AITA? - Help with Neighbor/Kid Gifts

[ssmjlm]

Ok, am I the asshole here or am I not?

Last December new neighbors moved in.  They have 3 kids, the oldest is 2 years younger than mine.  The girls play together (there's a 3rd neighbor that's in the middle, but not really part of this issue) outside, etc.

The mom is a gift giver. I thought it was more about trying to do a few crafts with the kids to keep them occupied in the summer, but it's gotten to be more.

One time she gave my kid a pop-it.  I guess this was at the bus stop. (DH can see the bus stop from his window, so she walks down the group by herself.) I thought my kid was lying, so I had her give it back.  Then the mom texted it was a gift. 

Then it was some slime and frosty coupons.

Yesterday her daughter dropped off a full kid sized scrubs set, embroidered with my kid's name and some accessories.

I'm just kind of uncomfortable for 2 reasons:

1 - I don't like to give toys to give toys.  We have enough crap.

2 - I don't want to reciprocate.  We've had neighbors over for smores a couple times, that's the extent for me.

[BillyJoelLover]

Is she acting differently towards you? What I mean is, are you getting the feeling that she’s expecting reciprocation? Maybe her love language is gifts. Like this is her way of connecting. Maybe she feels appreciated when people accept her gifts. Sort of a self love through gift giving kind of thing.

[purplepenguin7]

I don't think you are an asshole for not reciprocating in physical gifts. This is very much just a love language thing, some people are just gift givers for the joy (I am one of them). If you like the mom/family, reciprocate how you want to. Offer to watch the friend/daughter, make snacks, plan activities for the kids, etc. Not saying you have to any of these specifically but however you want to, if it's Smores at night than that's fine too. If she's unhappy with your "response" I'm sure she will stop, but if she's not a jerk in any other way where you might feel this is manipulative behavior I would just let it be. If gets to be too excessive where you feel like its too much unwanted junk than you can say something like "we appreciate your thoughtful gifts but we just don't have the space".

[nicolewi]

I was okay with it until the scrubs set. That seems over the top for sure! Was it a special occasion?? Did she explain at all, like, "My company was making these and I could get extras super cheap" or something? That one would make me uncomfortable.

[ohgillian]

Oct 18, 2021 8:52:37 GMT -5 nicolewi said:

I was okay with it until the scrubs set. That seems over the top for sure! Was it a special occasion?? Did she explain at all, like, "My company was making these and I could get extras super cheap" or something? That one would make me uncomfortable.

I agree, the scrubs set is weird. I imagine it was well intentioned, but it's beyond the norm of casual neighbors. 

[ssmjlm]

nicolewi, I'm not sure except the mom is a doctor, so that's the only tie-in I can see.

Also, my kid is getting out of the dress-up phase, so I'm afraid she'll wear them once, then they'll be forgotten and I don't think they were inexpensive.

I'm a gift giver, but not for kids. They get so much stuff these days that I'm constantly trying to get stuff out of our house.

[emilyinchile]

Do you run into the mom to talk in person? If so, next time you see her I'd thank her for the gifts, especially scrubs, and say that while it's so thoughtful, you really try to keep your daughter's toys to a minimum and would prefer no more gifts. I think the right tone of voice and facial expressions can get that message across without making the neighbor feel bad, whereas over text it might be harder.

[Deleted]

I don't think you're an a-hole for not wanting to reciprocate to that extent. I agree with others who have suggested bringing it up in conversation next time you see her (not over text or email).

[ssmjlm]

I rarely see her, but I'll think of something. Mostly it's just the kids playing in one of our yards on the playsets.

[mysteriouswife]

I am the neighbor. ☹️ I don’t expect anything back. Every candy holiday I make treat bags/buckets with treats. Mostly edible. DS loves giving his BFF small gifts when he sees something she may like. Maybe it’s the kid pushing the mom? We recently bought play-doh (we know the kids play it) because it was specialty colors. DS requested to buy two sets. Neighbor and DS both have kits they play together.

[al dente]

NTA! I am also not into random gifts for all the reasons you mentioned. I don't want it, it's usually random crap that we don't need or too expensive so I feel bad, and I don't want to reciprocate.

I have one friend that is so into gifts and always giving me/my kid presents, and the only thing that helps is I know she legitimately does it for herself and truly does not expect anything back. Its still annoying lol but I've gotten over it. Its harder though it being your kids friends vs someone you have a relationship with and feel like you "give" in other ways.

If it happens to come up in conversation I might mention it, but otherwise don't think about it. You won't be the first or last person who hasn't reciprocated all of these gifts so she'll either move on or not be bothered.

[krystee]

I personally wouldn’t tell her you have too much stuff. She clearly enjoys this, and I’d so much rather have this kind of neighbor than most other kinds! Just donate after you’re done with it, and reciprocate how you feel comfortable. If you’re baking cookies, double the batch. If you’re having s’mores, invite them over for some. Or just send a thank you note from your daughter.

[tacokick]

If the mom is a doctor maybe she got the scrubs for free? Maybe even some other odds and ends like coupons?

I do a lot of freelance lifestyle/home/gardening/food writing and get so much stuff for free at times I give it away without any thought or effort. Everything from egg beaters to bath bombs to coupons to coffee makers to salad dressing to fancy $$$ dinners. It’s just a perk of the job. I’d think a doctor might get some perks too? I know I got a lot of coupons and things from well meaning people when I was teaching. I can’t eat a coupon book worth of Frosties or drink that much McDonald’s coffee etc and gave it away.

I don’t expect anything back and try not to pressure people to take anything.

[picksthemusic]

We have close-ish neighbors that we do little things for every now and then. In the past, we have watched each other's kids, they've played (pre-Covid, of course) at each other's houses, and been to birthday parties. We do cards/cookies for holidays, and this year I plan on dropping off bags of Halloween candy for them since we're still on the fence about ToTing this year.

The scrubs is a bit OTT for me, and I would not reciprocate. Did your child like them? Either way, find some way to communicate that you are trying to keep clutter/toys to a minimum.

[felicity]

I think the scrubs thing was over the top. I wouldn't try to reciprocate and I'd be privately annoyed that she keeps giving stuff because it does put pressure on people to reciprocate, even if these kinds of gift givers tell themselves and others they don't expect anything in return. It's annoying they don't see the position it puts the recipient in. If they are getting these things for free, like maybe those coupons or they had too much slime or something, it would be nice if she said that up front so it seems less like a gift and more like please help take this off my hands because we will throw it away otherwise. The embroidered scrubs must have cost something, though, so that is weird for another parent to just go out and buy that for your kid for no reason. I might do some kind of baked good here and there, but would try and not stress about it if you don't bake or have some other easy way to reciprocate. I certainly wouldn't buy anything.

[pixy0stix]

My husband is your neighbor. He never expects anything back, he just likes giving things. I don't think you're an asshole, because I'm you in that I don't want more crap. I don't have a solution, though.

[goldengirlz]

I definitely don’t think you should feel compelled to reciprocate but I also wouldn’t make a big deal about it as this point. The examples you mentioned hardly sound like an obscene amount of stuff over the course of 10 months. It all sounds pretty neighborly, truthfully. Maybe she’s “escalating” with the scrubs … or maybe your DD mentioned wanting to be a doctor for Halloween or something. And maybe she thinks you DID reciprocate with the s’mores invitation, and that’s why she’s doing this.

I doubt she’s looking for you to respond in kind, but I also don’t think you can say, “Please don’t give us any more stuff” without coming across as rude. Especially because most of it sounds like little consumable knick knacks that don’t take up much space.

ETA: Don’t get me wrong — DD got a pop-it the other day and I had to hide it because the sound was getting to me. I think most party favor-type crap should be abolished because it serves little purpose and ends up in the trash. But that’s my own value judgment not to buy it. I also don’t like getting sugary foods as gifts. But I can’t police my DD never getting that stuff so as long as it’s not over-the-top, we thank the giver and move on.

[blondemoment123]

Oct 18, 2021 11:16:56 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

My husband is your neighbor. He never expects anything back, he just likes giving things. I don't think you're an asshole, because I'm you in that I don't want more crap. I don't have a solution, though.

I’m the neighbor. I love giving gifts and honestly don’t want anything in return.

If you say “oh that’s so thoughtful, but not necessary” enough times she’ll probably get the hint.

[livinitup]

It was a nice gift for your daughter.

Period. The end.

You owe her a nice thank you card. Something nice that says “thank you for the nice gift for my daughter”.

The end.

While you really need to thank her (semi) immediately in a sincere, thoughtful way, you do NOT need to do more than thank her in a sincere, thoughtful way.

That’s how gifts work. You give a gift, you get a thank you note for the gift. If you are lucky.

You are kind of a rock star if you actually send a thank you note. But seriously, then you are done.