How do you define infertility?

[Jalapeñomel]

When I talk to people about IF, they inevitably want to relate? to me by telling me about their losses or whatnot, but more often than not, go on to have spontaneous pregnancies (opposite sex relationships) or have no issues having a donor at home and end up pregnant fairly quickly).

So it’s got me thinking, what things encompass infertility from your POV?

[Jalapeñomel]

TW:

Full disclaimer that I had a child without medical intervention, so I think about how maybe I’m a fraud!

[katespade]

Feb 14, 2021 11:54:04 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

TW:

Full disclaimer that I had a child without medical intervention, so I think about how maybe I’m a fraud!

I struggle with this for a similar reason. I had a successful pregnancy from my first medicated cycle TTC #1 (after a year of TTC), which makes me feel like I don’t really qualify as IF. But TTC also requires medical intervention for me because I do not ovulate on my own due to congenital physical abnormalities, which makes it difficult for me to relate to the non-IF crowd.

I don’t know what my definition is. I just know that I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, and it’s really lonely.

[seeyalater52]

I think I hold pretty true to the medical definition of a year trying (or 6 months over 35) or some other known issue that would actually impact conception (not just a doctor told you that you had PCOS when you were a teen and it would be “hard” to have kids but like, you have no sperm or diagnosed POF.)

I also think social infertility (same sex couple or single) is very very valid and also a form of infertility but it is also very not similar in a lot of ways to medical infertility, especially emotionally. I feel like I get to say that since I’ve been on both sides of it. 😂

To me infertility doesn’t necessarily mean you need intervention to conceive, and sustained RPL over a period of time, even if conception is not difficult, definitely counts.

[seeyalater52]

Oh and I hate when people try to relate to me. Especially if they have living children (before I had one) or have experienced successful pregnancies prior to or after miscarrying. I don’t mind people sharing their stuff with me and I’m happy to be a support, but I got really sick of this attitude that bc something worked for them or they felt a certain way, I should do that/feel that too. Infertility is SO many different paths it’s really hard to compare them.

[pinkpeony08]

I know the traditional definition already mentioned above. As someone who doesn’t really fit in any box, I view it as “when your ability to obtain or maintain pregnancy had kept/keeps your family from looking how you would like it to.”

It’s been challenging to feel like I don’t fit in with the infertility community because I have not had a lot of trouble getting pregnant and had two pregnancies before running into recurrent pregnancy loss. I also don’t fit in with the community who feels their family is complete. I still have the same feelings of sadness and jealousy when I see young babies or families that look how I wish mine did even though I have two kids at home.

[Jalapeñomel]

It’s kind of overwhelming to know we all feel alone in this process since each experience is so unique.

[sakoro]

Feb 14, 2021 15:24:27 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

I think I hold pretty true to the medical definition of a year trying (or 6 months over 35) or some other known issue that would actually impact conception (not just a doctor told you that you had PCOS when you were a teen and it would be “hard” to have kids but like, you have no sperm or diagnosed POF.)

I also think social infertility (same sex couple or single) is very very valid and also a form of infertility but it is also very not similar in a lot of ways to medical infertility, especially emotionally. I feel like I get to say that since I’ve been on both sides of it. 😂

To me infertility doesn’t necessarily mean you need intervention to conceive, and sustained RPL over a period of time, even if conception is not difficult, definitely counts.

It seems like we need more descriptors/ definitions of infertility. Typically I would think of infertility as TTC for a while [6 months to a year maybe] without getting pregnant and/or experiencing a pregnancy loss.

I guess I would fit into the social infertility bucket, although I have never described myself that way. I wanted kids, but couldn't find a partner and wasn't willing to do it on my own. I never tried during my peak fertility years and statistically-speaking I probably wouldn't be able to do it without interventions now at 43. I feel like I wouldn't want to go through pregnancy or have a newborn at my age and would rather have step-children or adopted children.

I don't relate to the child free by choice folks (although happy for them if that's what they wanted). This is definitely a big disappointment that I've had to process. It's really painful when people assume that I hate kids, that I wouldn't want to be set up on a date with a man who has kids, or that I chose travel and partying over having kids. I loved spending time with my honorary niece and nephews pre-COVID.

Nor do I equate my situation to someone who is actively trying and not getting pregnant or experiencing losses. My situation is painful but it's more of a slow pain versus an acute, repeated pain of negative pregnancy tests every month or miscarriages. 

[megkat]

This is an interesting question for me, since I’ve been through IF twice, with drastically different situations

First time around- tried for a year with no success. I have PCOS but ovulated regularly. Had an IF work up and DH was diagnosed with severe MFI (several sperm analyses later). His first appointment with the urologist, they said we had a less than 1% of getting pregnant without IVF.

Well, lo and behold, I got pregnant without any intervention. I remember feeling like I was an IF fraud, even though we had tried for a year and gotten such a devastating diagnosis. But having a spontaneous pregnancy made me feel like I was “disqualified” from the IF community somehow

Attempt #2, we did seven IUI’s and they all failed. We couldn’t afford IVF, so we threw in the towel at that point and our OAD. I actually feel more like I belong now, because I had an IF journey that DIDN’T end in a pregnancy

[red]

I guess my personal definition has been not able to conceive after 1 year. RPL is a different situation that is also hell. TW: I’m a pretty far extreme of IF since it was 9 years and 3 IVFs but we were ultimately successful. Trying for our second I still consider us IF even though we have only been trying naturally since August and will be doing an FET since it didn’t just happen as so many told us it would after we had a baby (eyeroll).

[red]

Also, off topic, but for some reason when we started trying I anticipated we would have issues despite no medical reason we would. Self fulfilling prophecy? Not sure why I thought that when my mother had 4 without issue.

[Jalapeñomel]

Feb 15, 2021 20:54:03 GMT -5 red said:

Also, off topic, but for some reason when we started trying I anticipated we would have issues despite no medical reason we would. Self fulfilling prophecy? Not sure why I thought that when my mother had 4 without issue.

I think this is pretty common, at least being on a chat board it seems common.

Feb 15, 2021 18:35:57 GMT -5 sakoro said:

Feb 14, 2021 15:24:27 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

I think I hold pretty true to the medical definition of a year trying (or 6 months over 35) or some other known issue that would actually impact conception (not just a doctor told you that you had PCOS when you were a teen and it would be “hard” to have kids but like, you have no sperm or diagnosed POF.)

I also think social infertility (same sex couple or single) is very very valid and also a form of infertility but it is also very not similar in a lot of ways to medical infertility, especially emotionally. I feel like I get to say that since I’ve been on both sides of it. 😂

To me infertility doesn’t necessarily mean you need intervention to conceive, and sustained RPL over a period of time, even if conception is not difficult, definitely counts.

It seems like we need more descriptors/ definitions of infertility. Typically I would think of infertility as TTC for a while [6 months to a year maybe] without getting pregnant and/or experiencing a pregnancy loss.

I guess I would fit into the social infertility bucket,

I hadn’t thought about this. I know several women who really wanted children but didn’t find the right partner. And, with one, she found a partner who had a stepchild and wasn’t interested in having more children. She’s happy with her decision now, but I know it was a painful process for her, as it certainly wasn’t what she thought she wanted for so long.

[thedutchgirl]

I guess I don't have a strict definition. I think aside from the traditional medical definition, I'm not going to get into a suffering Olympics with someone and say she or a couple aren't infertile if they feel like they are.

For me, I learned before a year that my tubes are blocked and my egg count is low. I consider that infertility, and it certainly feels like we are infertile now.

Interestingly enough, I assumed due to my otherwise good health and the fact that I have aged well that we wouldn't have trouble getting pregnant. I was wrong.

[icedcoffee]

I remember at some point in my journey getting jealous of infertile people who were less infertile than we were and that was a very low point for me. Like I'd get jealous of people who had shitty sperm and needed IVF because AT LEAST they HAD some sperm and we had a tube full of air to do IVF with.

Infertility is such a mindfuck.

[seeyalater52]

Feb 16, 2021 13:19:07 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I remember at some point in my journey getting jealous of infertile people who were less infertile than we were and that was a very low point for me. Like I'd get jealous of people who had shitty sperm and needed IVF because AT LEAST they HAD some sperm and we had a tube full of air to do IVF with.

Infertility is such a mindfuck.

So relatable.

My mom to this day when she heard about friends of ours who conceived with IVF asks me if they went through “what we went through” and almost every time I have to be like no mom, hardly anyone my age needs SIX fucking embryo transfers for one live birth.

But yeah... it’s not rational. I’m not sure when or whether I will get over it.

[seeyalater52]

Feb 15, 2021 20:54:03 GMT -5 red said:

Also, off topic, but for some reason when we started trying I anticipated we would have issues despite no medical reason we would. Self fulfilling prophecy? Not sure why I thought that when my mother had 4 without issue.

I think this is a common fear but ends up being confirmation bias with those of us that end up with IF. I know dozens of people who “just knew” it would be hard for them and most of them conceived easily and has their families the size and timing they desired.

[Mushe]

This is all so relatable and has me struggling for words to explain. Thanks to everyone for sharing!

For me, when I was in the thick of it and someone would say something like, ‘THEY don’t know what WE’VE been through,’ it inevitably sent me into a Pain Olympics shame spiral. I had one friend in particular who “only” needed progesterone to sustain healthy, spontaneous pregnancies, who tried to relate to me a lot, and it was the opposite of reassuring.

I’m sending our TTTC community lots of love. I probably check in here too often, for someone not TTC!

[scm1011]

Interesting conversation and hugs to everyone. It took almost 3 years of trying + IVF for us to get DS, but I often feel like a TTTC fraud because we were so fortunate to conceive with our 1st transfer (DS) and then again with our first FET (DD). But those years of trying definitely took a toll on me emotionally, our marriage, and essentially killed our sex life forever. I still feel like one of the lucky ones, because so many have had much harder journeys.

[pickel]

This is such an interesting discussion, great question. I think for me, inability to get and stay pregnant and/or a need for medical intervention to have a successful pregnancy would define infertility. My first was a TTC cycle 2 baby but then my twins took 2.5 years of trying and donor eggs. I had a hard time relating to many people, especially those in my infertility group that were struggling with their first. I’m sure I sounded like a real jerk, crying over my secondary infertility when I had one child, but the inability to get pregnant and the associated pain was real. I still consider it the hardest time period I have ever been through.

[Jalapeñomel]

Feb 17, 2021 12:41:45 GMT -5 pickel said:

This is such an interesting discussion, great question. I think for me, inability to get and stay pregnant and/or a need for medical intervention to have a successful pregnancy would define infertility. My first was a TTC cycle 2 baby but then my twins took 2.5 years of trying and donor eggs. I had a hard time relating to many people, especially those in my infertility group that were struggling with their first. I’m sure I sounded like a real jerk, crying over my secondary infertility when I had one child, but the inability to get pregnant and the associated pain was real. I still consider it the hardest time period I have ever been through.

Secondary infertility is definitely a strange beast.

I tried for years for my first, and we had decided no medical intervention when I got and stayed pregnant. I was so upset during those years at people who had secondary infertility, and I harbor regret for that now.

[kershnic]

I clicked on this board by accident today.... infertility is not something I spend much time thinking about anymore, although it used to consume me. At times I've hesitated to identify as having infertility because of the fact that I never tried having sex with a man to get pregnant. But it took two years of constant infertility treatment, including one IUI early miscarriage, one IVF early miscarriage, and the need for a second egg retrieval. Clearly my reproductive organs were not doing what they were supposed to be doing.

I've generally defaulted mostly to the medical definition that seeyalater mentioned, but I actually really like the definition “when your ability to obtain or maintain pregnancy had kept/keeps your family from looking how you would like it to.” And yet, almost 8 years past that IVF #2 I'm at peace with how my family looks...so does that make me no longer infertile? Who knows.

[Jalapeñomel]

Feb 19, 2021 21:31:55 GMT -5 kershnic said:

I clicked on this board by accident today.... infertility is not something I spend much time thinking about anymore, although it used to consume me. At times I've hesitated to identify as having infertility because of the fact that I never tried having sex with a man to get pregnant. But it took two years of constant infertility treatment, including one IUI early miscarriage, one IVF early miscarriage, and the need for a second egg retrieval. Clearly my reproductive organs were not doing what they were supposed to be doing.

I've generally defaulted mostly to the medical definition that seeyalater mentioned, but I actually really like the definition “when your ability to obtain or maintain pregnancy had kept/keeps your family from looking how you would like it to.” And yet, almost 8 years past that IVF #2 I'm at peace with how my family looks...so does that make me no longer infertile? Who knows.

Can you be over infertility? Like will I ever be ok with the “journey” (ugh stupid word for this process) and how it all turns out, even if we do end up successful?

These are good questions!

[kershnic]

Feb 20, 2021 16:54:00 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Feb 19, 2021 21:31:55 GMT -5 kershnic said:

I clicked on this board by accident today.... infertility is not something I spend much time thinking about anymore, although it used to consume me. At times I've hesitated to identify as having infertility because of the fact that I never tried having sex with a man to get pregnant. But it took two years of constant infertility treatment, including one IUI early miscarriage, one IVF early miscarriage, and the need for a second egg retrieval. Clearly my reproductive organs were not doing what they were supposed to be doing.

I've generally defaulted mostly to the medical definition that seeyalater mentioned, but I actually really like the definition “when your ability to obtain or maintain pregnancy had kept/keeps your family from looking how you would like it to.” And yet, almost 8 years past that IVF #2 I'm at peace with how my family looks...so does that make me no longer infertile? Who knows.

Can you be over infertility? Like will I ever be ok with the “journey” (ugh stupid word for this process) and how it all turns out, even if we do end up successful?

These are good questions!

I don’t know. I hope so. For me it still stings at times... sometimes when I hear about someone getting pregnant on the first try, or other things like that. But the intensity of the bitterness is gone. But I’m seven years out, and we ended up with the number of kids we thought we wanted, just not the timing or the interval. Having them two years later was actually better for us for a few different financial/career reasons, and we were young so the years didn’t matter as much. But obviously two years of terror and heartbreak (and spending a fortune) was not the path we wanted, and has left its own scars. We also really really did not want twins.... but there have been good things about twins too, and it’s not so hard now that they’re older. We also grieved that my wife did not get a chance to be pregnant, which is a whole other therapy session.

I hope you can find something like this peace too, with or without another baby. You have an amazing son, and would be amazing parents to a second. Secondary infertility is its own beast and I’m sure the pain is deep.

[aprilsails]

I don’t belong on this board but saw this post and was drawn in by this question.

Jalapeñomel I don’t think you ever fully get over infertility. My parents had three children and we are all grown up but I know that some of the struggles they went through left an open wound. They had less difficulty getting pregnant but terrible issues with pregnancy loss and the grief is still very real for them. My ‘honorary aunt’ never conceived, and she has talked bitterly about her struggles. My family is very open book, which I like because it breaks down some of the stigma.

I agree that anyone who struggled to achieve the family shape and size that they wanted went through infertility.

[megkat]

Feb 20, 2021 16:54:00 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Feb 19, 2021 21:31:55 GMT -5 kershnic said:

I clicked on this board by accident today.... infertility is not something I spend much time thinking about anymore, although it used to consume me. At times I've hesitated to identify as having infertility because of the fact that I never tried having sex with a man to get pregnant. But it took two years of constant infertility treatment, including one IUI early miscarriage, one IVF early miscarriage, and the need for a second egg retrieval. Clearly my reproductive organs were not doing what they were supposed to be doing.

I've generally defaulted mostly to the medical definition that seeyalater mentioned, but I actually really like the definition “when your ability to obtain or maintain pregnancy had kept/keeps your family from looking how you would like it to.” And yet, almost 8 years past that IVF #2 I'm at peace with how my family looks...so does that make me no longer infertile? Who knows.

Can you be over infertility? Like will I ever be ok with the “journey” (ugh stupid word for this process) and how it all turns out, even if we do end up successful?

These are good questions!

For me, I wouldn’t say I’m “over” my infertility-but I’ve mostly made my peace with it. It does still sting- pregnancy announcements are tough. Watching my daughters friends with their siblings is tough, knowing that she’ll never get to have that experience. But I’ve also come to love having an only child, and the relationship that DH and I have with her as an only. I have my good days and bad, but my infertility no longer consumes me

[Jalapeñomel]

Feb 22, 2021 14:09:51 GMT -5 aprilsails said:

I don’t belong on this board but saw this post and was drawn in by this question.

Jalapeñomel I don’t think you ever fully get over infertility. My parents had three children and we are all grown up but I know that some of the struggles they went through left an open wound. They had less difficulty getting pregnant but terrible issues with pregnancy loss and the grief is still very real for them. My ‘honorary aunt’ never conceived, and she has talked bitterly about her struggles. My family is very open book, which I like because it breaks down some of the stigma.

I agree that anyone who struggled to achieve the family shape and size that they wanted went through infertility.

My MIL has hinted about her struggles and likely the reason why she helped us. My FIL had a vasectomy before her (he’s 17 years older than her), and although they reversed it, she never had a second. DH’s family never talk about anything, so she’s only hinted at it, but this is the gist I get.

I hope we all do move on from the bitterness of IF. I look forward to this day.

[seeyalater52]

I cant imagine ever being “over” infertility, and loss especially. Maybe it’s that we went through it for what felt like a really long time (I know many people have lived it longer) and had an unusually high number of losses prior to a live birth, but it hurt so much and that hurt is still there. It doesn’t consume me like it did before J, but it’s still there. I feel... traumatized? That’s the best word I can think of to describe it. Scarred. I’m definitely not the same person I was before it, and it has shaped me in some ways that I think will be with me for the long-term. I’m not sure how I will feel in a few years. Hopefully better than I do now.

[loira]

It might not have fit the medical definition of IF, but I know that I was welcomed onto this board after 2 traumatic losses, and I will never forget the kindness of this community.

I don't know if you ever "get over" infertility and/or loss. It's still a part of my life. Maybe not a large part anymore but it's a big reason we are OAD. It pops up as anxiety in my parenting, or my instant reaction to a pregnancy announcement. I still don't like hearing about people's easy pregnancies. I don't want them to have a hard pregnancy but some part of me will always think it unfair that I struggled SO much - to stay pregnant, to have a healthy baby. My SIL is having her 6th baby. 6th. And I know she's never had a miscarriage that she knows of. I don't want 6 kids, but I have been pregnant 6 times and have 1 child. I can't help but think "oh, so I'd have to be pregnant 36 times to achieve that".