Money vs Emotion issue (long. So long!) - mini update at end

[fela]

Hi all, lurker here! Would love some objective advice if you don’t mind 😌

My H and I bought our house about 6 years ago - it was in rough shape and we’ve put a lot of money into fixing/updating. The last “big” project on the docket was a backyard renovation. We’ve been saving up for that for the last couple years.

Like many people stuck at home during the pandemic, we really wanted to get the work done sooner rather than later so we could enjoy the backyard (it was largely unusable in the state it was in). Plus we have a toddler who loves to be outside.

We had about 1/2 the money saved up specifically for the work, and enough in other savings buckets to cover the rest. We didn’t need to touch our e-fund or any kid related savings, these were more buckets for future travel and other discretionary items. Also, my husband has an old truck that he and his dad restored - it doesn’t run reliably and he never does anything with it, it just sits in the side yard. He said he would be willing to sell it so we could do the work this spring instead of waiting another year or 2.

DH talked with his dad about selling the truck, and his dad agreed that it made sense. He was a little sad, but totally supportive - he agreed that it made no sense to just have the truck sitting idle when we could use the money for something the whole family would enjoy. So DH was in: we signed a contract for the yard work and got the truck over to a mechanic to get a few things fixed. It took longer than I would have liked for things to actually get moving with the truck (like, months) but knowing that this was a bittersweet topic I stayed mostly silent and let DH take the lead.

Fast forward to now - the work is completed and we (mostly) are thrilled with the yard! Work on the truck is complete (about $4k) and it’s ready to sell. DH has identified 2 buyer options. But, now FIL is guilting him about selling. FIL is elderly and not in good spirits. His health is, I think, pretty decent for a 92 year old who doesn’t take very good care of himself - he still golfs regularly but them will have a week where he doesn’t feel very good. So things are a bit up and down with him, but again I think within the normal spectrum for someone his age. It would not surprise me if he passed away within a year, or if he lives 10 more years. Of course I hope it’s the latter!

So now DH feels stuck - his dad had mentioned several times how sad he would be if DH sells the truck. SIL has also made some comments about it. DH feels guilty, and I think worries that if he sells the truck it will push his dad into a depression and worsen his health. Plus he feels like it’s a huge tangible representation of his relationship with his dad and how would he feel if he sells it and then his dad dies?

I am sympathetic, and yet also feel a bit… annoyed isn’t quite the right word but something like it. I get the emotions involved, I do. But I also can’t help feeling a little disappointed and uncomfortable with how things worked out. We now do not have as much in savings as we did before, and are actually out more money for the work on the truck. I tend to hoard money in savings so although they were for discretionary things, I feel anxious that we rebuild those levels back up. We also have a baby due in 2 months, I will have some time off paid but not at full pay, so having that extra cushion was mentally helpful to me. Ultimately we will be fine without the money from selling the truck, just not as fine as I’d prefer.

So, I’ve told DH that it’s up to him what to do - that I’m not exactly ok with not selling the truck, but also that I’m not going to force the issue. But I do feel a little bitter. Am I wrong to feel that way? Would you handle differently? Any advice for changing my mindset? I tend to be more pragmatic than emotional, so I’m trying to be sensitive to DH here. Complicating matters is that I am expecting an inheritance soon, which I may make another thread for. I think DH feels like we’ll get the money to rebuild savings from that (giving him an “out” not to sell the truck) while I don’t want to use that money for that purpose.

Thank you for reading! Sorry I am so wordy!!

[lemoncupcake]

I’m no help because I’m also a pragmatic, unsentimental person. I don’t understand the appeal of having a truck that you’re somehow so emotionally attached to that you can’t get rid of it, but not emotionally attached to it that you were enjoying it to begin with. In my mind, objects are meant to be used/enjoyed - spark joy and all that business.

So…I’m no help. Since you’re otherwise in an ok financial position I wouldn’t push the issue though since it means so much to your DH and his family.

Consult a lawyer/accountant for sure, but I’d also keep the inheritance separate from your joint funds. You can always pull it in if you end up in dire situation, but until then keep it for yourself.

[AdaraMarie]

I would be annoyed at someone changing plans on me, but I also get attached to "things" and am of the opinion that if it is important to him and his family then you should let him make the decision. It also sounds like you want the money for a cushion and not because you really need it.
If you really needed the money now it might be different, but it sounds like that is not the case.

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 7:49:19 GMT -5 lemoncupcake said:

I’m no help because I’m also a pragmatic, unsentimental person. I don’t understand the appeal of having a truck that you’re somehow so emotionally attached to that you can’t get rid of it, but not emotionally attached to it that you were enjoying it to begin with. In my mind, objects are meant to be used/enjoyed - spark joy and all that business.

So…I’m no help. Since you’re otherwise in an ok financial position I wouldn’t push the issue though since it means so much to your DH and his family.

Consult a lawyer/accountant for sure, but I’d also keep the inheritance separate from your joint funds. You can always pull it in if you end up in dire situation, but until then keep it for yourself.

Thanks for responding! I agree about using objects - I think FIL is partly sad because he was thinking that DH and our son could enjoy the truck together, but honestly that would YEARS down the road. Our son is 20 months and the truck has no airbags or safety features - it will be years before either DH or myself would even let him ride in it. Now that it’s fixed up DH could drive it around, but it’s not like he has the time or inclination to take it to shows or anything. So, it sits. It is pretty and makes you smile to look at, I’ll give it that much!

The inheritance is sticky for me - before this all happened I would have considered it basically joint funds; ultimately I would have the final call but we would make the decision how to spend together. Now I lean more towards keeping it separate, which makes me feel a little… petty? Vindictive? Not that I’m going to spend it on myself, but more that I want to make sure we use for something my relative would have wanted (like maybe a down payment on a vacation/forever house) and not “just” rebuilding savings.

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 7:55:23 GMT -5 AdaraMarie said:

I would be annoyed at someone changing plans on me, but I also get attached to "things" and am of the opinion that if it is important to him and his family then you should let him make the decision. It also sounds like you want the money for a cushion and not because you really need it.
If you really needed the money now it might be different, but it sounds like that is not the case.

Thanks! It’s true that we don’t “need” the money and I am trying to focus on that. But, it’s also a substantial amount (around $40k) that I wasn’t anticipating having to rebuild. It does impact our plans in other areas - I handle all our finances so DH doesn’t really “get” those impacts. Again they are not like e-fund or retirement, but still.

While the truck has sentimental value, I do struggle with the fact that it didn’t seem to really matter to anyone until we were ready to actually sell. But I guess sometimes that happens, that you don’t really know what something means until you are faced with losing it. Plus I think FIL just has a lot of time to fixate on this kind of stuff, and he’s a little morbid to begin with.

[simpsongal]

Hehe, I'm tweaking my response b/c you said $4K in your post, but down thread said $40K re: The truck value (I suspect $40K is the accurate number ).

Your feelings are valid. I'd feel them, but also try to let it go for now. You can be slightly annoyed, but your DH is navigating this as well with your FIL. Your FIL may not care in a year, and then you can sell. It doesn't sound like money is particularly tight, and you could sell it if something happened. Other people may not put as much emphasis on family harmony, but it doesn't sound like this is a common occurrence with your FIL, or an area you need to draw a line in the sand.

I bet you could take some fun pics in the truck w/your kiddos - maybe even a family photo shoot?

Life is short - I lost my dad unexpectedly last year, if your FIL went in the next year or two I think your DH would feel thankful he brought him joy and held onto the truck.

[AdaraMarie]

Jun 30, 2021 8:44:43 GMT -5 fela said:

Jun 30, 2021 7:55:23 GMT -5 AdaraMarie said:

I would be annoyed at someone changing plans on me, but I also get attached to "things" and am of the opinion that if it is important to him and his family then you should let him make the decision. It also sounds like you want the money for a cushion and not because you really need it.
If you really needed the money now it might be different, but it sounds like that is not the case.

Thanks! It’s true that we don’t “need” the money and I am trying to focus on that. But, it’s also a substantial amount (around $40k) that I wasn’t anticipating having to rebuild. It does impact our plans in other areas - I handle all our finances so DH doesn’t really “get” those impacts. Again they are not like e-fund or retirement, but still.

While the truck has sentimental value, I do struggle with the fact that it didn’t seem to really matter to anyone until we were ready to actually sell. But I guess sometimes that happens, that you don’t really know what something means until you are faced with losing it. Plus I think FIL just has a lot of time to fixate on this kind of stuff, and he’s a little morbid to begin with.

Fair enough. It's possible (in theory at least) he understands and is willing to make the sacrifice.
Also, a decision for now doesn't have to be the decision forever.

[lemoncupcake]

Jun 30, 2021 8:59:58 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

Hehe, I'm tweaking my response b/c you said $4K in your post, but down thread said $40K re: The truck value (I suspect $40K is the accurate number ).

Your feelings are valid. I'd feel them, but also try to let it go for now. You can be slightly annoyed, but your DH is navigating this as well with your FIL. Your FIL may not care in a year, and then you can sell. It doesn't sound like money is particularly tight, and you could sell it if something happened. Other people may not put as much emphasis on family harmony, but it doesn't sound like this is a common occurrence with your FIL, or an area you need to draw a line in the sand.

I bet you could take some fun pics in the truck w/your kiddos - maybe even a family photo shoot?

Life is short - I lost my dad unexpectedly last year, if your FIL went in the next year or two I think your DH would feel thankful he brought him joy and held onto the truck.

I think they spent $4k to get the truck ready to sell, and they were expecting to sell it for $40k. So by choosing to keep it they’re down the $4k rather than just being out the potential sale money.

[lilypad1126]

I'd be annoyed at the change in plans, as I, too, am pragmatic about things. Especially things like a vehicle. However. If we could afford it and my H wanted to keep it, I'd try really hard to not let my annoyance show and support my H. Mostly b/c life is short and this is not a hill I want to die on. But also b/c my H would feel bad that they changed the plan and he would try to make it up to me somehow.

I will say, my H sometimes wishes he had done things differently in the year or 2 before his dad died. Not that FIL didn't have a good life, but there are some things my H wishes he could change. I can see selling vs holding on a sentimental item being one of those things for him, if he was in a similar situation. So I get it. But I'd still be annoyed that we agreed to sell it to replenish the money we had already spent.

[ellipses84]

I’m assuming a restored vintage truck that runs holds its value pretty well, so you don’t necessarily have to consider it a depreciating asset like most vehicles. It’s more like an antique with insurance. Why not say, we’ll keep the truck but if we find ourself in a financial pinch while on maternity leave or after, we will sell it. You could place a low savings threshold to trigger that decision. Similarly you could take a some of your inheritance and put it in a separate savings to do the same. Once you are able to build up your normal savings, do what you want with the inheritance money. I think you will be fine without selling the truck or using an inheritance but two kids are expensive so if you find yourself in that place, your DH may be more willing to face reality at that time.

Anything your DH could do to work overtime to help pay for the truck repairs? Would a family member be willing to buy the truck? I’d be frustrated you were out even more money than the yard and annoyed someone else has an opinion about your finances. Obviously there are other costs associated with keeping the truck but I would put those in a hobby / entertainment budget category.

You mentioned this will impact other goals you were saving for so I’d make it really clear to DH that x, y, z will be for a long time unless you sell the truck. Let him make the decision though.

[sometimesrunner]

Eek--I wasn't expecting the truck value to be $40k. That is a LOT of money to give up on a mostly sentimental thing that just sits around. I, too, would have a hard time not selling the vehicle at that price. It sounds like you two are good at communicating about finances. I would start a conversation about keeping the truck, and discuss where are you going to pull the funds to pay for the backyard renovation. Once he sees that you may not take a vacation, or buy a new vehicle, or whatever else you were saving up for he may change his tune and realize the truck isn't worth *that* much to him.

[goldengirlz]

You wrote that you’re being pragmatic and he’s being emotional, but you’re ALSO letting your emotions dictate this decision. Feeling anxiety around not having “enough” in savings — and using words like “bitter,” “petty” and “vindictive” — IS an emotional response to money.

The truck didn’t just go away. You still own it. If you had a need for the money, you could always sell it at that point.

Have you talked to your H about how you’re feeling and how money makes you feel? It sounds like there’s A LOT of emotion on both sides, not just his.

I’m not team H OR team you because I think you both need to have a heart-to-heart and come up with a compromise. As someone who just lost her dad earlier this year, I’ll just say people are allowed to be emotional sometimes.

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 8:59:58 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

Hehe, I'm tweaking my response b/c you said $4K in your post, but down thread said $40K re: The truck value (I suspect $40K is the accurate number ).

Your feelings are valid. I'd feel them, but also try to let it go for now. You can be slightly annoyed, but your DH is navigating this as well with your FIL. Your FIL may not care in a year, and then you can sell. It doesn't sound like money is particularly tight, and you could sell it if something happened. Other people may not put as much emphasis on family harmony, but it doesn't sound like this is a common occurrence with your FIL, or an area you need to draw a line in the sand.

I bet you could take some fun pics in the truck w/your kiddos - maybe even a family photo shoot?

Life is short - I lost my dad unexpectedly last year, if your FIL went in the next year or two I think your DH would feel thankful he brought him joy and held onto the truck.

Sorry! $40k is what the truck would sell for, conservatively. We spent about $4k to get it ready to sell.

I’m sorry about your dad and I appreciate you sharing that perspective. I will try to focus more on the positive.

[noodleoo]

Wow, I wasn't expecting the truck to be worth $40K! That's a lot and I would definitely be upset at the bait and switch.

I'd really want to understand what H's end goal for an asset of that value is. Does he ever plan to sell it? Does he plan to use it and enjoy it? I'd have a hard time with $40K sitting in a driveway. What if a tree falls on it? Is it properly insured for its value? Is it worth paying to insure something you don't actually use?

I'm sentimental about stuff, but not at $40K worth. How much money did you/your H actually put into the car? Did FIL pay for some of it too? That would play into who "owns" it in my mind and who gets to decide when to sell it.

How annoyed I'd be would also depend on how much $40K means to you. Are you guys high income/high savers where it isn't a lot or is it a significant percentage of your income? You mentioned it would take 1-2 years to save up that amount, so it doesn't sound like a small thing. How much is your e-fund now compared to before the yard work?

In regards to your inheritance, I would absolutely put it in a separate account and then move it over to joint funds as you need it. You can think of it as family money, but ultimately it is yours until you comingle it. It is worth protecting, even it if is just to make sure it is used for the purposes you want.

[macmars45]

I'm also pragmatic and not really sentimental. I'd be annoyed that the plans changed. Being out 40K is a lot. I think whoever suggested getting family pictures taken by the truck has a great idea. Include your FIL in them.

[tacokick]

Is the truck really bringing anyone joy or is his father just the complaining type? Some people are just grumbly.

I would think most fathers would want their kids so sell something that isn’t of use and worth 40k and could make their lives easier. Take some pictures, get a sketch made and sell it. I’m not seeing what value it is adding to anyone’s life sitting in the yard. You’re the parents of young children and it’s not even safe to ride in. Let it go! It doesn’t fit your life now.

[Cappy]

I'd have all the same feelings for all the same reasons. It seems like FIL agreed bc he thought you needed the $ and now he's using the fact that you got the work done without the sale as proof you didn't *really* need it when in fact nothing changed but his perceptions. I also like to keep a buffer and would not be happy with spending 4k on that truck.

[lacey]

It’s honestly hard to tell whether your family is going to have to sacrifice anything for keeping the truck or if this is just you preferring to have more money in savings for the just in case scenarios. I’d be willing to let myself be uncomfortable to respect the sentiment of the truck, but I wouldn’t be willing to sacrifice things the family needs or making memories today for it.

I would put the inheritance money in a separate account and make it clear that you are not intending to use it for rebuilding the savings accounts. You need to have that discussion so your husband can really figure out if needs to sell the truck or not.

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 9:20:00 GMT -5 lilypad1126 said:

I'd be annoyed at the change in plans, as I, too, am pragmatic about things. Especially things like a vehicle. However. If we could afford it and my H wanted to keep it, I'd try really hard to not let my annoyance show and support my H. Mostly b/c life is short and this is not a hill I want to die on. But also b/c my H would feel bad that they changed the plan and he would try to make it up to me somehow.

I will say, my H sometimes wishes he had done things differently in the year or 2 before his dad died. Not that FIL didn't have a good life, but there are some things my H wishes he could change. I can see selling vs holding on a sentimental item being one of those things for him, if he was in a similar situation. So I get it. But I'd still be annoyed that we agreed to sell it to replenish the money we had already spent.

I totally agree and I’m working hard to not let my irritation show. I have literally only spoken to H about it once, when he let me know that FIL and SIL were guilting him. I said that I didn’t that was very fair of them, and that I wasn’t really ok with not selling but that I was not going to force the issue.

I appreciate those of you who have lost a parent, or whose partners have lost a parent, sharing your experiences. I luckily have not. I do think general guilt plays a role in this for DH - we don’t live close to his family and don’t see them a lot, especially since we had a baby and then the pandemic. I know he wishes he could spend more time with his dad but with new baby almost here that won’t be in the cards for a while either.

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 9:39:51 GMT -5 ellipses84 said:

I’m assuming a restored vintage truck that runs holds its value pretty well, so you don’t necessarily have to consider it a depreciating asset like most vehicles. It’s more like an antique with insurance. Why not say, we’ll keep the truck but if we find ourself in a financial pinch while on maternity leave or after, we will sell it. You could place a low savings threshold to trigger that decision. Similarly you could take a some of your inheritance and put it in a separate savings to do the same. Once you are able to build up your normal savings, do what you want with the inheritance money. I think you will be fine without selling the truck or using an inheritance but two kids are expensive so if you find yourself in that place, your DH may be more willing to face reality at that time.

Anything your DH could do to work overtime to help pay for the truck repairs? Would a family member be willing to buy the truck? I’d be frustrated you were out even more money than the yard and annoyed someone else has an opinion about your finances. Obviously there are other costs associated with keeping the truck but I would put those in a hobby / entertainment budget category.

You mentioned this will impact other goals you were saving for so I’d make it really clear to DH that x, y, z will be for a long time unless you sell the truck. Let him make the decision though.

This is a good point - we can always sell the truck if we need to in the future. And should it really be a “need” I don’t think DH would hesitate.

No family member would buy it. One of the buyers H identified is a work contact - it seemed like a perfect solution because he is nearby, and told H that if he ever did want to borrow the truck or even buy it back he would be totally open. I thought that might make FIL feel a little better but it didn’t.

I haven’t really explained to H the impact this will have on other goals - I guess because A) they are discretionary and B) I don’t want it to come across as punitive? Like “no we can’t buy a new car/go on vacation/etc because you didn’t sell the truck”. There’s probably a better way to say it than that lol, but I’m trying to be extra delicate here (despite what it may seem!)

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 10:09:42 GMT -5 goldengirlz said:

You wrote that you’re being pragmatic and he’s being emotional, but you’re ALSO letting your emotions dictate this decision. Feeling anxiety around not having “enough” in savings — and using words like “bitter,” “petty” and “vindictive” — IS an emotional response to money.

The truck didn’t just go away. You still own it. If you had a need for the money, you could always sell it at that point.

Have you talked to your H about how you’re feeling and how money makes you feel? It sounds like there’s A LOT of emotion on both sides, not just his.

I’m not team H OR team you because I think you both need to have a heart-to-heart and come up with a compromise. As someone who just lost her dad earlier this year, I’ll just say people are allowed to be emotional sometimes.

I didn’t mean to imply that I have no emotions about it. I just don’t have the same emotional ties to the truck that H has, and I don’t really have an equivalent “thing” in my life so I don’t have the same context. I do have some anxieties about money, specifically savings, that are not necessarily rational. We have more than enough money. I’m recognizing that I don’t like some of the emotions I’m feeling about this, which is why I asked for advice on changing my mindset. All that being said, I’m at a fairly low level on the emotional scale about all this.

I have not talked to H about how I’m feeling because I don’t want him to feel guilty about not selling. He’s already getting guilt from his dad and sister. Plus, honestly, I don’t want him to ever resent me if he does decide to sell. I want it to be his decision (but I do think I’m allowed to have some emotions about that decision).

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 10:18:11 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Wow, I wasn't expecting the truck to be worth $40K! That's a lot and I would definitely be upset at the bait and switch.

I'd really want to understand what H's end goal for an asset of that value is. Does he ever plan to sell it? Does he plan to use it and enjoy it? I'd have a hard time with $40K sitting in a driveway. What if a tree falls on it? Is it properly insured for its value? Is it worth paying to insure something you don't actually use?

I'm sentimental about stuff, but not at $40K worth. How much money did you/your H actually put into the car? Did FIL pay for some of it too? That would play into who "owns" it in my mind and who gets to decide when to sell it.

How annoyed I'd be would also depend on how much $40K means to you. Are you guys high income/high savers where it isn't a lot or is it a significant percentage of your income? You mentioned it would take 1-2 years to save up that amount, so it doesn't sound like a small thing. How much is your e-fund now compared to before the yard work?

In regards to your inheritance, I would absolutely put it in a separate account and then move it over to joint funds as you need it. You can think of it as family money, but ultimately it is yours until you comingle it. It is worth protecting, even it if is just to make sure it is used for the purposes you want.

Honestly I don’t think he has a future plan for the truck. Now that it’s running reliably he could use it more, but realistically I think he would just occasionally take it for a drive - maybe to run an errand or something. He doesn’t have any interest in taking it to shows, and with (soon to be) 2 under 2 it’s not like he’s going to have much free time anyways. So, IDK? It is insured but we probably need to check the amount - thank you for that reminder!

We are high earners but also live in VHCOL so not super high savers. And with 2 in daycare that will be even harder. But we have plenty of money without selling the truck. We are very privileged and fortunate, I do recognize. This is not a “real” problem.

[momof2]

I’m really not following how this truck brings joy at this point to either your DH or your FIL. Are they driving around in it?? Or was the joy in fixing it up, which is now completed?

I would ask my husband these questions and I would absolutely point out how locking up $40k in this asset means other things won’t happen.

I might defer to his decision. But I wouldn’t tiptoe around the conversation. I mean if his dad’s health is so precarious that selling a truck that the dad doesn’t even ride around in would kill him (which I think is the scenario), then there are likely 100 things that could kill him tomorrow.

But I have very little emotional attachment — as you can probably tell from my response.

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 10:51:11 GMT -5 tacokick said:

Is the truck really bringing anyone joy or is his father just the complaining type? Some people are just grumbly.

I would think most fathers would want their kids so sell something that isn’t of use and worth 40k and could make their lives easier. Take some pictures, get a sketch made and sell it. I’m not seeing what value it is adding to anyone’s life sitting in the yard. You’re the parents of young children and it’s not even safe to ride in. Let it go! It doesn’t fit your life now.

FIL is a little complainy for sure. But, he’s struggling with getting older. Most of his friends have passed away and he’s often annoyed by his family (aren’t we all sometimes). He’s just a little morbid/mopey - and maybe he has a right to be!

I think if H had sold the truck quickly after their initial conversation (when FIL was supportive) this may have played out differently. He might have had some sadness, but it would be done. But instead months went by, now the truck is ready to sell and DH has been talking to FIL about options, asking his advice, etc - I think in an effort to make his dad still feel included. But I think it may have had an unintended consequence in that it gave FIL more time to dwell and now he sees a chance to “keep it in the family”? I don’t want to run him down at all - he’s a very nice man and a good dad/grandfather.

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 11:08:03 GMT -5 lacey said:

It’s honestly hard to tell whether your family is going to have to sacrifice anything for keeping the truck or if this is just you preferring to have more money in savings for the just in case scenarios. I’d be willing to let myself be uncomfortable to respect the sentiment of the truck, but I wouldn’t be willing to sacrifice things the family needs or making memories today for it.

I would put the inheritance money in a separate account and make it clear that you are not intending to use it for rebuilding the savings accounts. You need to have that discussion so your husband can really figure out if needs to sell the truck or not.

Sacrifice - no. I can’t think of anything specific we will need to give up, it’s just more the peace of mind of having a large buffer. But part of that is baby #2 on the way - it’s not like we are planning any lavish vacations soon or anything. We were thinking about getting a minivan, but it’s a total “want” and not a “need”.

I do think you and others are right that I need to talk to H about plans for the inheritance and how I do/don’t want to allocate it. I just have not been sure about how to have that discussion without coming across like “well you’re keeping your truck so I’m keeping my inheritance (which will be much more than the truck)”. I just want to tread carefully and this is all new to me!

[flygirl]

Oh boy…I knew where this was going to go because this is something my H would do. My thought while reading it was SELL THE TEUCK FIRST. I even gave my H the scenario and asked what he would do. He said if he agreed to sell the truck for the backyard, then he needs to sell the truck. I only 1/2 believe that from him -lol. I have sympathy that his family is guilting him but he can’t claim a sentimental attachment to it after he agreed to sell it and now that he already has the prize it was supposed to pay for. I’d also be irritated that he thinks he can just say your inheritance will cover him keeping it. It’s not his to spend…he has to have that discussion with you first. You should definitely not co-mingle that money.
Clearly I have my own biases when it comes to this sort of thing but I need to have a certain amount set aside and someone suddenly changing the rules after the agreement was made would really irritate me and cause anxiety.
Could you tell your H that you’ll agree to keep the truck until your FIL is no longer alive? (Sorry if that’s morbid) Or sooner if no one uses it in a year or two? A lot of times when projects like that are purchased, unless they work on it immediately, it just sits there for years and what is the enjoyment in that?
ETA-I think most people would advise you keep inheritances separate regardless of the truck

[lacey]

Jun 30, 2021 12:11:53 GMT -5 fela said:

Jun 30, 2021 11:08:03 GMT -5 lacey said:

It’s honestly hard to tell whether your family is going to have to sacrifice anything for keeping the truck or if this is just you preferring to have more money in savings for the just in case scenarios. I’d be willing to let myself be uncomfortable to respect the sentiment of the truck, but I wouldn’t be willing to sacrifice things the family needs or making memories today for it.

I would put the inheritance money in a separate account and make it clear that you are not intending to use it for rebuilding the savings accounts. You need to have that discussion so your husband can really figure out if needs to sell the truck or not.

Sacrifice - no. I can’t think of anything specific we will need to give up, it’s just more the peace of mind of having a large buffer. But part of that is baby #2 on the way - it’s not like we are planning any lavish vacations soon or anything. We were thinking about getting a minivan, but it’s a total “want” and not a “need”.

I do think you and others are right that I need to talk to H about plans for the inheritance and how I do/don’t want to allocate it. I just have not been sure about how to have that discussion without coming across like “well you’re keeping your truck so I’m keeping my inheritance (which will be much more than the truck)”. I just want to tread carefully and this is all new to me!

Having read this and your other recent responses I would try really hard to let this go. In my mind to help me do this, I would reframe it as taking a loan against cash/cash equivalent assets you had to move up the timeline on the backyard to enjoy it sooner (especially with little ones!) You still have a tangible asset that you can, and would, sell if you needed the money for something. It sounds like you have a funded emergency fund and retirement so that’s obviously good. And realistically the inheritance will give you access to quick cash if an emergency happens and you need time to sell the truck. Take the next couple years and rebuild savings with whatever you were planning on saving for the backyard re-do.

I wouldn’t shield your husband from the repercussions of his decision either though. If the reality is you can’t buy a minivan without selling the truck, tell him that. While you’re doing that mention that you aren’t planning on using the inheritance for a van either and let that conversation happen. It’s ok for him to say that the truck means more to him that an upgrade to a van and it’s ok for you to say that doing something that you think would better honor your relative is what you are going to do with the inheritance.

[noodleoo]

Jun 30, 2021 11:46:35 GMT -5 fela said:

Jun 30, 2021 10:09:42 GMT -5 goldengirlz said:

You wrote that you’re being pragmatic and he’s being emotional, but you’re ALSO letting your emotions dictate this decision. Feeling anxiety around not having “enough” in savings — and using words like “bitter,” “petty” and “vindictive” — IS an emotional response to money.

The truck didn’t just go away. You still own it. If you had a need for the money, you could always sell it at that point.

Have you talked to your H about how you’re feeling and how money makes you feel? It sounds like there’s A LOT of emotion on both sides, not just his.

I’m not team H OR team you because I think you both need to have a heart-to-heart and come up with a compromise. As someone who just lost her dad earlier this year, I’ll just say people are allowed to be emotional sometimes.

I didn’t mean to imply that I have no emotions about it. I just don’t have the same emotional ties to the truck that H has, and I don’t really have an equivalent “thing” in my life so I don’t have the same context. I do have some anxieties about money, specifically savings, that are not necessarily rational. We have more than enough money. I’m recognizing that I don’t like some of the emotions I’m feeling about this, which is why I asked for advice on changing my mindset. All that being said, I’m at a fairly low level on the emotional scale about all this.

I have not talked to H about how I’m feeling because I don’t want him to feel guilty about not selling. He’s already getting guilt from his dad and sister. Plus, honestly, I don’t want him to ever resent me if he does decide to sell. I want it to be his decision (but I do think I’m allowed to have some emotions about that decision).

Oooh boy, I've been there and it worked out badly.  If want it to be his decision to sell the truck, then you need to really accept that he may never want to sell it.  I've been in this trap in my relationship when H and I were at an impasse about something we disagreed on.  Spoiler alert: he never came around on it and I fully resent him for it.  It sounds like you don't really need the money, so I think you are right that you should probably focus on letting it go.

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 11:56:43 GMT -5 momof2 said:

I’m really not following how this truck brings joy at this point to either your DH or your FIL. Are they driving around in it?? Or was the joy in fixing it up, which is now completed?

I would ask my husband these questions and I would absolutely point out how locking up $40k in this asset means other things won’t happen.

I might defer to his decision. But I wouldn’t tiptoe around the conversation. I mean if his dad’s health is so precarious that selling a truck that the dad doesn’t even ride around in would kill him (which I think is the scenario), then there are likely 100 things that could kill him tomorrow.

But I have very little emotional attachment — as you can probably tell from my response.

I think it’s more the idea of the truck, and the memories associated with it, are what bring the joy? No one has been driving it, in part because it was not reliable. Now it is driveable. They worked on it together over the years, but it’s basically been sitting - first in FIL’s garage and now our side yard - for like 12/13 years?

Truthfully I don’t know quite what to make of FILs health - he still golfs once or twice a week but also has times when he feels very poorly. Which seems probably normal, or even better than normal, for 90+? He does call H a lot with complaints, so I think DH is is constant fear of something happening. Whether or not that’s rational I couldn’t say BUT am trying to stay silent and supportive since it’s not my dad.

[goldengirlz]

Jun 30, 2021 11:46:35 GMT -5 fela said:

Jun 30, 2021 10:09:42 GMT -5 goldengirlz said:

You wrote that you’re being pragmatic and he’s being emotional, but you’re ALSO letting your emotions dictate this decision. Feeling anxiety around not having “enough” in savings — and using words like “bitter,” “petty” and “vindictive” — IS an emotional response to money.

The truck didn’t just go away. You still own it. If you had a need for the money, you could always sell it at that point.

Have you talked to your H about how you’re feeling and how money makes you feel? It sounds like there’s A LOT of emotion on both sides, not just his.

I’m not team H OR team you because I think you both need to have a heart-to-heart and come up with a compromise. As someone who just lost her dad earlier this year, I’ll just say people are allowed to be emotional sometimes.

I didn’t mean to imply that I have no emotions about it. I just don’t have the same emotional ties to the truck that H has, and I don’t really have an equivalent “thing” in my life so I don’t have the same context. I do have some anxieties about money, specifically savings, that are not necessarily rational. We have more than enough money. I’m recognizing that I don’t like some of the emotions I’m feeling about this, which is why I asked for advice on changing my mindset. All that being said, I’m at a fairly low level on the emotional scale about all this.

I have not talked to H about how I’m feeling because I don’t want him to feel guilty about not selling. He’s already getting guilt from his dad and sister. Plus, honestly, I don’t want him to ever resent me if he does decide to sell. I want it to be his decision (but I do think I’m allowed to have some emotions about that decision).

Of course you’re allowed to have emotions about it! And what you’re feeling is perfectly normal, don’t get me wrong.

But based on what I’m hearing, there isn’t a ton of urgency to sell the truck right now. I’m someone who doesn’t have a lot of emotion around money, and I don’t need a specific number to sleep well at night. So to me, I hear a lot of emotion when you talk about your fears about this.

And that’s totally fine. But if you’re unwilling to talk to your H about how you feel, then he might not even know how it’s affecting you. Maybe he’s perfectly content with the amount of money you still have in savings; maybe topping off the account is not a priority for him. And he’s not a mind reader to know that it is for you.

Truthfully, maybe this is something to discuss with a therapist (if you have one.) Because I do think this is a relationship question at its core, not a financial one.