Setting an example for your kids as a working parent

[twinmomma]

Do you feel like you show your kids (daughters especially) that you're a powerful career woman? Or do they just see it as "mom has a job." 

I've realized that my kids obviously only kind of understand what I do for my job. They see the events I plan, the creative graphic design stuff I work on, and I've explained some of the other marketing stuff I do. I think it helps that my job looks "fun" from the outside in a lot of ways. They joke that my team is like the PTA of the company.

But then I realize I rarely talk about how I'm one of the bosses of the company and that I'm in charge of a bunch of people. I help run the company and make big decisions for a fairly large organization. I worked really hard to get here. I do a lot more than just the fun stuff, but I never really talk about that piece with my kids. 

This is something I've been mulling over more and more lately, and now especially with the op ed about Dr. Jill Biden dropping the "Dr" because it's "not real" enough. She tweeted out a quote that said "Together we will build a world where the accomplishments of our daughters will be celebrated, rather than diminished." 

I think I certainly diminish, not celebrate, my professional accomplishments around my kids. It's something I want to work on so that my girls see me lead by example. If my kids think I'm just the PTA of the company, they're missing out on a lot of the real work I'm doing too. 

[mommyatty]

My kids get that I’m a boss of other people. They’ve heard me on calls sometimes, so I think they get a sense that people listen to me as I give really important advice. It’s been really important to me that my daughter especially sees that I’m in a mostly male organization but that I’m still valued and I do important things.

Also there’s a boy in her class who is a total shit, who says things like “girls can’t be astronauts” and “girls aren’t good at science” and “girls can’t play soccer, they can only be cheerleaders”, so I had several discussions with her about how I played soccer and was a cheerleader in high school, and how now I lead a team of scientists and engineers. I also told her almost my entire team is made up of men, yet I’m the boss. And I tell her about the women I get to collaborate with who are scientists and engineers.

[mustardseed2007]

My son is in third and my daughter is in kindergarten and they both know what I do. My son absolutely knows I'm the boss because he remembers my old boss. I talked about it at home when he left the company and DS wanted to know if I was going to be the boss and when I told him yes he told me to make sure I got my boss' office and a raise. DD doesn't track my career the same way, I do wonder if she'll catch on the way DS has as she has gotten older.

DH also very frankly has shared with the kids that I make more money but he likes to point out that his job provides better health insurance ha ha.

[waverly]

I think some of this stuff is just unconsciously picked up by the kids rather than super overt. The kids definitely saw we crying when I shut down my organization, and saw me wrestling to open it back up, and have been in on my work calls. I think they have a better idea of what I do than before. I think they probably took away more pandemic related things than girl power boss, which is OK.

[mellym]

They see and hear me on zoom meetings all day but don't really pay too much attention. I think they get it more from the discussions around the dinner table when we go through our best and challenging parts of the day. I've talked about my boss asking and planning that I want to take over his role when he retires and challenges leading a team, giving presentations, etc. DD1 has been a cheerleader for me - of course you're going to be the big boss; how soon until he retires? Many times I use those examples to relate and validate their worries. Like when DD1 was nervous about reciting poetry in front of the class, we talked about how I'm still nervous every time I need to get up and talk in front of people at work and I do it all the time.

[mae0111]

DD1 doesn't pick up on a lot of stuff like that. She knows DH works, fact of life. She knows that I did work, knew I was gone a lot, knew if she got out of bed she would likely find me on a call at the dining room table, especially if DH was away. I've tried to explain to her what I did and how far up the ladder I was, but she doesn't get it (or, quite frankly, doesn't care to).

DD2 spent more time with me at work in my last 6 months. Our nanny was dealing with some health issues and some severe issues with her stepchild (hospitalizations, SD was arrested for assaulting nanny, etc), so DD2 would come with me to the back-up daycare on site. She met my team, my coworkers, my bosses. She knew that I managed people (because people would tell her that I was their boss).

Both kids also picked up on how disconnected I was from home for my last couple of years at my old job. So, sadly, they associate me as a working mom with some negative feelings. When I have mentioned going back to work, they nearly panic. I did not do a good job managing my work/life balance in my final years there. It was pretty awful. So, now they know that I do some work here and there, but I take great pains to separate that work from my interactions with them.

I am the perfect example of what not to do.

[xctsclrx]

My daughter is 2 so no. Right now she is just upset that mom goes to work and she can't snuggle me all day. 2 year old problems right lol.

I heard about the Dr crap and it made me see red, but also made me realize that it's not just my daughter needing to see my role, but also my sons. I never want them to second guess having a woman in stem or in leadership.

I don't ever want them to hesitate to put a woman in charge solely based on her being a woman, but I also don't want it going the other direction either.

Promotion should be based on competency and work ethic.

I want all of my children to know they can do anything or be anything and not tear other people down.

My husband is great in a lot of ways. But he isn't 100% there yet. He thinks his job is more important when I'm actually the one in leadership.

He tries to do his fair share of the kids stuff and is fairly good at it, but refuses to learn how to do our daughters hair. And throws a fit if his schedule gets thrown because of a child related issue. Some things are just so ingrained that I don't think he can really change, because he isn't even aware of it.

I'm trying to make sure my kids have the little things that their Dad is missing. Definitely a work in progress.

[waverly]

xctsclrx , DH is like that in a way. His job is more demanding, and he certainly acts like it. However, when I am home, I do witness him on calls all day long with not even a break to eat lunch, so I get it. But before he worked from home, it was oh like hey I am going to get breakfast with so so, when that would NEVER be something I could do, because who will watch the kids? They are 10 and 8 now though, so it is helpful that I can leave them home for short periods of time, for example, I went to get Covid tested while DH was off getting coffee with a friend. We've been training them to stay home, and did an Outschool class on safety. DH also has thrown many fits about childcare interfering with his work, and the one time I asked him to pick up DS from camp I noticed he was still in the city, so I had to drop everything at the dance recital rehearsal I was at with DD, and rush across 2 towns to pick up DS. 

[vasc]

I’m an elementary school counselor and my DD has known my title since she was old enough to go to school roughly what my job responsibilities are. This year for the first time she is attending my school, I visit her classroom for lessons, and she observes and overheard what I do after school. She knows I’m important in regards to working closely with the P and AP.

[polecat8]

DD definitely knows what I do since I have taken her to the office on 'Take your kid to work' day. I even let her do some software testing for me. She knows that I am a very important part of my team and there is no one else who can do it. I've also taken her to some of my STEM volunteer events. She loves to build and code and is not shy when someone asks for help.

All of my kids know that I work hard to provide for them and that I am working on a medical device that could help a lot of people with cancer. They also know that I am a professor at a local college and that I love to teach. When the kids have problems, I always tell them that there is a solution; we just have to find it.

[mommyatty]

A couple of weeks ago, DD asked DS what he wanted to be when he grew up. He’s being raised in a house with a SAHD. He said, “Definitely a dad.” DD asked if he wanted to be a dad who stayed home or a dad who worked like Mommy and he said “ I want to work in an office like Mommy.” It’s funny that since my kids’ normal is a dad who makes lunches and picks up and drops off at school and helps with homework, they think that’s what normal is. We spend a lot of time talking about how different family look and function differently. 

Last week, DD actually asked how much money I make. I very bluntly told her that I’m not telling her the number, but that our family makes more than 98% of families in America, so we need to keep that to ourselves. I’m also very honest that DH and I started out poor in college. I have some cheap Christmas balls I got at the grocery store the first Christmas we lived together. I tell my kids the story of those decorations, how someone gave us a tiny 4 ft fake tree, and MIL gave us some lights, and we had these balls that were $5. And no money for presents, so we wrapped cereal and macaroni boxes in paper to put under the tree. DD asked how we got so rich after being so poor, and it gave us the opportunity to talk about hard work and education. I think these discussions are important.

[supertrooper1]

DS doesn't understand what I do for work, other than I am on my computer all day answering emails (but most people I know don't understand my job lol). What I like is that DS thinks it's normal to have both parents working. It amazes me that I still hear so many men talk about how women shouldn't work when their kids are young and they don't want "daycares raising their kids".

[waverly]

supertrooper1, one of my girl friends told me that. I was amazed because she was a teacher, so who do you think "raises your kids" when they are school age? Actually I hate the phrase raise your kids. Anyway, since I made all the decisions including if they went to daycare and which one and how often etc. I think I was the one in charge during the daycare years.

Years later, when she had kids, she was a resentful working mom because her husband said no, you have to work (you know for their budget to work out). I don't think she is resentful anymore though.

[sandandsea]

Yes one of my biggest pet peeves is “I’m so blessed I can stay home and raise my kids. I’dm so glad they never had to go to daycare”. That’s an automatic unfriend!!

My younger is oblivious as he’s 4 and wants to be a Mighty Pup from Paw Patrol when he grows up. My older says things so you know he’s proud that both of his parents work and are bosses though he’s made comments too that it’d be nice if we could xy&z like other people’s moms do. Usually it’s something like going to the zoo on a summer Tuesday or other random thing. We usually remind him why we work and what he’s have to give up if we both didn’t work.

[polecat8]

mommyatty, I am in the same situation as you. My DH is a SAHD who does the remote learning, cleaning, and laundry, etc.
Also, my mom is still working, but my dad has been retired for the last 8 years. So my kids think it is normal for the woman to go to work and for the guy to be SAHD.

I try to emphasize to the kids that everybody's situation is different and you have to do what is right for you.

[186momx]

DD is with me at work every day now so yes she sees what we do all day. She has experienced tax day and now understands what I mean when I say we run around like chickens. She also understands there are times when mom has extra time and we don't have to work as long but other times I'm really busy and she needs to let me work. We've already talked about how things will change in January.

I know I push the STEM stuff pretty hard with DD and that she can do anything she puts her mind too. In the late spring usually the two of us will build a wooden flower box when DH isn't home. I find it a great way to use tools and build something. No way my mom or sister would ever attempt something like that and it is a total dad/guy project in their minds.

[k3am]

DD knows that both of us work and that both of our careers are necessary to support our family. DH is a "boss" and I'm not (and I have no desire to be). We are working on teching our kids that everyone works, and everyone's job is valid.. if you have a job, any job, take pride in it and do your best. Trash collector? Just as important to society as a doctor. SAHM? Rock the heck out of it. Boss? Be the best boss.

We (as society, not DH and I) try to celebrate accomplishments for our kids when they do something well, I think it's totally appropriate to celebrate our accomplishments as adults too.

[traveltheworld]

Both kids know that I'm a lawyer and DS has a good grasp of what I do. Back when I used to travel for work, I also used to send the kids pictures of all the sites we are visiting - some are super cool, like large-scale LNG plants or commercial ports etc. So the kids probably have a skewed view of how exciting my job actually is. DH has emphasized to them, and they can also see first-hand, that my job is more demanding. I work different time zones, so I'm never really "off"; and I don't think I've ever taken an uninterrupted vacation. I make a point of telling them that I love my job, but also it's stressful and has sucky parts that I need to push through.

I'm the only female lawyer in my department, and the only one without a SAH spouse; but that hasn't really come up in conversations with the kids. My kids already firmly believe that women can do anything that men can.

[k3am]

traveltheworld, I've been brainwashing my kids since they were babes.. women can do anything men can do.. except pee standing up. DD maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay have let her first grade teacher know.

[traveltheworld]

k3am, my children have ridiculous conversations and DS has brought up the "boys can pee standing up!" a few times in the context of difference between men and women; to which DD always responds with "yes, but girls give LIFE!!! LIFE!!"

[shakinros]

Anecdote: I knew since maybe middle school that my dad did research and I could recite his specialty. Still I was probably 17 years old before I could make meaning out of the phrase “radar signal processing.”

DD knows my company gives money to help people and she took a lot of pride in that early in the pandemic. I don’t think I’d bother trying to explain my exact job to her yet since several of my coworkers don’t understand what I do all day either! (I have a long title but functionally, I’m the chief of staff.) DH is often emphasizing that I’m a boss so I think she gets that part.

[k3am]

shakinros the first time I did jury duty, I sat thru 10 days of selections. I was shocked by how many people didn’t know what the adults in their house did for work. Feeling pretty badass about my knowledge about DH’s career and proudly announced he does business intelligence and data engineering.. judge asks.. what does that mean? And had to join the ranks of... I don’t know what my husband does.

[phdmomma]

Both kids know that I am a college professor in STEM. They don't really realize that it's odd for both parents to work in STEM, particularly mom. They've met my graduate students, and now sat in on a bunch of research presentations because everything is online. Before the pandemic, when there were childcare issues, I would bring them to class occasionally. When DS was 5 he was surprised at how much of things I teach are math, and I had to explain to him that all the people in my class were going to be engineers. He was shocked that all of them were in school for that.

[erbear]

I'm not a powerful career woman. I have a job (albeit one I love).

I do like them to see that 1) I work, 2) I'm good at it (they are at my school so they hear the other kids talk about how much they like my class, which is nice, and 3) I do something I enjoy, so that when I miss bedtime because I'm at a concert or I have to talk to a parent on the weekend, they understand that I do what I do because it's something I care about.

[waverly]

erbear , I think teachers are every bit powerful career women. My job would probably not be considered powerful, but I've made a lot more decisions than I really should considering Covid. I've had to become an armchair epidemiologist. 

[twinmomma]

I appreciate all of your responses! Sorry I'm so late jumping back in.

We definitely push the "girls can do anything" mindset here, I have no worries about that. I think I was just realizing that personally, I don't hype up my own accomplishments to my kids enough. For example, when I explained that I was being the host of a zoom meeting last week for a whole day, they thought that was amazing and a really big deal. I think I can do a better job helping them see the "cool" stuff I do.

I've also realized that most people around them have very clear cut jobs. ExH was a teacher, aunt/grandma are teachers, beau works in a restaurant, grandpa is a firefighter... They're surrounded by adults with super obvious jobs for kids to process.

mellym, I really like that idea of talking about the best/most challenging parts of your day at dinner. That's amazing! We do family dinner together every night and sometimes I struggle to get a conversation going with the kids. That's a good jumping off point.

erbear, Don't diminish what you do! That's what I'm talking about - you're selling yourself short with what you do at work. And like k3am said, it's about celebrating accomplishments at whatever level that might be.

[sdlaura]

Our kids have gotten to observe more about our roles during the pandemic because I’ll be driving them somewhere and one of my analysts will call to ask me what they should do for a client issue, and the kids hear me giving them directions. So they’ll ask what it was about and I end up talking about how I lead my team or whatever.

DH is usually the one who will say ‘tell mommy congratulations for winning a new client’ or something like that at the dinner table. The kids know we work with money and help people retire, and DH involves them in picking stocks because he wants them to understand saving and investing from an early age.

I’ve read studies that sons are more likely to change their future behavior and contribute more to their marriages if they see their mom working. The whole sometime else raising your kids thing is one reason I love Laura Vanderkam’s books and podcasts. I love how she had moms with high powered jobs keep time logs to prove that they actually were spending more time with their kids than they thought. She talks about some mom saying ‘if you get your joy from a pat on the head and a paycheck, great, but I’ll take hugs and dandelions’ or something like that. To which she says ‘we can have all of those - we don’t have to choose.’.

Not knowing what adults do is reminding me of the Friends episode when the girls lose their apartment because they don’t know what Chandler does for work and the best they can come up with is ‘transponster.’

[traveltheworld]

sdlaura, I also love Laura Vanderkam! I took her advice about working a few longer days, then a few shorter days to have more actual quality time with the kids, and it was life-changing. I actually don't have much, if any, working mom guilt. My career allows me to pretty much out-source everything, so I think in terms of actual time spent with the kids, I'm not that far off. Though working from home since the pandemic has shown me how much time I've lost in commuting, so it'll be hard to go back to that.