So, he slept with both women he was sexting. Former friend, he slept with twice. Other woman, ongoing relationship for about five months.
I think I’m just still in a state of shock. I still can’t believe this is happening.
He’s still in the house, but in the basement.
I have my first therapy appointment next Thursday, which I’m anxiously awaiting. He is working on getting marriage counseling and individual counseling for himself scheduled.
I am so fucking sorry he has put you through this. I think any emotions you are feeling would be normal right now, just do not blame yourself and make sure to take care of yourself first.
Post by starburst604 on Oct 30, 2020 13:25:39 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. Nothing you're feeling right now is crazy. Let yourself work through it all in therapy, and you'll know what the right decision is for you. In the meantime, give me the address of your "friend". <removes earrings>
Post by icedcoffee on Oct 30, 2020 13:29:13 GMT -5
I am so sorry Bernadine. Whatever you are feeling is appropriate. I'd work through things in therapy, but I'd also protect yourself in the meantime by meeting with a lawyer. You'll never regret meeting with one to start protecting yourself, but you may wish you had done it sooner.
I am so sorry. I want to fucking smash him in the face. What a dickwad.
I am so sorry. However you are feeling is normal - take the time to process your emotions and feelings. I am glad you have a therapy appointment soon. Has he shown remorse? He will need to put in the work to earn your trust back and I hope that he does so if you ultimately decide you want to stay with him. I know how difficult this is. Surviving Infidelity was a good resource for me so you may want to check it out if you haven't already.
I am so sorry, dear. NOTHING you feel is crazy. I'm only a few weeks "ahead" of you in this and I am ALL over the place. Literally this week I've gone from really wanting to make it work, to being completely done and ready to file, to having no clue what I want and what's best, in a matter of 4 days. Apparently that is normal. My plan is this: unless I am 100% sure I want a divorce for at least 5 days in a row, I will just wait and let the roller coaster ride continue. Because it's not fair to him for me to keep changing my mind, it's not fair to ME, and it's definitely not fair to my kids.
BUT, this is all said with the knowledge that there was/is no ongoing affair, and I'm being pursued heavily to make it work. Not that either situation is ideal or better or worse, that's just the decision I made for MY situation RIGHT NOW.
I keep reminding myself, there is NO timeline. And whatever decision I make today, doesn't have to be that way forever.
Be kind to yourself. I have a thread a bit down with some books that people recommended that may be helpful to you as well. My goal right now is to focus on me and my needs and wants. MUCH easier said than done. I'm hoping that will help bring some clarity as to what my next steps are.
Have you checked out surviving infidelity yet? It's so very helpful. Even if you don't want to share your story, the library is FULL of good resources and makes you feel sane because you're not alone.
Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk. It may be helpful to have another person to talk to that won't judge you, him, or any of the decisions you may make. I know personally I have yet to reach out to people IRL much b/c it's embarrassing and if I stay with him how will people judge both of us (even if they say they won't).
I am so sorry. However you are feeling is normal - take the time to process your emotions and feelings. I am glad you have a therapy appointment soon. Has he shown remorse? He will need to put in the work to earn your trust back and I hope that he does so if you ultimately decide you want to stay with him. I know how difficult this is. Surviving Infidelity was a good resource for me so you may want to check it out if you haven't already.
Yes, he has shown remorse. So far, once I got the whole truth, he is taking what I feel to be appropriate steps.
He is going for an STI test Monday, and I told him I need to see the results myself.
Post by goldengirlz on Oct 30, 2020 13:43:11 GMT -5
I’m so sorry you’re in this mess.
Like everyone else said, your feelings are your feelings. I think therapy can be life-changing for something like this, to help you sort out all the conflicting emotions and figure out how to move on (with or without him.)
I’m so sorry. I think any feelings at this point are valid.
I listened to a podcast with Esther Perel a little while back that did make me rethink my views on infidelity and maintaining a relationship after. It was on Armchair Expert if you want to look it up, I really loved it.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Oct 30, 2020 13:58:44 GMT -5
Oh my god, what a horrible thing to do to you. I'm so sorry.
Hearts are really dumb. They like to feel a lot of things that seem crazy. You've got to feel what you've got to feel.
But please take care of yourself. There are lots of paths to choose, but choose the one where you're valued. Be good to you, hold yourself up high, and the rest will fall in line.
You don't deserve to go through this hurt and betrayal.
I wish I could give you a big hug. This must feel like such a gut punch. I'm so glad you have a therapy appointment scheduled.
I don't think it's fair to question anything you're feeling right now. This is a curveball you never expected, and you've built a life with this man. Be kind to yourself and remember he did this, and it's no reflection of anything you are or have done. Please look out for yourself and don't think twice about taking steps to protect yourself, no matter which choices follow.
Oh FFS, H. I am so mad at him on your behalf. You don't deserve this.
I'm glad you are getting counseling for yourself - I think it will help you figure out your feelings on this, and decide what your right path is. Wanting to be with him isn't crazy, but I think that time will tell if actually staying with him is or isn't. I think it will depend a lot on his next steps and how you can rebuild trust if that's what you want to do. If you end up truly believing that he's remorseful and committed to being with you and being faithful, there is nothing wrong with making that choice.
I'll be honest though and say there is a LOT to come back from here, between the hurtful things he said and the fact that he's slept with multiple other women. Although I have little patience for any affair of any kind, I think having multiple affairs (and simultaneously) is a pretty deliberate thing to do and speaks to some pretty major issues with who he is. He can change that, if he's motivated to do so. But please do what you need to to protect yourself in case he doesn't.
I am probably biased here in part because I've been through something like this and it didn't work out, and partly because I've met you in person and know you via social media and I can't imagine that you deserve this in any way, shape, or form. You are smart, beautiful, kind, and altogether lovely, and I hate that he has chosen to disregard all of that in this hurtful way.
You like to imagine that if you're ever in this position you're out on the lawn in a flash making a bonfire out of his stuff. But it's all so much more complicated than that. It isn't crazy to want to be with the husband you love. Make no decisions beyond the therapy appointment you've made. You don't owe anyone anything, and you don't have to do anything a certain way or at a certain time.
Oh man, how awful. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You aren't crazy for wanting to be with him, but man, would these affairs still be happening if you hadn't found out? Is he committed to making your marriage work?
He cheated 2x, one with your friend, and the other a 5 month relationship. I hope therapy helps you see that you do not deserve to be with a dog like this. He is a disgusting human being. I know it is so difficult for you to see clearly right now, but please remember you deserve better. This is not someone I would ever trust again, nor let sleep in my basement.
Brace yourself because what he's doing is the trickle truth. He doesn't get any good guy credit for letting you feel like he's finally confessed to everything.
Agree 100% my bet is it still isnt the whole truth.
Post by sofamonkey on Oct 30, 2020 15:31:02 GMT -5
It’s ok to not be done. The rug was pulled out from under you. You haven’t settled out your feelings because you haven’t even figured out which ones your feeling, and that’s normal. I’m glad you’re doing counseling too, as that can help. Even the couples counseling, because you both have a lot to sort out in your relationship, even if the end result is different than either of you imagine. It’s the help processing this shituation that will be good.
The only thing I’d ask myself is why I want it to work. Is it because it’s what you’re used to? Is it fear of the unknown versus what you’re comfortable with? Is it truly because your relationship is the one you want to be in? There aren’t right or universal answers that will for everyone.
Be kind to yourself, and make sure you get some alone time to process or just decompress too. ❤️ Good luck.
Brace yourself because what he's doing is the trickle truth. He doesn't get any good guy credit for letting you feel like he's finally confessed to everything.
You’re right- I think I have the whole truth, but I know it’s possible I don’t.
Post by formerlyak on Oct 30, 2020 15:45:32 GMT -5
I get not feeling like you are done. I think that is normal. And for some people, they can go to therapy and do the work together and in the long run it does work out. If he says he is willing to do the work, and he follows through with that, and you want to try, only you can know if that is right for you. Only YOU.
You will need to ask yourself a lot of questions and be honest with yourself about it all every step of the way. Mine gave up in the first therapy session. I still felt like I wasn't done and that I wanted to "save" our marriage. Individual therapy was great for me to really evaluate if I was scared of losing what I thought my life would be or if I really wanted to try to make my marriage work. The thing that made me realize I was just mourning what I thought my marriage was, was realizing that I had zero trust for my ex and even if we did work things out, I would always feel like I had to be watching over my shoulder. I didn't want to live like that.
Post by downtoearth on Oct 30, 2020 15:59:36 GMT -5
Hugs - this is the worst. I am soooooo sorry. I hear you and understand the pain and hurt you are processing... it's overwhelming. Hugs.
I know you know that this is his doing and is not because of you. I can't tell you what to do... that is up to you to decide what boundaries and how you want your relationship to be. I can tell you that I did not want to stay with my XH when I found out... and there were other issues that we were having on communication, which were so confounding. I realized I was so used to gas lighting that I was having a hard time reconciling who I thought he was with who he really was. Please get the support you need and make sure you get the space you need to - separation doesn't automatically mean divorce, but it helps you feel safe to feel all your feelings when you need to and not accommodate him for awhile. Then you can talk about it in counseling if you need to.
It didn't take long for me, but I decided that I couldn't learn to respect or feel like I wasn't always policing someone who had so little integrity, was/had actively destabilized our family, and intentionally deceived me, not to mention that he was able to so easily discard or ignore time/attention with me and kids for his sexual wants. So much more came out after - even though I thought I understood things when I found out about my XH's infidelity. I mean - friends starting talking to me and I found out about things like concerts he went to with buddies in other towns... and she showed up. Or when he flew home early from a vacation for "work" and to watch the kids and actually didn't pick the kids up from the grandparents for like 9 hours after he arrived... because he was with his affair partner. So knowing the general stuff and really knowing the details are so damaging and traumatic. I hope you have a great counselor who is just yours... only for you to deal with the trauma you are in and being a victim of this. Plus then you can talk with the marriage counselor who is there for the relationship.
But I can also tell you that from the other side - it's sooooo much better. I can talk about that if you ever want to.
You are in such a tough place. Hang on and know that you have us behind you to hear you vent, send you virtual hugs, and understand that decisions and figuring this out is one of the hardest things in life and you don't have to have answers or decisions right away. Hugs.
Oh geez. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.
I completely empathise and understand where you’re coming from in terms of feelings, thoughts, and emotions being all over the place. Sometimes I feel the same - from thinking about life as a single mom and working out custody agreements, to staying together and working on our issues.
It’s a complete roller coaster of a mindfuck and that’s ok. It’s not easy.
I hope your session next week helps to put things in a better perspective for you. It has helped me tremendously to have someone to who is impartial and committed to helping me navigate the twists and turns of marriage and infidelity.
I'll say this as someone who has been in your shoes. I "fought" for my marriage because I thought that was what I was I supposed to do. I tried to forgive, tried to regain the trust, tried to "help" him because clearly he was damaged in some way. And one day I woke up and thought "why am I fighting so hard to be in a marriage with someone I no longer even like?"
I'm not saying that couples can never be better after cheating, but just make sure you're trying for the right reasons and not because it's easier or you're embarrassed or you're worried about being single. I told a friend in a similar situation that I couldn't promise she would meet someone better, or even that she would be happy. But I could promise that she would be far less lonely on her own than in a bad marriage.
Post by Leeham Rimes on Oct 30, 2020 16:59:33 GMT -5
I’m so sorry he’s putting you through this, it’s incredibly disgusting of him. Not only the physical cheating with sex but putting in the emotional effort to have an *relationship* with someone, I want to punch him for you.
Your emotions I’m sure are going to be like a roller coaster, therapy will definitely be very important and helpful to sort through those emotions and then decide if it’s in your best interest to put your heart on the line again for this man.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
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