So it could be that I signed divorce papers last week or that it was my 25th birthday and living alone in TN is soo not where I thought I would be right now but I am going through some type of life adjustment. Ive handled the split pretty well but Ive lived alone since Jan and as much as I love my job, I cant make it my whole life forever. Please assure me I will not die alone and also vote on the following life choices. My therapist said that I should look for something new to look forward to and have some excitement so these are the things I have come up with and when you look at the whole list, it really does look like a midlife crisis but these choices are not that crazy for me. 1. Get my motorcycle license. I grew up riding and love it and since I live in the south, I would have a long riding season and could use it to commute to work in the summer. 2. Get a gun. I feel very nervous living alone. I like going to shooting ranges and I have taken gun safety classes when I first started but I didnt know that I wanted to own at that point. 3. Get a tattoo. I wanted this to be more of a 25th bday present to myself but it would be my first and I would like 'Salt and Light' in Latin down my spine/midback. 4. Take a vacation alone. Has anyone ever done this? 5. Figure out what to do with my engagement ring. Suggestions appreciated but for some reason, Im not fond of selling it to do something temporary with the money like a trip or purse. The only thing I have come up with is diamond earrings or a diamond necklace but who really buys that kind of thing for themselves?
I had a quarter-life crisis (actually earlier) for different reasons, but it ended up being the best thing to happen to me. I tried all sorts of new things - I became a bartender, I took pistol-shooting lessons, and yes, I took vacations - LOTS of them - alone. I had to work through the underlying issues, but knowing that I was being proactive about trying new things in life made it all better.
So my vote is that you do all of those things, in due course. :-)
As for the ring, consider making a necklace with the diamond in a new setting.
Sell the ring for a trip. Or a gun and the tattoo.
Traveling alone has been one of the best things I've ever done. I love it. I've been taking myself on day/ weekend trips when I'm kid free and it is so so freeing. I have honestly never felt better than when i know I have a whole city at my disposal and no one to tell me they dont want to do something or want to do something I don't care about. I really can't recommend it enough.
I had a quarter-life crisis (actually earlier) for different reasons, but it ended up being the best thing to happen to me. I tried all sorts of new things - I became a bartender, I took pistol-shooting lessons, and yes, I took vacations - LOTS of them - alone. I had to work through the underlying issues, but knowing that I was being proactive about trying new things in life made it all better.
So my vote is that you do all of those things, in due course. :-)
As for the ring, consider making a necklace with the diamond in a new setting.
{{{hugs}}}
IIOY is wise.
I too vote for E, all of the above.
Also, yes people do buy themselves beautiful jewelry. I am currently wearing my absolute favorite necklace in the whole wide world, a black pearl and diamond pendant, that I bought on a bit of a whim as a graduation present to myself.
I know just where you're coming from. I got divorced about 4 years ago and have been going through a crisis ever since . Oh, I'm fine and all, but life just feels pale and washed-out. I have a lot of fun with friends and family, enjoy my job and have happy times, but in general I just find life to be a huge disappointment. The years I was married were very happy and hopeful (besides the cheating at the end), and now I'm just Meh.
I often feel like I'll end up alone. I wouldn't prefer it, but that just might be the way things are and I'll have to deal.
I don't mean to be a downer! Like emmy and IIOY said, being alone is very freeing and can be exciting. Doing whatever I want whenever I want is pretty great.
Oh, and I totally pawned my engagement ring. I don't remember what I spent the money on, actually. I felt like it was more insulting to the Ex to just sell it and fritter the money away on groceries or whatever.
Post by curmudgeon on May 18, 2012 14:57:25 GMT -5
All the above. Vacationing alone is the best! I love to go to any city and spend days wandering the streets, shopping, and trying little hole-in-the-wall places. You can meet so many fascinating people and best if all you get to do exactly what you want whenever you want to.
If you're still nervous about traveling alone, I recommend going somewhere awesome where there are quite a few lovely P&CE ladies so you can see some friendly faces while you're vacationing. May I recommend the fabulous city of New York? ;D
I also think you find a hobby or join a club or something that would require you to be invested in a group of people somewhere.
If you're churchie at all, I recommend that. Find one with a great young adult class that does fun things like trips and stuff.
For instance, there is a sewing convention in Alabama I am DYING to attend one of these days. A whole week with my sewing machine and everyone else with their sewing machines. Something like that would be perfect for you as it would get you away but not stick you alone, kwim?
Not that you need a sewing convention. But something like that.
How about we take a vacation together and get tattoos? I'm also anxious about living alone.
Did you file last week? Ours was finalized last week, but I'm surprisingly feeling pretty darn good about everything. Thinking of you!
I would be so down for that! Im so serious-fbook me.
I dont know if he filed but we did get everything done and all he would have to do is turn it in and the wait begins. I thought he would but then I found out that he asked a girl that we both have been friends with for a long time to go to the beach with him this weekend. She said no but I cant take the risk of talking to him without stabbing right now.
I know just where you're coming from. I got divorced about 4 years ago and have been going through a crisis ever since . Oh, I'm fine and all, but life just feels pale and washed-out. I have a lot of fun with friends and family, enjoy my job and have happy times, but in general I just find life to be a huge disappointment. The years I was married were very happy and hopeful (besides the cheating at the end), and now I'm just Meh.
I often feel like I'll end up alone. I wouldn't prefer it, but that just might be the way things are and I'll have to deal.
I don't mean to be a downer! Like emmy and IIOY said, being alone is very freeing and can be exciting. Doing whatever I want whenever I want is pretty great.
Oh, and I totally pawned my engagement ring. I don't remember what I spent the money on, actually. I felt like it was more insulting to the Ex to just sell it and fritter the money away on groceries or whatever.
Im so sorry brookles! Im still very scared of being this alone and I cant date.
This is mostly why I am scared to travel alone for pleasure. I travel all the time for work but I feel like its ok. When Im alone for too long I feel like I need to be doing something on my phone or anxiously waiting for someone. I need to learn to be at peace with just being on my own and relax and I feel like everyone is looking at me when I go out to eat or do things alone. Managing this anxiety has been a struggle.
Post by heightsyankee on May 18, 2012 15:25:14 GMT -5
Sell the ring for a badass trip. Maybe even have casual, drunken sex on badass trip if so inclined.
You are more likely to get killed with your own gun than you are to protect yourself.
I like a nice tattoo but make it discreet. You might not want it to show when your next serious boyfriend takes you to the Met or some kind of fabulous gala.
Motorcycles aren't my thing but they sure seem fun!
This is mostly why I am scared to travel alone for pleasure. I travel all the time for work but I feel like its ok. When Im alone for too long I feel like I need to be doing something on my phone or anxiously waiting for someone. I need to learn to be at peace with just being on my own and relax and I feel like everyone is looking at me when I go out to eat or do things alone. Managing this anxiety has been a struggle.
I remember that feeling. Trust me, it will pass and you will be okay-- promise! I felt the same way for awhile after my Ex moved out, but now I am perfectly fine all by myself. It is really nice to feel calm, independent and at peace. In fact, I've been trying living with a roommate for a few months since I moved back to Cincinnati, and I cannot WAIT to get back to living alone.
And, while I am not necessarily super happy, I DO feel very good about who I am and how far I've come. I know that I'm able to handle just about anything, and I don't fear being alone at home or out and about. You will get through this, and you will get there.
This is mostly why I am scared to travel alone for pleasure. I travel all the time for work but I feel like its ok. When Im alone for too long I feel like I need to be doing something on my phone or anxiously waiting for someone. I need to learn to be at peace with just being on my own and relax and I feel like everyone is looking at me when I go out to eat or do things alone. Managing this anxiety has been a struggle.
I struggled with this. I still remember the first time I went to the movies by myself, I was terrified. It took a while for me to feel completely comfortable. One of the things I did that helped was to always have some sort of reading material with me. You can use your phone, but since this was pre-iPhone for me, I brought a book or magazine. [ETA: At various times I brought a journal with me, which not only gave me something to do but helped me to work through my feelings]. I eventually reached a point where I quite enjoyed going to restaurants and having a quiet meal while I read, or to a bar and having a drink while reading. You'd be amazed how many people will just start talking to you, which I liked.
I worked hard to be open to conversations with complete strangers, and I quickly learned that lots of people have interesting backgrounds or stories. I loved listening to people's experiences and fun tales. It made me feel so much less lonely and it lead to some really fun, sociable afternoons and evenings, especially if alcohol was involved. It's amazing what people will share if you ask a couple open-ended questions. :-)
Everyone's journey is different, but please know that your anxiety is not at all unusual.
I dont know if he filed but we did get everything done and all he would have to do is turn it in and the wait begins. I thought he would but then I found out that he asked a girl that we both have been friends with for a long time to go to the beach with him this weekend. She said no but I cant take the risk of talking to him without stabbing right now.
I'd stab him too. I asked my ex-h to avoid dating anyone that I know, which shouldn't be too hard.
Post by basilosaurus on May 18, 2012 16:07:00 GMT -5
Sorry you're struggling.
I don't think it's a good idea to get a tattoo when you're not in the best mental place. Will you look back and have it remind you of a dark time? I don't like tattoos, so that may color my view, but I think I'd only want one as a celebration, and I don't think you're seeing your new singlehood as a time for celebration.
If you can afford it, do the jewelry and the trip. If not sell the jewelry to fund the trip. I took my first major alone vacation when I was 25, and it was awesome. I was pretty nervous about it, but it ended up being so fantastic, for how it made me feel about myself and how it made me find a new appreciation for that type of travel. I actually did it for the opposite reason as you. I knew I was about to quit my job and move to be with H, and I wanted to do a last major thing by myself. Little did I know it would make me catch a travel bug to such a degree that I'd find myself travelling alone again a lot after marriage. Warning: this is a very expensive habit to develop.
I'm not a fan of guns. Could you maybe take up something like muay thai for self-defense? It would get you meeting new people and get you in shape which will in turn (easy to say, harder to do) make you feel more confident.
Motorcycles, not generally a fan, but if it makes you happy, go for it. At least it would give you more outside time which is always a plus.
Oh, and ditto meetup. It varies by region in its success, but it was a huge help for me moving to Hawaii and finding a social network quickly.
Post by basilosaurus on May 18, 2012 16:10:17 GMT -5
Oh, as far as traveling alone with nothing to do, that part was what made my trip. I always had a book, and that was good enough most of the time. But some of my favorite memories of that first alone travel were the random conversations I had at bars. I ate a lot of meals at restaurant bars. I even met people on trains that I'd go have meals with. And I'm not an extroverted person!
I also would write in a notebook. I guess people call it a journal. I never write in a journal except when traveling. I think I thought it made me look legit, like I was working or something, and that's why I was alone, but I found it was really useful. There I was having all these experiences, and wanted to share them with someone, so I shared them with myself. I don't know if I can explain it better than that. It was a lot of stream of consciousness stuff. And when I was in Hong Kong by myself last winter, it was a lot of awesome spiced wine soaked stuff
First of all, I just wanted to give you major hugs even though you said you're doing well with this.
As for the list, I would go on the vacation by myself. I've never done a long period of time away, but I have travelled and went sightseeing alone many times prior to meeting my husband. I loved it.
I think you should just put your ring in a safety deposit box for now and give it some time. Eventually, you'll have a better idea of what you want to do with it.
Thank you all. Thinking more about owning a gun, I dont think I would ever be ok with shooting someone so thats out. Im going to think a little more about the tattoo but it would be an area I could easily cover if I wanted and it would never, ever show in a professional setting. The tattoo has meaning to me but I would rather wait until I am in a really good place so I dont associate it with divorce/crisis. I signed up for the motorcycle class and Im going to keep an eye out for nice jewelry but Im in no rush for that. Im planning a major international trip for work but Ill hold off on celebrating until its final. Im going to start off with some short trips and day stuff until I get the hang of this. I really do appreciate you all being so supportive and having my best interests at heart.
Post by statlerwaldorf on May 18, 2012 23:24:28 GMT -5
I would not own a gun if I was not 100% prepared to use it. I vote for getting a motorcycle license. Driving a motorcycle seems like a good way to get rid of stress.
Any or all of #1 - #5. I went through a painful divorce at 25, and while I didn't wish for it now or then it (cliche alert!) was in some ways the making of the person I am today.
I went on a road trip with my best friend and DS who was a toddler at the time, shortly after I was separated. At the time my brother pastored a gay congregation, and when we visited people kept gushing about how great it was to see a baby. I mean, you'd think they'd never seen a baby before. ::)It was a couple days later that I finally figured out the people thought my BFF and I were a couple (yes, I was a bit sheltered even into adulthood).
That's a totally random memory, but from the vantage point of years later and married to the right guy, it's a really sweet memory. Go out, do all the things you've longed to do, now is the time.
I think you should do everything but the motorcycle. Everyone I know that owned a motorcycle got in a terrible accident w/ it. I really don't think they're safe. Otherwise hell yes get some new jewelry & take an awesome vacation!