Talking to Kids About Cancer

[dottyblue]

I need to crowd source this and I value any input.

My boys are 5 and 8. I am 40 and was diagnosed with a non-aggressive breast cancer that will require surgery and probably minimal radiation. Waiting on more testing results to determine if further action will be required (chemo, mastectomy, etc) and timing.

I’m too overwhelmed to decide right now how to present this to my boys. DH insists they should be told. I agree to a point but want to make sure we message it properly so we don’t scare them to death.

Any resources or experiences for how to talk with my young kids about this? TIA.

[ssmjlm]

dottyblue, I am sorry. I'm not sure how much response you'll get on H&G though. You may want to try posting on MMMoms.

[af1212]

Feb 17, 2021 15:10:31 GMT -5 dottyblue said:

I need to crowd source this and I value any input.

My boys are 5 and 8. I am 40 and was diagnosed with a non-aggressive breast cancer that will require surgery and probably minimal radiation. Waiting on more testing results to determine if further action will be required (chemo, mastectomy, etc) and timing.

I’m too overwhelmed to decide right now how to present this to my boys. DH insists they should be told. I agree to a point but want to make sure we message it properly so we don’t scare them to death.

Any resources or experiences for how to talk with my young kids about this? TIA.

I’m so sorry. I know there are lots of books about this in my library’s “family conversations” section. I also wonder if there is a social worker at your treatment center who can help?

I agree that you may get more responses on a other board as well.

[dottyblue]

Feb 17, 2021 16:09:44 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

dottyblue, I am sorry. I'm not sure how much response you'll get on H&G though. You may want to try posting on MMMoms.

Ha. I meant to post this on MM moms. I’ll cross post it.

[dr.girlfriend]

As someone who works with kids in a medical setting, I would just encourage being as honest as you are comfortable being, because if you aren't, kids will fill in the gaps with their own imaginings that are often 100 times worse than the actual situation.

I think if it is really above their conceptual level they won't understand it to begin with, but for the most part saying something like, "I have some cells in my body that are growing that are bad, and so we have to treat that. Sometimes the treatments may be scary or make me feel really sick but they are important because once the treatment is over I'm going to feel a lot better. I know cancer is a scary word but there are all different kinds and the doctors are very confident that if I get treatment I'm going to be okay but if you have any questions or if you're scared about anything I want you to know you can talk to me or your dad."

Otherwise, they are going to know of someone who had cancer and died, and immediately make that connection, and be in danger of keeping those fears to themselves. I think people underestimate the degree to which kids really are thinking deeply about things and just not bringing those concerns up because they are embarrassed or think it is causing trouble or stress to their family to discuss or feel that it makes things more "real" to say them out loud.

It was a degree removed from our immediate family but my son was about 8 when my brother-in-law was undergoing cancer treatments, and we actually had some pretty in-depth conversations about why side effects of chemo are also the things that makes it most effective, etc.  Similarly, when my BIL was undergoing treatment, my sister really avoided having some difficult conversations with her husband about what he really wanted.  I gave her similar advice and in retrospect that she was very thankful she had those conversations because it allowed her to be confident she was making the right decisions later.  I think people regret the conversations they never had more than any conversations they have.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and my best wishes for a smooth course of treatment and swift and complete recovery.

[Roc A Bee]

My mom was diagnosed around 12. They told us the bare minimum and didn’t use the word cancer. I would not recommend that. Someone else asked how my mom’s cancer was, and that’s when I realized what was happening.

My mom ended up being very sick and later dying, so a much different situation, but not knowing what was happening was very hard.

Good luck to you and I wish you a speedy recovery!