I’m so sorry. I will say that I had to ask myself why I wanted to stay with my ex after he cheated. For me, it was fear of being alone - and never finding love again. I had to realize that I wasn’t in love with my ex anymore, just the idea of him or who I thought he was. It wasn’t a quick process.
I’m so sorry Rak. I think however you’re feeling right now is okay. This is not something you have to decide today.
I think it’s easy for people to assume what their reaction would be in the same situation. But if and when you’re actually faced with it, it’s a whole different story. You have to do what you feel in your gut is right for you. Whatever you decide, we are behind you.
Put away the fucking pitchforks and stop telling Bernadine what *you* think about her husband's behavior!
The path forward is up to her alone, to reconcile or not. We should respect and support her decision, whatever that may be.
Very few are using pitchforks, most are super kind. When I was in this situation, it did actually help for me to hear that others did not think cheating was okay... same with most of those my real life friends who are victims of infidelity. It's so much more common than we think, and it feels reassuring that you're not alone in having thought that infidelity was a boundary and wrong. In my case it was reassuring, not because the decision is easy, but because often the gaslighting and deception has been happening for a long period and realizing that your life and decisions for your future with your spouse haven't been yours for awhile is overwhelming and confusing. I think most in the thread are empathizing and helping her realize that infidelity is a form of emotional trauma that takes a lot of work and time to work through... regardless if you plan to stay together or not.
Post by notoriousmeg on Oct 30, 2020 18:59:16 GMT -5
I’m sorry you are going through this. You are entitled to feel however you feel. It’s easy for outsiders to judge, but I hope you find whichever path makes you happy.
Post by mcppalmbeach on Oct 30, 2020 19:12:21 GMT -5
I’m so sorry. As others have said, your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to feel them and take your time before making any decisions. Everyone has to walk their own path to do what makes them happy (that doesn’t stop us from wanting to castrate him though). It’s a lot and it’s new and you are still probably in shock.
Post by HRH Queen Dick I on Oct 30, 2020 19:12:36 GMT -5
downtoearth Unfortunately there have been a number of these situations recently, and true, some other threads were more pitchforky than this one. I just felt compelled to reply today.
I see your point and I'm sorry for anybody going through this.
I just don't think that vociferously trashing the guy, which usually happens in these kinds of threads, is..productive? healing? After all, he is the man she loved and the father of her kid.
As cliche as it sounds, give yourself grace both with your feelings and yourself. No one needs an answer right away and only you can make that decision. Sending you all the strength for whatever lies ahead.
I think taking the time you need to work through this is the exact thing you need to do. I also imagine you’ll change your mind a million times in the next few weeks/months as you process everything by yourself and with your H.
Good luck to you. I hope you have a supportive community ready to be there with you in whatever way you need.
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Oct 30, 2020 20:31:27 GMT -5
It didn’t take you a week or two to enter in the marriage, and it’s extremely understandable that you don’t want to make any decisions right now. Do what you need to do for you. There’s no wrong answer as long as you are prioritizing yourself and DD.
I am someone who has been cheated on and am still married to my husband although we have separated and are only living together currently due to a series of circumstances that just made it easier. I spent most of my life leading up to the initial separation trying to save the marriage. At the moment that might be flipped since he seems more engaged than he’s been in a long time but overall I’m living in limbo.
If I could give advice to my past self it would be this: don’t be so quick to offer forgiveness. Don’t be so quick to tip my hand that I would like to save the marriage. Don’t be so eager to start couples therapy without him first doing individual therapy. I found couples therapy traumatizing since a lot of therapists are of the mindset that “affairs don’t happen in a vacuum” and then attempt to see where the breakdown in the marriage occurred rather than trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with him alone to make him cheat vs any of the other paths he could have taken if he was that unhappy. I also wasted so much time trying to figure out the reasons on my own through talking to him and it was crazy making. Really fucking disordered thinking on his part. The phrase don’t talk sense to stupid applies here. I did interview attorneys. Highly recommend doing that.
Some people are reconciliation material. You really don’t know at this point if you have true remorse from him. Honestly I would be surprised if you did just because it’s soooo early and it wasn’t that long ago he was feeding you a ton of bullshit. I’m not telling you to leave, just to be very cautious of what you see and hear. I hope he follows through with finding his own therapist and that you click with yours.
Put away the fucking pitchforks and stop telling Bernadine what *you* think about her husband's behavior!
The path forward is up to her alone, to reconcile or not. We should respect and support her decision, whatever that may be.
Very few are using pitchforks, most are super kind. When I was in this situation, it did actually help for me to hear that others did not think cheating was okay... same with most of those my real life friends who are victims of infidelity. It's so much more common than we think, and it feels reassuring that you're not alone in having thought that infidelity was a boundary and wrong. In my case it was reassuring, not because the decision is easy, but because often the gaslighting and deception has been happening for a long period and realizing that your life and decisions for your future with your spouse haven't been yours for awhile is overwhelming and confusing. I think most in the thread are empathizing and helping her realize that infidelity is a form of emotional trauma that takes a lot of work and time to work through... regardless if you plan to stay together or not.
For me, I didn’t need to hear overly critical things about EVERYTHING my husband did because I did choose to marry him at one point and reproduce with the guy, but it definitely helped to hear friends provide thoughts and feelings on the situation for the reasons you give. The gaslighting and deception. I didn’t realize how long I had been putting up with it. I wasn’t sure if I was the crazy one. He’d be so convincing. And piecing my life back together after discovering what was going on was so devastating. The “oh, when you said you were here you were really here.” Whenever I look at pictures, everything is categorized into pre- and post-affair. It’s such a mindfuck.
Post by capscapscaps on Oct 30, 2020 22:16:48 GMT -5
Girl, I am 10000% not going to give you shit for not wanting to bounce. Take your time. Do some therapy. Have some hard conversations with yourself and with him. Don't feel rushed to make a decision because you need to be as sure as possible when you do. Take care of yourself and make sure you engage in some self care. I'm so sorry.
Post by catscatscats on Oct 31, 2020 0:06:15 GMT -5
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I found out my husband had been cheating on me 9 months ago and still don’t know if I should stay or go. When I first found out, I jumped immediately into save the marriage mode, finding therapists, setting up all the appointments, etc. Then COVID hit and I just pushed everything down because I couldn’t handle the stress of it all. In hindsight, I wish that I had left or made him leave for a bit at the beginning just to give myself some space to really think and feel and figure things out. By me jumping to solution, I don’t think he ever had to feel like there were ever any real consequences to his actions. And living with someone I don’t trust is starting to wear on me. The decision is still looming.
All this to say, you don’t deserve this and you aren’t crazy or alone in wanting to save the relationship. I always thought I would be out the door if anyone cheated, and it’s really never that simple. I’m really sorry you are going through this.
I don't think there is anything wrong with not knowing if this is the end for you. My XH was an abusive POS, and I still struggled with ending it for a few months. When this is your day to day life, it isn't always easy to make a 180. Like another poster said, you didn't decide to get married in a day, or week, or month. Its not unexpected that you need time to make another huge choice.
Having been in a very similar situation in January, I will say that—like a few others in this thread—I did total 180s daily/weekly for about three months. Unfortunately it would seem that time is a necessary ingredient in really distilling what you want for yourself. The women who helped me get through it basically accepted and supported me every time I pronounced my latest conviction.
I also really appreciated having some people who basically wanted to shove him off a cliff and others that advocated for me to try to work it out. It validated whichever way I felt that day. 🤷🏻♀️
It’s trite to say, but truly it gets better. Hugs.