how to know if a therapist/therapy is a good fit?

[cricketwife]

I have never had therapy before until recently.  I went through my employer's EAP.  I'm generally burned out, but the major issue my mom who has Alzheimer's.  Last week was the first session and I didn't feel like it was helpful at all.  At the end she asked how I was feeling in two words and I said "sad and hopeless."  She asked the major issue and I said it was my mom's Alzheimer's.  She has spent a lot of the time asking about my diet/sleep/how I'm coping and all the burdens on women.  

We had our second session just now.  She said that she focused a lot on women's stresses the first time and asked herself why she did that...that she heard me say at the end it was my mom's Alzheimer's, but just felt like I needed someone to take some stress from me.  She asked last time what I wanted to get out of these sessions and we started with that today and I said that in my mind I imagined therapy as talking about your problems, so I guess that's what I wanted because sometimes it brings me mental clarity or other ideas to try even though these issues are largely unsolvable. She spent the entire time talking about self care -- getting a scented candle, she recommended two bakeries that I could go to for coffee and a pastry and time by myself (I told her last week that I'm doing intermittent fasting, also I don't drink coffee but I'm not sure I said that last time.)  In fairness to her, I told her that I'm totally maxed out and the smallest thing sends me over the edge.  For example, our call started with technical difficulties, and I was in tears and it's not something worth crying about or anything that someone with even the slightest emotional reserves would be in tears over.  So maybe that's why she kept talking about self care even though I wanted to talk about Alzheimer's? 

Anyway, my EAP is structured as 6 free sessions, but I guess that the first two are a general assessment and you can decide to end then or continue.  I ended it because it wasn't helpful at all.  I really feel like she was a bad therapist, or just didn't get me at all, but then I'm not sure that's a fair judgment when I don't really know what I should have expected.  

I'm curious what advice or experience others have had.

[Jalapeñomel]

If it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel right.

[Patsy Baloney]

I did TalkSpace earlier this year, because I was in absolute crisis.

I clicked ok with my first therapist, hated my second, and just didn't continue after that.

On some level, I'm not much of a therapy person, and there's nothing any therapist can do to make me feel comfortable dumping my stuff on a stranger. I clicked better with the therapist who seemed to try to understand me and my personality. She knew that I wanted to do work and have tangible things to show from therapy - she gave me worksheets, exercises, challenges. I was dealing with a lot of anger and needed to feel active in getting it under control. I left her after she got a little too, "Girl power!" cheesy and was telling me too much about her life.

The second therapist didn't really try to get to know me at all. Her basic instruction to me was simply, "choose to not be angry." Ok. Uh. Well, any advice on how to make that happen?

I do think that when you have a good fit, it's worthwhile, even if it's not life-changing. My H loves his therapist and feels like she understands him and really helps him through his stuff. I felt like my foray into therapy was more about having a few pushes to fix myself - which is probably more apt for my personality. I'll do it myself if given the tools sort of thing.

Anyway, I'm really sorry it was a bad experience for you. It sounds like you and your therapist just aren't a good fit. If you're wanting to talk about your problems, do you think a support group might be a better fit? You're dealing with a lot. It's a shame you didn't feel helped/supported when you were reaching out.

[spindle92]

I have been doing therapy for years and have had a # of therapists.
Some you click with and some you don't.
If you don't feel a connection with that person, it is not going to work and it is just fine to find someone new.

For me, I know when therapy is working when A) I actually look forward to my sessions and B) feel really good afterwards.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

I feel like if you’re questioning it, it’s probably not good fit. I have loved both therapists I’ve worked with. My daughter is on her second therapist and her first was a bad fit for us both. When we began talking with the second, I mentioned what worked and what didn’t with the previous person, and she appreciated it.

It sounds like you want to just talk and the therapist did a lot of the talking? I get that. My daughter is the opposite- I need to go in first and kind of give her new therapist a heads up- here’s what I’m noticing this week, and then she guides her. If she just unloads, she can kind of get stuck on old stuff and never get to what brought her there in the first place.

It’s a process, and my personal experience is so rare, I’ve found. If you want to, you can try again! Take care

[cricketwife]

Aug 31, 2021 11:13:41 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

If it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel right.

Agree, and I'm trying figure out if it's therapy or therapist that doesn't feel right to me.  

[momof2]

I’ve been once myself and twice with my husband — all when dealing with incredible stressors due to kid medical issues and death of a parent.

I will say that, of the 3 therapists, we like the one that gave us really practical suggestions. But they were tailored to our specific situation. Not some light a candle BS — that would have sent me over the edge. I was in a similar situation and we talked through how to get more sleep, how to not full rushed on weekends and how to be sad together.

[wildrice]

I think many/most therapists want you to have a purpose for the therapy. So it's not just to talk about your feelings, but to figure out how to take those feelings and create coping strategies to manage them. It sounds like this therapist took a very roundabout way of approaching that that did not work for you. When I've worked with a therapist before, they've tended to ask in the first session what my goals are for therapy so that we can figure out how to work toward them.

It sounds like this one was not a good fit for you, and that's fine. Not every counselor is going to have the right approach for every person, so she may be a perfect fit for someone else and a terrible counselor for you. If you want to talk to someone else, I think it would be worth looking for another option!

[Jalapeñomel]

Aug 31, 2021 11:35:21 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

Aug 31, 2021 11:13:41 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

If it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel right.

Agree, and I'm trying figure out if it's therapy or therapist that doesn't feel right to me.  

I would say it may take you three or four different therapists before it feels ok. But it also many never feel ok.

[stemmie]

I'm so sorry.

I wouldn't immediately always jump to "if it feels like a bad fit, it's because it's a bad fit". DS's initial therapist had us doing things that felt all kinds of wrong but that resulted in significant growth for each of us. My niece adored her therapist, enjoyed the interaction and validation, but she made no progress around he codependency issues in the 9 years they had a professional relationship.

But something like Alzheimer's is very unique and you might need someone who specializes in the sort of stress and ambiguous loss that come with that diagnosis in a loved one. When dad was diagnosed, I found mom a terrific psychiatrist to tweak her anxiety/depression meds and that relationship has been life-changing. The therapist the psych suggested was kind of a dud- her area of interest was more around divorce and female empowerment- they never clicked and it felt like a huge waste of time and money.

That said, TBH some of the best "therapy" for my mom has been her local IRL ALZ support group. They totally got where she was coming from and helped her not feel so alone with the situation. Some meetings were more concrete caregiving strategies and resources but they always discuss feelings.

[waverly]

My experience wasn't really like that. I did click with the two therapists I had seen, and we had worked on goals. Honestly, the first one, I don't even remember now what we talked about because it has been so long.

It sounds like you are emotionally fragile right now, and instead of letting you talk like you expected she sounded more like she took over the narrative. I don't think that is really helpful of a therapist to do because it sounded like she was generalizing. Also, the whole self care thing is an issue in and of itself. It's fine to do self care generally speaking, but self care is different for everyone and isn't really lighting a candle and going to a bakery when everything is crumbling around you.

I do think a support group for Alzheimer's might be more helpful.

[Deleted]

I think since you didn't get to talk about something you wanted to that's a bad fit. The client should drive the session and the therapist is like the guide. If that makes sense.

Finding a therapist is like dating imo. If you're not comfortable, it's not a good fit. Working through difficult things, just like with a SO, is good and important, but you should never feel uncomfortable.

Again, hope that makes sense.

[court26]

It sounds like it wasn’t a great fit for you. My first therapy session, for anxiety, was at an office that made me anxious. I was polite through one session and then started over with a new recommendation. When you know, you know. Even though it’s frustrating and time-consuming, it’s hopefully worth it to try again.

[DarcyLongfellow]

I've seen numerous therapists over the course of my life, and my 12 year old has seen 4 different ones. I've had some really, truly awful therapists, and a few good ones.

In my experience, there's a wide, wide range of people who call themselves therapists or counselors, but the majority that I see are LCSW or LMHC.

Both of my daughters are currently seeing someone with a PhD in Psychology. She is wonderful, and part of that is just that she would be wonderful no matter what her background were, but also -- she takes an evidence-based approach to therapy. So, for example, when my 12 year old declared that deep breathing is worthless and she's already tried it and it didn't work, so she isn't going to try it again, instead of just getting frustrated or giving up, she told my daughter, in detail, about a peer reviewed research study that proved that deep breathing actually does lower blood pressure.

You have to find someone who you click with. One of my very best friends is a LCSW and sees therapy clients. She does very well, and her clients love her. And if I saw someone that did therapy like her, I'd run screaming in the other direction. She's very much about "you have to take care of yourself -- like a candle and think about how awesome you are." And she's all about self help books -- she's constantly reading them and recommending them to her clients. That approach doesn't work for me. If it doesn't work for you either, then there's nothing wrong with finding someone else.

I think finding someone with experience working with caregivers of people with Alzheimer's would be a good first step. And, if you're more like I am and you'd prefer a more scientific approach, then maybe look for someone with a PhD in Psychology.

[mrsukyankee]

As a therapist, I usually can tell when I'm not a good fit and I'm happy to help my clients find someone new. It sounds like you may need someone who is not a CBT therapist at this time as you don't want to necessarily problem solve, but you do want to talk through your feelings (which some CBT therapists can do but some can't). If you can move to a different therapist, I'd ask for either a person centred or humanistic therapist. They'd be better for what you are hoping for, possibly.

[litskispeciality]

From what you've said I think it's not a good fit. I understand they want to set a goal, but it sounds like week three you're going to go in the same circle. You could try to find another form of therapy, and/or look for an Alz support group. There are a number of resources online which may help until you find a better fit for counseling.

((((HUGS))))

[krystee]

I was also going to suggest a support group for people going through the same circumstances you are. If I was dealing with devastating circumstances and was told to light a candle, I would be tempted to use it to light her office on fire (I am not a violent person and I wouldn’t really do that, but seriously?! You didn’t have a bad day at work that some relaxation will fix—you are going through a tragedy!)

I would probably try the support group next and if that isn’t a fit, try a second therapist. Or maybe there are good resources in the form of books or message boards, if talking isn’t the right fit.

[wanderlustmom]

I'm a therapist too and I also go to therapy. It's true that you know when you know. My current therapist is the best but I still like to see her as needed. Not every session is as good as the other but she gets me and remembers my stuff (for some reason that's the most important one to me, don't forget my details). I had a therapist years ago that was good at practical advice for helping my mom with her Parkinsons and she helped me a lot with boundaries but I didn't feel the need to work on anything else but that narrow focus. Then I had a therapist a few years later who was nice and gave good advice but she didn't remember my details between sessions. My current therapist can help me with anything I'm facing and I know when it's time to get an appointment again. I encourage clients to move on when the fit is wrong

[wanderlustmom]

Aug 31, 2021 17:24:26 GMT -5 @hiphopanonymous said:

Can any of you who've been through it, or any of the therapists who've chimed in, suggest how to find a therapist who specializes in Alzheimer's or illnesses like that?

Yes call the Alzheimer’s support group in your area, ask for their resources for individual therapy. Call some. Ask to speak to them for 15 minutes each. If they aren’t willing to do an intake call that’s a bad sign. You should know in a few sessions if the fit is right. Or ask friends. Word of mouth recommendations are usually best.

[joy]

Aug 31, 2021 11:35:21 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

Aug 31, 2021 11:13:41 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

If it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel right.

Agree, and I'm trying figure out if it's therapy or therapist that doesn't feel right to me.  

Yeah.. mentioning candles and getting a croissant is not therapy.

I am the same as you and would be rolling my eyes at that shit. I go to therapy to discuss issues in my life and the therapist helps me understand the other person or situation involved so my anger towards can lessen. Example - my boss is difficult. Here are the ways this week. Can we figure out why she is this way? Can we figure out ways I can more effectively communicate and not blame myself when things go south?

I’m so sorry about your mom. I would want to vent just like you about things and have my therapist help me reframe or just give me the space to be sad, angry, stressed without judgment. Like, come on, bad therapist!

Try again with someone new,. Stat.

[stemmie]

Aug 31, 2021 17:24:26 GMT -5 @hiphopanonymous said:

Can any of you who've been through it, or any of the therapists who've chimed in, suggest how to find a therapist who specializes in Alzheimer's or illnesses like that?

My son and my niece see the same psychiatrist for ADHD meds; I called him and asked if there was anyone he could recommend. He's part owner of a big psychiatric/therapy practice with 4 MDs, a couple of PhD/PsyDs and probably a dozen therapists and counselors. He suggested a new-to-the-practice MD who is board certified in both neurology and psychiatry who is wonderful. She really gets the challenges. 

My mother found her second therapist through the folks who attend her ALZ support group. 

[litskispeciality]

OP I think the National Alz organization has resources on their website, and should be able to guide you as well.

ETA: Psychology Today is a good place to find counselors by speciality, although it's hard for them to keep up with if the indiviual is taking new clients.