How are fellow mourners doing? All are welcome to respond/join. There's no timeline on grief.
I liked this quote from Martha Hickman's book:
"At every point in the human journey we find that we have to let go in order to move forward; and letting go means dying a little. In the process we are being created anew, awakened refreshed to the source of our being." - Kathleen R. Ficsher
Post by simpsongal on Apr 22, 2021 10:21:46 GMT -5
Now that things are opening back up and I'm seeing more people I find myself balancing whether to even mention my dad. Folks generally know, but maybe they forgot he died? It'll be 8 months on the 26th. IDK, the grief and the thoughts of him are with me a lot, but I don't necessarily want to bum people out.
I saw coworkers and went to my office for the first time in a year yesterday. The calendar still said March 2020, and I was cleaning things up and found 3 personal photos, one of which was a law school graduation photo w/me, my mom, and my dad. I was a brand new attorney when I put that photo on the wall. The office was the same, but after this year I certainly felt different.
In the spirit of the quote I posted, I'm still in the process of letting go, but I do look forward to reaching the new normal.
Post by thejackpot on Apr 22, 2021 10:53:07 GMT -5
I've lost both my grandparents in the last two years. I don't think I realized what having no more living grandparents would do to me. I feel a bit untethered- my mom just turned off the phone at their house and it hit me so hard. They were my unapologetic cheerleaders and I miss them so much. I am making her easy, box cake today because I have missed her so much lately.
I have a memorial service at a funeral home scheduled for my parents in a few weeks. It will be small; maybe 15 people in person? There's also a virtual component and I'm expecting dozens of people to attend that way. I'm hoping it helps this constant feeling I have of things feeling unresolved. Not that I expect it will give 100% closure, but at least it will be the next logical step. There will be military honors for my dad at the end, which he would have loved. And I'm writing a speech (?) / eulogy (?) that I'll read during the service. Not sure how I'll get through that one, but I think it's important to honor them both in that way.
There's been a lot of unnecessary drama with soemone in the family and I'm extremely nervous about this person showing up and creating a scene. Hopefully, I'm just exaggerating everything in my head, but it's been on my mind constantly. Once the service is over I don't expect (or want) to ever see this person again.
Sunday will be 5 years since my mom died. I honestly can't believe it.
We're in the process of selling our house and buying another one, and I've had weird feelings about leaving the house where she knew us to live. I know it isn't a reason to stay where we are if it wasn't working for us, but it feels sad.
And the quote really resonates with me. We lost my dad unexpectedly in August of 2017, and I remember being really sad and angry on that New Year's Eve. I was still in the throes of heavy grief and it felt like if the world started a new year that he wasn't alive in, I would somehow be doing him a disservice. I don't know how to explain it, but it sucked. I've since been able to move past that and recognize he (and my mom too) would want me to go on to lead a happy life, even in their absence.
Post by tommygirl03 on Apr 22, 2021 11:27:42 GMT -5
Thanks for this post. I’ve really been struggling the last couple weeks. My mom passed last February, 3 weeks before covid closures, so I was completely blindsided by the word turning upside down. Add in that she lived with my grandmother, who is now almost 90, and it’s been an incredibly hard year.
We just moved my grandmother to independent living and are working to clean out her home - that I grew up in. Everything has fallen to me - paying her bills, worrying about doctor visits, and just being her “person” at this point. It’s...a lot. 2 of my 3 uncles do nothing. absolutely nothing, except criticize or complain.
I have spent the last few weeks wondering when I became “the responsible one”? And why it all falls to me. It’s admittedly self pity, which is not helpful. So many of the adults I looked up to and could ask for advice are gone, and I am really feeling the void of not having an “elder” to run things by, if that makes sense.
Thanks for posting this simpsongal. I have the same feelings of “don’t want to bum anyone out” and “it’s weird to just bring up in passing.”
I have so many unresolved issues surrounding the circumstances of my dad’s passing that I need to work through. Does anyone have a good journal or workbook? I could use structure. I’ve been reading Plan B by Sheryl Sandberg and really liking it.
Susie, I have a similar feeling about “my” house. We were living at my dad’s for the past 2 years and it is being signed over to me, but I don’t want to stay. BF and I were looking to move in together a year ago and had planned to move over the summer before my dads sudden illness and death. I hate being in “his” house this way and want a fresh start, but I’ll be the one to have to go through everything and prepare to list it. I debated keeping it and renting it out but I’m a single mom of 2 with a FT job. I was overwhelmed before I had to drop everything to become his advocate and now estate agent.
Further complicating things is my worthless sack of shit aunt inheriting everything when my dad had 2 kids and 4 grandkids. She’s also the executor of his estate and is 78 and lives out of state. He begged her to come visit for years so that he could go over his estate plan with her, and she never did. Then he got sick suddenly and we begged her to come visit him in the hospital, and she never came. She has been on disability her whole life for mental health issues, never worked, lives in government housing, and now she is set to inherit over six figures and a house. He planned to live a lot longer and had been incredibly smart and frugal. She said she thought there would be nothing left after his debts are settled, which shows me she’s totally unable to understand finances at this level. I’m pissed at her for not coming to see her only living immediate family member but she has also been ok by saying she doesn’t want the house because it’s complicated and she doesn’t want to come down here to deal with it. I want the house, but fuck her because now she left me to go through everything and I am a working single parent of two small children while she has no job or responsibilities besides a dog.
Post by thelurkylulu on Apr 22, 2021 12:03:36 GMT -5
I’m tired. Like I’ve been sleeping like a rock and getting a good amount of sleep at night, but I’m just physically and emotionally exhausted every day. I’ve become the point person for keeping our friends circle up to date on the terminal cancer situation for another friend in our group. I was numb for about two weeks and now I’m crying at least 3 times a day.
I have so many emotions related to the loss of a close family member who passed in December that I haven’t even begun to deal with.
I did go to dinner with a friend last night and it’s the first time I’ve eaten out since Covid. I went back to the gym last week too. Both of those things were helpful for my mental health.
People seem surprised when I honestly answer “How are you” with “still struggling”. Maybe because they forget it was a traumatic/quick illness and death? IDK but it makes me feel more alone.
I have been so isolated I’ve missed out on a lot socially including a friends entire pregnancy so i feel like a shitty friend on top of everything else.
Also we are have stopped all savings because we are paying $1000/month for therapy for Ds1 and myself.
Thanks for posting, this is always helpful, simpsongal. Hugs to all who need them.
May 1 marks a year since my Dad's passing. We didn't have a service at the time - churches and restaurants were closed. We could have only had 5 people at the cemetery. Now we're going to have a funeral, burial, and meal on the one year anniversary. At the time of his passing, I think I was still in shock, and I think having all the closure then would have been easier. Instead, doing this a year later feels so much harder. Making decisions about music and flowers all make me cry, which feels silly a year later. Like I 'should' be over it by now, but it still feels like just yesterday that I was at his bedside.
simpsongal, I hear you about feeling weird bringing it up to people you haven't seen. We're having the funeral, but I feel weird reaching out to friends like, 'Oh hey, I know it's been a year, but we're doing a thing for my Dad if you want to come'. If it had been right after his passing, I know they would have come. But it feels weird specifically reaching out to ASK them to come. My aunt keeps saying lets run his obit in the paper again, with the service information. But she doesn't understand my generation doesn't get the local paper, doesn't check the obits each day. None of my friends will see it. I'm thinking of posting something on FB about having a mass, so I don't have to reach out to certain friends. But that seems weird too. On the other hand, if it was my friend that lost a parent, I would without a doubt go and would feel bad missing it if they didn't tell me. So I know I'm just being silly.
I'm writing a Eulogy. I'm thinking of just printing it and having it in the program for the mass. Because I'm just not capable of saying it all out loud. I'm an only child. My parents are divorced (though I have a step mother that is just barely in the picture), so it's just me. My cousin offered to read the Eulogy, but it feels really inauthentic somehow. My Dad had been sick for a few years and in a nursing home (dementia). Most of my family didn't bother coming to visit and hadn't seen him for years, so I don't want any of them up there talking about my Dad.
I'm really not sure how I'm doing. My mom died at the end of last July, 18 months after her cancer diagnosis, so I had a long period of "pre-grieving" before she actually died. As a result, in some ways the grieving process hasn't been as intense as I anticipated it would be. Then again, I still think about her a LOT, every day, and she is in my dreams more nights than not, and usually like she was at the end, very sick. Those dreams are tough. So I really don't know what my emotional state is - which is not usual for me.
Post by goldengirlz on Apr 22, 2021 13:57:52 GMT -5
I have a great book to recommend!
It’s called Transitions by William Bridges. It’s an old book, from 1980, but still highly relevant. And it’s a short, quick read.
It’s been incredibly useful in helping me to recognize some of the thoughts going through my mind now as symptoms of grief and the larger transition process.
Oh I know - this might be addressed in the Transitions book that you mentioned goldengirlz I'll have to check it out
But anyone having some Deep Thoughts about what's happened to our loved ones now that they're gone?
I've lost loved ones when I was younger, back when I was still a practicing Roman Catholic. So at the time, the thought of heaven and all that jazz was comforting. In recent years, I've separated from church (though am still having a mass for my father because he was Catholic). I don't know that I believe in Heaven. I don't know that the song I hear on the radio or the cardinal I see is some sign from my Dad. I want to believe something, but I don't. And when I think of nothingness, I kind of spiral myself into a panic attack.
I'm writing a Eulogy. I'm thinking of just printing it and having it in the program for the mass. Because I'm just not capable of saying it all out loud. I'm an only child. My parents are divorced (though I have a step mother that is just barely in the picture), so it's just me. My cousin offered to read the Eulogy, but it feels really inauthentic somehow. My Dad had been sick for a few years and in a nursing home (dementia). Most of my family didn't bother coming to visit and hadn't seen him for years, so I don't want any of them up there talking about my Dad.
This is exactly how I feel. Certain family members couldn't be bothered to check in on my parents, even just a phone call to say "hi". So I do not want anyone other than me up there talking about my parents. I took care of them over the past 3 years.
I definitely understand how all of this feels.
The chaplain who will be there for the service offered to read the eulogy for me if I feel like I can't do it, or if I'm up there and can't get through it. I would much rather it come from me, but it's nice to know I have someone to help if I can't get through it all.
Post by mysteriouswife on Apr 22, 2021 14:47:02 GMT -5
Not good. My last living grandparent had a massive heart attack over the weekend. There is nothing that can be done. He is in organ failure and on hospice.
Oh I know - this might be addressed in the Transitions book that you mentioned goldengirlz I'll have to check it out
But anyone having some Deep Thoughts about what's happened to our loved ones now that they're gone?
I've lost loved ones when I was younger, back when I was still a practicing Roman Catholic. So at the time, the thought of heaven and all that jazz was comforting. In recent years, I've separated from church (though am still having a mass for my father because he was Catholic). I don't know that I believe in Heaven. I don't know that the song I hear on the radio or the cardinal I see is some sign from my Dad. I want to believe something, but I don't. And when I think of nothingness, I kind of spiral myself into a panic attack.
I think this is normal. In the days after my dad died, I suddenly found myself Googling all the physical stuff that happens after you die (morbid, I know) and spending an inordinate amount of time wondering what his last conscious thought was.
I haven’t given as much thought to the spiritual stuff, but my DD asks about it a lot. I do, however, think about my own mortality quite a bit now. Not in terms of what will happen, but more of an “oh, shit” kind of way.
The book does talk about a stage in the transition process where we go through something he calls “disenchantment” — meaning that often a big life change ends up shaking one of our deep-seated beliefs about the world. And for me, one of those beliefs was likely this sort of denial that I could get old and I could die, or that I would lose my dad at a relatively young age. And so maybe this is part of the disenchantment stage for you; you’re re-evaluating your own religious beliefs and wondering if they still work for you.
Post by simpsongal on Apr 22, 2021 15:03:00 GMT -5
Hugs to everyone struggling, including all the difficult anniversaries. I think the Hickman book also conveys that the 'gift' of grief is realizing personally you're forever changed after such a loss and you can pay that understanding and graciousness forward to others experiencing it. I know folks mean well, but I find it a little hurtful when friends and neighbors ask how my mom is doing, rather than asking how I'm doing.
kdubs923 , I can relate. I'm a Christian. I don't think growing up Protestant we talked as much about the "mystery of faith" as is common for Catholics. Even though I feel some comfort and confidence in an afterlife, I do find myself wondering a lot about where my father is. Like physically, spiritually, and in every other sense. Where is his life force? And then I think about other family members who died, are they 'together'? I never thought about things as much w/other deaths. But I guess the closeness of this loss and the marked absence makes it just feel like he was erased.
Sometimes it gives me comfort to think of him when I see something beautiful in nature. This probably sounds crazy, but sometimes I think it would be cool if he could see us through our mirrors, like in DD's room where my folks used to stay when they visited.
For the funeral, I think it would be fine to post the notice out on Facebook (a friend did this recently under similar circumstances). And I hear you re: the eulogy. I really wanted to say something at my dad's funeral but I'm not great at public speaking and I knew I couldn't get through it. If you want someone to read it, do it. If you just want to print it, do it too. I said something out loud at a more intimate ceremony and was glad I did. I also put a ton of work into the photo and item displays at the funeral, which is more in my wheelhouse.
Now that things are opening back up and I'm seeing more people I find myself balancing whether to even mention my dad. Folks generally know, but maybe they forgot he died? It'll be 8 months on the 26th. IDK, the grief and the thoughts of him are with me a lot, but I don't necessarily want to bum people out.
I saw coworkers and went to my office for the first time in a year yesterday. The calendar still said March 2020, and I was cleaning things up and found 3 personal photos, one of which was a law school graduation photo w/me, my mom, and my dad. I was a brand new attorney when I put that photo on the wall. The office was the same, but after this year I certainly felt different.
In the spirit of the quote I posted, I'm still in the process of letting go, but I do look forward to reaching the new normal.
People are so awkward, especially if they haven’t lost someone close to them. Sometimes when I bring up my dad, people get that deer-in-headlights look, like “oh no, she’s mentioning her dad — do I look sympathetic? Can I laugh if it’s a funny story?” It makes me not want to mention him.
Post by rootbeer53 on Apr 22, 2021 15:51:34 GMT -5
I has been 8 1/2 years for my mom and 7 1/2 years for my husband. I am not sure i will ever fully get over it. As someone said, i honestly can't believe they are gone.
I know i will not ever get over it, but i can't seem to even date and he has been gone so so long.
This week was weird for me. I went to do some work at my dad's house. When I got there the lights popped a breaker and sparked. So that was not a great start.
We also got a notice that his funds were being released...to my mother who died 13 years ago. A telemarketer called while I was there and after I told her he passed away, she asked the best time to call back. I then yelled at her and felt bad about that.
On the plus side, we did get the death certificate today so we can deal with more of the legal stuff.
My mom passed a week ago today. She had been in the ICU, but they discharged her back to a rehab facility and she was supposed to be rehabbing to come home. She had a massive heart attack or stroke - we’ll never know which - and she passed within 10 minutes of telling her therapist she needed an ambulance.
One of my dogs passed two weeks ago tomorrow. That may not be as heavy to some, but this dog was my heart dog and the first pet I’ve lost as an adult. It was also incredibly sudden and traumatic.
I also had an uncle that passed in February due to COVID and a complicated and painful DVT in February as well.
I just got home from my cousin's funeral services in MA. It was a rough two days. One of my uncles was unable to be a pallbearer because of his knees so I was able to step in and that felt...not GOOD, exactly, but was meaningful to me.
Her two little girls are so beautiful and it's heartbreaking that her younger one won't remember her at all. Her almost 5 year old talks about her a lot and asked me randomly at one point "Do you miss my mommy?" And I told her yes, very much and she said "me too". I hate that they won't really get to experience just how wonderful and self-less she was. And I'm afraid they'll lose their connection with their Korean side. My cousin was half-Korean (aunt is Korean) and I don't know how much time they'll be able to spend with my aunt and uncle vs. their dad's family.
What I'm dealing with now is the disbelief that life is just going to go on without her in the world. It seems unreal.
I cried on the way in to work today. I am feeling all the feelings now that I’ve decided to disengage as much as possible from the logistics of the estate.
I ordered the journal and book “It’s ok to not be ok” until I get into therapy. I also got myself a necklace with my dad’s handwriting for Mother’s Day. Since the divorce he would do nice things for me and it will be hard not having that kindness this year.
Post by kitchenreno on Apr 23, 2021 11:51:03 GMT -5
PDQ. I'm mostly a lurker but wanted to chime in. It's been about 15 months since my husband died unexpectedly. I mostly feel "ok" but sometimes am just struck by how lonely I am and how much my life has changed. I don't know what my future looks like at all. I feel worse for my kids, so I tend not to focus on my sadness. I do group counseling so it's not like I ignore myself completely, but anytime I feel down, I think about how hard they must have it.
My mom died unexpectedly in July and it's tough. She loved her granddaughters so much and I'm so angry about the time she was robbed with them.
Both their birthdays are coming up and it hurts that she doesn't get to see them grow up and now they'll be a different age than when she knew them.
Like Susie we are also in the process of looking for a new house and it makes me sad that she will never get to see it.
I had some friends at work that have all lost a parent this year too, so we've formed somewhat of a support group - it helps to have people that can relate
I try not to dwell on that stuff too much but some days it really gets me