Moms who share custody

[Bernadine]

I don’t even know what to ask. Can you just tell me everything about it?

[pl77]

Hi, so sorry for everything you’re going through.

I divorced when my kids were 3 and 4. They are 9 and 11 now and their dad and I originally switched every two nights, but now we do a week on and a week off. It’s hard. I wanted to be a mom my whole life and now it feels like I only get to do it part time. My ex works from home and my son is high-risk so he does their school stuff with them while I work on my weeks. We try to have the kids bring whatever they need for the week in backpacks (their phones, the book they’re reading, homework).

My ex cheated on me and married the person he slept with so it was very hard for a while. I kept any conversations about the kids only and try to never say anything negative about their dad in front of them.

[mags]

My X only had them on Sundays. He paid his child support, which was figured out in court, on time all the time. He spoke to his kids almost everyday.
My case is different than most, because X was in restaurant business and worked most holidays and weekends. I had them all the time. We also lived 2 hours apart. So, I would drive them to him on Sunday mornings and he would drive them back.
I never asked for anything extra from him, I paid for all activities etc. He did pay for half of my daughters braces.

PLEASE put something in your divorce about college payment. We did not. We did end up agreeing on amount we each would pay, and it went well, it could have gone very differently.

It was really really rough in the beginning and things were tense. After the first couple of years we fortunately had/have a really good relationship. He is a good dad, and he is invited to all holidays and events. My husband and him get along fine, and he is still part of the family unit.

My kids are grown now and always say they have the best divorced parents

It will get better than today...each day gets a bit easier. YOU will be happier I promise.

[acr]

When we divorced, DS was 3 and we lived in the same town. Our arrangement was the typical Texas one (1st, 3rd, 5th weekend and Wednesdays for him). I have all rights to determine education and hold his passport. We each have ability to seek medical care. Additional time is Summer (6 weeks with XH), spring break, and we alternate thanksgiving and Easter. Christmas our decree has ds with xh from school break until Christmas Eve, but that’s changed in practice over the years.

I moved about 3 hours away (which was allowed per our agreement) and then we switched to just the 1,3,5th weekend schedule and met roughly halfway. Then he moved 8 hours away and it became way less predictable. I tried to be flexible. Now he’s back closer and we have a more normal schedule.

I keep child support separate from our relationship- he’s behind and I let the attorney generals office deal with it. I want us to be about parenting and our kid, and the money issue is too stressful (I make plenty to be fine, he’s living with his parents...).

I’ve long been fine with DS having a life beyond me, and having this separate time with his dad only strengthens that. I just have to be ok with it. I get sad sometimes when he’s gone for a long time, but honestly it’s a nice break and I embrace it.

I pay for everything, even though he offers to split medical stuff (per our decree) and i pay for health insurance (despite our decree saying he should), but I can’t get blood from a turnip. He’s broke and there’s no point in soiling our relationship over money I don’t need.

[ste]

I’ve been pretty open in the past about my shitty scenario. Please don’t do what I did. Your job right now is to prioritize your LO, yourself, and your futures. Amicability is nice, but it’s a very, very distant fourth.

I conceded nearly everything to keep things amicable. I was an idiot. Don’t be me. We did a collaborative divorce, which I will never recommend to anyone. I needed someone to fight for me and DS when I was willing to give in to keep things comfortable. I regret doing that, in hindsight.

XH will tell anyone who asks that we have 50/50 custody, and in his mind I’m sure he really believes we do. I have DS Wednesday afternoon through Sunday afternoon. XH has him Sunday afternoon until school drop off Wednesday. I also keep a running list of all of the (countless) schedule changes for future reference/just in case. XH will often randomly go weeks (or longer) without seeing DS. I SAH now, so I’m daycare for DS, too (XH either can’t afford or isn’t motivated to figure out something else). Our custody agreement has the school district where I am written into it; XH lives in a different district, so isn’t eligible for busing and has to drive him (or bring him to me to be bussed; he used to be bussed from DC).

We weren’t particular about most holidays, but did write in “rules” for those we did care about. It’s written in that I provide his health insurance, and I believe it says I pay for extra curriculars. I have also routinely bought all of his clothing, school supplies, etc. XH was really worried about me asking for child support, so his lawyer wrote into our settlement agreement that unless we make within 25% of each other, if I’m awarded CS, he will be eligible for equivalent alimony (I used to make significantly more). We wrote in specifics about religious education, and a few other little things that were important to us.

The settlement agreement is a totally different shitty topic.

Listen to your lawyer. They’re rational and unbiased. They’ve been down this road. Let him or her guide you.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with any of this.

[court26]

Ours starts this weekend with 50-50 custody. I have Mon-Wed, he has Wed-Fri and we are doing every other weekend. I am just moving out and will be 11 min away. He never seemed like he would want to do 50-50 and I feel strongly that I AM their primary parent for a long list of reasons, but I finally accepted that he is a good dad and it’s what is likely best for the kids. We shall see.

[sent]

I see 3 categories where divorced families fall when it's time for my office to ask for thousands of dollars to do their kid's braces for the next 2 or 3 years. 1) I don't even know the parents are divorced until much later into treatment because whichever parent brought them in made all the decisions and pays for everything. The other parent pays that parent. Or the first parent goes after that parent for not paying. 2) I know the parents are divorced because they report the kids have 2 insurances or that they have to discuss the finances with the other parent. Sometimes they want us to split the financial contract with the other parent and our industry strongly advises against doing this. In my office, I will only allow splitting if the other parent wants to pay their half up front and I've been getting more divorced families doing exactly this lately. Most families pay their balance on a payment plan so paying upfront is not the norm. 3) The mother brings in 2+ kids, tells me the older kids were treated at a fancy office in a posh suburb but now they are sitting in my office with the younger kids because the parents got divorced and the kids are now on Medicaid. I take Medicaid whereas the fancy posh office won't touch it with a 10 ft. pole. I posted about this situation a few years ago on this board and posters said that sometimes the mom didn't know amidst all the negotiating and fighting that she should also fight to still keep the children on dad's private insurance or that their lawyers advised them poorly during the process.

Hope that helps.

[Roc A Bee]

How old are your kids and where do you live? In CA, the goal is always 50/50 and if he wants it, he will get it. My boyfriend has 50/50. We have them Wed- Fri week one and Tues - Sunday week 2. Even at 11 and 13, the kids didn’t want to do one week on/off.

Definitely get holidays outlined. Those have always been contentious and they actually went back to court this summer to have that figured out and to stop child support.

[Bernadine]

Oct 17, 2020 0:37:29 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

How old are your kids and where do you live? In CA, the goal is always 50/50 and if he wants it, he will get it. My boyfriend has 50/50. We have them Wed- Fri week one and Tues - Sunday week 2. Even at 11 and 13, the kids didn’t want to do one week on/off.

Definitely get holidays outlined. Those have always been contentious and they actually went back to court this summer to have that figured out and to stop child support.

I have a 4 year old daughter, and we’re in MD.

[campermom]

Poof

[somersault72]

We did 50/50 from the time DS was 2 until he was 4. That is what our decree states. Then once he was in school full time we switched to him doing every Friday night and every other weekend during the school year because it wasn't a priority to live closer to do more than that. Ex is a teacher so until these past two summers DS spent most of the summer with his dad. Now that DS is older he prefers to do more 50/50 during the summer. Ex used to cover DS on his insurance but once my daughter was born I started covering him because it doesn't cost anymore and my insurance is now better anyway. School breaks we figure out on a case by case basis (due to work schedules when our respective families are celebrating, etc). My only hills to die on were I ALWAYS have him Christmas Eve night/Christmas morning and his birthday. My ex husband is incredibly laid back (to a fault at times), so he's easy to get along with but he's not as involved in DS's life as he should be. These past few years have been disappointing. When we were together he was an amazing dad. I'd say in the past 3 or 4 years is when he's really starting phoning it in. (My DS is 12 now).

[ste]

Like somersault72, XH was a super involved, hands on dad when DS was younger. It’s astounding to me how much he phones it in now (that’s honestly a kind description).

[twinmomma]

Lurker chiming in, because I wish I had someone explain all this to me instead of relying on Google.

I share 50/50 with XH. We do a 2, 2, 5,5 schedule. The website CustodyXchange is helpful in explaining it. Basically, XH has two nights, I have two nights, and we alternate weekends. We live in the same town, ten minutes apart so it makes it easier. My kids are 8. This schedule was pushed on us hard by the lawyers and family therapist. They said it could change to week on, week off as they get older.

Usually with a 50/50 split, no one pays child support. But since I make a lot more than XH, I was going to still have to pay him child support. We negotiated that I would just bear the cost of all child related expenses instead. I didn't trust him to actually use the money for the kids and didn't want him hitting me up for cash all the time. In some ways it sucks, like when I have to buy enough clothes each season to stock both houses, but it does mean I'm much more free from him and in control of how the money is spent.

We did the collaborative divorce process and I would only recommend it if things are very amicable.

[rebneen]

My I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sucks, but I also am so glad I got divorced.

I sought primary + maximum child support + 50% of education +50% of marital assets +insurance for both kids and split extracurriculars, medical, etc. I got it all. He has the 1/3/5 and could have Mondays on off weeks but he doesn't care to make anything happen then. I'm nice and foster a relationship because he's not a bad guy or dad. I occasionally remind him he could meet us for dinner and I'd leave or he could just drive them to my house or school, but he never takes that Monday. So no guilt on CS because there's 2 more days a month I have to do everything.


Each of us had a good attorney who represented our interests. We were able to settle through mediation and I don't think either of us would say the agreement was unfair until the fucking pandemic. I suggest letting the calculator determine custody and settlement details vs feelings - aka: don't be really nice. It's fair for him to contribute to the upbringing of your child. Don't think about if you need it or could get by or whatever. Lock him out of your feelings and focus on your DD's and your needs for now and the future.

A good and experienced attorney will know what's going on in your state and how your specific court judges tend to rule. Good luck. I hope he is ashamed enough to do the right thing and not fight with you.

[turtle1120]

The biggest take away from this is that there’s no one size fits all solution. Different states have different norms. Consult with a few different attorneys and decide who you want to use. See what they say, decide what you want and work towards that.

When my DD was little we had a traditional schedule with me having primary custody and my Ex having every other weekend and one night (not overnight) a week. He never once used his weekday. Then when DD was in kindergarten he started fighting for 50/50. He never got it but filed 4 different petitions in the span of 2 years. It was all an attempt to not have to pay CS. Then the shit hit the fan for him and he gave up all visitation in exchange for me agreeing not to collect child support. And here we are.

We alternated holidays and school breaks from year to year - Christmas break was split and spring break alternated. Each parent got a couple weeks vacation in the summer - priority for picking weeks alternated between parents from year to year.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[kooshball]

When we first started dating, he had 50/50 one week on, one week off. It was really nice. We could have kid time and adult time. We would often times travel on that week off and have some good wind down time. Now we have 100% of the time and it's work.

Child support is being worked on now but she doesn't think she should have to pay anything which is how much she has paid in teh last three years, nothing.

[darthnbjenni]

I live in SC and we still have archaic laws. I have custody and XH has visitation. He is supposed to have every other weekend and one evening each week with alternating holidays. It's been about 3 years since he's had the girls over at all (I filed when they were 3 months old and they are 12). Instead, they go to their grandma's house every other weekend to be with their cousin who is a few months younger. Some times their dad visits. It's also been about 3 years since he's paid child support. He's more like their fun uncle they see occasionally.

[ellipses84]

I’m sorry you are having to face this.

I’m a stepmom of a now grown kid, but my husband went through a long ugly custody battle (and he was the reasonable one who wanted a typical visitation schedule).

Whether your state requires it or not, draft up a very detailed parenting plan. Include a visitation schedule that will work long term as the child ages if you can. You don’t want to be back in court arguing over it in 3 years when they graduate to the next level school. You can always state you can both agree in writing to changes in specific instances and you can always offer him more time. Include all holidays / school breaks (no dates, just X parent will pick up kid at 6pm on the last day of school before the break, or 9am on the Holiday). The school schedule impacts visitation a lot so you can refer to that even though future years aren’t published yet. I recommend you include the things you really care about the first year (ie, mother gets Christmas on odd years /2021, but look ahead on the calendar and make sure you aren’t at a disadvantage some years based on how the calendar falls. Include a couple extra things you could negotiate on or things he’d really want because it will most likely go to mediation and you could offer that up (as long as your overall plan is reasonable and gives him time; negotiation part would be like 1 extra holiday or 1 extra week of summer break. Include who pays for what outside of child support, ie. Medical or extracurriculars, and include things about decision making. Joint custody means equal decision making but you could modify specific things, ie. He’s not religious but you are and when the child was born you both agreed to raise them Catholic, or each parent my share their religion with the child. DH had to mandate weekly phone calls because otherwise they wouldn’t happen. You can include guidelines, like neither parent will talk negatively to the child in front of the parent, but it’s obviously hard to enforce and your kid may have lots of questions by the time they are a teenager. Remember that anything that applies to him applies to you, like things about introducing the child to partners or living with them, so don’t make it too restrictive in ways you won’t like either. Google parenting plans and your state, or parenting and custody plans / templates in general for examples. College costs / health insurance is also good to outline even after they are 18.

[wanderingback]

Oct 17, 2020 8:40:06 GMT -5 twinmomma said:

I share 50/50 with XH. We do a 2, 2, 5,5 schedule. The website CustodyXchange is helpful in explaining it. Basically, XH has two nights, I have two nights, and we alternate weekends. We live in the same town, ten minutes apart so it makes it easier. My kids are 8. This schedule was pushed on us hard by the lawyers and family therapist. They said it could change to week on, week off as they get older.

I'm just curious since the family therapist recommended this schedule, are there known emotional or psychological benefits to this schedule vs alternating weeks. Would love to know more about this. 

[ladysybil]

My XH cheated and is now living with his affair partner who has 2 kids.  He has DD every other weekend and gets two non-consecutive weeks in the summer.  He also does one weeknight evening (not overnight) every week.  Holidays are spelled out in the decree but we basically alternate Thanksgiving and New Years, and we split Christmas Eve/ Christmas Day.  He lives about 30 minutes from DD in another school district.

Just to share another scenario, my FI has his kids on a different schedule.  In a 2 week cycle, they do 4 days at their mom's, 5 days with him, 2 days with mom, and then 3 days with him.  That works out fairly well because they alternate weekends and then know that on certain days they are always with a certain parent, so it helps with scheduling.  Their mom lives very close by though in the same school district.

It is highly dependent on the situation, so get a good attorney ask for everything you can.  My XH agreed to a lot of things out of guilt.  I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to get more time at some point, though right now his priority seems to be his girlfriend's kids.  Also, I'd highly recommend putting in your decree stipulations like no overnights with a non-married partner and that your child should have their own space at their dad's house.  My XH rented a studio apartment when he moved out and there was nowhere for DD to sleep and have privacy. 

[bluestreet]

First—I’m a lurker (created an intro post), and you and the others here that have experienced similar awfulness have my heartfelt sympathy. I went through a similar situation last January.

Even though my ex cheated and was a total ass about it all, I worked hard to separate my rage from figuring out custody stuff based on my own parents’ toxic split.

I’m lucky in that my ex is a really great dad despite being a shitty partner, otherwise I would have fought for a really different arrangement. I documented and screenshot any incriminating affair stuff in case I need to fight with gloves off. He let me keep the house, which went far in how cooperative I felt.

Our girls are 9, 13, and 17. So we do 50/50. I have them from Wednesday afternoon through Saturday afternoon one week, and Wednesday afternoon through Sunday morning on alternating weeks. In the decree we alternate holidays and have it written that neither of us can move from the county until the youngest graduates high school. All costs are split down the middle (well, I’m responsible for their insurance but he does phone plans—stuff like that). Our custody swap means we will always see each other on weekends, but I know some who make it so that transition days are always a school day to minimize any in-person interactions with exes.

Even though he let me keep the house, by the time we actually finalized the divorce, I allowed him to get 25% of profit upon sale, should I ever choose to sell.

If I think of any good advice not already covered in this thread, I’ll share.

Last thing—the first couple of months felt like a waking nightmare. I felt like a failure. Blamed myself. Then blamed him and hated him. Went through spells of wanting to find a way to make it work.

Now I’m happier than I’ve been in years. I was determined to eat, pray, love under the Tuscan sun kind of thing. COVID put a damper on that in terms of travel, but I’ve been finding out who I really am outside of a marriage where I tried to fit with an undeserving partner, and everything feels lighter and life feels so much richer. I wish you could press fast forward, but know that Act II can be so much better!

[twinmomma]

Oct 18, 2020 6:16:57 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

Oct 17, 2020 20:34:38 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

I'm just curious since the family therapist recommended this schedule, are there known emotional or psychological benefits to this schedule vs alternating weeks. Would love to know more about this. 

I think it’s because a week is a long time for a little kid to go without seeing either parent. Older kids can do longer separations more easily. The benefit of a week on/off is the kid gets to settle in and have fewer transitions. The benefit of 2/2/5/5 is the kid has more regular access to both parents.

This exactly. For most young kids they want the kids to have access to both parents regularly. We discussed switching to week on/week off this year (kids are 8) if we end up in some crazy hybrid school schedule due to COVID but so far have kept the 2/2/5/5 since school is full time in person here.

[milang]

We did a mediated divorce which was very beneficial to me because I was the one who handled all finances and all of research. I proposed a custody schedule and he okayed it because he just wanted to be done with the marriage. My kids are 9 and 6. Also, we live about 10 minutes away from each other.


Our agreement says that he gets kids on Tuesdays and Fridays. On Wednesdays, we each get one kids and then switch the next week. My 9 year old DD asked for that so that they could each get one on one time with parents. However, the Wednesday thing lasted two months the longest because neither of them wanted to be alone at their dad's. So he'd pick them up from school and drop them off at me at about 7:00. Since quarantine they haven't wanted to be overnight at their dad's even more (He's totally cool with that). I asked him to pay me what he'd pay for before/after school care since I have them during that time during quarantine and he agreed to that. 

Also want to add that my life is significantly better now than it was being married (I've been divorced nearly a year.) Even with wfh and two kids doing virtual school. It was soul sucking to be in that marriage and this feels so fantastic in comparison.

[leshoequeen]

I'll share my perspective as a child of divorce.

My parents divorced when I was four and our schedule was Monday/Wednesday at Dad's and Tuesday/Thursday at Mom's with alternating weekends. My parents have gotten along fairly well over the years. Holidays were worked out - usually Christmas Eve at my mom's and Christmas Day at my dad's. Birthdays were at either one, usually depending on who could be off work or whose night it was.

We were split 50/50 which was great because we saw each parent regularly. The part that wasn't ideal is that my parents lived about 30 minutes away from one another and we went to school where dad lived. Looking back it would've been helpful if they could have been more organized. I feel like we were constantly without things we needed at dad's and vice versa. I was always the kid who didn't have my homework or the red shirt on red shirt day because it was at the wrong house. Yes, I was probably an unorganized kid (who is an organized-to-a-fault adult now!) but my parents didn't help at all with that, worked constantly and long hours and probably were just exhausted.