Is it as bad as cheating?

[stephbfan]

My friend`s friend (we will call her I) got married about 3 years ago. Her husband told her that he had some debt that he needed to pay. He had a GF and he paid her tuition. She dumped him as soon as she graduated.

I`s husband just confessed to her last month that the debt is way bigger than what he initially told her and that he could not keep up with the payments. They had to sell the house to get whatever they had put on it and also had to sell their car. They still have at least 40% of the debt to pay.

I told my friend that in my mind it is even worse than cheating because he has been lying for so long and because it affected their financial situation for it. She says that she is hurt but its just money that they can recover eventually.

WDYT?

[wrathofkuus]

OMG.

Rationally I know it isn't worse than cheating, but the mere thought is making me want to punch my fist through this monitor. I might eventually forgive someone for cheating on me a few years or so after we split up, but this? This would have me spitting on his grave 50 years from now.

[theycallmeliz]

I think it would be more of a betrayal if he had accumulated the debt while they were together. Needless to say, he lied nonetheless and i would be hard to trust him (especially with the finances) after that. But to each their own. . .

[doriswe]

lying and cheating both = deceiptfulness. Which is worse, I can't say.

The fuck if my ass would be helping get his ass out of that financial mess.

[stephbfan]

May 18, 2012 14:41:35 GMT -5 theycallmeliz said:

I think it would be more of a betrayal if he had accumulated the debt while they were together. Needless to say, he lied nonetheless and i would be hard to trust him (especially with the finances) after that. But to each their own. . .

She started the relationship and decided to marry him knowing that he had this debt. She just didn't know that it was a big as it it. It was like she thought, he owed around $30K and the debt is closer to $110K so it was a ridiculous amount.
He has a great salary so I'm guessing he thought he could just hide it and pay it off without her noticing. Once he realized that he wouldn't be able to keep up, he decided to fess up and tell her everything.

[theycallmeliz]

Yeah, thats pretty bad....

[starburst604]

And this is why if I ever marry we will be having a sit down and looking at each other's credit reports beforehand.

[farfalla2011]

I agree that this sucks...majorly. However, although he didn't give the original amount up front, he did confess the debt. I don't think you can even come close to comparing this to cheating.

What I'm curious about is did she ever ask how much it was? Depending on that answer I may have a different opinion. If he actually said - oh its about 30K when it was 100K+, that is deception, if she didn't ask and just didn't mention it...well, she's a bit dumb.

I don't think everyone in a marriage needs to combined finances, but there should be some sort of full-disclosure before making a commitment to marriage. I mean, regardless who's responsibility certain items are, debts will affect the lifestyle of the partnership. As does income, spending habits, etc.

[Deleted]

I think she is an asshole for believing that!

[doriswe]

I think I misread this....he had the g/f, they broke up and he married your friend or he married your friend and still had the g/f he was paying tuition for? (I read it the 2nd way)

[stephbfan]

Oh and this is my reason for thinking this is worse (ceteris paribus).

Husband cheats, I dumped him and walk away with all my money.
or
Husband husband lies, I dump him and walk away with no money because we had to sold the house and my car that I made payments on.

On the moral level both of them are the same but the aftermath is worse in the second case.

[BookLover]

He's been living a lie. He's being deceitful, which breaks any kind of trust. He should be hard pressed to earn that kind of trust back. I would divorce him if I was your friend and try to save my own credit.

[stephbfan]

May 18, 2012 15:02:50 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I think I misread this....he had the g/f, they broke up and he married your friend or he married your friend and still had the g/f he was paying tuition for? (I read it the 2nd way)

No, he had the GF that he paid tuition for. She dumped him and years later married my friend`s friend.

He lied to her about the debt. She did ask him and he told her an amount and it turned out it was way more than that

[doriswe]

May 18, 2012 15:05:13 GMT -5 stephbfan said:

May 18, 2012 15:02:50 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I think I misread this....he had the g/f, they broke up and he married your friend or he married your friend and still had the g/f he was paying tuition for? (I read it the 2nd way)

No, he had the GF that he paid tuition for. She dumped him and years later married my friend`s friend.

He lied to her about the debt. She did ask him and he told her an amount and it turned out it was way more than that

Okay....that makes more sense...so I take back my "fuck" in the original response!

It's still lying and put your friend in a horrible position. If he lied about that, what else is he lying about (or omitting or just not being totally upfront about) kwim?

I also feel bad saying bad words with that cute little lady staring at me!

[missbetty1]

May 18, 2012 15:00:25 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

And this is why if I ever marry we will be having a sit down and looking at each other's credit reports beforehand.

:Y:

[theycallmeliz]

May 18, 2012 15:08:32 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I also feel bad saying bad words with that cute little lady staring at me!

Don't worry. I think that cute little lady is judging you...

[prettyinpearls]

I don't think you can really compare cheating to lying about debt...but, neither of them is a good thing. They both involve lying and deception. Ok, so I guess you can compare the two, but you know what I mean.

If i was in her position, I would demand that we sit down with a financial advisor and figure out the best route to take to pay of the debt as quickly as we could. I would also want to be 100% in charge of the finances. This way, there's no chance of him lying about where money goes.

[stephbfan]

May 18, 2012 15:16:52 GMT -5 theycallmeliz said:

May 18, 2012 15:08:32 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I also feel bad saying bad words with that cute little lady staring at me!

Don't worry. I think that cute little lady is judging you...

Oh, you can be sure she is judging you.

[jm5855]

I am all sorts of turned around here....the 110K is his old girlfriends college tuition debt? So the debt was taken out in his name?

[stephbfan]

May 18, 2012 15:31:27 GMT -5 jm5855 said:

I am all sorts of turned around here....the 110K is his old girlfriends college tuition debt? So the debt was taken out in his name?

He took out a loan to pay for her college tuition and more shit.

[wrathofkuus]

He took out a loan?! Why didn't SHE take out... you know, never mind. I think that your friend was dumb not to break up with the guy when he told her about this debt in the first place.

I know neither of these people, and I'm getting all irate just thinking about this. Maybe I need to poop.

[heavenly]

If he was not honest with how much debt he had at the begining of the marriage, then he wasn't putting truth in his marriage from the start. This is an unfortunate situation because she had to deal the consequences of selling their home and car. I would feel very betrayed and angry. I can't compare it to cheating because I feel they are two separate issues but both are very bad. Now if he had both lied about the finance and cheated...I'd be gone that moment I find out.

[stephbfan]

May 18, 2012 15:44:58 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

He took out a loan?! Why didn't SHE take out... you know, never mind. I think that your friend was dumb not to break up with the guy when he told her about this debt in the first place.

I know neither of these people, and I'm getting all irate just thinking about this. Maybe I need to poop.

That is the issue. HE took the loan. The ex walked out with zero debt and a college diploma while he and his wife have to pay for all the loan.

[jm5855]

May 18, 2012 15:44:58 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

He took out a loan?! Why didn't SHE take out... you know, never mind. I think that your friend was dumb not to break up with the guy when he told her about this debt in the first place.

I know neither of these people, and I'm getting all irate just thinking about this. Maybe I need to poop.

Exactly what I was trying to get at. I am getting all bent out of shape over this. At first I was wanting to hunt down the ex girlfriend for being so manipulative, but now I am focused on how big of a schmuck this guy is for allowing this to happen. What kind of clown takes on 110K debt for a freaking college girlfriend?? My god.

[trafficgirl]

I know I barely respond on this board, but this is some shit, dude. I'm with Kuus, getting all irate. This could also be because my XH said he was going to take out a bit of money to invest in the stock market, and instead of the appx $3-4K I thought he was going to take out, he took closer to $20K. And then claimed I okay'd that. Fucking numbnuts.

As far as if it's as bad as cheating, I'm not sure. I certainly couldn't forgive cheating, and I'm honestly not sure I could forgive that big of a financial deception.

In the case w/ my XH, it was just one more thing on top of all the other pile of dung that caused me to leave him.

[heavenly]

May 18, 2012 15:54:55 GMT -5 jm5855 said:

May 18, 2012 15:44:58 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

He took out a loan?! Why didn't SHE take out... you know, never mind. I think that your friend was dumb not to break up with the guy when he told her about this debt in the first place.

I know neither of these people, and I'm getting all irate just thinking about this. Maybe I need to poop.

Exactly what I was trying to get at. I am getting all bent out of shape over this. At first I was wanting to hunt down the ex girlfriend for being so manipulative, but now I am focused on how big of a schmuck this guy is for allowing this to happen. What kind of clown takes on 110K debt for a freaking college girlfriend?? My god.

This does not make it any better but this is probably why he was not honest with his wife in the beginning because he knows he was such a big schmuck.

[jdbyogi]

My XH totally lied about how much debt he had before we married. I knew his credit score, which was very good, but he was deceitful about how much he owed, which was a lot (not 100K lot, but still). And he also cheated. The cheating was way worse to me. But I guess it was a pattern of him being a lying liar who lies.

I was super mad when I found out, and if we had to sell things because of his debt, I would be livid. I would be concerned about his overall truthfulness if he had been lying about something this big for so long.

[farfalla2011]

May 18, 2012 15:05:13 GMT -5 stephbfan said:

May 18, 2012 15:02:50 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I think I misread this....he had the g/f, they broke up and he married your friend or he married your friend and still had the g/f he was paying tuition for? (I read it the 2nd way)

No, he had the GF that he paid tuition for. She dumped him and years later married my friend`s friend.

He lied to her about the debt. She did ask him and he told her an amount and it turned out it was way more than that

OK, so after reading the bolded part, I shouldn't be so harsh on her...

I do still think there needs to be full disclosure of all things financial before deciding to get married - including a review of credit reports as mentioned by Starburst.

And...I'm with Kuus...she should have run for the hills the second she found out he took any significant loan out for a girlfriend. That just shows he has very little money management sense.

I still don't think its comparable to cheating though, although very deceitful. Its more a learning experience. This would have been 100% preventable if they would have truly looked at finances pre-marriage with credit reports. Cheating on the other hand can blindside you with no warning.

[bowies]

The straw that broke my back was my XH's financial infidelity. That's what caused me to file for divorce and take him to the cleaners. The reason was because it was so methodical. Maybe I could have written off the sexual infidelity because he got swept up in it, but this? This was a long-running, rational-mind decision. That's what made it so unforgivable. (To be clear, his affair was also unforgivable, but it didn't cause the same blinding fury as fucking with my credit score.)

Needless to say, I'd be out of there if my H's lies (blatant ones at that) caused me to lose my house and car. I couldn't love someone who had such a deceptive nature. And who was a raging dumbass to boot.

[BookLover]

May 18, 2012 15:48:35 GMT -5 stephbfan said:

May 18, 2012 15:44:58 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

He took out a loan?! Why didn't SHE take out... you know, never mind. I think that your friend was dumb not to break up with the guy when he told her about this debt in the first place.

I know neither of these people, and I'm getting all irate just thinking about this. Maybe I need to poop.

That is the issue. HE took the loan. The ex walked out with zero debt and a college diploma while he and his wife have to pay for all the loan.

Ok, dude needs to take his ex to small claims court and sue for the money to pay for the remaining debt. Did he have any paper work that she signed during all of this?