Money vs Emotion issue (long. So long!) - mini update at end

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 12:24:00 GMT -5 flygirl said:

Oh boy…I knew where this was going to go because this is something my H would do. My thought while reading it was SELL THE TEUCK FIRST. I even gave my H the scenario and asked what he would do. He said if he agreed to sell the truck for the backyard, then he needs to sell the truck. I only 1/2 believe that from him -lol. I have sympathy that his family is guilting him but he can’t claim a sentimental attachment to it after he agreed to sell it and now that he already has the prize it was supposed to pay for. I’d also be irritated that he thinks he can just say your inheritance will cover him keeping it. It’s not his to spend…he has to have that discussion with you first. You should definitely not co-mingle that money.
Clearly I have my own biases when it comes to this sort of thing but I need to have a certain amount set aside and someone suddenly changing the rules after the agreement was made would really irritate me and cause anxiety.
Could you tell your H that you’ll agree to keep the truck until your FIL is no longer alive? (Sorry if that’s morbid) Or sooner if no one uses it in a year or two? A lot of times when projects like that are purchased, unless they work on it immediately, it just sits there for years and what is the enjoyment in that?
ETA-I think most people would advise you keep inheritances separate regardless of the truck

Yeah, to be honest I was surprised that DH was willing to sell, and that FIL was supportive. I really wanted things to move more quickly and to sell if before we began work on the yard, but I didn’t want DH to feel like I was pressuring or nagging him. I knew there was an emotional component so I was trying to be sensitive.

I honestly don’t know if it would be easier or harder for H to part with the truck after FIL passes. I tend to think it would be easier before but what do I know? To your point, yes we could put some parameters around keeping it. Great suggestion!!

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 12:48:58 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Jun 30, 2021 11:46:35 GMT -5 fela said:

I didn’t mean to imply that I have no emotions about it. I just don’t have the same emotional ties to the truck that H has, and I don’t really have an equivalent “thing” in my life so I don’t have the same context. I do have some anxieties about money, specifically savings, that are not necessarily rational. We have more than enough money. I’m recognizing that I don’t like some of the emotions I’m feeling about this, which is why I asked for advice on changing my mindset. All that being said, I’m at a fairly low level on the emotional scale about all this.

I have not talked to H about how I’m feeling because I don’t want him to feel guilty about not selling. He’s already getting guilt from his dad and sister. Plus, honestly, I don’t want him to ever resent me if he does decide to sell. I want it to be his decision (but I do think I’m allowed to have some emotions about that decision).

Oooh boy, I've been there and it worked out badly.  If want it to be his decision to sell the truck, then you need to really accept that he may never want to sell it.  I've been in this trap in my relationship when H and I were at an impasse about something we disagreed on.  Spoiler alert: he never came around on it and I fully resent him for it.  It sounds like you don't really need the money, so I think you are right that you should probably focus on letting it go.

Yikes, I’m sorry you were in that situation! It’s a good call-out though - it’s important to me that he not resent me, so I likely do need to work harder on accepting, really accepting, his decision.

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 13:10:01 GMT -5 goldengirlz said:

Jun 30, 2021 11:46:35 GMT -5 fela said:

I didn’t mean to imply that I have no emotions about it. I just don’t have the same emotional ties to the truck that H has, and I don’t really have an equivalent “thing” in my life so I don’t have the same context. I do have some anxieties about money, specifically savings, that are not necessarily rational. We have more than enough money. I’m recognizing that I don’t like some of the emotions I’m feeling about this, which is why I asked for advice on changing my mindset. All that being said, I’m at a fairly low level on the emotional scale about all this.

I have not talked to H about how I’m feeling because I don’t want him to feel guilty about not selling. He’s already getting guilt from his dad and sister. Plus, honestly, I don’t want him to ever resent me if he does decide to sell. I want it to be his decision (but I do think I’m allowed to have some emotions about that decision).

Of course you’re allowed to have emotions about it! And what you’re feeling is perfectly normal, don’t get me wrong.

But based on what I’m hearing, there isn’t a ton of urgency to sell the truck right now. I’m someone who doesn’t have a lot of emotion around money, and I don’t need a specific number to sleep well at night. So to me, I hear a lot of emotion when you talk about your fears about this.

And that’s totally fine. But if you’re unwilling to talk to your H about how you feel, then he might not even know how it’s affecting you. Maybe he’s perfectly content with the amount of money you still have in savings; maybe topping off the account is not a priority for him. And he’s not a mind reader to know that it is for you.

Truthfully, maybe this is something to discuss with a therapist (if you have one.) Because I do think this is a relationship question at its core, not a financial one.

Sorry if I sounded defensive - maybe I have more emotion about this than I thought (or maybe it’s pregnancy hormones, lol).

I’m not unwilling to talk to him about it, I’m just trying to time and frame that conversation the best way I can, and figured it would be best to get my own mind/thoughts right before I bring it up.

You are right - we don’t have the same comfort levels when it comes to money. He’s much more optimistic and less anxious, which is why I handle the finances and he defers to me 99% of the time. And it is also a relationship issue. Several people said upthread that I shouldn’t shield him from the consequences of the decision, which usually I would do. This is the first time we aren’t on the same page about such a large amount. Add in the inheritance issue, which has its own baggage, and yeah - I just want to get myself in the best possible headspace before I bring it up, especially knowing that he has different emotions tied to it.

Also, I’m sorry about your dad ☹️

[sadlebred]

Have him sell half of his truck or whatever his share is to a relative that cares about it. The truck stays in the family. Problem solved.

[ellipses84]

$40k is a lot of money. DH actually sold an inherited vintage car worth $30k before he met me. He loved the car but he was young and dumb and desperately needed the money. I love the car and I’ve only seen pics, but I wish he hasn’t sold it!!! At the same time, it doesn’t work with our lifestyle, we relocated a lot, we’ve never had a great place to store it, it would have added expense we couldn’t afford at times and there would have been so many times we would have been tempted to sell it and use the money for something else.

[tacokick]

Jun 30, 2021 12:00:22 GMT -5 fela said:

Jun 30, 2021 10:51:11 GMT -5 tacokick said:

Is the truck really bringing anyone joy or is his father just the complaining type? Some people are just grumbly.

I would think most fathers would want their kids so sell something that isn’t of use and worth 40k and could make their lives easier. Take some pictures, get a sketch made and sell it. I’m not seeing what value it is adding to anyone’s life sitting in the yard. You’re the parents of young children and it’s not even safe to ride in. Let it go! It doesn’t fit your life now.

FIL is a little complainy for sure. But, he’s struggling with getting older. Most of his friends have passed away and he’s often annoyed by his family (aren’t we all sometimes). He’s just a little morbid/mopey - and maybe he has a right to be!

I think if H had sold the truck quickly after their initial conversation (when FIL was supportive) this may have played out differently. He might have had some sadness, but it would be done. But instead months went by, now the truck is ready to sell and DH has been talking to FIL about options, asking his advice, etc - I think in an effort to make his dad still feel included. But I think it may have had an unintended consequence in that it gave FIL more time to dwell and now he sees a chance to “keep it in the family”? I don’t want to run him down at all - he’s a very nice man and a good dad/grandfather.

If it was me, I would go over how much money it’s worth and how much that can mean for a family with small children either as a safety net or to do any projects around the house.

I’d have a hard time keeping a $40k lawn ornament around that isn’t even safe to ride in. He doesn’t even seem to use it. Your kids are 15+ years out from driving. Who knows if it would interest them or even make it that long. Don’t you have to insure it? Have upkeep to keep it driveable? That’s a lot of work for a what if.

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 14:02:08 GMT -5 sadlebred said:

Have him sell half of his truck or whatever his share is to a relative that cares about it. The truck stays in the family. Problem solved.

This would be ideal, but no one else wants it 🤷‍♀️. It was H and FIL’s pet project.

[momof2]

There is also nothing wrong with saying “I think it is totally dumb to keep $40k tied up in a car you don’t drive and our kids cannot ride in.”

I’m confused by the level you seem to need to tiptoe around this. Is your relationship like this a lot? Or are you really just somehow caught up in this FIL thing?

[fela]

Jun 30, 2021 15:17:49 GMT -5 momof2 said:

There is also nothing wrong with saying “I think it is totally dumb to keep $40k tied up in a car you don’t drive and our kids cannot ride in.”

I’m confused by the level you seem to need to tiptoe around this. Is your relationship like this a lot? Or are you really just somehow caught up in this FIL thing?

Fair question! No, I don’t think this is representative of our normal dynamic at all. We communicate well and are usually either on the same page or able to compromise. This is really the first time we are not aligned, especially on something so big. And yes the FIL thing is what’s giving me the most pause. If the truck had nothing to do with FIL and was “just” a hobby I would have a very different reaction.

[aspentosh]

Oof, that's hard. I think it would be a much easier pill to swallow if it were a $5-10k car. Or if it were worth $40k but it was used somewhat regularly. But yeah, $40k for something to sit and not be used or worked on (to build memories) seems wasteful. But I am not so sentimental about a lot of things.

If it were me, I'd do a photo shoot once the baby comes, invite your FIL, and then talk to my H about selling. If he was still super duper against it and other financial goals were being met, I would try (really really hard) to let it go. But honestly, holding onto something like that isn't something I could see him doing, and his dad passed away unexpectedly years ago.

But yeah, this is tough.

[SusanBAnthony]

I am super annoyed by random crap from relatives sitting around that we don't use and yet somehow we are guilted into keeping so I would have no patience for keeping the truck.

My h can't make a decision to get rid of stuff to save his life and with that much money on the line I wouldn't just let it go.

I would probably tell FIL and SIL that they are welcome to buy the truck if they want it, but otherwise it needs to be sold, and that they need to stop with the guilt trips if they don't want it enough to buy it themselves.

Most of GBCN always says to respect your spouse's feelings about stuff like this, but I'm like nah, I refuse to live in a house/garage stuffed full of crap, which is what would happen if my H kept everything that ever passed through his hands lol. And I've told him that directly and he would rather stay married to me and deal with me"making" him get rid of stuff.

[winecat]

I'm curious about the year/make/model! I own a vintage air cooled VW. People get really emotionally attached to these cars. The guy I bought it from owned it for 20 years. He interviewed everyone who wanted to buy it and picked me since I was going to use it and not flip it or hoard it amongst my other VWs. I bought it for work and I have drunk some of the kool-aid. But even with all the work and money I've put into it, it's only somewhat reliable. But I think that's a VW thing.

I don't have any real good advice other than I get how emotionally attached people get to classic cars. Until I owned one, I didn't get it. Owning one makes zero logical or financial sense. You might bet $40k for it but all the money and hours spent over the years, makes that dollar figure a poor investment. If your H and FIL get to be emotional about this, own the emotion surrounding the money coming from your inheritance. Keep it separate and you do you with it until you figure it out. It sounds like you're in good shape and can take a step back.

[waverly]

For 40k I would tell him to sell it. That’s a lot of money to our family, and DH is a high earner and we live in MCOL and that’s still a lot of money.

I do understand not wanting him to resent you though.

I also don’t understand why he can’t visit FIL. Yes you have a young child but why can’t your H hop on a plane a do a weekend thing by himself? Yes plane schedules are kind of crazy right now. But if everyone is missing each other and you all live in the US then I would make the effort to see each other. A plane ticket for one person would be a lot less than 40k.

If you’ll live closer I would say make an effort for DH and FIL to drive the truck maybe weekly out to Sunday breakfast or something but sounds like that is not possible. If you all lived closer and wanted to make memories I could maybe understand keeping it a bit longer, but to keep it 10 years for a child to ride in it a couple of times doesn’t make sense.

[fela]

Jul 1, 2021 8:32:18 GMT -5 waverly said:

For 40k I would tell him to sell it. That’s a lot of money to our family, and DH is a high earner and we live in MCOL and that’s still a lot of money.

I do understand not wanting him to resent you though.

I also don’t understand why he can’t visit FIL. Yes you have a young child but why can’t your H hop on a plane a do a weekend thing by himself? Yes plane schedules are kind of crazy right now. But if everyone is missing each other and you all live in the US then I would make the effort to see each other. A plane ticket for one person would be a lot less than 40k.

If you’ll live closer I would say make an effort for DH and FIL to drive the truck maybe weekly out to Sunday breakfast or something but sounds like that is not possible. If you all lived closer and wanted to make memories I could maybe understand keeping it a bit longer, but to keep it 10 years for a child to ride in it a couple of times doesn’t make sense.

He has taken a few weekends to go visit - in fact very very recently he went for a weekend to a family event, unfortunately FIL backed out of going at the last minute. But for the rest of the pregnancy there are reasons (I won’t go into specifics) that I won’t be able to care for DS by myself. And FIL can’t/won’t travel on his own to us. MIL is not welcome currently due to some crazy BS she pulled earlier in the pandemic (that sounds super dramatic - it’s nothing earth shattering but it’s best we have a break for a while). So for a little while there is a pause on visits, but it won’t last forever.

[waverly]

I didn’t realize you are also pregnant. That makes sense.

I’m sure there is a reason why FIL backed out but if he really wanted to see his family he could have attended.

Anyway, I’m team sell the truck. But I do understand going about it delicately. I think my DH would agree with me on this, but I can see why one wouldn’t. We are long past the point of having family dictate to us what to do. That’s just where we are right now.

[momof2]

Wait, your FIL doesn’t even live near this truck? Nor does he own half the truck?

You need to stop talking to this man about the truck and just sell it.

[krystee]

I was on board with keeping it until I realized your FIL doesn’t even live locally to enjoy it. What the heck?!

I think I would suggest that either H actively use and enjoy the truck or, if it is not going to be used:
1. Schedule a family photo shoot that incorporates the truck in a scenic environment, with a framed copy for FIL. (Is there a photo of FIL with the truck anywhere? If so, maybe one of those bifold frames with one side of the FIL photo and one of your family.)
2. A custom ornament of the truck for both FIL and your H
(Like this, but with a car instead of the house: www.etsy.com/listing/635443870/personalized-winter-ornament-holiday?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=custom+house+ornamenr&ref=sr_gallery-1-7&organic_search_click=1&frs=1&etp=1)

Keeping a sentimental item wouldn’t bother me if it was well loved and used. But him going back on a promise for an item that first cost us an additional $4K and then just sat in the garage would frustrate me.

[jlt19]

If he won't sell it now, he may not sell if after FIL is gone.

This is on a MUCH smaller level, but when I was 5, we went to Disney and my dad bought a big stuffed Mickey. Like 3 feet tall or something insane. Not even for me or my sister, but for himself I guess? It sat in his bedroom for 25+ years until one day one of my kids liked it so much, he gave it to her or him. Well, now we're moving and downsizing a LOT. My sister has a 4 year old so I told her either she takes Mickey, Dad takes Mickey back, or Mickey's getting the boot. Because I know me, and if I still have Mickey once my dad passes away, I'll have Mickey forever. So, he's got to go because I do NOT want this thing forever. And it's not worth a penny!

[Roc A Bee]

I’d tell DH to sell the truck and don’t tell his dad. No one gets to dictate that we keep a truck when they don’t use it or pay for it.

Also it will only be harder for your DH to sell once his dad is gone.

[fela]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond and share different perspectives - it was really helpful to read and gave me a lot to think about!

DH is currently washing the truck to take it to some nearby show for a couple hours. I hope to talk to him tonight about his plans, how it will impact us, my thoughts on my inheritance, etc. Hopefully the fireworks don’t spook our dog too badly and we can talk in peace!

[fela]

Just a small update since so many of you were kind enough to weigh in and give me advice!

DH has not sold the truck, but has mentioned several times that he is going to. However, he also follows some car auctions and recent sales of the same make/model and says the prices are going up significantly. So that makes him think we should hold on to it longer. Whenever he brings it up I just listen and say it’s his decision and I will support whatever.

I did have a convo with him about my inheritance and my general thoughts on using it for something my relative would have valued, and not to rebuild savings. He is totally supportive of that.

FIL came up last weekend with the rest of the family for our son’s 2nd birthday. He got to visit with the truck, and he and DH again spoke about selling it. FIL says the thought makes him a little sad but that he understands why DH wants to sell it and is supportive. When DH told me this I will own that my private thoughts were “sure, but that’s what he said before!”. However I just reiterated again that it’s his decision to make. I did recommend that, should he really move forward and sell the truck, he probably shouldn’t loop FIL in until it’s all done.

So, we’ll see. It’s a bit of deja vu for me right now!

[dr.girlfriend]

Thanks for the update, I've actually been wondering! :-D

[flygirl]

Thanks for the update but I think you’re stuck with that truck forever. If your FIL passes away there is no way your H will sell it and then it will be something special for your kids that was special to their grandfather…and if he does sell it and your FIL passes away shortly after, he’s still going to be mad at you in my opinion because otherwise he would have followed through with the agreement….good luck.

[namasteak]

Oct 20, 2021 17:45:17 GMT -5 fela said:

I did have a convo with him about my inheritance and my general thoughts on using it for something my relative would have valued, and not to rebuild savings. He is totally supportive of that.

This is slightly off topic but I wanted to chime in about this part. We used my inheritance to do things my mom would have valued & that feels good. 

[fela]

Oct 21, 2021 10:49:53 GMT -5 flygirl said:

Thanks for the update but I think you’re stuck with that truck forever. If your FIL passes away there is no way your H will sell it and then it will be something special for your kids that was special to their grandfather…and if he does sell it and your FIL passes away shortly after, he’s still going to be mad at you in my opinion because otherwise he would have followed through with the agreement….good luck.

You may be right! I figure if DH doesn’t sell it now, after the most recent convo with FIL, he probably won’t ever sell. I think he’d feel way too guilty selling it after FIL passes - and hopefully that won’t be for a long time! We will see - I’m keeping my lips zipped.

[fela]

Oct 21, 2021 12:19:04 GMT -5 namasteak said:

Oct 20, 2021 17:45:17 GMT -5 fela said:

I did have a convo with him about my inheritance and my general thoughts on using it for something my relative would have valued, and not to rebuild savings. He is totally supportive of that.

This is slightly off topic but I wanted to chime in about this part. We used my inheritance to do things my mom would have valued & that feels good. 

I appreciate hearing this! I haven’t thought much about how to use it beyond what I don’t want to do, but I should receive in 4-6 months so I still have time! I’ll probably make a separate thread.

Sorry about your mom 😥

[namasteak]

Oct 25, 2021 14:54:31 GMT -5 fela said:

Oct 21, 2021 12:19:04 GMT -5 namasteak said:

This is slightly off topic but I wanted to chime in about this part. We used my inheritance to do things my mom would have valued & that feels good. 

I appreciate hearing this! I haven’t thought much about how to use it beyond what I don’t want to do, but I should receive in 4-6 months so I still have time! I’ll probably make a separate thread.

Sorry about your mom 😥

Thank you <3 I can't believe its been a year since we found out and 10 months since she passed. 

Having time to make a decision with the money was very helpful. We received it about 5 months after I found out I would be receiving it. Since I didn't think I would get anything it was a big surprise to get 5 figures so we told ourselves that we couldn't make a decision for at least 6 months after finding out about it.