Friends and bossy kid

[isabel]

I’m hoping you guys have some sage advice for me because I feel kind of shitty about how I handled a situation this morning with DS1.

He’s in first grade, fourth day of school. When we got there this morning as I was walking him toward the building, he told me his two friends in his class aren’t really playing with him. I told him I was sorry and that must hurt and encouraged him to find other kids to play with. I told him he could also approach his friends and ask to play with them. He then said that he didn’t want to play what they were playing and they wouldn’t do what he wanted. I got frustrated because this is an ongoing theme with him. DH and I have tried to explain that kids won’t want to play with him if he’s constantly telling other kids what to do and I think this is that scenario playing out a little bit.

I told him to try today to just play with people and do what they want without telling other people what to do. He got kind of upset, I was frustrated. I basically gave him a hug and sent him into the building. I feel really bad that he started his day upset about our conversation and that I contributed to that.

Any advice for how to help him navigate his desire to control things as it relates to making friends? I don’t think I’m coming at it from the most empathetic standpoint right now because I find it so frustrating that he (in my view) won’t play with kids because they won’t do what he wants but then complains about it.

[macmars45]

My only child DS(5) starts kinder in 2 weeks. He's bossy no matter how much H & I talk this subject to death with him. I'm not very empathetic with DS on this. I show empathy for the other kids in this scenario in my conversations with my DS. I tell DS he's being rude and hurting other kids' feelings when he's bossy like that. I also add that other kids won't want to play with him if there isn't give and take of turns, toys and ideas.

[noodleoo]

Following for advice. My kid will be in 1st in a few weeks and she's bossy too. It drives me nuts. There is a neighborhood kid who is also really bossy and DD1 has said sometimes she doesn't like to play with her because of it. I try to use that as an example, but she still doesn't get it! I will say the neighbor is older and I see her getting better, so I'm guessing they will learn over time and maybe it is an age/development thing.

[thebreakfastclub]

I think the natural consequences will present themselves at school. Ultimately you can't control it, so I think I would drop it. They are living their own little lives at school.

My son is entering 3rd but I would say 1st was really where I started to hear about different kids not getting along anymore.

Some boys were bossy or tried to direct who played with who. I think the other kids were pretty vocal in opposition. It seemed to work itself out.

[DarcyLongfellow]

My youngest can be bossy too. Basically, any time she talks about someone not wanting to play with her, we talk about how that person might not want to play with her because he/she doesn't want to be bossed around.

We focus on "how do you feel when you're playing with someone and they only want to do what they want/won't listen to you." Then remind her that she's doing that to other people.

It helps a bit that my DD's best friend is from a family we're super close with and see all the time. When DD is being bossy around her BFF and I'm there, I am able to talk to the BFF and help her to stand up for herself and tell DD that she's hurting her feelings.

We're lucky that even though DD is bossy, she hates to hurt anyone's feelings and doesn't want anyone to be upset. So we just have to keep working with her to make the connection between those hurt feelings and her own behavior.

I think things are getting better (she's in 3rd grade). There were definitely times in 1st and 2nd grade where natural consequences helped -- friends at school would tell her she was bossy and that they weren't going to play with her.

[goldengirlz]

I think you did exactly the right thing. I try not to get overly invested in playground antics because like noodleoo said, it’s partly developmental and also, these things tend work themselves out. Six months later, the “problem” has disappeared (and been replaced by something else!) They’re still learning social skills and sometimes it has to feel uncomfortable for them before they change — and we can’t protect them.

We’ve had issues where DD was on the receiving end of what you describe — except instead of just going off and leaving her alone, the bossy kid would get angry and call her terrible names if she didn’t do what he wanted to do. That was a problem, of course. But merely opting not to play and taking it in stride seems like a pretty normal reaction for your DS.

[aspentosh]

My DD is a little older (9.5y) but I've always emphasized looking at things from other kid's views. If they always got to choose what they did, or made the rules up, how would she feel? And then that would continue into a conversation about give and take. We've practiced things like "Can I pick the first game and you choose the second?" or "How about you choose what we did now and I can choose something later?" And also suggesting things vs being forceful. Using "how about" or "what do you think".

But as others have said, it's developmentally appropriate. I just hate seeing any kid get railroaded (my kid or others) but I see this type of thing playing out ALLLLLL the time.

[outnumbered]

I will echo what others have said, this is developmentally appropriate behavior. Just like riding a bike social skills are learned. aspentosh, has some great advice about how you can help your son be a better playmate. I would also rope the teacher in, I am sure there are many social skills conversations that occur during morning meeting (circle time). He/she could include discussions about give and take, empathy etc.

Another thing to consider is that bossiness sometimes stems from anxiety. The child wants to control the outcome or the situation because they are nervous.

[ECB]

Eh - We’re going to tell our kids things they don’t want to hear - it’s a part of parenting. I wouldn’t feel too bad about that, tbh.

Past that, you pointed out why this may be happening. I’d just step back now and let him think about it and process it.

[isabel]

Aug 17, 2021 10:19:17 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

I think the natural consequences will present themselves at school. Ultimately you can't control it, so I think I would drop it. They are living their own little lives at school.

My son is entering 3rd but I would say 1st was really where I started to hear about different kids not getting along anymore.

Some boys were bossy or tried to direct who played with who. I think the other kids were pretty vocal in opposition. It seemed to work itself out.

Are you telling me to stop bossing around my bossy kid? Lol. 🤣

But seriously, this is good advice. I’m going to try to talk to him one more time about it and then lend and ear and remind him gently going forward.

[isabel]

Aug 17, 2021 13:10:42 GMT -5 ECB said:

Eh - We’re going to tell our kids things they don’t want to hear - it’s a part of parenting. I wouldn’t feel too bad about that, tbh.

Past that, you pointed out why this may be happening. I’d just step back now and let him think about it and process it.

To be clear, I don’t feel bad about telling him something he doesn’t want to hear. But I didn’t handle it well in that I got kind of harsh and was like “it doesn’t matter that you don’t want to do what they want to do, if you don’t want do what others are doing then I guess you won’t have anyone to play with.” I just didn’t handle it well in terms of being calm and helping him understand (but this also all happened a minute before he needed to walk into the building). It just sucks that he started his day that way. I also think I need to do a better job of letting him come up with solutions now. I should have asked him what he thinks he can do instead of giving him the answer.

Parenting is hard. Lol

[isabel]

Aug 17, 2021 11:54:47 GMT -5 aspentosh said:

My DD is a little older (9.5y) but I've always emphasized looking at things from other kid's views. If they always got to choose what they did, or made the rules up, how would she feel? And then that would continue into a conversation about give and take. We've practiced things like "Can I pick the first game and you choose the second?" or "How about you choose what we did now and I can choose something later?" And also suggesting things vs being forceful. Using "how about" or "what do you think".

But as others have said, it's developmentally appropriate. I just hate seeing any kid get railroaded (my kid or others) but I see this type of thing playing out ALLLLLL the time.

Thanks for this. I’ll try incorporating some of this and talk about the language he’s using.

[lynn07]

My middle kid is almost 11 and has always been the bossiest of my 3. On one hand, I’ve seen the natural consequences play out when other kids don’t want to be told what to do and he ends up being left out. I see this most often when they play with the neighborhood kids because some of them are older than him and won’t be bossed around by a younger kid. On the other hand, the kid has so. many. friends. at school. His peers are attracted to his bossiness a bit, I guess, because he always has some grand plans about what they’re going to play and everyone joins in.

I guess what I’m saying is I’ve seen it level itself out some with time without much input from us. He seems to know now that if he’s wanting to direct the play, it’s not going to happen as often with the neighborhood kids and he knows he either plays what they want to play or he can sit out (which he chooses to do sometimes). At school, he’s learned to use it in more of a “leader-y” way. He’s big on negotiating and fairness, so I think that helps. Every once in awhile I still remind him that people don’t have to listen to him and point out that some kids will choose not to play with him if he can’t compromise.

[sdlaura]

I think this is a really common issue and I don't have advice beyond talking about what you're already talking about. We also have this book which deals with the same issue:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVYJFnDheuw

[186momx]

We've dealt with this almost every year of school. It just gets more complex as they get older. My normal advice is if X doesn't want to play ABC with you that is okay. Just like it is okay that you don't want to play XYZ with X. You can go swing, jump rope, or join with someone else.

In 3rd it got so bad between her and X and Y that the counselor got involved. He told the 3 girls they couldn't play together for a whole week to see if that would help them listen to each other better. Then COVID shut us down and they haven't gone back to school together yet.

[heygrey]

Aug 17, 2021 9:42:56 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

My only child DS(5) starts kinder in 2 weeks. He's bossy no matter how much H & I talk this subject to death with him. I'm not very empathetic with DS on this. I show empathy for the other kids in this scenario in my conversations with my DS. I tell DS he's being rude and hurting other kids' feelings when he's bossy like that. I also add that other kids won't want to play with him if there isn't give and take of turns, toys and ideas.

Same. DS is 7.5, going into grade 2. I have zero empathy for him on this and I'm not super nice about it. We had a little mantra we'd say in the car on the way to school and it definitely included "I am not the boss." 

We moved last fall. He was the oldest kid in our old neighbourhood, now he's one of the youngest and I love it. The kids are outside playing and he doesn't get his way very much. 

[fancynewbeesly]

DD and one of her friends were like that. It drove me crazy. They were both bossy. But DD would have no problem playing separately by herself if they didn’t agree with her. Then her friend would get upset that they weren’t playing together. It was rough. Eventually they grew out of it.