Need help sorting out my September/ dad/ other stuff

[waverly]

1. My dad wants me to visit.  He is a 5 hour drive.   But I think he wants to see me because he thinks he is going back to Columbia in December.  So obviously I am not for that.  Our last conversation was problematic, and my sister said her last 3 with him were, and she was about to tell him off.  Should I visit or hold off?  Because I feel like I will spend all this time and money, and we will just get in a fight.  Basically, he thinks nothing is wrong with him anymore and he is taking back control of his life, and if we don't move him out of assisted living (we are trying to find a month to month rental per his request) then he will just leave and live in a hotel.  I just feel like he is going through his to do list instead of him really caring about anyone.  It's like an over planning anxiety thing for him that causes drama for everyone else because it's not chill.  He is probably 80% there, but it's still not 100% in terms of caring for himself.  Oh and his friends guaranteed do not want him back in Columbia.  He only had 1 friend, so no one else there cared anyway (besides an ex girlfriend that didn't live in the area and couldn't help anyway, and she always said he needs to be in the U.S.).  

2. My sister's FIL has passed away, and they are having a memorial for them.  The problem is again the long drive, but also maskless and not vaccinated means in my mind a super spreader event.  Her family is either vaccinated or already have Covid, so they don't care.  But my family has 2 kids that are too young to get vaccinated.  Would you attend? 

3. Every weekend has soccer and scouts stuff now.  I was planning to hunker down and just do those kinds of things.  I am free labor day weekend, but I also work one of the days that weekend, so I'm only free 2 days and not 3.  2 of the weekends, my sister is busy with work or shutting down the vacation house, and the other weekend is the memorial.  I want to be of help to her, but maybe avoiding the drama of the memorial and my dad is better?  I could plan on the last weekend in September or first in October, but maybe that is too late to help her.  Also not sure how much help I would be if she is busy the next 3 weekends anyway.  

[mommyatty]

1. No. You managed to get his sorry ass out of Columbia at great personal and monetary expense to you. If I visited, it would be to tell him that next time I would let him die there if he goes back. You can do that by phone. I’m so annoyed on your behalf that he’s even considering it.

2. Oh hell no. A sibling’s in law is too far removed for me to risk my kids’ health during a pandemic. It’s not like anyone is going to notice if you’re not there. There will be too much drama around who did and didn’t attend among blood relatives.

3. I’m not clear on what your sister wants you to do, if anything. If there are actual tasks, find out what they are and see if it can work into your schedule. Otherwise, no. I’m not rearranging life for a vague “be of help.”

[waverly]

1. I did tell him that I was not rescuing him again (via phone). He did pay me back for the travel expenses which were almost 4500, but of course he can't pay me back for the stress/ time.

2. I have a feeling this event will have a lot of drama. They were talking inappropriate politics at my grandma's funeral. I am sure I would get shit, if I did go, and we wore masks. So that is another reason not to go.

3. I am not sure me being there in person would be a help. She is taking him to get his phone on Thursday, and she has some time off to move him but it is during the week when I am working anyway. So I guess, just help finding him a place to stay. I called the senior living apartment place, and they don't do month to month and had no apartments. Dad suggested she call the VA. I can assist with phone calls from here, but she might be the better person to call the agencies because she has talked to them before. I'll check back in on what phone calls she wants me to make. I just don't know who does month to month leases.

ETA- I made some of the phone calls, so I can at least feel somewhat useful.

[polecat8]

waverly, I think you should skip the visits. It's not worth the drama.

Also, get your sister to make a list of tasks and share it with you. Anything you can do from afar (like phone calls), do them. Anything that your sister can't do, try to hire someone else to do them (like moving). Around here in PA, there used to be a service that you could call that would scope out senior living/nursing homes based on the senior's needs, cash flow, and availability. Is there anything like that by your dad?

[waverly]

polecat8, hmm maybe a real estate agent. The aging agency sent me a list of places, so I forwarded that to her. I found one place the sounds like they will do month to month. But that place will likely be all his money. And then there are some that would be like $600. So that is a major difference. But one would have support if needed (medicine and meals) and one would not.

[k3am]

1. I would consider seeing him. I'm not sure that I would though. I wouldn't take family with me. I wouldn't discuss the future, plans, etc. Just a visit for the sake of visiting. I'm honestly viewing this from my shoes with my mom. I have zero desire to go see her, I spend most of the time being yelled at, and it is an overall miserable trip (although I do enjoy portions of it). But she is my mom. She wiped my ass and cared for me for all of my life, and the mean person left behind isn't her fault.

Is there any way you can fly? That's about the same distance for me (the drive takes anywhere from 4.5-7 hours), or I can fly and my mom's house in about 3 hours, assuming no flight delays. With the benefit of having a precise time that I need to leave at. I'd even consider flying in and out the same day. (I'm a bit spoiled because our airport is ~20 mins from me, and the airport I fly into is ~20 mins from my mom's house, so it may not be an option for you).

2. I'd pass, unless you were particularly close. Or if I did chose to go to be there for my sister, I'd leave DH and the kids at home with whatever excuse I found necessary. I assume your kids aren't particularly close to FIL.

3. This is all you. You either have the time, or you don't. And if you have the time, you either want to spend it with your sister, or you don't.

[waverly]

1/2. I had suggested going by myself, but DH kept giving me weird side eye looks at that. Not sure why.

Our closest airport is 20 minutes, but then where it lands is more like 45 minutes and someone would have to pick me up unless I rent a car which is possible (rental car shortages?)


3. I think I would like to see my sister, but she works all weekend labor day weekend, then she has the memorial and dealing with that drama, then she is going up to the vacation home and closing it up. So I think it's more like she is busy, so why would I go to see her if she isn't available (and then make the kids miss soccer/ scouts etc unless I went by myself).

Part of me is just wanting to be helpful to her, so I have made some progress already this morning. I found one place that has apartments and will do month to month. I also sent her a list from the aging agency, so hopefully that is enough to get her on the right track. She is unsure whether he needs more support and is asking the home healthcare company to do an assessment. I am over it because of his attitude, and just like put him somewhere.

[sandandsea]

1. I’d go visit if it were me. Just me, not the family. I think too you get a better idea of how someone is actually doing when you visit for a couple of days vs phone calls or hearing from someone else. Id also tell him there’s no way he should go back to Colombia in his condition. He may be fine 80% of the time but the 20% is a huge concern. Also are there any groups he can join locally to start to build a life here? He’s probably feeling isolated and lonely so the thought of going back to a friend is comforting and appealing.
2. No way. Send condolences and a meal to be delivered and call it a day.

[waverly]

Mini update: My sister is having a nurse come out to evaluate him. Also, the nurse is getting a social worker involved in placement. In my limited experience, social work was not that great, but even if they just give us another lists of places that could be helpful ish. I think I had higher hopes for the social work field, but I think all they might do is give lists? (correct me if they do anything else).  I should add, I am meaning hospital social workers here.  

His argument was all home services have finished, and PT would finish Sept 8. But, actually PT has said they want to extend it, so his argument is not super valid right now anymore.

ETA- I tried to call him today, and the home never picked up.  Which is fine because it is a cell phone, and sometimes there are signal problems or the staff is busy taking care of the patients.  I was going to provide him with an update, but I am glad I didn't since it has changed.  

[k3am]

waverly, were his mental/reasoning issues causes by his physical condition and since resolved? If he is back to being competent, he's a grown ass man. I would... let him go. With the caveat that if he ends up having another medical emergency, I'm not flying to Columbia or arranging transport. If he choses to go back to Columbia, he can deal with whatever medical options they have/don't have there. If his mental capacity isn't there, I think you can force the issue, but I'm honestly not 100% clear where he stands in that regard.

[waverly]

k3am , I would guess he is at 75-80% capacity. The nurse eval and social worker is to see where he is at and evaluate. He is not fully recovered.

The choices are: 1. Stay where he is, 2. Senior apartment possibly with medicine reminders. The apartment has a cafeteria. 3. Fully in his own apartment.

He wants to move to a hotel. BTW, he threatens this at every moment. Like he was going to leave the hospital in Columbia and just walk away, but he couldn't walk, and there were riots just outside, and Covid, but whatever. 

Moving to another country, for me, is not an option because the healthcare sucks there, and even if I do say I am not rescuing him, who do you think his friends are going to call when he is sick there? Us. So either way, we'll still be dealing with it even if it is moving his dead body back to the states.  If it comes to that, I will tell his friends to tell him not to come.  They don't want to deal with all this again either- waves hands.  And like I said, he only has 1 true friend there.  He's a great guy, but he doesn't need to spend his life caring for my dad.  No other friends answered our emails, or live in the area.  

I would be OK with Florida for the winter, if he can handle his own stuff by December. December is when he wants to leave because apparently his lifestyle no longer includes winter (mini eyeroll).  And there are plenty of VA hospitals and services down there.  

[waverly]

Update # 7568

His electronics have been a total mess. He wrote down all his passwords and they were all old and didn’t work.

Sister was finally able to get into pension (to increase VA benefits). Yahoo account and Google account. She found the password for Apple ID but it has 2 factor authentication. 1 goes to Google and the other to the phone. He doesn’t know the password for his iPhone or iPad. But Apple said they can put his new phone number in there. He is buying a new phone Thursday.

Making progress! He was using his phone in Columbia so I thought he knew his password and he just didn’t…