daughter, and no one in our families or friends treats her any differently or even talks about it anymore.

One of the harder parts for me is when strangers comment about how she looks - she has curly hair and neither my husband nor I do. The donor does. I usually say something about how her aunts have curly hair. It's hard when people talk about how much she looks like my husband (although that's a lot less now). I don't know, it's just tough. Also, my pedi always forgets and I have to remind him.

Everyone knows - our families and our friends. I've talked to her about how babies grow from eggs and Mommy's eggs didn't work so a nice lady gave us an egg and I grew her in my tummy.

I was wondering how people present this when strangers comment on their looks. I would imagine it would be different is the child is genetic related to one of the parents and not the other.

We’ve asked if the clinic would give us the best embryo blind, regardless of sex or ethnicity/race, but I’m not sure if they’ll let us do that or not.

[Jalapeñomel]

Aug 22, 2020 12:54:05 GMT -5 thoseareradishes said:

Not exactly the same, but we used donor eggs. I did several rounds of IVF before we moved on to donor eggs. The process itself was basically just like any other cycle. We did have to meet with a genetic counselor and psychiatrist. I've never had any issue bonding with her or feeling like she was anything other than my daughter, and no one in our families or friends treats her any differently or even talks about it anymore.

One of the harder parts for me is when strangers comment about how she looks - she has curly hair and neither my husband nor I do. The donor does. I usually say something about how her aunts have curly hair. It's hard when people talk about how much she looks like my husband (although that's a lot less now). I don't know, it's just tough. Also, my pedi always forgets and I have to remind him.

Everyone knows - our families and our friends. I've talked to her about how babies grow from eggs and Mommy's eggs didn't work so a nice lady gave us an egg and I grew her in my tummy.

Can you tell me on how you decided about a donor? Feel free to PM me if you prefer.

[thoseareradishes]

Sure. We had to fill out a questionnaire with our requirements and wishes. Things like physical appearance, education, allergies, family history, anything could be included. We had a couple of physical traits that were important, as well as education. We also preferred that she have no allergies, especially to pets. We just sat down one night and talked it all out.

The 3rd party team met every month and matched recipients with donors. It took 3-4 months for our profile to come up. Our first match was a carrier for cystic fibrosis, so we asked to be rematched. We were matched again the next month, and we went to the clinic to see pictures of her as a child and adult. We accepted the match and she cycled soon after.

We were given a ton of info about her to help us decide, as well as a statement about why she wanted to donate. She also had kids of her own, which we liked (she had also cycled for other families, so she was a proven donor).

I liked that our clinic did the matching, instead of it being a free for all on a database. It took some of the pressure off of us and made it feel more personal.

[pickel]

We also used donor eggs. I went straight to DE, didn’t bother trying with mine. I now have twins from DE (plus a 5 yo singleton that’s was conceived “naturally”). I can say that I absolutely in love with my DE babies and do not regret using DE. The love I have for them is not any different than the love I have for my bio son. I agree w pp, things feel weird when people comment on their appearances. My boy twin favors my bio son so that is easy, but my girl looks nothing like me (or the donor, strangely enough). I didn’t think this would bother me but it makes me feel *something* when they say my daughter looks like me because (1) she doesn’t and (2) it’s not possible. The only people who know are my parents, we have not shared that we used DE with anyone else. I’m also kind of dreading discussing it with the babies when they get older. Now that they are here, the enormity of it all sometimes weighs on me and I don’t ever want them to feel anything negative about how they came into this world. But if I had to do it again, I would! I have had a really positive experience.

[pickel]

Oh, and choosing a donor...I looked though profiles with photos, background, psychological profiles and some genetic info, and chose two that I liked. The donor we went with looks nothing like me but I felt a connection w her profile. She and I were a lot alike, background and interests wise. My dad actually commented on the same thing and it just seemed right. There wasn’t a science to it, I just went with my gut.

[Jalapeñomel]

Thank you both for sharing!

[msmerymac]

I have not done embryo donation, but I'm curious who you're seeing. PM me if you feel comfortable. My clinic also has a FB page for patients (which they have in the office, it's a private group, but not secret) if that is your clinic and if you are on FB.

[Jalapeñomel]

Aug 25, 2020 9:42:11 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

I have not done embryo donation, but I'm curious who you're seeing. PM me if you feel comfortable. My clinic also has a FB page for patients (which they have in the office, it's a private group, but not secret) if that is your clinic and if you are on FB.

You have a PM!