Should we move? I don't like changes.

[applecrispy]

Background: DH and I live 20 minutes away from the original hometown we both grew up in.  Neither DH nor I are fans of change. We shy away from big life decisions because we are both wafflers and never can make a decision.  I research things to death and then get scared we're going to make the wrong decision so we usually don't go through with it. I haven't seen any of my family since December 2019 since they live 5+ hours away in another State. We had been planning a trip to see them when the Pandemic hit. DH and I had always said "in the future" we would move down closer to my parents/brother/SIL/nephew. But that future was always 5-10 years away. We've brought it up a couple of times in the past and we've always quashed it (it would be too hard to move our elderly cats, too hard to find new jobs, we always came up with a reason). Now both DH and I are working remote 100% and will continue to do so even after things open up. (I had talked to HR and asked about moving since we already have remote workers and they are 100% on board, DH's local office is not reopening again ever). We don't have children and although DH's family lives 20 minutes away, he really doesn't interact with them a lot (we do visit sometimes on holidays, etc) but DH has said he would rather live by my family and drive up to see his own. 

I'm feeling overwhelmed by this decision. We've lived in our current house for 12 years, I've never lived outside upstate NY and moving out of State makes me feel queasy with all the things we would have to change (the actualy logistics of moving, banks, doctors, selling/buying a house, moving with our 4 cats, trying to figure out taxes, etc). I absolutely love the area we live in- people plan vacations to the Fingerlakes Wine Region and we're close to everything we want.

DH seems pretty gung ho about it and said if things don't work out we can always move again. I think I like the idea of actually being down there but thinking about being in a new area that I'm not familiar with makes me sick to my stomach. We are currently living in our "starter home". It's not anything amazing but it's what we could afford 12 years ago. I would love a newer house with certain things on the property that we can afford now. Neither DH nor I like winter. I hate being cold, I hate the snow and I'm an avid gardener and would love a slightly longer growing season. 

My other hesitation is- is this feeling just because of being cooped up in the pandemic or is it a combination of that and a mid-life crisis for me? I'm turning 36 and 40 is looming. One of my coworkers who was the exact same age as I passed away recently and that freaked me out as well. You aren't guaranteed tomorrow- could I really say I was happy living here for the rest of my life if I don't change something? 

DH also thinks it's a good time to move because we're young and DIY handy so we can do a lot of work to fixing things up in a different house ourselves. I did talk to my parents/brother/SIL last night and said we were casually looking and they all got ridiculously excited. Which I love that they miss me but also puts more pressure on myself to decide whether or not DH/I really want to do this. 


TL/DR: So I guess I would like advice and your (positive or negative) experience of moving away from an area you loved to a State you aren't super familiar with. 

[cricketwife]

I’m trying to figure out where you can go within 5 hrs of upstate NY that’s going to get you out of the cold, but do it! This moves sounds great for you. And your H is right, if you don’t like it, you can move back. I would consider renting in the new area at first while you figure out exactly what area you’d like to buy a house in. You don’t want to be 80 and realize you never left your hometown because you were scared. And being near family (which it sounds like you like and want to be near) will likely increase your enjoyment of the area.

[wanderingback]

I’ve moved a lot, so I can’t exactly relate.
However, reading the last part, so you’re saying you love where you live now and are only considering moving to be closer to family?

If so, then to me personally I wouldn’t do it.
To me family is super important, but also loving where I live is too.
I lived overseas for 2 years and I’d do it again. Right now most of my family lives a several hour drive away. Sure it’d be nice to live closer and especially during the pandemic I was like it’d be nice if I could just pop by my mom’s house and go for a walk. But nope, unless something drastic happens, I won’t be moving near my parents ever.

But that’s just me. If living near family is super important to you then I agree with your H that you can always move again if you don’t like it. If you’re so anxious that you’re sick to your stomach talking to a therapist might help to figure out why you feel that way and next best steps.

[dcn]

I’d totally move. I’m from that area in New York originally. It’s beautiful and a great place to live. There are lots of other beautiful and great places to live too!

My H is in the military so we move a lot and you aren’t wrong - it’s stressful and scary and frustrating. But I have learned and experienced so much by living in different places. We’ve seen lots of different places, we even lived in Alaska.

Your H is right, if you hate it you can always move back. I’d rent for 6 months or a year to figure out where you want to be and if you do want to move it’s easier. Also you don’t have to find jobs? That makes it easy!

[tacokick]

Where do your family live? I’m not sure if only 5 hrs away from upstate NY is going let you avoid snow and do more gardening.

Honestly, it sounds like you really like where you live now. Would you really want to live closer to family? It would be a huge change to the dynamic. Are they the type that would want you to visit or get together all the time? Do you want that? Do you want potentially more hands on involvement in your parents lives?

If it was me, I’d probably stay put and either move locally or prioritize fixing your house up to your dream and/or travel to get out a bit.

If you can both work remotely you could even rent a house somewhere warmer in the winter for a month. Or stay with (or near) your parents for a month and work from there, even just as a trial run before selling your house.

Maybe I’m too cautious but you do seem happy where you are and it would suck to move closer to family and have that really drive you bananas or have a lot of regret moving from a place you seem to love. Or maybe you’d want to move but not near them.

[inpectore]

Change can be scary and hard, but it can also be really exciting and bring great new experiences and adventures. I've made several moves to new states, moving to places that I wasn't familiar with. And while finding new doctors and sorting out banks can take a little effort, it's generally not a big deal (I can understand it would be much harder if you have specific medical needs). For me, the hardest part was making new friends and becoming part of a new community, not so much the logistical part. Having family nearby would make everything much easier because they can offer recommendations and help you meet people.

You said that you love the area where you live now, would the things you love about it be available near your family too? Once you are able to go visit your family again can you do a "relocation tour" and take a look at the area to scout out where you might want to do your banking, where you could continue to do your hobbies, visit the garden store, the grocery store... places that would be important for you to feel like were familiar once you moved? See what kinds of houses are available in your price range? Could you rent first?

Many years ago, my husband and I took a home buying class and were given a sheet of home features with varying "costs" and a pile of jellybeans. We had to decide which features we were willing to spend our jellybeans on and there wasn't enough to have it all. The concept of not getting everything we wanted was nothing new but moving around the jellybeans and negotiating our highest priorities in that very visual way really helped us think about what mattered the very most. When you think about the value of being closer to family, moving to a warmer climate, keeping your current doctors, the unique things about your current area, how much weight do you assign each thing and where would you put your jellybeans?

Our families would be ridiculously excited if we moved closer to them, and they ask us to do so all the time. But don't do it to make them happy, make sure it would make you happy.

Good luck with your decision!

[lilypad1126]

If I was interested in living in the area my family lived in and could afford it, I'd do it. But I can't tell from your post where you are considering moving to and if you actually like that area.

We are moving halfway across the country this summer for my job. It'll be our 4th big move in the last 15 years. We are pretty adventurous so this is something we are excited about. But when I was looking for a new job, I purposely looked only in areas we'd be interested in moving to. For as much as I like my parents and would like to be a little closer, I have no interest in living in their city so I didn't look there. My parents would like us to be closer, but they understand my decision (and are super excited to come visit us once we get moved).

So, all that to say, if you have no true interest in living in the city your family lives in, then I probably wouldn't do it. But also, your H is right - if you move and don't like, you can move back! Or move somewhere else! You don't have to stay in somewhere just because at one point you thought you'd like it but then come to realize you don't. And sure, all those things you mention can be a hassle, but as someone who's done that a bunch, it's not near as bad as it seems in the abstract. Living in a new area gives you a chance to create new habits, become regulars at new bars/restaurants, find new hobbies or interests. While scary, it can be a lot fun, too!

[wildrice]

I would love to live near my family, but they live in a place that I have no interest in at all. So we don't live near them. It stinks, but I do think it's important to live somewhere you love or at least really like. I can stay close to my family in other ways (phone, regular visits in non-pandemic times) but I can't solve my issues with their weather, their state politics, or their proximity to things I enjoy doing.

That said, I can't tell either if you like where they live, so if you do, I think you'll be fine moving there. Moving from one place you love to another place you love is not a loss in my experience. It's a nice change to do that because you get to do new things and get variety! I was super sad when I moved away from my last state, but it was hard to stay sad once I got to the new state because there were so many cool things to see and do!

The rest of the logistics of moving are a huge hassle, but a temporary one. I would not let that stop you. Make a list and know you don't have to do everything at once (like, I'm still using the bank we used in our old state and we moved almost 3 years ago. I'll eventually change!). Unless you have a lot of medical needs, you can gradually find new doctors and make appointments. Etc. It doesn't all need to be done the day you arrive. I wouldn't want to move out of state frequently or anything, but having lived in 5 states in my life I can also say it's not enough of a hassle that it should be a barrier!

[applecrispy]

cricketwife, tacokick,
Where we live we say Upstate NY to mean anything outside NYC. We don't actually live up North in the Adirondacks, etc. We live about 30 minutes from the PA border and my parents/brother live in Northern VA right over the WV/VA border so it's about 5.5 hours directly South from our driveway to theirs. So it would be a HUGE difference weather wise. They may get a couple of inches snow once a year while we regularly have 2+ feet of snow (we still have snow now) and it's cold up here from November-April.

We were thinking about renting but the hassle of moving twice and trying to find somewhere that would allow 4 cats sounds like my worst nightmare. Since we both work remote we were thinking about staying with my brother/SIL for a couple of weeks to get to know the surrounding areas, etc. Not the same as renting long term but they and my parents have lived down there long enough where they know the areas well.

wanderingback,
We do really love where we live- minus the weather LOL. I love living outside a big college town, all the nature parks, biking, hiking, wineries, the Fall leaf season, all the awesome restaurants, the walkability, etc. It would be really great to live near my parents/brother so that is another added bonus for me. I don't want to live in the same town as my parents/brother. We're looking at 30 minutes to an hour radius around them. (Which includes Southern PA and Maryland as well). Thanks for the recommendation of talking about it in therapy as well- I do have a monthly session and I should really bring it up. (Another reason I don't want to move LOL- I don't want to have to go through the process of finding a great therapist I'm comfortable with). I would love to live closer to my family- our nephew is growing up so fast and we really want to have a better relationship with him. We always thought we would go camping, watch him play sports, etc. with them but we have never been able to just drop by since they live so far away.

If the weather wasn't crappy/dreary here for 5-6 months of the year, then no, I don't think we would be discussing moving. But with the possibility of having great weather + my family living nearby, we wanted to seriously entertain the idea. Nature/being outside is very important to us and we can only enjoy it for half the year where we live now.

We've visited VA numerous times since my parents/brother/SIL have moved. Normally we're just visiting them at their houses or eating at a nearby restaurant so we really haven't explored the surrounding area at all so we should really do that to get a feel for it.

[Velar Fricative]

Ha, upstate NY is the only place I'd leave NYC for because I love winter and being closer to Canada!

Not sure how far upstate you are but I suppose it would be a little warmer 5 hours south, but not *that* much warmer that you could garden so much more. ETA: Just saw your updated post. Somehow I was thinking you were further north but if I'm guessing correctly now, then yes, the 5 hour distance to VA sounds about right.

It sounds like there's nothing keeping you there that would absolutely make it prohibitive for you to move (like a non-remote job). I'm very much someone who is attached to where I grew up so moving out of the area is not an option, but it sounds like you'd like to take that step. The "worst" thing that could happen is you don't like it and decide to move back, and that's not a bad thing at all. At least you'd know it wasn't for you! Or, you may decide you love your new area and you'd never have known if you didn't make the move. Yes, there may be a lot of things you have to figure out logistically, but to me it does sound like you'd want to try it out. Not sure how the rental market is where you are, but maybe rent your house out for your a year and then sell if you end up loving where you are. Or, since you said it's a "starter" home, you may just want to sell now and then use those profits for the new area (but probably still rent in the new area just to make sure you like it) and then bank whatever you have to buy a place, either in the new area or back home. Good luck!

[picaflora]

Since your jobs are remote - could you try renting like an Air B-n-B for a month or so? That might give you a better feel for the area vs staying with family. Also, you don't have to stay in the same town as them if there's an area nearby or even in-between. I wouldn't make a decision right away, but as things open up I would use the remote ability to spend some time in other areas. Maybe you move, and maybe you just make a habit of taking longer trips elsewhere and staying in your current home.

[tacokick]

Apr 2, 2021 8:40:08 GMT -5 applecrispy said:

cricketwife, tacokick,
Where we live we say Upstate NY to mean anything outside NYC. We don't actually live up North in the Adirondacks, etc. We live about 30 minutes from the PA border and my parents/brother live in Northern VA right over the WV/VA border so it's about 5.5 hours directly South from our driveway to theirs. So it would be a HUGE difference weather wise. They may get a couple of inches snow once a year while we regularly have 2+ feet of snow (we still have snow now) and it's cold up here from November-April.

We were thinking about renting but the hassle of moving twice and trying to find somewhere that would allow 4 cats sounds like my worst nightmare. Since we both work remote we were thinking about staying with my brother/SIL for a couple of weeks to get to know the surrounding areas, etc. Not the same as renting long term but they and my parents have lived down there long enough where they know the areas well.

wanderingback,
We do really love where we live- minus the weather LOL. I love living outside a big college town, all the nature parks, biking, hiking, wineries, the Fall leaf season, all the awesome restaurants, the walkability, etc. It would be really great to live near my parents/brother so that is another added bonus for me. I don't want to live in the same town as my parents/brother. We're looking at 30 minutes to an hour radius around them. (Which includes Southern PA and Maryland as well). Thanks for the recommendation of talking about it in therapy as well- I do have a monthly session and I should really bring it up. (Another reason I don't want to move LOL- I don't want to have to go through the process of finding a great therapist I'm comfortable with). I would love to live closer to my family- our nephew is growing up so fast and we really want to have a better relationship with him. We always thought we would go camping, watch him play sports, etc. with them but we have never been able to just drop by since they live so far away.

If the weather wasn't crappy/dreary here for 5-6 months of the year, then no, I don't think we would be discussing moving. But with the possibility of having great weather + my family living nearby, we wanted to seriously entertain the idea. Nature/being outside is very important to us and we can only enjoy it for half the year where we live now.

We've visited VA numerous times since my parents/brother/SIL have moved. Normally we're just visiting them at their houses or eating at a nearby restaurant so we really haven't explored the surrounding area at all so we should really do that to get a feel for it.

Ah! A NYC centered idea of upstate lol My husband is from Staten Island and anything that is not actually NYC is upstate so I get it.

That would be a difference! I will say being in central MD (so about 40 miles from Northern VA) it’s not unusual to get snow in March and we can’t plant until May but we do get a lot less snow than you would. It was also 28° last night. I would not say Nov-to into March is particularly pleasant here so you would probably be dealing with less snow but IMO you won’t be gaining a ton of warm weather or sunshine either.

If it was me, I’d really look into a one month rental down there and try it out. I suggested it up thread and now even more think it would be a good idea. I’ve known a lot of people who moved closer to family and it wasn’t quite how they expected and hoped it would be. You can always move back but that’s another stress and expense I don’t know if I’d want personally.

[goldengirlz]

Apr 2, 2021 9:09:26 GMT -5 picaflora said:

Since your jobs are remote - could you try renting like an Air B-n-B for a month or so? That might give you a better feel for the area vs staying with family. Also, you don't have to stay in the same town as them if there's an area nearby or even in-between. I wouldn't make a decision right away, but as things open up I would use the remote ability to spend some time in other areas. Maybe you move, and maybe you just make a habit of taking longer trips elsewhere and staying in your current home.

Ditto-ing this. Or maybe instead of moving, you could buy a second home closer to your family?

[ssmjlm]

Just a FYI, depending on the area they are in and traffic, being 30 mins away might be conducive to as much getting together as you think.

I agree with PP and maybe look for an AirBnB to do a temp stay and see how you feel.

[Susie]

I have some of the same factors going on that you do, but not all.  I live in upstate NY (cap region now, went to college in the finger lakes region), our house is our "starter" that we bought 12.5 years ago, I don't like the cold weather, I do garden and wish the season were longer, and I don't like change.  However, we differ in that moving out of the area isn't in our foreseeable future.  I am an equity partner in a law firm here, H works for the state and is well over halfway to a pension, his family is centralized here, etc.  

Our family has grown by 2 kids since we bought our 4 bed/1.5 bath house.  My resistance to moving/change had us thinking for the longest time that we would add a master suite over the garage to our existing house, make it a 5 bed/2.5 bath, and live happily ever after in one house.

But then our 2nd kid became a toddler, my dad started talking about moving in with us as he faces some health challenges and general loneliness since my mom died, and we started realizing that our house is not cut out for 4-5 full people.  Our kitchen doesn't seat >4 comfortably.  It doesn't have enough storage for 4+ peoples' worth of food.  No pantry.  Laundry is in the basement.  I don't have a quiet office space to work in.  No 2nd bathroom.  No 2nd car bay in the garage.  No mud room.  The driveway is tight with >2 cars.  And no matter what we do to our house, we still have 0.25 acre with a back neighbor who drives us bananas being loud and obnoxious.  The master suite addition was going to be $$$$, and afterward we'd still have all these down sides to deal with.  

We started house hunting in January, and I have been sad and overwhelmed a few times in the process.  But we are under contract to buy, and I think it's the right move for us.  I think our addition would've cost $100k or so.  Depending on what our house sells for, the delta between sale price and new purchase will be $130-150k most likely.  A more expensive solution, but the new house will address all those problems:  the yard, the peace, the garage, the basement, the laundry, the kitchen, etc.  Long term I think it's right.

Moving will suck.  But so does living through a reno, which I know from doing a gut reno of our only full bath in 2018.  We had to pick one path!  And yeah... 20, 30 years from now, I think I will be happier with the retrospective on the decision to move, rather than to ride it out where we are because it's easy.

[cricketwife]

I grew up in the Poconos and my brother now lives in NYC.  They were recently looking at some houses in “upstate” NY that were commutable to the city and I was like, that’s not upstate, lol. So I understand the different frames of reference.  😂

I can’t really tell from your posts if you want to move or not.  You are hung up on the little nuisances that come with moving, all of which are surmountable.  And it sounds like with a move from your current home, even in the same area, you would face a lot of the hassles of a bigger move anyway.  It sounds like you H really wants to move.  I think if my H really wanted to move and I kinda wanted to move or was neutral, I’d go for it.  If you don’t want to leave your current location, that’s different.  I think it’s important to consider what the other partner wants as well.  If he is really hung-ho, as you say, I think it’s worth considering, especially since he’s willing to move back.  Could you both discuss a time frame.  We’ll give it one year, two years, five years, whatever?

[wildrice]

I live in the DC/Baltimore metro area so similar climate to northern VA. I do think you'll notice a big difference in weather, though I agree that gardening might not be much different. While we do get cold days, I don't think it has been below 0 in the 3 winters I've lived here, or if it has, it's been very brief. Most winter days are in the 40s or maybe high 30s, with overnight lows in the 20s. I had days in December where I sat out on my deck (in long pants and sleeves, but I was comfortable!) and we've already had several days in the 60's and even 70's this year. We do get snow but it's minimal - I shoveled a couple of times this winter, but it was never more than 3-4 inches and most snows are less than that. And it melts quickly - unless we get a really big storm, the snow is usually gone within a couple of days because it is followed by weather above freezing.

That might still sound crappy for people who have always lived here or people from the south, but as a former midwesterner I think it's super mild. I rarely wear my heavy coat, hat, or gloves , unless I'm doing something where I'm outside for a longer period of time. Stuff like commuting, running errands, etc, I am find with just a fleece zip up jacket.

Obviously there may be days/weeks that are outliers and I've only been through 3 winters so it's possible we'll be hit with some much worse ones. But that doesn't seem to be the norm.

On the flip side, summers are HOT and HUMID. I did not expect them to be as gross as they are when I moved here. June is variable, but July and August are often in the 90s and humid. And it's not for just a couple of days at a time... it's weeks or the whole month. In the midwest it gets hot and humid but it is usually broken up by milder days. Not the case here. So be aware of that if you don't like hot weather!

[icedcoffee]

I do think you'll notice a temp change. I grew up in NJ. Went to school in Boston and now live in MD. It's so much warmer in MD. The fall/spring seasons are much longer. Summer is a lot hotter though so....buyer beware. LOL

One thing you should be aware of is that cost of living is much much higher here than what you're used to. It may not be a huge deal if you can live out in the burbs, but You should be prepared for a large increase in costs.

With that said...it's a great area with good cities close by and being near family is a plus!

[dr.girlfriend]

When I was in grad school, I studied an offshoot of social science related to regret. People always regret INACTIONS, not actions. If you don't do it, you'll regret it much more than you'll ever regret doing something. Knowing that early on has helped me make a lot of big decisions. Plus, as someone who has moved states six times in 10 years, it's not that big of a deal to re-establish yourself. I think you are making the cats out to be a bigger factor than they will turn out to be. I definitely feel your pain, though. I'm a planner, which sometimes means I'll just kind of overplan and not act. My husband has been the one to actually set timelines for a lot of things (vacations, building our addition, etc.) and I'm so glad he did. We haven't regretted a single one.

[waverly]

I actually do like your current area and don’t think the winters are that bad because I used to live in MI and NYC area is a lot better for winter.

However, if you want a bigger house near family and like the area better than I would go for it. I would start by looking at houses because inventory has been very low, so I think for me it would depend on if I find a house that I like in an area that I like.

I feel like both area are expensive but perhaps since your place is a starter home it might be more expensive to buy in the area near your family. I agree the winters are not bad there about 40 degrees. July and August are very hot.

[ellipses84]

I’ve moved a lot and don’t like the moving/ reestablishing process but it’s easier when I was transferring/ WFH. I’ve also moved out of state and back twice, one time after bad circumstances and I still don’t even regret that move (life may have been easier without the move but I wouldn’t be in the place I am today without that experience). The moving addresses is only slightly more challenging than if you are moving within your own city / state. You have to find a new house / sell your old one (but could get a short term rental if you need more time), change addresses on everything which can all be done online, purge / pack up all your stuff at one time to move or have a company move, change your license / registration / insurance. It’s short term busy / stress for long term gain. Way more challenging with kids, but not so bad with pets. If your insurance isn’t changing you can research doctors and stuff ahead of time. It sounds like you are already familiar with it from visiting so if you are unsure, you can go stay somewhere short term before selling your house or get a rental for a year or two to make sure you like it. If you buy a house and are upgrading to something you love, I think you’ll enjoy it and being closer to family.

[sadlebred]

I like the idea of getting an AirBnB for a month and seeing how you like it. I think you'd get a better idea staying on your own than with relatives for a few weeks.

[minzy]

I think I’d rent a place for a month, too. We did move far once in good faith, but wound up coming back... both were the right call for us and we do not regret it.

I’m in MD and I can really tell the difference climate wise, even spending lots of time in the middle/southern PA - it’s much more mild here. I can’t tell how much is from being further south versus climate change, but it’s noticeable. And from a gardening perspective, I was picking my own tomatoes in late last November and I’ve already eaten some of my own (winter sown) arugula this week.

[macmars45]

The company my H works for went fully remote as well (office won't reopen). We moved from the Seattle area to my hometown. We'd been in the Seattle area 11 years together, H for a year before that. I have family here, we were able to afford a SFH with a fenced yard, we were able to get closer to 0 footprint via solar panels, composting & our EV and the weather is better (I'm not a fan of rain). Plus the Seattle area is just a few hours drive away for visiting our friends. It has been hard to move during a pandemic. We have no local friends as we've gone no where and done nothing for the 9.5 months we've lived in my hometown. DS(almost 5) has interacted with very few kids.

Moving was hard. It was stressful and anxiety ridden. It was really hard on DS. We moved into a rental for 5 months and then moved again once our SFH was ready. Moving twice in 5 months was not my favorite.

Despite the negatives we are happy with our decision. Once DS can go to school and we can get involved with our community/make friends we'll feel more at home.

ETA: not quite the same thing, but my retired parents snowbird in a warmer state than WA for 3 months every year. They love it. Since you two are both able to WFH maybe you could do something similar only in/near the city your family lives in?

[heygrey]

I grew up on the ny/pa border, within 1-2 hours of all the lakes. I lived in canandaigua on and off during my university years (got married there!) I get the appeal. We love the area and if we ever move back east it’s top of our list. I was picturing central PA, which would not be compelling enough for me to leave, but I’d try northern Virginia. Winters are definitely more mild (no lake effect snow!), you’d be close enough to DC for day trips. I imagine that a lot of the enjoyable CNY things could be found similarly in NoVa. Because your in-laws are still in NY you’ll always have a reason to visit.