Disliking the parents of your kid's friends?

[redheadbaker]

How do you handle it when you dislike the parents of your kid's friend(s)? 

DS is friends with a kid at school, I'll call him M. Wants to invite him to go to the swim club with us (we can bring up to 4 guests at once), wants to invite him to his birthday party (not until November). I strongly dislike M's parents. 

Short version: DS and M were in the same class at school, local public school. There are three classes per grade at this school. Two of the classroom parents wanted to organize a charity event for the kids -- asking the kids to bring in diapers and other supplies. The charity? A crisis pregnancy center. I asked if, in the future, we could donate to a secular organization. I didn't even ask to cancel this drive. 

A few parents most emphatically did NOT want to choose an alternate organization. The third classroom parent brought it to the attention of the principal, who canceled the drive. All the parents who wanted to do this blamed me. 

One guy (M's dad) in particular was very nasty about my objections, even going so far as to question my mental health. 

Thread about the encounter as it happened is here: pandce.proboards.com/thread/616517/classroom-collecting-donations-religious-charity

[af1212]

I wouldn’t not invite the kid but I wouldn’t try to hang out with his parents. The pool I would probably skip but the bday party is a group thing right? So I would invite him. You don’t really have to interact with the parents much if at all.

There is a mom who is really mean to me and lives two doors down and also her kid is in my Girl Scout troop. I still am nice to the kid even though her mom is awful to me, but I never put myself in a situation where I’m alone with the kid.

[erbear]

My dd has some friends whose parents I don’t really like. I just invite the kids to stuff and make polite small talk at pickup and drop off. I don’t invite families to stuff unless I like them all.

[court26]

I struggle with this all of the time with DD. Some issues I have cut the family off completely and other kiddos I’m fine with her seeing the kiddo but avoid the parents. It’s all hard and a challenge to explain without making kids worry about adult worries.

[sandandsea]

How old are the kids? Are you willing to supervise all kids and make it a drop off party? We started drop off parties in second grade and it’s been nice to not always have to stay if we are otherwise busy.

[noodleoo]

I can’t tell which parent from your story is M’s parent. Is it the nasty guy? That would suck. I’d limit inviting M to things where he can be dropped off and you can mostly avoid the parents. Like no to the pool, but probably yes to the bday party assuming your kid really likes M or you are inviting the whole class.

I remember when you first posted about the charity thing and it really bothered me. Completely inappropriate. I was glad you spoke up about it.

[loira]

Fuck that pregnancy crisis shit and burn it all down. Going back to read the rest of your post now.

ETA: okay, I have no advice on what to do about the wastes of space that are this kid's parents, but thank you for fighting the good fight. Limit any invitations that might include them? This is a hard one.

[gretchenindisguise]

The kids of parents I dislike often are also unlikeable. Apple falling from the tree and whatnot.

If this kid is the exception, they could play at my house under my watch. My kid would not go there.

[pittpurple]

Drop off parties are the best. And who knows? You might 'save' this kid from only having people like his parents as examples of adulthood.
But there's no chance my kid is going there.

[penguingrrl]

I generally don’t go out of my way to make plans with kids if their parents are assholes, and there have been a few along the way that I’ve told my kids can be “school friends” but we won’t likely see outside of school. I’ve found that by middle school those friendships generally ran their course because the kids eventually figured out that they didn’t have much in common and have very different values.

[redheadbaker]

Jul 6, 2021 22:39:19 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

I can’t tell which parent from your story is M’s parent. Is it the nasty guy? That would suck. I’d limit inviting M to things where he can be dropped off and you can mostly avoid the parents. Like no to the pool, but probably yes to the bday party assuming your kid really likes M or you are inviting the whole class.

I remember when you first posted about the charity thing and it really bothered me. Completely inappropriate. I was glad you spoke up about it.

Sorry, yes, M's parent is the nasty guy. 

[redheadbaker]

Jul 6, 2021 21:07:03 GMT -5 sandandsea said:

How old are the kids? Are you willing to supervise all kids and make it a drop off party? We started drop off parties in second grade and it’s been nice to not always have to stay if we are otherwise busy.

We haven't even discussed what kind of party to have yet! DS likes to plan ahead, LOL. 

[tacokick]

Since the dad is the one who questioned your mental health and is described as a “bully” by your acquaintances, I would not feel comfortable being in charge of this kid anywhere. I would maybe invite him to the birthday party if it is out somewhere and other people would be there but I wouldn’t invite him to your home or a place where there is some increased risk like swimming.

That was a really outsized reaction to a school charity event and I’d worry that the kid would go home and innocently say you didn’t watch him at the pool or that he scraped his knee and they would go off.

Have they invited your kid over? They might not even let him hang out with your kid.

I think it’s okay to have friends who are just school friends. We had friends who we weren’t allowed to see outside of school when we were younger because of their family situation. It was fine. In later years we became closer because their parents didn’t need to be involved.

[noodleoo]

Jul 7, 2021 8:27:46 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

Jul 6, 2021 22:39:19 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

I can’t tell which parent from your story is M’s parent. Is it the nasty guy? That would suck. I’d limit inviting M to things where he can be dropped off and you can mostly avoid the parents. Like no to the pool, but probably yes to the bday party assuming your kid really likes M or you are inviting the whole class.

I remember when you first posted about the charity thing and it really bothered me. Completely inappropriate. I was glad you spoke up about it.

Sorry, yes, M's parent is the nasty guy. 

Ugh, that stinks. My kid just finished K, so pretty much all get togethers involve us interacting with the parents. I've noticed myself steering DD towards the kids whose parents I like. I'm glad to hear from others that they do the same. I figure if I like the parents, there is also a better chance that the kid will be a decent kid too. It will be interesting to see how DD's friendships play out as she gets older and the parents are less involved.

Anyway, these people sound particularly terrible so I would have no issue or feel guilty at all about minimizing invitations to M. I agree with the PP too who said I wouldn't want to be responsible for their kid since if anything happened, they could blame you.

[ECB]

I would invite the kid over only in situations where the parents don't need to be there.

[rebneen]

Probably cool for group stuff like the birthday party, but I’d minimize 1:1 with him and your kid. That dad was such a giant asshole that I wouldn’t want to nurture any kind of relationship - it’s a relationship with the whole family when you have young kids.

I am guilty of steering my kid toward kids whose parents I like. Luckily it has worked out without any backlash but I just talk up the other kid and tell my DS to hang out with him/her after I introduce them and ask if he wants to do an activity or have a play date with so-and-so and won’t suggest anyone with parents I don’t like.

[felicity]

I think this is way beyond just disliking parents of your kids friends. In a normal situation of just not really liking them, it's fine to just invite the kid without the parents. But, this is really more of what to do when the parents are irrational bullies and talk shit about you. I would not let my kid play with theirs outside of school. What is M like? I'd worry he'd pick up some of his dad's behaviors. I wouldn't be doing anything to foster that friendship.

Also, I read through your OP about it, and OMG that whole thing was terrible! I'm actually mad at that third room mom for not speaking up saying it was her. Putting it on you saying you could say it was her if you want is shitty. She should have spoken up, but of course it was easier for her if you took the fall.

[waverly]

If someone questions my mental health I won’t be inviting the kid to anything. Exception being a class wide party where the school requires everyone in the class being invited if I hand out invitations at school. My kids have aged out of that so future parties will just be a small friend group or their scout group.

[redheadbaker]

Jul 8, 2021 7:07:56 GMT -5 felicity said:

I think this is way beyond just disliking parents of your kids friends. In a normal situation of just not really liking them, it's fine to just invite the kid without the parents. But, this is really more of what to do when the parents are irrational bullies and talk shit about you. I would not let my kid play with theirs outside of school. What is M like? I'd worry he'd pick up some of his dad's behaviors. I wouldn't be doing anything to foster that friendship.

I don't really know anything about how their kid behaves. I've never met him.