Hello. Feeling stuck

[cleo29]

Anyone still coming here?

I had been doing ok, but I keep getting into a cycle of not being able to not think about the OW and the many way I can compare my self to her. Worse, I don't feel like I can discuss it too much with people IRL because they do not want to hear it anymore. I should be over it or something. Now, maybe that is not the case across the board, but I know for some it is true. I have had some great support from people, but ultimately feel very alone.

[tiramisu]

I'm still checking in here.

Remind me, do you have a therapist? If so, have you brought this up?

I know generally, comparison leads to us feeling less happy. For me, one of the things that helped was remembering that what my XH did was about him and what was missing in him, not about me. Granted, there were problems in the relationship, but instead of communicating honestly with me, he chose to break the promises we made and engage with someone else. That was all about him. I don't know if trying to reframe it that way might be helpful.

I will also say that for me, it was all a bit of a trauma-like response. Thinking of the other woman, what happened, etc. So sometimes I needed to do things to distract myself and try to put my focus elsewhere.

How have you been doing overall?

[acr]

That's hard. It does take some active effort to redirect thinking about the OW. My divorce was long enough ago that I can't really remember how I did it other than with time & focusing on my own life. Now when my thoughts drift that way, it's more along the lines of "Poor them. They must be so envious of my life." Ultimately it seems like the strongest way out is to feel good about where you are, your choices, and who you are...which is easier said than done. Hugs.

It's okay to feel how you need to feel. Allow yourself that but also find a path to the you that you want to be. 

Also...like PP said, I never believed what XH did was about me. I 100% knew it was about how he needed to see himself; and the only way he knew how to do that was with someone who wasn't a mirror that made him see his poor choices. 

[cleo29]

tiramisu, I am seeing a therapist and we are working on ways to help me get past all this. I do think the obsessive thinking ties to my ADD a bit. I don't know. I have good days/weeks and then some that i can't get out of the loop.

I hate that it was someone I know, someone in our neighborhood. It adds a personal layer to it that is more hurtful. I don't know.

And we have stayed together. Most days that feels right, but some days it just feels hard.

[tiramisu]

cleo29 I'm glad you have a therapist and that you two are working on managing these thoughts.

It makes a lot of sense, your safe area was violated and that's hard. I think when you're going through this, what the right answer is changes. I think one thing that I should've told myself more was that it was okay to make a different decision if it was too hard for me to go with the first one I made. I tried to work it out. I think it can work, for me it didn't which is both fortunate and unfortunate.

[cleo29]

Nov 12, 2020 19:50:38 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

cleo29 I'm glad you have a therapist and that you two are working on managing these thoughts.

It makes a lot of sense, your safe area was violated and that's hard. I think when you're going through this, what the right answer is changes. I think one thing that I should've told myself more was that it was okay to make a different decision if it was too hard for me to go with the first one I made. I tried to work it out. I think it can work, for me it didn't which is both fortunate and unfortunate.

Yeah, I feel like I want to be with him. That i still see my life with him, but there are many days I wish we could move and really make a fresh start somewhere. But then we are established in this neighborhood and to start over is daunting. I am full of contradictions! lol

[acr]

Ah I didn’t realize you were together still. That’s great. Definitely complicates the ability to move past when there is the relationship to heal on top of everything else.

[tiramisu]

Nov 12, 2020 19:57:54 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Nov 12, 2020 19:50:38 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

cleo29 I'm glad you have a therapist and that you two are working on managing these thoughts.

It makes a lot of sense, your safe area was violated and that's hard. I think when you're going through this, what the right answer is changes. I think one thing that I should've told myself more was that it was okay to make a different decision if it was too hard for me to go with the first one I made. I tried to work it out. I think it can work, for me it didn't which is both fortunate and unfortunate.

Yeah, I feel like I want to be with him. That i still see my life with him, but there are many days I wish we could move and really make a fresh start somewhere. But then we are established in this neighborhood and to start over is daunting. I am full of contradictions! lol

Of course! It makes a lot of sense to want to move away from everything. It's not necessarily a bad idea, even though it would be difficult. It's also not necessarily the right answer. I think that's what's so hard about these situations, there's no one right answer or one right path.

[cleo29]

Nov 13, 2020 17:52:57 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

Nov 12, 2020 19:57:54 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Yeah, I feel like I want to be with him. That i still see my life with him, but there are many days I wish we could move and really make a fresh start somewhere. But then we are established in this neighborhood and to start over is daunting. I am full of contradictions! lol

Of course! It makes a lot of sense to want to move away from everything. It's not necessarily a bad idea, even though it would be difficult. It's also not necessarily the right answer. I think that's what's so hard about these situations, there's no one right answer or one right path.

I agree. There were reasons I had wanted to move before all of this, but it definitely increased it. Just not sure what we will do. A lot depends on H's job, of course. I know I have a lot of work I need to do on myself before any major changes are made. 

How are you doing?

[tiramisu]

Nov 13, 2020 21:10:59 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Nov 13, 2020 17:52:57 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

Of course! It makes a lot of sense to want to move away from everything. It's not necessarily a bad idea, even though it would be difficult. It's also not necessarily the right answer. I think that's what's so hard about these situations, there's no one right answer or one right path.

I agree. There were reasons I had wanted to move before all of this, but it definitely increased it. Just not sure what we will do. A lot depends on H's job, of course. I know I have a lot of work I need to do on myself before any major changes are made. 

How are you doing?

I understand. Oh, the work in therapy. So worth it, but so hard in the moments.

I'm doing well. The holidays and COVID single are a little rough, a little lonely, but it's much better than it was with my XH. Work has been ridiculous but I'm grateful for my job. I realized I have a crush on a coworker (great idea, all sarcasm meant) and as I'm reflecting, I'm realizing that he's probably been dropping hints for a little bit.

How have you been? Other than feeling stuck, of course.

[cleo29]

tiramisu, not in the best head space. I have started working this year and that is actually going well, or I think it is, we shall see what happens after I pay taxes this year. lol

I don't know. I am trying to get a lot of personal things resolved, separate of H and I have to help my mom. It's just a lot.

tell me more about the crush. If nothing else, maybe he will be a fun diversion of sorts.

[tiramisu]

Nov 14, 2020 23:49:50 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

tiramisu, not in the best head space. I have started working this year and that is actually going well, or I think it is, we shall see what happens after I pay taxes this year. lol

I don't know. I am trying to get a lot of personal things resolved, separate of H and I have to help my mom. It's just a lot.

tell me more about the crush. If nothing else, maybe he will be a fun diversion of sorts.

I'm glad to hear work has been going well so far. I hope that at tax time it continues to be a good thing.

I hear you on working to resolve personal things. It's been a process for me as I've been navigating being single and dating again. I feel better about myself than I have in a long time, even though I know it's always a work in progress.

So the crush is someone at work whose office is right next to mine. I didn't realize that he's probably been dropping hints of interest for a while, as I've been telling one of my friends about it recently. Until recently I thought he was married, but then we were talking one day and he told me that he lives in a studio apartment in one of the properties he owns because he's not married and doesn't have any kids. He complimented the color of my pants the other day and then recently my hair. So I'm finally realizing he might actually kinda like me too. He's 3 years older than me, originally from South America (I think). In a management position. Theoretically should be kind of a badass, but is also kinda dorky and awkward. So yeah, we'll see.

[downtoearth]

I'm not around as much anymore here, but I pop in here every once in awhile to see if people update. You guys were all so kind almost 2 yrs ago when ish hit the fan for me.

cleo29 , I know I'm not in your shoes, but I do know that about 1 - 1.5 yrs after my sister reconciled, she and her XH started doing MORE therapy again. It wasn't so much the crisis care that they had for the first 6-ish months, but became the more focused long term personal issues. Her XH had to do some therapy to re-look at how he viewed sex and intimacy (mostly intimacy) and my sister ended up doing EMDR therapy since the infidelity reveal and deception was a source factor for PTSD for her. She couldn't "get past" or "move on" with talk therapy alone. Since she couldn't and didn't want to physically separate herself from that source factor of PTSD infidelity (her H ultimately), her therapist wanted her to "reset" through EMDR and talk therapy combined. Maybe that is something you could talk with your therapist about? Or discuss if there is a way to get out of the focusing

I'm guessing you don't follow chumplady, but there are SOOOOOO may articles about how hard it is to stop focusing, and misplaced blaming, of the other woman (doesn't mean they don't have some blame, but the hurt and betrayal were not done or instigated on you by that other person, but by someone you loved/trusted so that is why your brain tries to find a way around accepting hurt from someone you love). This is because it's really common. And it's hard to not want to think that a person you know and love would intentionally victimize and deceive you, so we put a lot of that on the person who seems more sinister and unknown. Plus, you knew her too and had already decided she wasn't trustworthy, so it's really hard to reconcile your instincts with what your H did and liked about her. Facing the loss of how you trusted and saw your husband's instincts and how he could fall for a woman that you didn't really respect already is sooooo hard to get over. Loss is not a straight line where you grieve and get through and move on... it's a modern art form where you are laid flat by a smell or sound after laughing with a loved one or maybe moments after having the best sex. Don't expect that you aren't going to go through a really angry phase and want to direct that at someone who you already had some disrespect for... your brain is just trying to make sense of this and trying protect you from the hurt that is under that fixation and anger. Hugs. Let us know if you figure out something that works for you to help you move on. But sometimes it's just realizing that you are going "backward" in mourning the loss of your relationship and trust for your H and having to be in that moment for a bit before your brain processes that hurt again.

Hugs - plus holidays and family time can sometimes take awhile to feel "normal" again. 

[cleo29]

downtoearth, thank you for writing. I seriously wish I could talk with your sister; it would be nice to have someone to talk to who really gets it (not that you don't, but definitely not the people IRL with me).

I am definitely in that zone of not only feeling angry, but also just so hurt. I don't think I realized at the time the hit my self-esteem took in all of this. BUt, man, that is the really hard part. And it is not just the physical short comings i feel compared to her, but more. I feel like she is the younger, thinner, healthier, more ambitious, better educated version of me or something. That is the hard part about knowing who the other person was/is. And, while H definitely went gladly along, she pursued him. I think over the years she had tried to make overtures, but he was not receptive at those times. So, yes, my anger at her regarding that is warranted. Just as my anger at him is warranted, but for different reasons, most of which you mentioned.

I'm just feeling incredibly alone. I don't feel like i can talk much more about this with my friends because they do not want to hear it anymore. I definitely had one friend bail in part to that, so that feels really great. I am in therapy and we are starting the EMDR this week. We shall see if it helps.

I hate feeling like on one hand, maybe I should have stayed separated; not because I don't love him, but more because i am not sure how much or how soon I will be getting better. And I can't help feeling that there is a lot he has not told me and that really, really bothers me because that all goes into feeling like I can trust him again someday.

we are working on this in therapy, but I had not realized just how much I fear being left, not being good enough or simply enough for someone. Or simply that the baggage that I come with is way, way too much.

[tiramisu]

Oh cleo29, I relate to that so, so much. One of my biggest fears/negative beliefs was that no one would ever love me enough to marry me and that I'm "too much" as I am, that love doesn't last forever, at least for me. I'm here any time you want to talk. I'll send you a PM.

[doriswe]

Hey cleo29, I still pop in here from time to time and wanted to send you hugs. I remember that feeling and I was really great and falling down that rabbit hole. I also found myself reading posts on a board about infidelity, which just amplified my spinning out. Fortunately (or unfortunately?), XH and I couldn't work through things (him still continuing a relationship had something to do with that lol). I've spent a lot of time working on me and even with all of that and really knowing my worth, I have thoughts like tiramisu talks about in the post just before this. None of this is easy so please be kind to yourself.

[neonpink]

I just wanted to give you some virtual hugs. I think sometimes we are our own worst enemy and will think about things over and over and criticize ourselves for not being able to do XYZ. I don't think you are wrong for not being over everything. Everyone moves at our own speed.
Like Doriswe said and I think it holds true: Be kind to yourself.