What amount would you give?

[expectantsteelerfan]

If your parent was retiring and you were in a position to gift them money?

We are celebrating my mom's retirement on Wednesday.  We nix'd a party because of Covid (her work did a virtual party for her) but I want to give her a gift.  I was hoping to go in with my brother and pay off her mortgage, but when I found out she had refinanced and added an amount to get a new roof a few years ago, it ended up being way more than we were thinking and not an option.  So now I'm thinking to give her a cash gift, but I'm having a hard time coming up with an amount.

[ohgillian]

Oh gosh, I don't know. I didn't want to read and not reply but in my family we haven't gifted cash up so I'm no help. Maybe if you know of a certain thing she wants, you could give x% of it? Like each of you give 25% of a new car she wants? Or pay for a vacation?

[heygrey]

Could you still put a portion towards her mortgage? I don’t think I’d give cash for retirement. I’d pay for a vacation or a big ticket item if there is something she’d like.

Do you think you’ll have to help her financially as she ages? If so, I would do something nice to acknowledge her retirement now, but save the bigger money stuff for actual needs.

[Deleted]

I honestly wouldn't give my parents cash. For my parents, the biggest gift I could give them is time with us - so I'd plan a vacation for us all to go on. However, if for some reason I couldn't plan a vacation with me, I'd do an experience gift for them. I'd probably preface it with, now that you've got a ton of time on your hand, here is a cooking class you can go too! (or something like that).

[wanderingback]

I’m all for cash gifts but I have never in my life given my parents money. In my family it would be a little weird and I think specifically my mom wouldn’t really ”enjoy” it unless she knew I suddenly became a a multi-millionaire. It seems like you want to give a somewhat significant amount if you were planning to pay off her mortgage, so if that’s the case then I would give that amount. Otherwise I personally would give an IOU for paying for a vacation together as I know my mom, especially as she gets older really just appreciates us spending time together.

[wildrice]

How is she doing financially? Does she need the money?

There is absolutely no way that my parents would accept a large financial gift from us. They are not wealthy but are totally fine/comfortable and they would rather we use our money ourselves/invest in our own future. I think if anything, they might consider as others suggest and allow us to pay for a family vacation with them.

If your mom is struggling financially that's another story, though. In that case I'd either apply it to her mortgage or perhaps buy her something like a nice purse or something else she'd enjoy now, and then hang onto the money for later when she needs it.

[konapoppy]

If your mom needs money, I think it’s fine to give money.

If not, I would buy her things that can fill her time. The adjustment to retirement can be tricky. Maybe it’s museum memberships, audible, some sort of club or gym, etc.

[quesyrah]

We gave my MIL a spa day at a really nice day spa and a gift card for a nice lunch.

It’s something she wouldn’t have ever been able to do for herself and also more than we have ever spent on a gift for her so it was special.

Giving parents money feels weird to me.

[clairebear]

I think that is really dependant on your individual situation. When my MIL retired she basically forced us to throw her a retirement party complete with an Elvis impersonator. We did not do any gift for her as we were already $500 into a stupid party. She struggles financially because she didn't plan for retirement and honestly retired before she should have. I don't have any regret on not doing any significant gift (and honestly it didn't even cross my mind). When my dad retired it was because the company he worked for got bought and he had a nice stock option that allowed him to buy 10 rentals and live off that cash flow. Didn't give him a gift because well he has way more than me.

I would give your mom what you financially can afford and what she is comfortable receiving. Does she expect a gift?

[ellipses84]

What was the amount you thought you would give her for the mortgage? I might consider giving that and saying she can use it to pay down the mortgage, take a retirement trip or use it for local activities / hobbies. I think $500 is more than generous, and probably as much as I could afford to do for my parents, but they’d never want money so I’d give them a weekend in a hotel or a plane ticket to visit us. A few thousand would be amazing!

[wanderingback]

ETA: I know plenty of people who give their parents money when needed, including my partner, so it’s def the norm for many people. I would just give what you can afford/the loan amount you were originally planning to give. I think this is something that’s so individual/personal that group consensus from a message board of strangers won’t be too helpful. Happy retirement to your mom! My mom retired a few years ago and has been living her best life (minus covid), it’s so wonderful to see.

[krystee]

I would give her either a trip (maybe a mother/daughter trip?) or a bunch of fun things to do in the area (museum membership, pottery class, etc), or keep your idea of paying off the mortgage, but pick a set amount like a year of her mortgage.

[shortstax]

Would she accept cash? Does she need a financial boost?

Another idea may be to donate money on her behalf as a gift. When a family member retired after 35 years teaching, some people in my family pitched in and offered a $1k scholarship to a member of her school's graduating class who was going to study education.

Maybe something like that if cash is a squicky gift in your family?

ETA--I like the trip/experience idea too!

[expectantsteelerfan]

Just to add some more detail, she doesn't NEED money, but she is retiring early and missing out on some benefits (she worked for the govt) because she'd rather take a part-time job down the line if she needs to supplement than keep working in a job she hates. I *think* she can make it work for several years without supplementing if she doesn't splurge on anything (and she's not known for splurging), but will likely take a part-time job at some point just for something to do as well.
My brother and I were hoping her mortgage would be somewhere in the $20-$50K range and we would have made it work to pay it off between us, but it's significantly higher. We did find that out a while ago and nix'd the idea, so if I do give her a cash gift, it own't be on that scale, I was thinking more like $1000 maybe?
A complicating factor is that my brother was supposed to be visiting from NY this week but ended up cancelling the day he was supposed to arrive due to Covid concerns (understandable, but we were all looking forward to his visit, and we were going to celebrate the retirement together with my mom so now I'm feeling pressure to do something special but still don't want to take any extra Covid risks.
And finally, the most complicating factor is that my mom has a neighbor that is basically family at this point. He is well-off and retired, and he pays for a lot of things for my mom even though they are just friends (he wanted to be involved romantically at the start of the relationship but my mom wasn't interested, but they've lived 2 houses from each other for the past 15 years and do everything together, he comes to all family events, my kids know him as well as they know all their grandparents, etc. So when my mom talks about things like finding a rental in Florida for a month or two next winter, she means she would do it with him, and he might pay for most/all of it, but he is super old school and won't talk about money or accept money from me for sure (like if I invite them out for dinner I have to sneakily pay or else he will insist).
She wouldn't use a spa day/purse/any material gift I can think of.
She would LOVE if I planned a family trip for us all to go on, but I can't pull that off in the next 2 days especially without my brother being here to weigh in, and with his schedule it would be hard to make it work in general, but I guess I could do an IOU for a family trip.  My relationship with her is complicated, and I would suffer through any trip with her with gritted teeth and need a week with a therapist afterward to decompress, but I would do it.
Thank you for all your ideas, it has definitely helped me think things through. I feel weird even thinking about giving my mom money and I truly don't know if it would be appreciated or awkward for her, but I'm grasping at straws here on what else to do.

[archiethedragon]

Her age plus 1, 2 or 3 zeros, depending on the general ballpark you were looking to give.

[ellipses84]

Don’t sacrifice your mental health for a trip out of family guilt! If there’s an airline she usually flies to Florida or an airline hub near her, you could get her a gift card for that and she could plan her own trip.

[konapoppy]

Can you organize and pay for a family photographer when your brother can be around? You could even include the neighbor. Then you don’t have to do a trip 😬

[formerlyak]

How much did she take out for the roof? Can you pay off that part to put her back where she was?